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My 2 year old is turning into a horror. His tantrum's consist of throwing himself around in an effort to hurt himself, throwing toys (usually large cars/trucks) or the old flailing arms, smacking in the face malarky.
The wife thinks the best way to deal with it is to talk to him quietly and calmly, this is good coz he calms down quick however the tantrums are getting worse. After almost having a tooth almost knocked out by a flying bin lorry, I've had enough.
I reckon he needs to have his toys taken off him and be made to sit on his own, if he balls and wails then so be it, what do the fellow formista's think?
Withhold his pudding.
be made to sit on his own, if he balls and wails then so be it
Just had the mother of all tantrums from 4 yo little miss nine.. battle of wills with her shouting and screaming until eventually she broke and calmed down
Still getting them at 8 years old. Suspect they'll merge with teenage angst at some point.
Video it and then make him watch it....and then show it again at his wedding 😉
Give him a slap.
Give seosamh77 a slap 🙂
You will feel a lot better and it may make your child laugh.
Praise good behaviour, ignore the tantrums.
Time out step / mat* worked for us. Every time you shout, scream, or get off, the clock resets. No contact for the period it takes to run the clock down, other than to put them back on the mat, which is ideally done without verbal or eye contact, just take a hand and motion them there.
After time's up (one minute per year of age) then short praise for calming down and continue as if time had stood still through the whole episode.
* we had a little square of green felt to sit on. At home we put it on the bottom of the stairs but also meant we could carry it with us for use at the supermarket, other houses, etc. You do feel slightly conspicuous but most parents have seen it anyway, and if i see a parent doing similar now I have a lot more respect than the ones who buy them sweets to make them shut up.
Naughty step/corner
Now my 3.5yr takes herself there when she doesn't get her own way
Yup naughty step works for us. Little ones having a tantrum are so funny but if you laugh it upsets them more, but a 2ft demon crossing their arms and saying 'I'm cross' is pretty funny, I have to turn away or leave the room to have a good silent giggle with the wife. I can imagine having toys thrown at you is not though.
Ignore it, be consistent and praise the good behaviour.
take the toys aways, dont give in, stay consistent, maybe try a reward chart type thing?
You basically have to use the carrot and the stick... figuratively speaking.
The situation is a bit reversed with us, I'm the calmer, patient one where my missus is quicker to get shouty and short tempered, which tends to escalate the tantrum. They do know that if Daddy shouts they've gone too far, because it's quite rare...
The whole calm, measured tone, simple clear communication thing does work but can take a little while, and often feels like it's not working. If you threaten any sanctions they need to be "Proportionate" and followed through (i.e. toy confiscation, access to TV taken away), naughty steps/seats can work, Don't threaten something you're not going to do and then not follow through...
Good behaviour gets praise (people often seem to miss this one) positive reinforcement, when they do what you ask, they get a "Good Boy" or "Thank you" if He has a good day, let him know at bedtime that Daddy is really happy and proud of him for being good today...
Might Sound a bit obvious/stupid, but it does seem to work.
Basically he needs to join the dots for himself (which can take a little while) throwing/hitting/shouting leads to loss of privileges, praise and approval, good behaviour nets him all the good stuff...
It's not called the "Terrible Twos" for nothing, Three ain't much better either. Good luck...
Naughty step, alone, until calm, then a quiet, explanatory talk.
For us, what stopped violent behaviour towards our person was acting really physically hurt. Helped to get the message across about WHY violence is bad.
Rage is tricky though. Focus on getting them.to understand. For example, don't just lay down a rule and then break out the discipline; instead give him a good reason why you don't want him to do it. Assuming you have one, that is! This works in our house, my not work in yours. But remember that simply being stopped from doing what you want to do for no apparent reason would probably incense you, so it'll do the same to him.
I see a lot of parents taking toys away or disciplining when the kid is way too young to understand what is happening. So the kid lives in fear of his loved parent suddenly flipping out, being cross and taking stuff away. It's enough to make anyone fearful, angry and possessive.
This is how I'd do it... but if I've learnt anything over the last half a dozen or so years, it is that everyone has their own methods when it comes to their kids.... anyway
He needs to be shown you are the boss.
Have never hit my kids but do use my physicality.... Pick him up quick and move him to the "thinking step" sharply before he knows what has happened.... The idea is to give him a bit of a shock to let him know he has over stepped the mark ... because that’s what the tantrum is about right? He's pushing the boundaries... this is you "pushing back".
