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A Glaswegian went into Greggs - "'scuse me, is that a macaroon or a meringue?"
"No, you're right," said the assistant, "It's a macaroon."
A man walks into a St Helens hardware shop and asks
'Do you sell turps?'
The shop keeper replies
'Do you want audio turps or video turps?'
What do you call a man in a swimming pool with no arms and legs?
Bob
What do you call a man swimming in a swimming pool with no arms and legs?
Clever Dick
What's the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
What do you call someone who hangs around a group of musicians hoping to get laid?
The drummer.
The vocalist goes back stage to find the bassist holding the drummer in a headlock and hitting him. "What's going on?" he asks.
"This bastard has detuned one of my strings" says the bass player.
"There's no need to hit him, just retune it!"
"I would" says the bass player "but he won't tell me which one"
What is the difference between oral and anal?
One can make your whole day but the other can make your whole week.
It was glum behind the scenes at Bake Off this week as Mary couldn't hide her disappointment when Paul presented her with a herb infused pastry, "Well Paul, this isn't at all what I was expecting and I was very much looking forward to tasting your dill dough".
My favourite curry is a tarka. It is like a tikka but a little otter
we had a er... shall we say 'not so bright' lad at work who didnt really understand this joke and tried to tell it to someone else in front of us.
punchline? "its like a chicken tikka but a bit hotter". he thought we were all p1ssing ourselves at the joke 😀
I met a dyslexic Yorkshire man the other day.
He was wearing a cat flap
😆
[i]
we had a er... shall we say 'not so bright' lad at work who didnt really understand this joke and tried to tell it to someone else in front of us.
punchline? "its like a chicken tikka but a bit hotter". he thought we were all p1ssing ourselves at the joke[/i]
"It's two nuns in a bath all over again"
(Courtesy of the League of Gentlemen)
Ten Scottish cows in a field.
Which one's the Arab? - Coo Eight.
Which one's on holiday? - The wan wi' the wee calf.
Which one's a Musketeer? - The dark tan yin.
Why did the baker have brown hands?
Because he kneaded a poo
OK if we're doing all the old music jokes again (which we are)...
Did you hear about the Yorkshire music teacher who called his dog Grieg because it used to Peer Gynt Suite?
Courtesy of my almost 6 year old
Q. What's the most painfullest bird in the world?
A. An Owwwwwwwwwwl
TM
On the accent theme - this is a Brummie joke....
What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
You can't wash your hands in a buffalo
**
A man rides into a Maserati garage but was sent out for having dirty MTB kit on
**
Dai and Hamish walked into a rugby thread and ordered some fish
[i]On the accent theme - this is a Brummie joke....[/i]
Noddy Holder in the tailors during the 1970's.
Tailor: And would sir like a kipper tie to go with his new shirt?
Noddy: Oooh, yes please - white two sugars.
What's the most common owl in Britain?
The Teat Owl.
Good one wwaswas - another for the Brummie collection
A boy goes into a music shop and asks the shop assistant for a mouth organ." That's funny" says the shop assistant " we had a little girl in earlier asking for one".." Oh yeah " says the boy " that'll be our Monica".
I got invited to a spice party in Birmingham last week.
I went as sporty spice, everyone else was dressed as an astronaut
Teacher in a classroom. Says to the kids " what kind of noise does a cow make", little johnny puts his hand up, " moooo miss" he says.
" Very good Johnny", " so what noise does a sheep make, class?"
Little johnny puts his hand up again " baaaaa miss"
"Very good Johnny" says the teacher, " so what noise does a pig make class?"
Little Johnny puts his hand up again. " go on then Johnny," says the teacher
" DROP THE TV MUTHA ****A" says Johnny.
A string theorist is caught "in flagrante delicto" by his wife.
"But darling", he says, "I can explain everything".
Fella walks into a posh bakery...
''I'll have that Black Forest Gattox in the window please''
'"Actually, sir, it's pronounced 'Gateaux' and its £11.99''
'"11.99!!? Well Bolleaux to that!!"
