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We took my 3yr old daughter to see the Jungle Book at the cinema at the weekend, later at her grandparents we asked her to sing one of the songs from the movie, she started singing 'look for a ... pair of sausages'
took my kids to Gauntlet Vulture and Bird of Prey park on saturday...upon seeing the owls my 2 year old daughter then started to shout loudly "silly old owl, doesn't he know? there's no such thing as a gruffalo!"
she then proceeded to rectie the rest of the gruffalo story out loud to the amusement of all the other visitors...
Wait till they start secondary school and hear some of the twaddle they come out with 🙄
My girlfriends daughter mentioned the other day that while I was returning to work on Monday she would be enjoying an incest day instead of going to school.
oh, and she's also a fan of sticky come dancing. for which I had to leave the room before I burst out laughing
my wife called my 4yo a comedy genius and she replied 'mum I'm not a comedy Jesus !'
Playing a board game over xmas and my daughter was losing. At one point she shouted "HELL!", both me and granddad told her off and she said "Sorry... I don't know where I get it from.".
one of my son's favourites is that a sentance starts 'with a Full Start'.
He was & still is (at 17) very logical.
When my 6 year old is super hungry she will often tell me that she is having a gross burp (growth spurt) She also had a role in the local festival a year or so ago where she had to be a Train Bearer but kept saying that she was a Bear Trainer.
Her older sister still eats florn cakes for breakfast.
Best of all though was the youngest asking me that seeing as we say sixty six, seventy seven and eighty eight, why do we not say onety one, twoty two and threety three. Best question ever.
My daughter (14) asked me last night why we didn't get a shed for 'the bikes and stuff'
I've forbidden her from using language like that again, and explained clearly that bikes are not like dogs and other pet animals that can live in a kennel in the garden, they are a part of the family and as such live in the house.
I don't think she was totally convinced....
was at the GFs sisters yesterday. they had friends round with their little one... prob 18 months or so, when she suddenly said "PENIS KÄSE" really loud.
My little boy (2) saw hay bales being made and now calls them "tractor poo" which he shouts whenever he sees some, which is pretty often!
He also calls sheep 'baa' so when he sees them eating grass, announces 'baa, snack!'.
Lol at the tractor poo!
Tractor eggs here. Took him a while to realised that they weren't really going to hatch 🙂
niece aged 18mths learnt a rhyme at nursery.
she sang it to us...
"nibble, nibble, nibble..... C**T!"
Latest from my 11 year old...
Single Pringle, ready to mingle
New one for me 😉
why do we not say onety one, twoty two and threety three. Best question ever.
I am immediately starting that.
Mate of mine took a 5 year old to the theatre. At the interval he asked her if she found it a bit scary. Her riposte was 'Edward, they're only dressing up you know.'
My in-laws are paranoid about what mini_fiat (15 months) does. As a result, one of his currently repeated phrases is "Oh no! Don't go in there!"
I was showing my neighbour how to change a wheel, and got the kids involved as well to keep them busy. It was pretty well stuck on, couldn't kick it free so, got the kids to try for a laugh. Then said, "Well, it's too hard for us, we're not strong enough. So, what do we have that can help us, that's stronger than a person?" Wee Scott instantly says "A BEAR!" He was pretty disappointed when it turned out I meant the car
my 15yr old declared she wont need her brain after finishing her a levels.
shes great for a good quote.
My older boy learnt his shapes before he started school. Circle, square, triangle, sexwrangle.
He also knows that no one else is allowed to touch your 'pirate parts', which resulted in him parading round naked apart from a strategically placed eye patch.
The little one (4) reprimands anyone who pronounces Loch as lock and fails to rasp the 'ch' properly.
-Mummy Mummy, who's that man?
-He's the electrician, sweetie.
-Is the meter in your *****ng bed??
My 8 year old decided that at the christmas breakfast the drink was not bucks fizz but Butt Fizz!
Recent coversation between our lass and 6yo daughter:
"Sweetie, it's a sad day - granny has died"
"Will she be a star in the sky now?"
"Well, yes, yes she will"
"If I had a tortoise I'd give it stilts so it could run fast"
😯
A while ago, on Dartmoor: Darth Maul ponies
Few years ago at a party, mate of mine had his little nephew wanting to help out so he gave him a big dish of crackers and said "here, take these round, they've got cheese on them."
Cue the kid running up to everyone with the plate, waiting till they'd taken a good bite and then informing them confidently that "they've got jizz on them."