Once on the "thinking step" explain sternly why he is there and then leave him for a short while... if he's crying, so be it... a minute or two later go back to him and ask why he knows he was told off? Explain again if you have to in a softer tone but make sure he apologies to all concerned... kiss/hug and make up.
Mrs Nine has to be on board with this mind.... she can't stop or berate you half way through... or he'll get a mixed message.
At two we just put our boy behind a stair gate barrier we had across the hallway, just let it take its course. Once a meltdown had started there was nothing to be done other than to weather out the storm! A tiny bit easier to reason with now he's three.
This may sound a bit twee but focus on the positive and ignore the negative behavior. Kids thrive on attention at that age and will get it any way they can. Can be exhausting though, you have my sympathy. We used the naughty step as a last resort. Do not let them see that you've lost your temper under any circumstances otherwise they have you and they know it, even at 2! We called ours the time out stair!
We just laughed at our 2 when they had their tantrums, probably never helped just wound them up more. I never let it get to me.
If left long enough you get this with them
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Seosamh77's advise seems good and easy, all the rest seems a bit complicated.
Would you recommend a slap or full blooded punch? Maybe a cane or cat o' nine tails?
😆then a quiet, explanatory talk.
Give him a smack.
Give him his own forum member name on here and let him vent his anger on us innocents here.
Theotherjonv - Praise good behaviour, ignore the tantrums.
Time out step / mat* worked for us. Every time you shout, scream, or get off, the clock resets. No contact for the period it takes to run the clock down, other than to put them back on the mat, which is ideally done without verbal or eye contact, just take a hand and motion them there.
After time's up (one minute per year of age) then short praise for calming down and continue as if time had stood still through the whole episode.
* we had a little square of green felt to sit on. At home we put it on the bottom of the stairs but also meant we could carry it with us for use at the supermarket, other houses, etc. You do feel slightly conspicuous but most parents have seen it anyway, and if i see a parent doing similar now I have a lot more respect than the ones who buy them sweets to make them shut up.
Ro5ey - Have never hit my kids but do use my physicality.... Pick him up quick and move him to the "thinking step" sharply before he knows what has happened.... The idea is to give him a bit of a shock to let him know he has over stepped the mark ... because that’s what the tantrum is about right? He's pushing the boundaries... this is you "pushing back".
Once on the "thinking step" explain sternly why he is there and then leave him for a short while... if he's crying, so be it... a minute or two later go back to him and ask why he knows he was told off? Explain again if you have to in a softer tone but make sure he apologies to all concerned... kiss/hug and make up.
Seriously tho, I like these 2, thanks. Have had a chat with Mrs Red and we're getting mats for home and nursery, ANY bad behaviour means he's immediately doing time out on mat on his own after having explained what he's done and why he's being punished, stays there til he's calmed down.
Very bad behaviour means time out til calm and then an extra 2 minutes. Like the idea of the reset too. After this is done, then he apologises and we move on.
He gets a lot of positive praise tbf, for calming down, making good decisions when stropping, gets told he's a good boy who needs to behave like a good boy.
Sounds like she was right, as per bloody usual. 🙂
I'd say give him a chance to correct himself before using sanctions...
I've been told that toddlers lack the brain function to regulate emotions effectively, so they will go into a spiral of emotion about *anything*.
Just ignore it as long as they aren't hurting themselves. Don;t even make eye contact. Once the emotions have subsided (can take a while), reengage. Research has apparently shown that the cause of the tantrum is of pretty much zero importance to them once the tantrum is over. As the pre-frontal cortex develops, they will be able to deal with it. Most importantly, don't take it personally or reward the behaviour.
Interestingly, when they hit puberty, that part of the brain will once again struggle with regulating emotions, hence the whole moody teenager thing.
It's easier to deal with it once you understand it's mostly chemical.
Spare the rod and spoil the child !
Take him fishing 😀
misterduncan has it really, 2 year old's can have full on emotions because they're literally just trying them on for size for the first time. That's why it's either laughs all rounds or the screaming fits, they lack the control for subtlety, the gain is turned all the way up to 11.
as long as you realise that, then dealing with them becomes easier. You have to remain calm and rational.
