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Looking for some input or any advice here as I’m in a lose lose situation. In short my ex-wife and I have been divorced for about 4 years, she hasn’t taken well to it and has been turning to alcohol increasingly as time has gone on. Both families fully support her, she was well taken care of in the divorce so the kids have a good roof over their heads and she gets a good maintenance payments every month for this kids. As a result she hasn’t needed to work since the divorce.
We have two girls aged 10 and 5
Things came to a head about 4 months ago and I was pulled into school as they have concerns about the kids as eldest was putting youngest to bed as mummy was passed out due to alcohol. I reaffirmed with the authorities that I wanted to be part of the solution and will support my ex-wife through this and wanted to keep the status quo for the kids. I’ve had several chats with her and her family stating this needs to stop and what can I do to help. In short these chats have fallen on deaf ears, she continues to drink while in charge of the kids and her family haven’t stepped in as I expect them to, if anything they are enabling her drinking as they think it’s fine as it’s just a “social drink”. There is lot more I could write but she’s basically ticked all the boxes for alcohol dependency and if anything her drinking is worse with more secrecy and lies, a very worrying situation
So I feel I’m left with little option but to step in and take temporary custody of the kids while she gets better and focuses on herself. I’m covered off legally with a good solicitor, not concerned about that bun fight as I know I’m on solid ground and authorities will work with me if needed. I’m worried about the kids and what I can do to reaffirm to them things will be ok, hopefully… Any words of wisdom to help me deal with the kids and how they are going to process all this while their mummy isn't well
I haven't, thankfully, been in this situation but as a parent I reckon that kids value routine and a sense that they are loved above all else. You are clearly a loving and concerned parent and they will both know this but plenty of cuddles etc obviously won't go amiss. If you can maintain their school schedules and contact with friends as much as possible I'm sure that would also allow them to settle into this new situation with reduced disruption.
The only unknown variable is how they will deal with the reaction from and treatment of their mum. I suppose you can only deal with what you know and react as best as you can to the unknowns, but you strike me as someone who has done everything he can to put your children first.
Good luck in the future and vent further on here if it helps.
P.S. Don't forget to look after yourself as well (try to get out on the bike if that is at all workable).
Nothing much useful to add here but wanted to say I feel for your situation, and for your children, it must be incredibly hard for all of you. I think that showing your children you care will help them immensely, that they are not 'on their own' in these times.
Having gone through divorce with kids I can only add this as advice.
Kids are more resilient than parents give them credit for. Most parents are so frightened of doing anything that "MAY" have a negative impact on their children that they overthink situations a lot of the time.
Get your kids out of that dangerous environment and into a "normal" stable home with you asap. The kids will be fine and will adapt very quickly if as said above you keep as much of their routine as possible.
Tell them Mummy Is poorly and needs time to get better.
Good luck, it sounds like you have a very sensible, open and level headed way of looking at this situation so I am sure you will do well, whatever happens.
It sounds like you are considered, patient and well briefed. It also sounds like you know exactly what you need to do.
Two things I would say:
1. Keep a diary or events, meetings, conversations. Even if you don't think you need it now, you don't know what is coming around the corner.
2. Kids are resilient, much more so than we expect. They will cope with change well.
Not sure I've got anything particularly helpful to offer but as a parent and someone who has recently watched my oldest mate slip into a downward spiral of alcohol dependency then you have my sympathies - really tough situation.
This may not but relevant in your situation, but one thing I've learnt the hard way is don't beat yourself up because you can't "fix" things. I spent months worrying about what I could / should do to help my mate stop drinking. Was there something I could say that would help and make him see sense or some action I could take. There isn't - it's down to them sadly. So as above, make sure you find time for yourself in the coming weeks / months.
thanks for the kids words gents, it is appreciated to get some reassurances. I'm doing all the above; diary keeping track of everything, know there is nothing else I can do to get her through this it's up to her to make next positives steps etc etc.
I'm sure the kids will get through this but it's tough seeing the impact this is having on the 10 year old
No advice but good luck.
I’m sure the kids will get through this but it’s tough seeing the impact this is having on the 10 year old
What impact? I am guessing its living with an alcoholic mother and being responsible for your 5 year old sibling? If I am correct then the sooner they are out of that situation and in a home where they can just be kids again the better.
basically yeah, the 10 year old has the parental responsibilities pushed onto her and hovers around her mother so she can check she is 'ok'. Wants to go home when not with her mother no matter the person she is with or what activity they are up to. Carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders and this is coming out in all areas of her life. She doesn't know how to cope with all the emotions but it's clear shes becoming angry with her mother but the mother doesn't see this. Mother and her family think everything is fine as daughter wants to spend bulk of her time with mummy. My family and teachers are concerned