[Closed] The black dog

Shit mate. Sorry to hear that. Let me process that and get back to you. In the meantime I can only offer the usual bland stuff. I've been going through a lot of crap since the loss of my best mate. Talking on here was a huge help to me, hopefully to you too.

Thanks.

I opened up on FB a couple of days ago, and that helped greatly, however another slump now and it'd be good to hear if there are any survivors on here

I realise you still think she was "The One", but viewed from afar anyone who can get engaged in less than 4 weeks is best avoided. Stay strong, someone else will turn up.

Not much I can say to help, but hang in there, and know you're doing the right things at the moment. Hopefully if enough people on here chip in, it'll add up to something positive for you, and knowing this place, they will. All the best

Is your email in your profile still active?

It just helps talking about it. To know you're not the only one

Is your email in your profile still active?

Don't say "yes", he'll only send you spider photos then it'll be worse 😀

I don't use it but can still access it

Shit dude, sound horrible and I can only say to keep safe and there is far more to your life to live for. Have you got any friends or family that can come over to be with you?

I think when you say you've coped before, moved on and its been fine but this time its different and you cant see a way through have you considered that other things in your life are currently building up on you and tainting your view of life and your ability to process things. I've had some difficulties lately with work being the start point for it all but it is affecting everything else in my life and my mental spectrum so I wondered if perhaps the same was for you and retrospectively looking back you could identify the other problems around you and perhaps once you narrow down them, this will become easier to cope with?

Yeah, with family

Fire me an email too if you want.

The only stress that I had was what her kids and other issues she had caused, I struggled to cope which pushed her away and caused this

Sorry to hear this mate, it sounds pretty crap for you at the moment. I've never been in a situation like yours but have had some very low patches in my life and can relate to how you feel. Whenever I get to the point of wanting to end it I think of how my friends and family would feel, how they would blame themselves and wonder what they should have done, this would stay with them forever. This always makes me pull back because I couldn't do that to them. Hang in there, it sounds like you have emergency support ready and that you will use it if necessary. Is there anyone who could stay with you, or you could stay with? Good luck or whatever

so emotionally in the relationship you really wont coping at all. And now what seems to be her problems have yet again caused you to be effected. Can you see that she is the one to blame here and you're not for how you're feeling now? Maybe that will take some of the burden of your shoulders, I always blame myself for everything so to know something isn't my fault is always nice. You already blame yourself by saying that you pushed her away but do you realised she cause you to push her away by asking and expecting you to do too much and take more responsibility than you perhaps needed to?

That is truly shite houns, everyone is different and from what I have learned there is no "correct" way to cope, just whatever works for you. Having said that, if this helps you at all like it got me through, then use the hell out of it. For me it was the the thought that I can always kill myself tomorrow, even when on the verge there was a little bit that just kept plugging away thinking if it gets no better than why not tomorrow, rather than now? For me id almost got the point of being catatonic at times. I think the scariest stage was when I "felt in control" and this whole other logic kicked in when I was coldly considering all the options (I almost derived an odd pride about the fact that I could be so calculated about my end) looking back now that was probably the biggest danger point rather than full emotional state I was in prior to it. The other thing was that I've always had this thing about not being a burden on people and no matter whay I could think off it always seemed to be better for my retched pointless shit to continue, than some poor ****er have to deal with finding what was left of me, that one thought made me feel even more useless and pathetic, that I couldn't even kill myself without ****g it up and ruining someone elses life, but strangely just about kept me intact.

Long time ago now, and fk me that was hard to write and think about even now, but im so much better, I still have massive bleak periods, but my life is good even when I could see no way forward at the time.

just take one day at a time, everyday you keep going is a little win and with the support you have it will get better, life cam be shit, but its the only game in town.

drop me an email if I can help, even if its just be an impartial ear to listen.

matt

Get your bike out and ride the **** out of it.
If you don't want to do it on your own email me and I'll meet up with you and come out with you.

Really sorry to hear you're having such a bad time. You say you want to know if anyone else has been that low and got through it. Well yes, I've plumbed the depths more than once, the first and worst time was when my 1st marriage broke down, I had dreadful post-natal depression that dragged on for well over a year before anyone would help. In short I survived and have survived subsequent dark depressions. I don't really want to go into details on the internet but If you want to email me, feel free. All the best.

