[Closed] Tell me your stories about people stating the bleedin' obvious...

650b wheels really bring the trail alive.

We have breakfast, dinner and tea.

Got a puncture on the canal in the summer, a great big nail through the rear and the tyre went 'HISSSSSSSSSSS' until flat, Bloke leans out out a canal barge and says 'you've got a puncture'
no fugging shit sherlock!

Nah, you were just out of bottom air. The top air's fine.

Wearing a helmet helped me avoid an nasty injury

your a big bloke arn't you...... 😀

If you went a bit faster you could beat the guy who finished in front, that's where I've been going wrong.

Bloke in the chippie behind me at lunchtime.

"Meat pie please, love."

"Is that everything?"

"Yes thanks. Wrapped separately."

Wut?

If you went a bit faster you could beat the guy who finished in front, that's where I've been going wrong.

Isn't that a corruption of a David Coleman gaff? "If that had gone in, it would've been a goal."

Old lady 'Do you sell stamps here?'
Post office worker 'Yes, we do.'

[i]your a big bloke arn't you[/i]

"Spelling and grammar aren't your forte."

"Spelling and grammar aren't your forte."

Which should have been:

Speling and grammer arent you're forte

😆

More a question inviting a statement of the bleedin obvious as a response:

I'm astride my Decathlon Rockrider bike (it was cheap, okay?). I'm wearing (also for reasons of economy) branded Rockrider shorts, gloves, shoes and helmet.

PC Plod: Is this your bike sir?

Brits are great about stating the bleeding obvious about the weather.

Nice day
Bit nippy
It's raining
It's getting dark

Best is when you're told what the weather was doing yesterday.

It's like weather tourettes, you can't help it.

love it when the weather forecaster (the clue should be in the name) tells me it has been p****g down all morning - hey sweetie, I know, now tell me something I don't.

PC Plod: Is this your bike sir?

It's questions like that which get me in trouble. "No, it's my horse."

Wearing a helmet didn't help me avoid a nasty injury, I still broke my foot.

Brits are great about stating the bleeding obvious about the weather.

Nice day
Bit nippy
It's raining
It's getting dark

Best is when you're told what the weather was doing yesterday.

It's like weather tourettes, you can't help it.

Because our weather system is pretty unique, and very changeable.

Aren't all weather systems equally unique?

Ex housemate used to state the obvious all the time, I started thinking I was living a in a Pete vs Life universe.

I come in with a load of groceries "Been shopping then?"
Bacon under the grill, buttering some toast "Bacon sandwich is it?"
Stabbing him in the neck "Killing me then are you?"

So i walk out into the car park, wheeling a bike, dressed in cycling clothes, a rucksack on my back, a cycle helmet,and SPD shoe clips clunking under me,Neighbour says every time you going for a bike ride then.

another neighbour usually says to me,i forgot you cant hear me with those radios in your ears, when she is facing me.

Keep away from that fire it'll burn you

Old lady 'Do you sell stamps here?'
Post office worker 'Yes, we do.'

After going on my arse on an icy road, a woman in a car pulled up and said
"Watch out, the roads are slippy"

After every big crash I've ever had...
As I'm laying in a crumpled bleeding heap, "are you alright?"
Or "that looks painful"

'haven't you got short legs'

Yes i know, so naff off right.

Princes St Edinburgh - asked by a tourist - "Is that the Castle up there?" Whilst pointing at the great big castellated, crenelated, stone walled thing at the top of the cliff flying the biggest effen flag in town.

PC Plod: Is this your bike sir?

Because our weather system is pretty unique, and very changeable.

How hope that was said with Tongue firmly in cheek.

It couldn't be further from changeable if you tried. Its day after day, dreary, dull, damp, dark, grim, bland, drizzle.

During my misspent youth pushing broken Vespa down road

PC plod is this your bike

Me no officer it's a winged chariot

PC plod WHAT??think your funny do you

Me we'll I try hard sometimes 😀

[img] [/img]

Copper "Where you going"
Me "home"
Copper "why"
Me " Because i live there "

I'm a fireman and it always makes me laugh when I'm driving to a job and there are flames pouring out the windows there's always someonestood waving and pointing, thanks pal i would have driven straight past if you hadn't pointed that out!!

Which football manager said when told (something like) "...you have to finish above Man Utd to win the league..." replied with (something like) "...well, you have to finish above [i]everybody[/i] to win the league [insert name of reporter]..."

I've been trying to dig out the quote online but can't find it.

not so much stating the obvious but….

In a cafe with a friend for a hang-over brunch - reading aloud from the menu she says 'Cheese and mushrooms of toast' then looks at me puzzled and asks 'whats in that?'

But my favourite was strap line from a magazine.

Magazine title 'Scottish Woman Magazine'
which used to have the strap line 'The magazine for women in Scotland'

I'm astride my Decathlon Rockrider bike (it was cheap, okay?). I'm wearing (also for reasons of economy) branded Rockrider shorts, gloves, shoes and helmet.

PC Plod: Is this your bike sir?

There was one in Tom Shields' Diary* years ago about a Dundee Council refuse operative who was being interviewed as a witness by Tayside's finest. They asked him what his occupation was.

He looked at his council overalls, and back at the officers.

