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Can we make an all time best of joke thread ?
Cheesy jokes, clever jokes, dad jokes. The more the merrier
One of my friends reckons the temperature of his testicles is -273 degrees celsius...
Absolute bollocks!
I took some cheese from an angry Welshman the other day.
Want to know how I did it?
Caerphilly!
A female Japanese friend of mine use to say ...
... "bugger bar" instead of burger Bar.
"Let's have a bugger ... "
Me mate from London just looked at me grinning when she said it ... 😆
A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train.
When it happened, he was chuffed to bits.
Blindman goes for a job interview at a sawmill.
To test him he is given various pieces of wood & by smell alone he can tell what type of wood it is.
To try to fool him they get the secretary to lay down naked on the table in front of him.
The blindman sniffs then asks for the wood to be turned over & then sniffs again.
"Ah ha you can't fool me" says the blindman "It's a sh!thouse door off a trawler!!" 🙂
Hmmm.
No
What another one?
The greatest joke of all time is and will always be,
What's brown and sticky
A stick
Why did the monkey get lost?
Jungle is massive.
(What I like best about this joke is that my kids don't get it).
How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler.
What's brown and sticky?
[s]A stick[/s]
My Beyoncé poster
Whats brown and sticky?
Muhamed Ali opening a can of coke.
Brown and runny?
Usain Bolt.
Whats brown and rhymes with snoop?
Whats brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr Dre.
Two monkeys in a bath, the first monkey says "ohh ohh oohhh ohh". The second monkey says "If it's too hot put some cold in".
A man is fishing on the ice when he hears a booming voice.
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"
Rather shocked the guy shouts "is that you god?"
the voice replies "no you thick **** its the ice rink manager".
Northwind - Member
The greatest joke of all time is and will always be,What's brown and sticky
A stick
+1000. My absolute favourite childish joke.
Although I'm also partial to asking people if they've heard about the insomniac dyslexic agnostic who kept himself awake all night worrying about whether there was a dog.
A woman goes up to the bar and orders a double entendre. So the barman gives her one.
Van Gogh is sitting in the pub and his mate comes in. "Vincent," he says, " do you want a pint?"
"No thanks, I've got one 'ere."
A man walks into a pub
'Ouch'
It was an iron pub
(first time I told that joke on here someone politely corrected me)
What's orange.And sounds like a parrot?
-
A carrot
Why the did the hipster burn his mouth while eating pizza?
Because he ate it before it was cool.
Chris Eubanks has just published a book on ethics.
If it does well he'll move on to write one about Kent next.
Got my phone wet, so I followed the advice on the Internet and left it in a bowl of rice.
When I came back to it, it had deleted most of my contacts! All except my Uncle Ben's.
I remember being amazed when they invented the first universal remote control.
I thought - this changes everything!
I was asked if I wanted some eggs.
I said 'no thanks,I've got an oeuf'.
I hear the inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on sundial.
Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
My sons favourite when he small.
Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?
David Dickinson
A woman goes up to the bar and orders a double entendre. So the barman gives her one.
Then a roadie comes in, and gives her one too.
Favourite (recent) one was 'Our bass player is so depressed at his lack of timing, last night after practise he threw himself behind a bus'
"Mum! There's a drummer knocking at the door!"
"How do you know he's a drummer?"
"He keeps speeding up and getting louder."
I really hate it when your finger pops through the toilet paper when wiping
.
.
.
.
But apart from that I'm really enjoying my new job in the old peoples home
What do you call a headless snowman.
The Abdomeninal Snowman
(It was funny when I was 8 🙂 )
I went to a B&B the other day. The landlady asked me if I had a good memory for faces?
I said I do actually ...why do you ask?
She said .... because the mirror in the bathroom is broken!
What's brief and sticky and taps on you bedroom window?
A turd on stilts.
A man went to hospital with some toy horses stuck up his arse. The doctor said he was in a stable condition.
Paddy went for a job at a a blacksmiths. "So Paddy , have you ever shoed a horse?". "No, but I once told a donkey to **** off "
Ha.
Unexpected saves going on here.
I bought a dog off of a blacksmith. But when I took him home he made a bolt for the door
Cougar - Moderator
I hear the inventor of predictive text has died.His funfair will be hello on sundial.
The better punchline for that is 'his funfair is next Monkey' - I dunno, it just flows better.
Anyway, did you hear about the dyslexic bulimic who choked on her own Vimto?
