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Got a group message from a school friend this morning to let us know her teenage daughter died in an accident yesterday. I don't even know where to start but as a parent myself I can't imagine anything worse. Even finding a way to respond this morning was hard. I've been thinking about it all day. Even with everything that's happened this year life can be proper shit sometimes.
Impossible for you to find the right words, but just try and keep in contact. Must be the most isolating thing to lose a child.
Nothing much you can say to that one. RIP.
Look after your kid - he/she'll be suffering
Awful news and very difficult to deal with
the only advice I can give is not to say nothing. Its hard to find the right words and easy to say nothing but its best if you can find something to say. The longer you leave it the harder it is to say anything and this leaves the bereaved person isolated. Don't leave it up to them. Be proactive
A good friend of mine had her daughter commit suicide earlier this year. Horrid situation. I couldn't even go to the funeral. I have been phoning them to give support difficult tho it is
this helped me to find the right words
PM me if I can help or contact me thru faceache. Genuine offer
Well, I’ve had personal experience of it this weekend, when my partner died in my arms, and I had to tell her mother and daughters. I can promise you, it’s the most distressing, harrowing place to be, to be grieving for the loss of someone you love, and to see the grief of her mother and daughters.
It’s impossible to describe, and it will haunt me for the rest of my life.
CZ - so sorry to hear that
Jeepers count zero - I am so sorry to hear that.
Awful to hear CZ. Look after yourself.
My thoughts are with the parents & CountZero. My words useless at such times. Deepest condolences.
Unspeakably awful. Sincere condolences...
oh bloody hell chaps - I'm so sorry. There are no other words.
What a difficult time for you CZ. I just can’t imagine. Even knowing people who have gone through it, I just cannot truly relate. Thoughts with you.
There aren’t any “right” words. Just words. So tell your friend you are thinking of them, offer any practical help you can. And if they are local cook something and deliver it. Because those acts of kindness say so much. And everyone needs to eat at such a dreadful time even when you don’t really want to do things for yourself. And if not local, order them a their favourite takeaway.
@CZ, I’m so very sorry. Just awful. Everyone hopes until there is none. Telling others just makes things so much more real as you see their hope dissolve too. That was my experience. So my thoughts are with you.
@Countzero I read your post and my heart burst for you, really sorry to hear what you and your family are going through.
Sincere condolences, look after yourself.
All other aspects of life rescind in importance when faced with death. It's so final and so very brutal. All my love CZ, take care man. Xx
When I was in 6th form, a car crash killed an acquaintance mine in the year above and left another with brain damage who was never the same. It's so very sad.
I’m so sorry.
As TiRed says, there arent any right words but anything helps. I think the best advice I saw on this was to think about what you want to say and then go through and remove as much as possible that is about you and about advice. It seems obvious but until you write it down you can miss all the I stuff. Good luck working through the processing of it
CZ - strength to you. Having to hold on and keep moving for others when you need all of it for yourself is an impossible burden. What lifting up that can be done from a forum is being done. May you be blessed with the very happiest of memories
So sorry to both the OP's friend and CZ. Horrible times that I hope I never have to go through.
RIP.
Condolences to all. Sending postitive energy and thoughts.
stevenmenmuir - I'm so sorry to hear this news. Whatever you found to say will have been gratefully received, and will have helped to make them feel, even a little, less alone in their grief and shock I'm sure.
CountZero - I'm desperately sorry to hear this - it's heartbreaking. I'm wishing you strength.
Losing a young life is just tragic. I really struggle to find the right words. My thoughts are with both the OP and his friends family and CountZero, stay strong.
Steven, was this is the river by any chance? Utterly tragic situation.
CZ, you know how this place works, a cantankerous group of old whingers who suddenly do awesome things when someone needs help. Anything at all, any time.
CZ, I just filled up reading that, my heart goes out to you. Had to go away and calm down, I couldn't see through the tears. I can hardly beleive how strong you've been and I hope that you took comfort from the strength and love your patner felt and took from you.
To the OP, it's hard when it's a friend. One of the kids in my school year died unexpectedly - got up for breakfast, went upstairs for a nap before getting the bus to school and never woke up again. It was hard at the time, even for those of us who were less close to him than his best friends. You need to help your daughter grieve and come to terms with it - the fact that it was an accident means she wasn't prepared for it in the way that an illness would give wearning. I'd also echo comments that anything you can say to the parents is better than nothing.
And to both of you - I'm not sure what good I can do but if you need to talk bollocks with someone to go through it or even to get your mind off it then we're always here, you can DM or just talk on the forum
I’m so sorry. There are no other words.
My immediate reaction too. Just let them know you are there if they need you, whether thats to talk, or not to talk. Practical help as TiRed suggested is also much appreciated.
Awful. I just shudder that the though of loosing a child. you would never be the same again.
CZ, so very sorry to read that. Thoughts are with you and your loved ones.
Breaking such news is not easy at all. I had to phone my father in law in the UK to say his daughter, my wife was rushed to hospital with a brain tumour. It's gut-wrenching.
All you can do is be there if they need anything. Lots of friends brought meals round and just filled up my freeer so I didn't have to think about feeding the kids (or myself). It's not much but the last thing on your mind is meal planning. Be there if they need you. Do theyhave other kids? Family support?
Feel for them, so much.
Really terrible news. Can't even imagine.
So sorry for both of you. I honestly can't imagine the pain.
stevenmenmuir - as others have said - don't leave it too long, it only makes it harder. The first words are the hardest, the acknowledgement of the situation. After that then you can be there to help in any way that only you know you can.