Approx 1 hr ago after a getting out of the bath 'incident':
'Daddy, I'm sorry I pooed on your finger' 😐
The other day the 3 year old said she had been playing with her friend Awesome. I enquired if he was a new lad from America, thinking Awesome Joe Strong or something daft like that. She said no, she has been in her group for ages. I said are you sure its Awesome, yes she replied, quickly followed by wife who piped up from the other roof and shouted she means Autumn.
I forgot to pick something up from the shops the other day and when my wife asked where is was I said "Oh Jesus Christ", to which the 3year old said without raising her head from her colouring book and in a mater of fact style, No Your Not !
Though I always remember helping out at a kids party (2-4 year olds) a few years back and a little lad said he wanted a squirt of cream out of the can on the table. I duly loaded up his bowl and off he went. After 2 or 3 min's he comes back with tears streaming from his eyes and asking me to take the cream off he pudding. I said you asked for it (i've since learnt to be more patient with kids) and he said he'd remembered that his mum puts cream on his bottom when it was sore and that he didn't want it on his pudding.
We were in a hotel room in Llandudno when there was a sudden racket from the seagulls outside the window. My son (aged 7 at the time) informed me that "none of that was girls, you know"
NSFW...
Living in a fairly remote outpost of Hampshire, Little Miss CFH does rather enjoy her walks in the countryside. At two, her control of language is very impressive.
She loves to point things out to us as we walk. "Oooooh....Tractor!" in the fields and "Daddy....fish!" as we meander down by the river. She also loves to mention the local ladies out for a ride as they clip clop past. Slight problem being that she hasn't [i]quite[/i] got the hang of the correct pronunciation of their mounts. As such, she points at the equestrian ladies and says, "Daddy! Daddy! HORE! HORE! HORE!"
The other week in the pub having dinner.
Little Dean "Think i'll be gay" (he's 6 and has a gay cousin)
Mum and Dad look at each other thinking where is this going "why?"
Little Dean "Then i wont have to kiss girls"
Mum "but you'll have to kiss boys then"
two second pause "Oh, i wont bother with any then. Can i go to the play area?"
3 yr old daughter: "Mummy needs a deep bath for her tummy". Pleased she said it! 😈
Probably due a repost.
my 12 year old daughter had a present from her nan for Christmas, after opening it she said "it smells like nannie" (a good thing BTW) during the mass clean up of wrapping paper etc she piped up & asked "what shall I do with nannies smelly box" oh, how we laughed 🙂
Camping in Cornwall one year when minicarlos mk1(Luke) was 3 ,a neighbouring camper had passed us a few times with a friendly smile and a 'hello' Luke needed the loo as she was coming out of the toilet block and he pipes up 'Daddy that lady is really fat' at full volume.Kids eh gotta love em.
Mini carlosmk2 likes to watch ciderman slinging his webs and kicking bad guys butts and he told us the other week he'd banged his peanuts.
Ciderman?
West Country super hero? 🙂
While watching mummy and grandad singing in a choir at the Fowey Christmas Market, child number one turned to me and exclaimed 'f*ck'em'. In front of the mostly elderly audience. I didn't think the singing was that bad, but each to her own.
She loves reading, and it turns out that she was trying to read the 'FCM' Christmas market logo on the marquee signs phonetically.
Said by my 9 year old to my wife yesterday.
"Mummy, what's a whore?"...
loddrik - Member
Said by my 9 year old to my wife yesterday."Mummy, what's a whore?"...
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(See previous page!)
Given that my son is adorable a child prodigy and has wisdom beyond his years everything he says is quotable but the one that makes me cringe is when he excitedly shouted "nig nog" in our exceedingly politically correct and multicultural coop . He was pointing at an in the night garden magazine with the ninkynog on the cover .
When my eldest was little, we were buying a book for my wife's Xmas present. Can I carry the bag she asked? Yes, I said, but we have to pay the lady first. Daughter looked suspiciously at the shop assistant and corrected me. No daddy, that's a man. No, I insisted. Some ladies have short hair.
After a brief pause for thought - well she is an ugly lady that looks like a man.
The financial transaction was completed in silence with minimal eye contact and we left sharpish.
My eldest a few years ago, when somebody mentioned Stockton (where I grew up)
"isn't that the bag of skin that holds your testicles ?"
Youngest once asked my wife what a prostitute is, so the wife starts trying to explain and she says "oh, so it's the same a a hooker, then ?"
