I have two 14 year old girls, and we went through the mill painfully with one of them at primary school (yrs 5/6) suffering from separation anxiety. She had therapy at the time and thankfully all has worked out - she's now a confident and largely very happy girl. My other girl has always been fine – no suggestion of any issues but has always been a bit quieter and a little shy, although since Covid lockdowns, things got a little worse (she used to play flute in an orchestra, she won't do that now). Earlier this year she started to change in quite subtle ways – losing her voice (metaphorically) in social situations, answering questions constantly with 'I don't mind' or 'I don't know' etc. Towards the end of last school year she had to do a speech in front of the class in English – she managed it but it was hard. However, this summer she has been stressing about having to do the same this year and has started having panic attacks at the thought of having to do it. She hates been the centre of attention and we've had to ask the school not to ask her questions in class as, again, she is having panic attacks. She loves netball but she came home in tears after her first training session last week because the coach gave her some tips for better positioning (our other daughter was there and said she was perfectly nice about it). She is up for a netball award with school which means she has to go up in front of the year in an assembly to collect the (quite significant, school-wide) award – even though this is putting her in the spotlight in a positive way, there is 0% chance she will be able to walk up and collect the award (she doesn't even have to say anything, just walk up, collect the award and smile for a picture). Generally she has been able to control the emotion enough but today, for the first time ever, she really wavered at the thought of going to school as she's in a new class with new people (GCSE year and she chose an option that has put her in a class with people she doesn't know).
I know this is a bit of a long post but there is lots going on. It's classic social anxiety and it has manifested itself very quickly – school is aware, we have tried reaching out to the therapist that helped our other daughter but she has moved and doesn't work in our area anymore (but she's going to ask around and get some recommendations for us). We are trying to get a doctor's appointment to get the ball moving in that area and have found some online resources but I would greatly appreciate any help or advice anyone can give us as it is tearing me apart to see my beautiful little girl slowly contract into herself and I am worried where this may take her in the coming years.
Thank you 🙁
Just pm'd you OP.
Sounds like you're already on the right track in looking for a therapist. My 16 year old was in a similar situation and saw a therapist for around 6 months and it really helped. The lockdown years caused a lot of damage and I can really see how it's affected both my kids. It's probably not much help for your daughter as she's 14 but the thing that really helped boost the confidence of my daughter was getting a saturday job waiting tables in a pub and then working behind the bar. The need to interact with work colleagues and customers taught her some of the social skills which she was missing and she's a different person now.
My youngest was in a very similar situation, Covid wiped out her GCSE years and she left with the bare minimum. She did college for a year, which didn't really help and didn't lead to any employment, and then managed to secure an apprenticeship in child care. She has to talk to parents on handover and tell them how their little cherubs have been, as well as talking with her colleagues. She's 18 now and has made some great advances; she's still socially awkward (won't take driving lessons yet as she'd 'have to sit in a car and talk to a stranger'), but tbh that's most young people these days, and I think was even when I was that age.
As she matures your daughter will slowly gain confidence and learn social skills, but it sounds like professional help from a therapist is a good idea too.
As she matures your daughter will slowly gain confidence and learn social skills, but it sounds like professional help from a therapist is a good idea too.
Yes, I am sure she will but obviously, we want her to be happy now and to enjoy her GCSE years. Weirdly she has voluntarily put her name down on the Spanish Exchange Programme which would mean her going to Spain and living with a new family for a week in November! I hope she gets a place and I hope she will go as I do believe it would do her the world of good.
Most definitely, that'll help her confidence no end. It's an interesting (read positive) view of her mindset that she feels confident enough to put her name on the list (my daughter would have run and hidden). Fingers crossed she gets a place.
It’s an interesting (read positive) view of her mindset that she feels confident enough to put her name on the list (my daughter would have run and hidden).
She did put her name down before the summer break when things were better than they are now, but yes it is good. It helps that her best friend also wants to go but on the proviso that our daughter goes too – so they are supporting each other on that one.
Your post could word for word been written by me right down to the award except my daughter had her crisis at 18, 6 months before her A levels. They did not happen despite predictions of 3 A* (which may well have been a contributor). Suffice to say it has been a journey for all of us since then and is far from over.
This is an epidemic hitting our young people which is not being properly reported on and will only get worse.
I have everything and nothing to say that will help, certainly not in a post on here but please DM me if you would like to chat.
My daughter now has a good private therapist but the NHS will not get you anywhere within 2 years, if that.
Her school was exceptionally supportive so definitely make contact with the pastoral leader and head of year sooner than later as it may well mean she has to stay down a year etc.
I don't want to be alarmist but in my experience and reading your post which was EXACTLY what happened with mine, this probably won't go away and may well get worse - sorry to say.
Yeah if any are available try to get her on school trips, holidays etc. My youngest is 16 now and she's been on a ski trip, a geography field study trip to Iceland and most recently a two week trip to Ecuador to study humpback whales (yeah she's been ridiculously lucky!). Each time she came back a little more confident and sociable.