He looked at his dustcart and back at the officers.

He said "Actually, I'm a neurosurgeon at Ninewells Hospital". And got nicked for wasting police time.

*Glasgow Herald column

In a bar in Amsterdam playing pool, bloke comes up and lifts the black ball and puts it into the pocket, I ask him what the hell he's doing.
He says don't you know who I am.
I reply with no why have you forgotten your name.
The door men rush to throw me out as it turns out he's the manager.

I got absolutely stuck in a groove today, we had an event starting at 1pm, loads of people arrived early and said "Hi, we're here for the event starting at 1pm", from about 11am on, and every single time I said "OK, well, you're a bit early". Every bloody time 🙁

Stood in line at the super market checkout with 3 more people in front of me and the couple behind say it's busy in here !!!!

Some of these has brought a real smile to a dull Friday afternoon.

In a cafe with a friend for a hang-over brunch - reading aloud from the menu she says 'Cheese and mushrooms of toast' then looks at me puzzled and asks 'whats in that?'

Back when I was a povvy student, I worked part time in a bowling alley. They had these staff questionnaires for each department which were supposed to be part of the training but as far as I could see were an exercise in box-ticking so that they could put up charts showing a high percentage of staff getting high scores.

I took a few seriously, but by the time the Diner one rolled around I'd about seen my arse with the whole thing so I went to town on it. "Name four enemies of oil" - "Captain Degreaser, Destroyer of Lard" and so on. One of the questions read "how would you describe a 'Fish In A Bun'(tm) to a prospective customer?" to which I wrote, predictably enough, "it's a bun with a fish in it."

I got a formal warning for that one. Worth every minute.

Brits are great about stating the bleeding obvious about the weather.

Nice day
Bit nippy
It's raining
It's getting dark

Best is when you're told what the weather was doing yesterday.

It's like weather tourettes, you can't help it.

My elderly Great Aunt does that. It's her sole topic of conversation.
"ooh, hark at the weather!"
"gosh, it's raining hard now"
"look how dark it is!"

Yes, we know.

Big clear bag of sardines at work, "caution contains fish".

Walked into Gloucester A&E a few years back on a Saturday afternoon with a dislocated shoulder, still in my full rugby kit (minus scrum-cap I might add). Said to the 'lady' on reception "I think I've dislocated my shoulder" to which her immediate response was "How did you do that?" with no hint of humour or sarcasm at all.

About 25 years ago I worked as the Saturday boy in the "Sock Shop". One day a young lady comes in, stares at the shelves with a confused look on her face for a couple of seconds before coming up to me.

"Excuse me" she says, "Do you sell socks?"

Me - "Errr..."

dunno about everyone else but I wanna see pictures of esselgruntfuttock's legs.

My girlfriends mother reliably informed me that 'price comes at a cost' last night.

My dad always used to say at the football "that would have gone in if the keeper hadn't saved it".

Mr Policeman: "What are these for?"

Pulls a bunch of keys out of my pocket...

Me: "They are for opening doors with."

Last week I was riding at Cathkin Braes one evening after work.

As I arrived in the car I saw another car milling about in the car park, wondered what they were up to but didn't see any obvious shenanigans so ignored them and carried on putting my gear on.

Said car drives over. Window goes down

"We're the police" Plain clothes police officer holds up badge
"Ah okay, I wondered what you were up to" says I.
Without a hint of irony the policeman replies: "Can I ask what you are doing here?"

I'm standing in a cycling jacket, with gloves and a helmet on. I'm holding a bike which has a bright light on it, there is another light on my helmet. They've been sat in their car for five minutes presumably watching me taking the bike of the roof of the car and putting my lights on the bike!

"Er... See this bike, see these lights I'm going to ride it in the trails over there"
"What are there trails here?"
I helpfully shine my helmet light on the massive billboard that says "Cathkin Braes Mountain Bike Trails"
"Oh we didn't know there were bike trails here" say the Police "Is it something you can only do in the dark?"
"No but during the day I'm at work"
The policeman pauses for a second clearly processing this information then comes out with: "So, I take it the track isn't lit"
"No. That's why I have lights"

Strathclyde's Finest

stood in line at the super market checkout with 3 more people in front of me and the couple behind say it's busy in here !!!!

Just say loudly if this place wasnt so bus more people would shop here

Watch their little brains try and work it out (or see how many agree with you )

On my first ever trip to Belgium a few years ago with the wife and outlaws, I was very excited about sampling the huge variety of lovely beers they have. A friend of mine in the UK owned a bar that specialised in beer from Belgium so I already had my favourites and had a healthy respect for the stronger types so determined not to the classic English dick abroad.
So after the polite and expected jaunt around the Christmas market we headed to what the father inlaw and I have scoped out as the bar / pub of choice for the evening.
So in we walk, I go to the bar and stare blankly at the bar keep. I could not get the potentially disastrous phrase of 'Do you have any Belgian beers' out of my head. I started to open my mouth a couple of times but that phrase and no other would come to the fore.
Eventually after what seemed ages of me stood there like a guppy staring blankly at this guy he saved my arse by offering the beer menu, by which point my face was glowing nicely.

Oh, I went to Brazil once as well. I didn't buy any nuts there though, that would have finished me off.

😀 @ richmtb