The Enjoyment Regulating Authority went away for the day to lead a school trip, so I encouraged our eldest (two at the time) to do a piece to camera, which I then sent to the wife. There may have been a slight bit of coaching involved, but not a lot...
"Mummy, you're a ballbag"
Believe me, that was not well received.
I am lucky to have a 3.8 year old that we never discouraged from being loud.
While watching Big Hero 6 - louder than the movie - Mummy robot friend has a fat tummy like you.
I have a subcutaceous cycst on my head, too lazy to get it removed, anyway - I was dozing, when I got a tap on my shoulder - Daddy I've drawn a picture of you - I expected to see a bit of paper - but was made to turn around to see on the wall a very good drawing of me, and then "It's got a bump like you"
She once glued a bottle top with pva glue to her hair to have a bump like me too.
Read in one of those readers digest booklets in the dentists a section dedicated to the things children say.
A woman wrote that while sat in a very busy but silent waiting room at her doctors surgery her very young daughter said loud enough for everyone to hear,
"Mummy is the doctor going to shine his torch up your bum again today"
She then just wished the ground would open up. 😀
We took our two to the local park (the meadows at loch ore for the Fife dwellers out there) and it was smudglet's first time being allowed out of sight - must have been only 3 or 4.
After a few minutes, me and the missus round the small hill behind which he had disappeared to find him happily swinging away on a swing. When we asked him if he was ok, he said, loudly and pointing ' yes - that fat lady gave me a push'
Cue a quick retreat and mumbled apologies, without eye contact!
I was once out walking in the park with BH junior, when walking towards us was a midget.
Just as we got level with him, BH junior called out excitedly, "daddy daddy look- it's an Oompa Loompa!".
My made was in a shop with his (then) little girl and she saw a dwarf and asked her Dad-
"Why does that little boy have a big face?"
Recent conversation with my 4 year old daughter...
"You can't tie birdies beaks up with a rope can you?"
"No Charlotte, you cant"
"Because you'd get in trouble with an adult?"
"Yes Charlotte, but that's not the only reason"
We don't see many birds in our garden these days...
I was once out walking in the park with BH junior, when walking towards us was a midget.
Just as we got level with him, BH junior called out excitedly, "daddy daddy look- it's an Oompa Loompa!".
Had very similar with my daughter in Sainsbury's a couple of years ago. My wife stopped to talk to a friend who is a midget,
My daughter circled her a couple of times and said "are you an Oompa Loompa?"
'Why did you do that dad you bumbling oaf!' He's 4.
He's got me pegged.
<trying to look out into the garden form the kitchen window on a rainy day>
"Daddy - put the window wipers on please I can't see out very well"
Cue dreams on going on dragons den to present house window wipers idea...
<trying to look out into the garden form the kitchen window on a rainy day>
"Daddy - put the window wipers on please I can't see out very well"Cue dreams on going on dragons den to present house window wipers idea...
Take my money - just take it!
Our doughter seems to have bumps and falls every day at school and has to visit the american room. Took us a while to figure she meant the medical room
My Nan was round our house years ago when we were probably about 5 or 6 and we were ready for bed.
God knows where she got it from, but my sister ran into the room and proudly said to my Nan "Good Riddance to Bad Rubbish" thinking it was a nice way of saying bye. She couldn't work out why our parent's went nuts and she got quickly herded off to bed crying her eyes out.
While working on my car at a mate's house a few years back, we had the radio on & You Can Make Me Whole Again by Atomic Kitten came on the radio. We were singing 'you can fill my hole again' finding it very funny until my mate's 6/yr old sister heard us, found it very funny and started running around the garden singing 'you can fill my hole again' at the top of her voice. Her mum & dad weren't best pleased.
I taught my nephews to tell my brother-in-law "it's not rocket science" whenever he was trying to do a job round the house, or was struggling with something. I didn't realise quite how tenaciously little people hang onto an idea. It went on for months apparently 😀
On this and the whore theme.Youngest once asked my wife what a prostitute is, so the wife starts trying to explain and she says "oh, so it's the same a a hooker, then ?"
Youngster (<10) asks what a pimp was. Before one of the adults was able to explain, an older one (13ish) piped up, "it's like a prostitutes manager"
A few years back andyfla of this parish was round at ours trying to sort out a problem with our computer, as he claimed to be employed in that sort of thing.
He was struggling to find the cause and was sat on the floor next to the open PC muttering "So what is it?"