When I first met my (now) wife, her mum used to get really upset when she heard about young people dying (by any means) and I thought she was just weird - why should she be upset about some random stranger dying. But now that I am a dad to two 11 year old girls, I fully understand why she felt like that - it is just awful for it to happen 🙁
CountZero - my condolences, an awful thing.
Really saddened by reading this. Deepest condolences to both of you.
CountZero I'm so sorry for your loss, take care and I hope this thread is of some comfort. Thanks for the link TJ, I've shared it with my other friends in the group. Just to clarify, it's my friend who lost her daughter, no relationship with my kids at all. I just got back in touch with my friend last February when she was in the sick kids hospital With her daughter for a few days. We had planned to get together with the rest of our families but then Covid happened. I have been in touch via the messenger group and will get in touch properly when things have settled down a bit. She has a lot of support from people in her community and judging by the number of replies to a Facebook post last night, she is going to have lots of messages of support in the coming days.
Steven, is she in Kelso?
Truly epic tragedy but, if it is the same one, they are going to be overwhelmed with community support. Hopefully it offers a shred of comfort.
Yes, she is.
Sickening. I was planning a paddle this weekend with my 13 year old. Would have headed through same stretch of river. I can't bring myself to go and can't see a time when that would change.
They are a much loved family who don't deserve tragedy like that. Its just not fair.
Very sad situations both of them. The young girl is a distant family relative and I know the father, although not seen for many many years. With a son the same she I just can't imagine what they are going through, but as others have said will have lots of support from the community. Thoughts are with both situations.
franksinatra I've sent you a message.
Sorry to hear Steven , utterly tragic when its a child . Count Zero my deepest condolences , cant imagine what to say or how I would deal with this. A local lad who was barely 16 decided to end his life last weekend and I've seen how Its affected the young community my son included . Its human nature to moan about the trivial things that really don't matter and news like this put things into perspective.
Tragic, guys. Sorry to read this.
I lost a schoolmate the day after his 18th birthday. It came at a really fragile point in my life. Months later I felt close to suicide, but pulled through. A few years later a uni football teammate died very suddenly. I still remember getting the call in the night. I couldn't really deal with it and was the only team member that didn't attend the funeral. I wrote a poem and sent it to his parents.
I recently listened to an old Jon Ronson radio show/podcast on the subject of dealing with bad news... Might interest some of you:
https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/b00d0yj5
CZ - so sorry to hear about your loss.
I’ve just come back to this thread, and I must give a huge thank you to everyone who’s posted their best wishes and condolences. I’m feeling very emotional while I’m writing this, I’m coping but I live on my own now and it’s very difficult. I’ve still got all of Joey’s belongings here, I’m surrounded by things that remind me of her, flowers in the garden that she planted which she was so looking forward to enjoying and now she’s never going to see them.
I’ve only been able to see Briar, her eldest daughter, briefly, standing outside the house she shares in the rain, when I took a box of Joey’s personal paperwork down to Salisbury, as she’s having to deal with all of the next of kin stuff, no actual date has been arranged for the funeral yet, as Joey’s body hasn’t been released, which just leaves us in limbo.
Her daughters are sharing with three other girls, so they’re isolated from their gran as well, making it very difficult for us to try to console each other.
As if consolation is even possible at the moment, I’m just in pieces.
Christ.
I'm sorry. I wish there was something I could do to help.
CZ, so, so sorry, I know nothing I can write will alleviate in any way what you’re going through, but please know that people you don’t even know are thinking of you.
CZ heartbreaking news. I can't begin to imagine what you are and have been going through.
X
Tough times
be kind to yourself cz, avoid the booze and try not to spiral into emotional dispair. which will be very difficult to do, im sure.
Do something practical , then ride your bike. Even if its a list of essential jobs , writing thm down can move them out of your headspace and may help a tiny bit.
Havent been on here much lately for one reason and another so just seeing this now. I unfortunately have personal experience of all situations mentioned, none of it is easy by any means and nothing seems right. I'm more than happy to listen/chat/offer advice from my perspective and experiences if anyone wants to reach out.
@stevenmenmuir really sorry to hear about your friends daughter, my condolences go out to everyone involved. If you want to talk or ask anything, please give me a shout.
@countzero really sorry to hear about your partner, my condolences go out to you all. I remember having to tell the kids and the rest of the family vividly, one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Please get in touch when you're ready if you need a chat or anything.
@CountZero while you're on here you're never alone. Hope it slowly improves for you in the coming weeks. Look after yourself and all the best to the family.
My heart goes out to all of those who've been touched by tragedy in this thread, Friday was the first day I've been able to meet up with my brother since his wife passed away. Hope you can all find help, kindness and understanding when you most need it.
CZ: please feel free to post on here regularly with your feelings, you have a ready made virtual support group of people to lean on....
My sister lost her 21yr old son a couple of years ago. She lives in SA and he was working in Bahrain. She got a call from her ex to say the lad had a tumour pressing against his heart but that it was operable. She got the first available flight out of Jo'burg but by the time she got over there the situation had gone from "operable" to "making him comfortable because there was nothing they could do". He died two days later.
Thankfully, they had just enough time to both make amends - they hadn't been talking for a while - and he passed with his mum holding his hand.
He was a good lad, polite, clever, funny, fit and healthy - played first team rugby - and with everything to look forward to. Sad times.
Oh how awful to read this. Hope your friends get support OP, sounds like they will.
Count - so so sorry to hear about your loss, how awful for you. Take care.
Steven,CZ, so sorry to hear about your sad news. Hopefully you will find peace soon. I'm sure I speak for everyone here, if you find any comfort in the company of strangers then don't hesitate to update the thread.
Condolences CZ.