Teacher says to class " give me a sentence with the word Contagious in it"
Little johnny sticks his hand up
" My dad saw a man drop a bag of apples. He said it will take that c*** ages to pick them up"
I spent a couple of hours at my wife's' grave today
Bless her! She thinks i'm digging a pond
I had a bird sh*t on me last week.
I'm not taking her out again...
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Two cops came to my house last night and asked if I could show them a recent photo of my wife. I showed them the one on the mantelpiece and one said "Were sorry, it looks like she's been run over."
" Yes I know" I said, " but she's good with the kids."
Contagious... Love that.
A bloke takes his daughter to the sweetshop so she has something to eat while he gets his hair cut. In the barbershop she drops one of her sweets on the floor. The barber says "awww have you got hair on your candy?"
"piss off" she says "I'm only 4!"
I think I've just bought a pirated film. Put it in the player and heard "Blu-ray, and up she rises..."
"Doctor, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse"
"How's that?"
"Now don't you start!"
You need to do this one in a Yorkshire accent....
Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet
"cat's sick vet" he says
Yorkshire vet says "is it a Tom"
Chap relies " Nay lad, its in 'box in waiting room"
Two game hunters are out in the woods when one of them suddenly collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy gets his phone and calls 999. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. “OK, now what?“
She was a Morse Code Operator. Just like her Dad.
She didit because her dahdah didit.
What's the difference between an argument with your wife & a knife? A knife has a point...
My new girlfriend thinks she has a stalker.
Well she's not technically my girlfriend yet
I got a bottle of whiskey for the missus.
sounds like a fair swap...
Ive been catching up with an old pal, whose introduced me to a green liquer down at the local boozer.
The missus appreciates this but is perplexed by my insistence on breaking wind loudly as I stagger back from the pub. She says its like a motorbike roaring past.
Well you know what they say, 'absinthe makes the farts go honda'
What's got 8 legs and 8 eyes?
8 pirates
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because the Russians were after it!
.
.
.
.
sorry, Chechen not chicken.
IGMC.
Paddy's wife rushes into the kitchen looking flustered and says didn't you hear me fall down the stairs.
Paddy thinks for a moment and says sorry I thought it was the start of eastenders
Follow from the drummer jokes, how do you know when there's a singer at the door? Can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in
Paddy
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What do you call a bass player without a girl friend?
Homeless.
Q/ What do you call a hen
looking at a lettuce?
A/ Chicken Caesar salad
How do you shut up a guitarist?
Show him sheet music.
I asked the Librarian if she had any good books on voyeurism
"How the hell did you get in our bedroom?" her husband demanded
My favourite curry is a tarka. It is like a tikka but a little otter
A man giving a speech during a sex conference stands up and says:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure".
Then he sat down again.
What cheese can you gide a horse with?
Mascarpone
I just deleted all the German names off my phone.
It’s Hans-free
Shakespeare walks into a pub. Barman says "get out, ya bard".
Who's the coolest person in the hospital?
The Ultrasound guy.
Who's the coolest person if the Ultrsound guy is on holiday ?
The Hip-replacement guy.
Why are all the jokes about bass players one-liners?
So drummers can understand them.
I was in B&Q and this man just walked up to me and asked if I wanted decking.
Luckily I got in the first punch.
Janet Street Porter walks into a bar and say "Could I have a large aperitif?"
The barman looks at her and says "I doubt it, love!"
What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
You can punch information into a drum machine.
What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
You can punch information into a drum machine.
Not quite - the punchline is 'you only have to punch the information into a drum machine once'
I was pretty sure I had got over my phobia of German sausages but unfortunately I think it is coming back...
I fear the wurst
I rang babestation the other night, the girl on screen answered and said, "Hi sexy, how can I help?"
I said " bloody hide! the missus is coming down the stairs and I've lost the remote"
What is the difference between a sharply dressed man on a unicycle and a dully dressed man on a bicycle?
A tyre.
Why are pirates called pirates? Because they Arrrr!
After all the drummer jokes it would be rude not to have an Accordion Player joke.
An accordionist is booked to play at a Hogmanay Party in a pub. At the end of the night the landlord says to him - 'Everyone's had such a great time, so much so I'd like to book you to come back and play next Hogmanay'
'Not a problem' says the accordionist 'I might as well just leave my accordion here then'
(Phil Cunningham told me that joke)