Why did the Lion and the Witch enter the Wardrobe?
Narnia business
two birds sat on a perch...one bird asks the other "can you smell fish?"
two guys walk into a bar...the third guy ducks
bear and a rabbit sat in the woods. bear asks the rabbit "do you have a problem with s**t sticking to your fur?". rabbit say "no" so the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his arse with him
Well, this is cheating but just happened to see it and I'm not typing them all out.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/comedy/comedians/funny-jokes/max-miller/
Well it makes a change from the Tim Vine jokes.
that reminds me, I must go and see my Aunty Marge, she's been sick for ages.
I can't believe she's not better.
What's brown and sticky?
Gluie Armstrong
What car does a pirate drive?
Civic Type Arrrr.
EDIT: Sounded funnier in my head.
Naah, a GT* Arrrrr
*Gun Toting
Edit: snap
>Why do pirates count in octal?
They're obsessed with pieces of eight.
Where do sick bumble bees go?
Waspital
What do you call someone who used to like tractors but doesn't anymore?
An extractor fan.
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It turned into a field.
Why do monkeys paint their balls red?
So they can hide in the cherry trees.
What's the loudest sound in the savannah?
Giraffes eating cherries.
What's the difference between a oral and anal thermometer ?
The taste.
Dwarf fortune teller escapes from prison. News headline "Small, medium at large"
A man walks into a dentists. "Can I help you?" asks the dentist.
"I am a moth." says the man.
" I beg your pardon?" says the dentist.
"I am a moth."
"It's not a dentist you need mate, it's a psychiatrist!" says the dentist
"Oh I know that," says the man "but I was on my way past and your light was on. "
Man goes into a petshop. "Have you got a Manx cat?"
"No, but I can make you one."
"Greg! Greg! Greg! Ian! Greg! Ian! Ian! Greg! Greg! Ian! Ian! Greg! Greg! Ian! Ian! Ian!"
Gregorian chant.
(courtesy of @MooseAllain)
why did the chicken cross the road?
to get to the other side
why did the chewing gum cross the road?
stuck on the chickens foot
why did the duck cross the road?
chickens day off
why did the chicken go the the mens toilet?
cos that's where all the cocks hang out
Greg! Greg! Greg! Ian! Greg! Ian! Ian! Greg! Greg! Ian! Ian! Greg! Greg! Ian! Ian! Ian!
A Chappell favourite.
How many stw'ers does it take to change a lightbulb?
7...one to change the bulb and six more to stand around saying how they wouldn't have this problem if they switched to tubeless bulbs.
How many stw'ers does it take to change a lightbulb?
7? Nope.
It takes 1 STW user. But he has to stop half way through to login again, so he can ask which way to screw it up.
A mountain biker takes a shortcut on a footpath across a golf course. He is accosted by a golfer who he recognises as his old teacher.
"How come you can play golf here but I can't use this right of way?"
"Because I'm a Country Member"
"How could I forget?"
Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so good at it.
Love the monkeys in the cherry tree joke 🙂
>Why do pirates count in octal?
They're obsessed with pieces of eight.
Potentially a bit geeky but,
What goes, "pieces of seven, pieces of seven"?
A piratey error.
What goes "Mark!... Mark!... Mark!... Mark!..."?
A dog with a hair lip.
Another geeky one (not really a joke either TBH!)
There are only 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand binary and those that don't.
... and those who understand ternary.
I've just been diagnosed as being colour blind. I thought I had good eyesight so the diagnosis certainly came out of the purple.
Two Ukrainian look at sun. Is not sun, but Chernobyl nuclear reactor meltdown. Ukrainian happy because maybe now warm enough to plant potato.
Man walks into a Swedish chemists.
Can I have some deodorant please?
Certainly sir, says the assistant, Ball or aerosol?
Neither, says the man, it's for under my arms.
One day in Soviet Russia, man hear knock on door.
Man ask "Who is?"
"Is potato man, I come around to give free potato"
Man is very excite and opens door.
