[Closed] The Edinburgh Fringe's 10 funniest Jokes

[i]Do you think they're cheering TJ up in his exile?[/i]

I suspect in the world of TJ that it's stw that's in exile 😉

The jokes have cheered me up, though.

You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.

QFT

The other day I went into a pet shop and the man tried to sell be a quadriplegic stick-insect. How do I know it's not just a stick?

Because it has two working legs..?

You're thinking of paraplegia, surely?

insects have six legs - therefore it would need to be a hexaplegic for the joke to work

I love this forum.

I guess you're right. Still, not my joke, and I found it funny anyway. Easily pleased maybe 🙂

@Cougar - I know. Sometimes you feel about as welcome as a fart in a space suit.

"Give it to me, you beast," she screamed, "I'm so damn wet right now!"

But I was keeping the umbrella.

(Not from the Fringe (I don't think) but I don't care, it's a while since we've had a jokes thread.)

Our a cappella group has just sacked the bass singer. He just kept lowering the tone.

What's the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?

Luke warm.

The other day, I poured root beer into a square glass.

Now I just have beer.

--

When I'm cutting articles out of Rolling Stone Magazine, I use my Rock Paper Scissors.

--

I'm going to start a house group for people with OCD. I don't have it myself, but I figure at least one of them will probably want to do my cleaning.

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Why did the broccolli keep swearing?

He had Florets.

Hahaha. Great stuff.

2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.

Milton Jones tells a very similar joke on his live show DVD...

What's the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?

Luke warm.

😆

The other night I was working on a case. I was working on a case as I couldn't afford a desk. Suddenly I heard a tap at the window. I looked at the window and thought "that's a funny place to put a tap". The curtains were drawn, but the rest was real. I opened the window and there was a tall blonde outside. I say she was tall as I was on the 10th floor. Next we took the lift downstairs. I was kinda heavy, but we just about managed. Then a taxi came round the corner with a jerk. The jerk got out and we got in...

Some time ago someone on here posted a joke about Janet Street Porter,

Janet Street Porter walked into a bar.

JSP: can I get a large aperitife?

Barman: I doubt it love.

At first I didnt get it. I'm sat here trying to stop my laughing because my office is unusually quiet.

Hahahah, just got it. Takes a while 🙂

Went to the hospital today to have mole removed from my penis.

The RSPCA let me off with a caution.

'I was never smacked as a child.

Well, just half a gram occasionally to get me off to sleep....'

I went into a pub and saw a dog in the corner licking it's "testes" (really, it's the "b" word).
I said to the barman "gee, I wish I could do that"
"give him a biscuit, he might let you" was his reply....

DrP

insects have six legs - therefore it would need to be a hexaplegic for the joke to work

Even then, hexaplegia doesn't mean it doesn't have legs, it would need to be a hextuple-amputee stick insect.

I must say starfanglednutter I'm glad that you clearly gave up comedy 'eons ago' in pursuit of something you have to be less terrible at!

The top 10 did make me laugh though, as did the JSP one up there ^^

Even then, hexaplegia doesn't mean it doesn't have legs, it would need to be a hextuple-amputee stick insect.

I like 7 & 9 🙂

JSP took a while

I must say starfanglednutter I'm glad that you clearly gave up comedy 'eons ago' in pursuit of something you have to be less terrible at!

Like I said (quite clearly, I thought), I was a barman, not a performer. Anyway, I think the post has been taken down for having too may swear words, or possibly being too awful, so others are spared the pain of casting heir eyeballs over it.

Sorry if anyone was offended (?!) Have coat, am leaving...

Old favourite,"woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre,so the barman gives her one"

She then went to the Buddhist pizza shop next door and ordered a Zen pizza. So they made her one with everything.

Everyone laughed when I said I was going to go into comedy... well, they're not laughing now.

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before

Flaperon - Member
Everyone laughed when I said I was going to go into comedy... well, they're not laughing now.

Showing your age there, a Bob Monkhouse classic gag that

My sons favourite,
Whats 80ft long and smells of piss?
The conga dance at the old folks home!
The neighbours didnt appreciate that when trick or treating

whats got 100 legs and smells of pee?
The front row at a Cliff Richards concert.

Sorry if anyone was offended (?!) Have coat, am leaving...

I thought some of them were quite funny TBF, better than most in the OP.

When people ask me about the death of my Uncle, I tell them that he "died after a series of strokes."

It sounds better than saying that he was found, cock in hand, surrounded by animal porn with a ligature around his neck and a tangerine in his mouth.

What’s brown and hides in the attic?
The Diarrhoea Of Anne Franks.

That's stupid and puerile and I deny absolutely that it made me giggle like an idiot.

7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."

That one nearly had the lunchtime cup of tea spat all over the desk at work - classic.

One of the understated classics was Henry Blofeld on the bits and pieces NZ cricketer Stephen Cunis:

"His bowling, like his name, is neither one thing nor the other."

Now that's what I'm talking about!