[Closed] Tantrums - how to deal with?

Stop going round.

In relation to our toddler, I just lay on the floor flailing next to them. Novelty seems to wear off quickly.

In the context of the OP, stand up, walk out, go home. She'll soon get the message.

No pudding.

Get her on the ballot for the next election?

But practically stop what is causing it ie going there

fDon’t give in.

I promised my wife that if anyone ever verbally attacked her or bullied her, no matter who they were, I would defend her

Treat them exactly like the child they are acting like in my book.

64 yo having a tantrum?

**** that.

stop going round.

if she asks, tell her why, be blunt, you’re dealing with someone who’s extremely selfish and doesn’t consider the feelings of others to be important.

if your partner constantly gives in to her then she has no reason to change.

I know that’s easy for me to say, but I’ve done it and it worked*

*she made the FIL attack me with a claw hammer, resulting in a few nights in hospital.

but, they never spoke to me again, so I count that as a win.

Well, you have two options I'd say.

1/ Blank her. But that's not going to work because your fiancée is bring home the shit and laying it at your doorstep.

2/ Try to find out why she has these outbursts. It's not normal behaviour for a healthy and happy 64 year old so there are obviously underlying issues; depression, addictions, grief, loneliness. She probably needs help but getting her to help or getting help to her is a whole new issue...

<span style="text-decoration: underline;">*she made the FIL attack me with a claw hammer, resulting in a few nights in hospital.</span>

😲

Reported to the police? That’s despicable.

Yep, as soon as the tamturms start walk away. If she wants her daughters company the she'll have to alter her behaviour.

One thing though make it your wife to be decision and action otherwise you will be blamed for any friction between them in future arguments (from both).

How is her health? Behaviour like this can sometimes be a sign of health issues.

I know that’s easy for me to say, but I’ve done it and it worked*

*she made the FIL attack me with a claw hammer, resulting in a few nights in hospital.

This doesn't sound exactly like a success. But YMMV etc. 🙂

In relation to the OP, you need to set down a marker otherwise your marriage will be like this forever. Sounds like she only does it when your wife-to-be is visiting alone, so maybe make sure she has backup for the foreseeable and politely but firmly tell MIL when her behaviour is toddler-like.

Hmmm I see some people are blaming some sort of health issue - has she always been like this? In my experience some parent can just be plain nasty, for some reason more often mums with daughters - can be a lot of guilt and passive agressive behaviour.

Seen a few in offices over the years. One flew off the handle, swearing and all sorts right in the face of another guy who just looked shocked. Was all one sided with the other guy just letting him vent. To be fair turned out to be stress related and possibly health (other than mental) related. HR took sympathy.

@martinhutch, it wasn’t me who went to the hospital.

yeah, it was reported to the police, i got done for BOTP and assault.

overall, not my finest hour, but I still class it as a success, because I didn’t have to speak to them again.

i would urge anyone enduring this type of controlling behaviour to nip it in the bud, and get TF out of the situation pronto.

Ditchboth of them.

You'll never come between her and her mum so you're on a hiding to nothing either way.

Shit in her birdbath.

You need to read this.........

"Difficult mothers" by Terri Apter.

All the answers u will ever need contained within.

Yeah, just go no contact. I'm just getting to that point with a family member (similar age, as it happens). I've put up with very minimal contact for decades for the sake of family harmony but no more. Just waiting for some stuff to get sorted before I can finally give them the heave-ho. Being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel makes the current situation a bit more bearable.

Already 20 posts and no mention of a new patio? I'm shocked.

In seriousness though, broach the subject tactfully at a later date - couched in terms of "is everything OK, we are are worried about you".

If she doesn't respond to genuine concern and it's an ongoing issue... off to Jewson.

Alzheimers?

“is everything OK, we are are worried about you”

This. Almost always when our eldest has a tantrum or is grumpy AF it's a symptom of something else. In this case has she always been like this or is it a recent thing? If it's the latter then I'd be worried. It's also not as simple as not going round either because that's asking your OH to stop seeing an elderly parent, not trivial whatever their relationship is like.

If it’s not a health issue and she’s just a nasty bastard I would suggest that you relieve your bladder in her favourite footwear. Failing that you should tell her and the future wife that you’ve arranged a spa day for them. They’ll love this and it’ll give them time to bond. That’s until they realise you’ve actually booked them to go on Jeremy Kyle.

 These tantrums then result in my wife to be coming home crying with the ultimate result that the mother in law then gets her own way.

This will continue until either:

1. Your wife stops allowing it to happen

2. The mother in law dies

It is illegal to actively pursue No. 2.

Copy whatever noise they're making and make it back to them at the same time but in a more mocking fashion.

Video them having a strop so you can watch it later with your partner laughing.

Be careful as the 2nd one can escalate things.

My wife and MiL had a very difficult time for years, then there was a big fall out where frank views were exchanged. They rebuilt from there and have got on well for several years. MiL stays with us for weeks at a time to help with kids and all ok.

So there is hope but it took a lot of work and change on all sides.

These tantrums then result in my wife to be coming home crying with the ultimate result that the mother in law then gets her own way.

'Gets her own way'.

This needs some clarification, IE, her own way in/for  what?

Also, how long has this gone on for? If It's a more recent thing, then what Drac said. If It's gone on for years then It'd be a walk out every time for me, mother or not.

My mother in law uses tears to control situations, I've tried the gentle approach and the not so gentle approach. Conclusion, shes toxic and too old to change so you both need to keep her at arms length and never allow yourselves to be dragged in...

I presume she learnt this behaviour as a child? Life has certainly been easier now that me and my wife have stopped reacting.

All women become like their mothers - Oscar Wilde was right

My MIL uses tears. Can switch on a full sob in seconds, and switch it off ASAP.  Controlling behaviour.  If not careful, you'll have a tantrum throwing person needing care in 10 years.  Nip it now.

MIL knows very well I broke my back. Pick up the settee for me, I might have dropped something under it (might being the operative word, more like its in the shoot pile of stuff next to your chair). Said 'no chance', she went on about SIL not lifting it and I said shes got a bad back too, and mine us worse than hers so no way.  There is fark all under it. Its a way of bossing us.  The two elder sisters are approaching 60 and they have had to remind her.  She is too heavy to even push safely in a wheelchair.

You have to tough it sometimes. We tend to ignore the tears now, so false.

Shit in her birdbath

Shit in her bath.

When my sister was young and used to throw tantrums, my gran used to sit her in a warm bath and pour cold water over her head.

Got to be worth a try.

just putting it out there that if you find a hitman that does 241 and specializes in MIL id be interested in going halves 🙂

..... 64 minutes on the naughty step should sort her out..... HTH

Does she live in a house or bungalow? If it’s a house simply push her down the stairs. If it’s a bungalow you’ll have to come up with a plan that involves building an extension that has stairs. Then, that’s right, push her down them.