Is not potato man, is NKVD.
When I was young I used to pray to God that my parents would buy me a new bicycle.
Then I learned how the world works, so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness.
Man walks into a Swedish chemists.Can I have some deodorant please?
Certainly sir, says the assistant, Ball or aerosol?
Neither, says the man, it's for under my arms.
Heh, that's an actual sketch. Pre-Python John Cleese and, er, Mel Smith I think. (Not The Nine O'Clock News? Maybe.)
Two Ronnie's sketch. Swedish man goes into chemist etc iirc.
talking of old jokes, here's one for you over 40's.
I entered a Marathon once.
It was horrible, I got peanuts all over my kn*b 😳
I snickered at that
😀
It WAS Not the Nine o'clock News
I got invited to the Premature Ejaculators Annual Ball so I phoned them up to ask them the dress code.
"Just come in your pants" was the reply.
What do you call an underground train full of professors?
A tube of smarties.
It WAS Not the Nine o'clock News
Aha! I had the right show but the wrong performer; Rowan Atkinson not JC.
Got lucky down the pub the other night & took a bird back home to her place.
Ended up giving her one on the kitchen table when I heard a key going in the front door lock.
"Quick" says the bird "try the back door!!"
In hindsight I should have just legged it but you don't get an offer like that everyday 🙂
My mate asked if I would run a sponsored marathon, I said no chance. He said it was for blind kids, I thought... I could win this.
Courtesy of Frankie Boyle, that one.
crispy bacon - Member
Got lucky down the pub the other night etc.
Must be the week for it; me too.
She was in her mid-fifties but was really well presented and she took me back to her place.
After a bit of fumbling about she asked me if I fancied some mother/daughter action.
Rock on I thought, let's give this a go and so I said yes.
She got up, went to the foot of the stairs and shouted 'MOTHER!"
Dates back further than Boyle, I think. He might have the harsher version of it.
I knew this girl who really wanted a monkey (haven't you always wanted a monkey?) so she phoned her dad up and asked for the money to buy a bicycle, because she knew he wouldn't give her the cash for a monkey.
He sent her the money and she bought her monkey and they were very happy. They went for walks in the park, played games, ate and slept together (not like that) and everything was going great until one day the monkey got ill.
It was off its food and generally lethargic and then its fur started coming out in big clumps. Distraught, she phoned her dad.
"Dad! All the hair's coming out of my monkey! What should I do?"
"Stop riding the damn bike!" he replied.
I've taken up cage fighting and am pleased to say I won my first fight. ****ing budgie never knew what hit it.
Some friends recently returned from a trip to Transyllvania.
They were overjoyed to get a guided tour of Count Draculas castle.
Unfortunately, the museum and cafe were closed as they were undergoing a re-vamp.
My colleague has fallen head over heels in love with a young lady he met at a Beatles themed party.
He was dressed as a walrus/ egg-man and she as Lucy in the sky with diamonds.
I recently saw them together down the local and to be honest, I haven't the faintest idea what he sees in her...
My poor old granddad was killed by a Zulu
A wall fell on him while having a dump at Whipsnade
Two mountain bikers were looking at their dream bikes in a bike shop window. "That's the one I'd get".
A passing cyclops smashed his head in
Why are all the jokes about bass players one-liners?So drummers can understand them.
You need to be careful making jokes about drummers.
There will inevitably be re-percussions.
6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.
A new pound shop has opened near Harry Potter world it's called Quidditch.
Paddy and Murphy are looking for a job so visit the jobcentre. While there one of the women does a quick search and say oh yes we have a job here for tree fellers. Paddy says, thats no good theres only 2 of us.
Man goes into the butchers and asks for a pound of kiddlies, the butcher replies do you mean kidneys? The man says, thats what I said diddle I?
mildbore - Member
Two mountain bikers were looking at their dream bikes in a bike shop window. "That's the one I'd get".
A passing cyclops smashed his head in
I don't get it. Is this an in joke?