LittleMissMC helpfully pipes up "It's a computer"
"Do you want to go to McDonalds?"
"The farm?!?"
"Um, no. Sorry"
A French one.
A small cousin of mine was really disappointed when we went to the supermarket Auchan - she'd been expecting us to head out to the country to play in the fields (au champs).
Our two five year olds yesterday - singing 'I'm Sexy and I know It' (LMFAO)
But they were singing 'I'm Sixty and I Know It'.
😆
My boy loves the Puss in Boots film, though he says "Piss in Boots". Makes me think of STW when he says it.
My little lad loves clocks and will point them out proudly wherever he sees one. It's cute, but he never pronounces the L, so just wanders round saying 'cock' earnestly at people. It was funniest in the bank where the very first thing he said to the mortgage adviser who greeted us was 'cock'.
My daughter always hated going to bed [ as she may be missing out on something ], her first words were, " no bed, no bed " ,unfortunately ,due to the wonders of childspeak it came out " nobhead, nobhead " .
My daughter always hated going to bed [ as she may be missing out on something ], her first words were, " no bed, no bed " ,unfortunately ,due to the wonders of childspeak it came out " nobhead, nobhead " .
That's one to save for the speeches on her wedding day.
Teaching the kids to say rude / funny things isn't the same as 'funny things kids say'
But as we've entered that theme, I often make pancakes for the kids' breakfast at the weekend. When they were little, I used to get them to give me a 'woooaaahhhhh' build up to flipping them. Followed by a round of applause if successful, or shouts of 'useless tosser' if not.
The entertainment police soon stopped that game.
Good one this morning, he put on a big furry dressing gown.
I said to the Mrs "He looks like Mackelmore!" (check the Thrift Shop video)
He jumped up and down and said "Watch Night Garden!"
?!
Mrs says "I think he's thinking of Macka Packa, not Macklemore!". Funny, as he's only seen it a couple of times but must have made an impression.
4 year old:
"I like that One Direction song!"
Starts singing "One direction, or another, I'm gonna get ya, get ya, get ya..."
I've never been happier to hear Blondie 😉
great little momentLittleMissMC helpfully pipes up "It's a computer"
I was getting changed after swimming a while back and MIniFla asked "why does that man have boobies ?" in a very loud voice - quick change of subject needed
Three year old daughter emerged from the bathroom the other day, and announced "I'd give it 5 minutes if I were you".
ransos - MemberThree year old daughter emerged from the bathroom the other day, and announced "I'd give it 5 minutes if I were you".
😆
youngest had a speech impediment when he was younger and couldn't pronounce his S's. This coincided with him hearing from someone the phrase 'scum bucket'
Walking around tesco's trying not to cry/giggle while your 4 year old calls your wife a 'Cum Bucket' repeatedly as he couldn't have crisps/chocolate/whatever else took his fancy is one of the hardest things I've had to do as a parent
My 4yo daughter has recently started letting out long-suffering exasperated sighs and saying [i]"Ooh, for the love of Thor.."[/i] or [i]"For Odin's sake..."[/i]
Which I imagine causes some raised eyebrows in the distinctly mono-cultural village we live in. I quite approve.
(She's into "How To Train Your Dragon" - which I also approve of because it is much more watchable that CBeebies)
Not saying a such, but:
Four year old was getting wound up by her grandfather, so she ran out of the room. Ran back in 5 minutes later, and silently handed him a bit of paper that said "Nincompoop!" on it.
We also get passive-aggressive notes, sometimes in duplicate.
The wee man saw my ski boots for the first time. They were sat in the kitchen after some night skiing. Anyway, he carefully inspected them with a frown, before smiling and exclaiming "robot wellies!". Mystery solved!
My 2 year old son punctuates everything with 'my darlin' at the moment..
His favourite after a show of affection is 'I love you too much my darlin' 🙂
'What the Dickens!?' is a another fave in our household atm
My eldest was 4 at the time (last year) he really liked Disney's The Black Cauldron. This was great until he started shouting at the top of his voice "Mummy, Daddy, I want to watch the black children!!!!"
Robot wellies 😆
One of our staff'a grandchildren enquired if a veiled Muslim lady in the supermarket was a pirate. He then proceeded to start shooting her with his imaginary gun.
"There's a landrover without a moustache!, Most Landrovers have moustaches but that one doesn't."
Winches and Bullbars are the moustache. He's right you know.