I'm not convinced that the time-out/naughty step is the best approach to discipline. Give this a read:
http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/timeouts
Our daughter is 2 1/4 and we've never done the naughty step thing even though most of our friends do with theirs. Works for us, works for her. Give it a try. The hardest thing is having the confidence to be consistent and not have to look strict in front of judgmental others...
I do think time-outs work very well with adults (especially oneself) but we don't have toddler brains!
13th trimester abortion?
Especially at that age they have very short attention spans - I often found making a joke, doing something silly, asking her to help with something, stuff like that often worked. Snapped her out of it, she forgot that she was meant to be angry about something.
Still works now, though she sometimes says "I'm still angry though" 😉
Acting in pain when she hits was also good - at that age, they think they're the only person in the world, getting them to understand that other people are humans with thoughts and feelings too makes a difference.
Send him to the coal mines!
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steady on there fella! lay off the medieval stuff. Taking things a bit far there!! 😆thered - Member
Seosamh77's advise seems good and easy, all the rest seems a bit complicated.Would you recommend a slap or full blooded punch? Maybe a cane or cat o' nine tails?
Talk to me about tantrums
No! I dun wanna!
I read the article linked by chiefgrooveguru, was interesting. However, i (and my wife, who's an early years teacher) have a problem not with the advice per se but the article. She sees it quite a lot particularly with 'blogger' type websites. Simply put, rubbishing other techniques in a threatening type way - it creates 'followers' who keep going back because one piece of advice worked and become blind to the mix and match approach. The fact is no two children are alike and you need to mix and match, trial and error several techniques. Articles don't generally reflect that, and this one is such an example. Quotes are lifted from that article.
"Timeouts make kids see themselves as bad people" "Timeouts work through fear, as a symbolic abandonment."
It might in the case where a kid gets no attention anyway, but that's a deeper issue. In a normal loving environment where the child gets lots of praise and attention for good behaviour then when they behave badly, the attention goes away. We used the timeout mat for tantrums specifically, to give time out so she could calm down and return to normal. Gives both sides thinking time. Did i think she was using it to "sit around fantasizing revenge". Evidence suggests not, more likely thinking about 'well, that didn't work, do something different next time i want something'.
I have a particular issue with "see themseleves as bad people". Kids aren't bad, naughty, evil, certainly not at 2 or 3. Their BEHAVIOUR can be, the aim of whatever technique you use is to make them see that their behaviour is wrong, and to replace it with better behaviour that brings rewards. There is a subtle but massive difference.
"Timeouts don't help kids learn emotional regulation" They did for ours, it helped them to recognise that a deep breath and count to ten is all they need to do to avoid getting to a timeout. At 2 or 3 they are testing every boundary, let them know where the redlines are and they soon give up.
I don't know ultimately if timeouts are the tool minithered needs, i don't know him. I just want thered and his wife to know they can try lots of different things and don't buy into thinking that because 'Gina Ford' worked for one aspect you have to become a devotee of all she says.
theotherjonv, he talk sense ^^^
I thought the time out article above read like a paper looking for an idea then for a "theory " to back up the idea.
In answer to the OP "good luck" "it's just a phase". For us a mix has worked in so far as anything works. At that age for most spontaneous transgressions I would tell him what he had done wrong abd hold crankbrat for a count of his age in months then explain again what he had done and get him go say it himself then tell him I loved him and have a kiss . Then move on .
Now he is nearly 4 we have reward chart with stickers building towards treats and timeouts and loss of bed time stories and confiscation of favourite toy . Normally with a countdown before sanction is imposed.
For full on tantrums ignoring even separating allows time for both to calm down or distraction , followed by a talk is best . It is counter productive to try and reason or negotiate with a hysterical child.
I have a particular issue with "see themseleves as bad people"
Our youngest does just that. When she's being sassy, she knows she is - but she can't help it. She basically beats herself up about it, which is rather sad to see 🙁 She is learning to deal with it better now at 3, as are we.
"Timeouts make kids see themselves as bad people" "Timeouts work through fear, as a symbolic abandonment."
I don't think that's true at all. Rather, with my eldest (now nearly 4) we found it had two benefits: first, she learnt what was unacceptable behaviour (and we were lavish with our praise for good behaviour), and second - most importantly - it gave me a chance to calm down and keep my temper.
I do think that with a full-meltdown tantrum, there is no strategy that will get through to a two-year old, so some breathing space between child and parent is probably best, unless you're exceptionally calm and patient.