Thanks Matt

Yes I too have had the calm "in control" periods! Where it comes so matter of fact and you feel almost ready

Golfchick, I know you're right, but there's that mental block, I forget the negatives and just think of the good things etc, then there's the heart taking over the brain.

Ssstu I know riding etc will help, I'm not up to it currently due to physical effects and weight loss though loss of appetite.

Thanks for offers of emails etc, I will when can brain a bit

You will get through this and out the other side. It won't be possible to see this now no matter what anyone says, your deep feelings are telling you otherwise but your brain is lying to you! I have felt similar to you at the end of relationships, hours spent crying in a heap on the floor imagining the future you've just lost BUT held on and waited and it wasn't all that long in the grand scheme of things before I found someone so much better and have ended up happier and more contented with life than I ever could have been with those people I cried over.

Ssstu I know riding etc will help, I'm not up to it currently due to physical effects and weight loss though loss of appetite.

Aw, Houns, sounds awful

- and stop with the "sorry", there's nothing wrong with being affected by this and there's nothing wrong with asking for support; you know we love this stuff! 😉

I've no great advice to offer but remember, you are one of the good guys. Value yourself accordingly, treat yourself well and take time to heal. Let your family and friends help you

... and see this shit off, however long it takes

I'm a crap listener and borderline tosser but I can type bollocks like this all day long if I need to.

Once you get back home, have you already got people you can call? - whenever? (I mean, it's always middle of the night when you really need help, right ?)

Just keep on each day and remember "this too shall pass". In the short term concentrate on the next 5 minutes and fill them. Then the next and so on. Talk here of via email to us. We have a good record at this type of thing. It's ok to feel like shit because " this too shall pass" . All the best with coping . Mike

Houns, I have sent you an email, no spider photos, unless you want some that is.

If you aren't in a condition to ride, I'm available to walk. You have friends here, and there too.

It is widely accepted that going through that sort of shit can be worse than the person dying. You will be completely brokenhearted but you will, with time, get over it - that's the one absolute certainty.

Although I know that now for you time will seem to be standing still - 5 minute appears to be like a lifetime.

All the feelings you are going through are completely classic feelings, including blaming yourself, feeling that you can't/don't want to carry on without her, and thinking of her every minute of the day.

There's really very little anyone can say or do to help but you can help yourself and the healing process by keeping yourself as active a possible, and by changing your routine so that your life is significantly different and you do stuff which isn't automatically associated with her.

With reference to this :

[i]I find she's in a relationship with another man (that she met for first time 2 days before we split but had been chatting to on FB) and found out this last week that they're engaged now.[/i]

That ^^ is not the behaviour you would expect from a rational person. One of the feelings you will be experiencing now is that you are not in control of events in your life, it's a horrible feeling. But get some sort of solace in the thought that she appears to be in a mess herself.

I feel for you, what you are going through is truly shit. But however dim it might appear there is light at the end of the tunnel. You just can't quite see it yet. It's very early days.

EDIT :

I forget the negatives and just think of the good things etc

Yep, classic. So get a pen and paper and write a list of all the negatives. That will help you to remember.

No spider photos thanks!
SoG I know, banned from driving at moment.
I am safe, I'm in with parents (not helping with self esteem there!) and have 24/7 crisis support if needed
Thanks for any emails, may not get replies today, as just taken meds

Cheers ernie

Yes she has many many issues which were caused by 20+ years of being with a psychopath (and her children have issues due to him too)
But that's for another day. Again anyone who doesn't know me/her/us will say I'm best off out of there, but you can't help who you love

Houns - I can tell you're the sort of bloke that'll get through this. I never know what to say to people in trouble - but you asked if anyone had been this low - well I have. In the past few of years I lost my wife, family home I'd worked my life for, my dad, then my job! I also had an injury which stopped me doing sport! Resilience is what it takes. You've got it.
Brilliant that your parents are with you cos family is the number one. Listen to em. Believe them when they tell you how much they value you. Stick with it mate.

