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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said,
"I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged,
"I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."
Very misleading thread title. (-:
*milds****isation
I is amused
(better than Woppit's one anyway 🙂 )
Made me smile 😆
I likes
What goes, "ooo, ooo!"?
A cow with no lips.
What goes "Mark!... Mark!... Mark!..."?
A dog with a hair lip.
There are ten cows in a field... which one's on holiday?
The wan wi' the wee calf. 😆
Which one's an Arab?........ Coo eight 😆
Why does Edward Woodward have so many 'd's in his name?
He doesn't like being called E'war Woo'War - better said out loud.
Why do mice have small balls?
Because not many can dance.
Sean Connery has been hit by a stack of falling books.
He was heard to say, "I can only blame myself"
My partner and I broke up this morning.
When she said she was leaving because of my obsession with the Monkees, I
really thought she was joking. Then I saw her face...
Sad news. The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on sundial.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Cougar wins with the predictive text one!
What goes, "ooo, ooo!"?A cow with no lips.
Sad news. The inventor of predictive text has died.His funfair will be hello on sundial.
Equally winning the interwebs today
When i first met my wife i knew she was a keeper......
It was the great big gloves that gave it away.
I think someone's infringing copyright here aren't they?
I don't get it.
Molegrips, Que?
I suspect a smattering of Vinerisms.
Yeah, there's a couple that sound like Tim Vine, but they aren't.
The "keeper" joke is from someone at the Edinburgh Fringe and my predictive text was an original joke from someone else on Twitter (the names of both escape me without Googling).
Oh - the kleptomania one might be, actually. I don't actually know where that came from offhand.
Mollie takes thing [b]very[/b] seriously,don't ya know 😉
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I think someone's infringing copyright here aren't they?
Were we only including jokes we'd written ourselves?
My mistake 🙄
I actually thought it was an old Tommy Cooper joke but google informs me that all credit is due to this guy.....
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Alun Cochrane - I'm really sorry mate - I shared your joke on t'Internet 😳
Yeah, that's him.
This is him now, looking a bit sad and pissed off 'coz I've ripped off his act.
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Look Alun, just get over it mate. I've already said how sorry I am . I'm ashamed of myself really. Just stick that kettle on and have a cuppa. You'll feel better about it in a wee while. Honest.
Molgrip's writing a corker. We're gonna luv it.
I remember bring amazed when they invented the first universal remote control
I thought - this changes everything
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I got offered to help a robbery job at a distillery with a Chinese man.
I asked him "is it whiskey?"
He said "course it's whiskey but not as whiskey as robbing a bank"
🙂
Surely 'as whiskey as wobbing a bank'?
Sean Connery one - genius.
I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it
- Ken Dodd I think
Why did the chicken hold a seance?
To get through to the other side....
+1 on the Sean Connery joke. 😀
You can burn up to 150 calories during a prolonged bout of masturbation.
Still got kicked out of Weight Watchers for it though.
Does Sean Connery like herbs?
Yes but only partially.
Two nuns sat at a traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside. "Hey! Let's see your tits, you stuck up penguins! shouts one of the drunks.
The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross."
So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off you little shits, before I come over there and rip your balls off!"
The Sean Connery joke just clicked 😳 very good
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun."
So they went back to her place and got comfortable.
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand."
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay."
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun."
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks. "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, she stole ma wallet."
How does Sean Connery shave?
Ctrl + S
Off here a while ago, I think it was one of either Jamie or Cougar's.
I bought a DVD the other day, it had a review on the side of 3.14 stars out of five.
It was Pi-rated.
How does Sean Connery shave?Ctrl + S
😀 I've only just got that...ha ha ha 😀
I hate those Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves.
Aaaaasaaaaaargh, lollipop ladies really make me cross!
How does Sean Connery shave?Ctrl + S
I've only just got that...ha ha ha
Its taken me all day... 😳
Marvellous. Well done gents.
A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 90th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..
When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.
She insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them." ''Well, they are here, and you could have."
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous.
"We have the best entertainers from all over the world performing here."
"But I didn't go to any of those shows.." She Pleaded.
"Well, we have them, and you could have." was the reply.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied,
"But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his
standard response.
After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.
"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00" "That's correct" she replied "I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."
"But I didn't sleep with you madam!" said the manager
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."!!
Why did the baker wash his hands ?
Because he kneaded a poo.
What should a Scotsman do if he finds a trumpet growing in his vegetable patch?
Root it oot!
Sean Connery was really looking forward to Lent until someone told him what Ash Wednesday was really all about........
From Twitter just now,
@rjayt
Poundland have been given the go ahead to take over 99p stores. The new owners say there'll be no change.
I rang an Improper Fractions helpline. It's open 24/7.
The advice on packet rice to "fluff with a fork" didn't go down too well in the porn industry.
The other day I ran a rabbit over on the way to work - killed it stone dead.
Anyway, while I was standing over it a chap came along and told me he could make it better.
So, he gets a bottle of ointment out of his bag and splashes it on the rabbit.
All of a sudden the rabbit jumps into life and runs off.
As it runs off, it keeps turning back to us waving.
In shock, I said to the man "what was in that bottle?"
He replied "Hare restorer, with a permanent wave"
Yep - the old ones are ...............the old ones.
A nun is walking down the road when a drunk driver swerves onto the pavement narrowly missing her. She immediately starts berating the driver on the dangers of drink driving and how he could have killed her. The driver opens the door, stumbles out of the car, walks up to the nun and punches her in the face, knocking her spark out. Standing over the unconscious nun, he mumbles, "not so gobby now are you Batman!"
Heard it on radio 4.