Been there myself, to the point I put a noose around my neck and stepped off the stepladder in the garage.
Of course, the ratty old top broke and I sat on the garage floor and cried.
Don't think too far ahead, get through one day at a time. Read books, watch films, things that take you out of yourself and into a fantasy world for a little time. Ride your bike when you are ready, not before.
It does get better honestly, 8yrs on and I'm far happier with a good woman than I ever was with the one who walked out for another bloke.
Allow yourself to grieve, then set some personal goals - small at first, and you'll find each achievement brings you a little more peace.

I've been perhaps unnecessarily facetious in previous posts - please take them as they were meant, in good humour! I know what it's like to have the black dog riding your back, and the main thing I'd add is that it's not forever - despite what you may feel right now things [b]will[/b] get better. I can't offer a great deal of real help from Madrid, but if you're ever around I'd be happy to get you a beer...

And I'm not the first person on this thread to offer you a beer, so whatever you might be feeling right now you're obviously not that much of a **** 🙂

Crying more now thanks to you all, but they are 'good' tears, thank you

Dezb and muddy wish could give you both a hug

If it helps any, I always think of this song when I hear your name, Houns.

There is depression and then there is Bette Midler. Where will the pain end?

Just remember that in the long term you'll be so much better off without the baggage that is a woman who will rebound in 48 hours. You dodged the bullet!
10 months after the mother of my eldest walked out of my life, she had another kid. My life has only improved since she has been out of the picture (fortunately my boy is a smart lad, but that's a whole other story 😉 )

Hey houns, it's good you posted on here. This is when the STW gang is at its best. But because they are, there's nothing much I can say except that I sympathise deeply. Very best wishes, and don't forget that some of us on here have been where you are (in one way or another) and will be there if you need to talk.

EDIT: Just re-visited the mugshots thread. You're a handsome chap; you should have no trouble meeting someone new!

Tough times OP, on here we often like to try and kick 10 bags of sh.t out of each other but when it comes to things like this we are a real community ready to help as we can. Feel free to share anything anytime. From what you say things weren't right for you and the fact she's hooked up with someone else so quickly would say to me she wasn't willing to fight for you. As such and as difficult as the situation is it doesn't look like it was supposed to be.

Jamie 😯

I know I keep saying it, but thank you. When I can be a bit more coherent I shall write more, but I am reading and taking your help in

Plus, someone that leaves their partner for a man they met 2 days previously and gets engaged 4 weeks later may have their own issues that in the long run you're better off not having to deal with. I would try to stop blaming yourself if you can.

Jamie!!! Surely there must be an appropriate gif for this occasion???

Focus on 2 things.

Little steps. Recovery won't come quick, and it will be fragile, but it will come in time.

Spend time with friends. There are lots of people who would miss you, and time with friends makes you realise/remember this.

The latter point has got me through a few times when the dog has come for me

I know a guy who was at rock bottom. A hideous childhood, was homeless (living in a Ford Escort), just about hanging on to a very poorly paid job, had some very nasty people looking for him, no family. No notes, no prior mention to anybody (nobody to mention it to in all honesty), made an honest assessment and concluded that he'd really rather not be around anymore. Took enough anti depressants and sleeping pills to end it for an army.
He was found, ambulance, hospital, either a referral to St.James renal unit in Leeds or the mortuary. All without his knowledge. He was all but dead. A&E doctor said "It's between him and God now" to the student nurse tasked with sitting with him until "he goes off".
He's been married to that student nurse for 21 years now.
The point I'm making, (I think) is, you're lowest point is YOU'RE lowest point. You CAN come back from this. Ride it out. Just keep riding it out. If it seems that it can't get any worse and yet then, it does, think about that. You were convinced it couldn't get any worse but yet it did. [b]You didn't think it could get any worse[/b]. You were at your lowest possible. Yet it went even lower...... . You ARE stronger and BETTER than you think you are. It will take effort and energy. You probably don't have that energy now and you can't muster the effort but you probably will get that energy soon. Then you can decide if you're prepared to make that effort.

Check back through my posting history over the last year, a lot of us have had issues and a lot of us on here are here to listen, talk, blow off steam with if you need it.

Sounds to me like the breakup has triggered the release of a lot of other issues that were being ignored and festering. The important thing is that you are getting some professional help in the real world.

Things will look pretty bleak now, and for quite a while to come I suspect. But keep following the professionals advice, accept their suggestions for medication, counselling, CBT or whatever. You may not want to do what they suggest, it may not feel like it is working and you are getting worse, but eventually you will wake up and will see a fresh dawn ahead. Though there will still be days when that dawn is wet, cloudy and grey and seems to be further away than the day before.

Sorry, I'm shit with metaphors.

Last year I had a flip out over work. Didn't want medication due to the side effects, but had 3-4 weeks off, and then did a group CBT course when I went back to work. Wasn't that impressed by the CBT course but seemed to be OK and then the Black Dog - or Dementors as I refer to it - came back big time after Christmas. Tried the medication, had 4 months of work, a few lifestyle changes, and a series of counselling sessions that helped me identify and deal with the work issues, and a few others I'd been ignoring, and I'm now a month into a return to work, feeling a lot more at peace with myself and the world, and capable of lifting myself up when I start to slide backwards.

Sorting out papers yesterday I found one of my initial questionnaire sheets. Made me realise how far further forward I am now compared to where I was. I've kept it deliberately. My answer to the question "What has stopped you acting on [the desire to end it all]" was "I love my kids too much to do that to them". And there will be a lot of friends and family who you care about too much to do anything so final.

Suspect I'll be on the pills till the spring, but the corners have been turned.

And this will happen to you in time as well.

Sound's like you have avoided a problem in separating. I have been fortunate never to have slid down the scree slope of despair, but I can see how it can happen so easily and can consume a person. Accept how it feels right now and have faith that it will feel better in future. Hope the prospect of a bunch of middle aged blokes sending you good vibes helps more than it scares!!

there will be a lot of friends and family who you care about too much

And they will care about you equally or more.

If nothing else helps, take the piss out of my shoes. I'll allow it, just this once.

More seriously, stay strong, you know you both can and will.

Oxfords or Brogues?

Mate, big hugs from me 🙂 I've never been a fan of them hugs that is, however with my depression, and perhaps my gained appreciation over the years of what is actually important for me in life, I've realised the benefit...

I cannot see myself recovering from this, I feel a complete failure and rejected, I'm scared, scared of a future being single and alone. She was amazing and yes not 'perfect' on paper for me but she was pretty much everything I've ever wanted, I'm scared I will never find anyone 'better'.

I think these are all perfectly normal thoughts under the circumstances. In fact I've been through some pretty similar circumstances recently myself. It leaves you in a pretty dark and lonely place, and it seems no amount of rationalising can help you see it any other way.

Talking to people is a big help. So just posting on here is something. I think it just helps not to be alone with your own thoughts. To listen to someone else's, or simply to share your own with them.

Things will get better though. You might well even be happier at the end of it all even if you don't believe it now. Just tough at the moment, and I understand the pain. It's hard to shake off, and very, very real. Talk it through. Tough it out. You'll get there.

If you're anywhere near Loughborough I wouldn't mind a walking and talking companion if you're up for it? Beautiful countryside really takes your mind off things!

I keep a vague mental tab of users who are local, and I think you're DY postcode aren't you? I'm up in quarry bonk and free in the daytime this week if you want someone to talk at, or cycle with, or both (I'd prefer the chatting, cycling's not really my thing 😕 )

It takes time but it gets better, never perfect but better.
12 months ago I was probably at the lowest point I had been, was a hard bloke to be around but in the end my friends came through. Find someone who can listen, they will. I made some changes and steps to get control of my life back, one step at a time take it slow don't do anything too rash and remember summer is coming . Stick around this life has a lot to offer.

You'll get through it Houns.

A lot of us have been and made it out ok.

It helps talking, appreciative of what you have have and setting new goals.

Get some exercise and go out with some friends.

You have so much to live for.

I'm scared I will never find anyone 'better'.

You know that you have friends around the country who value you for what you are, a lovely, caring person. So caring, in fact, that you've helped her move on from that previous abusive relationship. That's an amazing achievement. Far from being a failure you should be proud of what you have given her and her children.

You know where I am and all offers remain open to you whenever you feel ready.

New Bike Time and a Holiday to book. too . Give you something to look forward to in the near future.
And time. You need time to get your head clear and remove all the negativety that this has brought to you, but thats fine because now she's gone you will have the time required.

Plan things. Weekend in Scotland / Wales / Cornwall / Highlands and Islands. And dont worry about asking for help on here. If you want to come down south for some windsurfing or mayberide some of the best wooded singletrack in the country I can sort that. The veiw from my lounge is pretty good at stress releiving, and I can drag DebZ along as well. we are both old , old men who are really slow but get their in the end.

And drink tea, lots of tea. No booze.

Hey mate. I can empathise with feeling rock F@@king bottom and looking for an "out" if only for a rest from feeling so utterly broken. It's a terrible terrible place to be, but your not alone, and you can and will get through this ( honestly)

So pleased you've reached out and got professional help, that's a huge, and brave step to take, of everything I found that the talking therapy worked wonders for me.

Please Please Please be kind to yourself, you've had a difficult relationship ( from what I've read here) which has ground you down, then you've had a really important relationtionship end with no warning, only to find that another person was on the scene. That's a shed load to deal with, you're going to be upset, angry, desperate and not know which way is up. It's ok to feel as you are, you need to hold on to the thoughts that this will pass, there is a way out.

As I said be kind to yourself, eat well, even if you don't feel like it, stay off the bottle, take the help, get out of the house even for a walk around the block.

You can and I'll get through this fella, it will be a hard old slog, you'll have peaks and dips along the way but you will come through this. Your not alone in going through these feelings mate,and you will push through this.

I've popped a link below, it's only short but I found it good as I started to recover.

Take care mate, be kind to yourself, this will pass these feelings will go away, you will get past this honestly, regardless of how impossible that seems right now.

Houns, I don't know you but you sound like a decent bloke. Keep talking and stop blaming yourself.

Hiya Houns.

Not much to add, but if you fancy a break in a good spot for cycling, we've got a spare room.
You're welcome anytime, just drop us a line.
Oooh, miles away from Rochdale.
Take care.

I hit rock bottom last September. I tried to kill myself, and came very close to being successful. Indoor BBQing is bad m'kay!

After I left the ICU I was packed off home, still couldn't cope, and ended up as a voluntary in patient at a local psyc ward. In terms of my "recovery" that only served as a "safe place" and somewhere to get my meds sorted. It really wasn't that bad being in if I'm honest, and helped me reset.

What really helped me, above everything else though was being open and up front with my friends, and accepting their support.

Spend time with your mates if you can, and look after yourself! Drop me an email if you fancy, I'm happy to listen.

Thank you all, and again so sorry

This morning is tough. I miss her so much. I love her so much. I fancy her so much. I miss my soulmate

Home care been and gone but felt couldn't speak to them as parents there, every noise, comment, door closing etc makes me want to scream

Numb, feel like brain is in a vice being squeezed.

F*** 😥

Sorry can't read and reply to all posts/emails yet . Not strong enough

Thank you all, and again so sorry

Being able to talk freely is important, if you can get somewhere else to talk to them then go for that. There are times you will need that chat with your folks but take your time there.

@dan I am always surprised about how courageous people are here sharing stories, I can onky imagine how helpful support from others in such a situation must be and younare part of that for @Houns. Chapeau and glad to hear the attempt didn't work out !!

Sorry can't read and reply to all posts/emails yet . Not strong enough

It just helps talking about it. To know you're not the only one

and you really aren't the only one. the replies on this thread are proof of that. i bet there's more of us been where you are than you realise.
you can't go anywhere yet, i'm sure oakley will be releasing more new gegs soon!

Hope it's helped to share, you've shown a lot of strength doing that.

Not much to add, but I'm sure you will be back stronger in time, even if it doesn't feel that way now.

mate.. been in a similar situation myself once or twice, and if you've also been there before you'll know that to start with it's always unbearable..
We put them on a pedestal, search for reasons, cling to the past for fear of the future

have a mope, write her love poems, bombard her with text messages, **** yourself into a coccoon and cry your heart out but don't blame yourself..
people part ways because it's not working, not because one person or the other is failing

wallow for a bit and then dust yourself down and stand tall, get tough, and move on

I miss my soulmat

Nah, your soulmate doesn't treat you the way you've been treated.

Scotroutes - that's really helped me get out of a trough I've been in for days. Thank you.

We're here when you need us. Until you're ready, we can wait.

Scotty nailed it, and for more than just you.

I still don't fully blame her for what's happened. She has so many issues that her past has caused, anxiety, depression, PTSD awaiting psych sessions for possible borderline personality/ bi polar, history of anorexia and self esteem issues.
We never properly talked about her or my issues and how what we did or said could affect each other or be taken the wrong way.
I know I'm defending her, but I do believe she never intended to hurt me so bad

[quote=Houns ]I still don't fully blame her for what's happened. She has so many issues that her past has caused, anxiety, depression, PTSD awaiting psych sessions for possible borderline personality/ bi polar, history of anorexia and self esteem issues.
We never properly talked about her or my issues and how what we did or said could affect each other or be taken the wrong way.
I know I'm defending her, but I do believe she never intended to hurt me so bad
I'm not suggesting that any of her actions were intentionally hurtful and I think you're right to cut her a lot of slack as a result of her previous experiences. That doesn't negate my previous comment 🙂

I thought this thread was about a film!

Anyhow, suck it up princess. Life's an absolute arse and the people that walk about in it are even worse. However, there a just a few select individuals that are bloody blinding and make sense to you, and they are the ones that are woth blubbing over; she doesn't sound like one of them.

People say that you "have one chance". You don't. You have lots. And lots. And lots.

Embrace every one of those chances, because that's what it's all about.

Onward and upwards chap. When you're ready of course 🙂

I hate mornings, just thinking a whole day ahead of me full of hurt. I'm trying to only think of the next hour, it's a huge mountain

it's a huge mountain

[img] ?itok=YCUdtqrn[/img]

Houns - I've been there mate. Try and find something to laugh at, no matter how stupid.
I can recommend Road Runner cartoons.
When you find yourself unexpectedly laughing at something stupid despite your low mood, it can turn the tide and make you, just for a moment, see a bit of light at the end of the tunnel.

Best advice my counsellor gave me was "do something nice for yourself"

As I don't work Mondays I had a bimble on some local trails, realised I had time to try a café I'd never stopped at before, and - sod it - time to stop at my favourite café as well an hour so later.

Quality Me Time with bikes, coffee and cake. And a pasty. And quite a lot of wildlife this morning. Was great!

Copied and pasted from a previous incarnation of the same type of thread, coz I can't be arsed typing it all again.........

My advice. Get a wider perspective on your life and your place in the universe. Your problems and issues seem huge to you when you brood on them constantly. You need to shrink your perception of them down a bit. This helps me and makes the problems easier to deal with. It's difficult enough to deal with the actual problems without stressing about the stress of stressing about the problems.

I find two approaches work for me.

Glorious isolation - go somewhere that you can be alone in nature. Walk on an empty beach, climb a hill , go deep into the woods. Consider your tiny presence in the midst of the place you're in and then extend that to the wider world and the infinite universe. You feel small in comparison and so do your problems.

Extreme crowds - Go to the busiest place you can find. Stand in the middle of the crowd and watch as all the people stream past. These are all people with the same hopes, dreams, aspirations and problems as you. Look at them all not as individuals but as a massive swarming group of issues and problems. Imagine how many people there are in the town / city / country / world.
Your issues are a mere microscopic drop in this huge, swirling mass of human struggle.

Don't seem so big now, do they? Obviously YMMV.

Try and find something to laugh at every day. It really helps. 99% of my posts on this forum are dumb-ass jokes......not because I feel some innate need to entertain the masses, it's because I try to make myself laugh and need an outlet for that because, god knows that the po faced asshats I share an office with ain't interested in listening to my pish most of the time.

Take every day as it comes and I genuinely wish you good luck in getting through it.

Houns haven't got a lot of advice just wishing you all the best.

Again, thank you all for replies. Again sorry but unable to process a lot at the moment and even reading the messages is hard let alone formulating a coherent reply.

I did manage to get out and visit my colleagues/friends at the Trust property I volunteer at in a Monday. One of the lads is my age and a Vicar, had a good heart to heart with him, he asked me if was ok to pray for me, me not being religious at all however his words caused me to break down, it did mean a lot.

I'm not better, no worse. Still miss her like crazy and would do anything to have her back (even if that's so stupid)

I just want to say thanks again to those who have taken time to respond