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The cat.
A recent copy of the daily mail.
The cat.
Don't be ridiculous.
You need to save the cat for applying medicated emollient cream afterwards
Two cats would solve this problem.
3 seashells of course
A recent copy of the daily mail
But that would mean buying it in the first place 😫
Jetwash ftw.
Donald Trump's hair.
3 seashells of course
I don't now how to use the 3 seashells
I assume members of the aristocracy (or close friends of the Queen) will be able to take advantage of any available swans' necks.
The Romans used to share pieces of sponge stuck to the end of a stick.
A recent copy of the daily mail
But that would mean buying it in the first place
And make yer ass more soiled than it already was prior to wiping
“But, to conclude, I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arsewisps,
bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, there is
none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed,
if you hold her head betwixt your legs. And believe me therein upon mine
honour, for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful
pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down and of the
temporate heat of the goose, which is easily communicated to the bum-gut
and the rest of the inwards, in so far as to come even to the regions of
the heart and brains.
(François Rabelais - Gargantua and Pantagruel)
The cleaners at work were foolish enough to leave the supply closet unlocked. I have a truckload stashed away for the coming apocalypse.
I don’t now how to use the 3 seashells
He doesn't know how to use the seashells...<s****s>
I'm thinking of getting one of these ready for the toilet paper apocalypse 😂
A copy of Highlander 2: 'The Quickening'
- the one where they all turned out to be aliens., awful!
A copy of the 2019 Tory Party Manifesto.
I find it bizarre that coronavirus destroys toilet paper, then people with dirty bottoms die of shame.
Squirt of MucOff then rinse down with the portable pressure washer.
Would you clean your plates and washing up by wiping them with dry tissue paper or would you wash them with water and soap? Well there you go.
bigjim
Subscriber
Would you clean your plates and washing up by wiping them with dry tissue paper or would you wash them with water and soap? Well there you go.
Having been the subject of jest for being a westerner buying bogroll in deepest darkest Saudi, I'd tend to agree logically, but wiping is what I'm used to.
Would you clean your plates and washing up by wiping them with dry tissue paper or would you wash them with water and soap? Well there you go.
Put my arse in the dishwasher?
Should I use extra rinse aid?
I plan on using the faces of panic-buyers.
Singletrack.
Soft, strong and thoroughly absorbent.
In the post-apocalypse (oxymoronic if anyone survives to experience it but...) the remains of civilisation will abandon money in favour of bogroll.
At last the brown-nosers in the office prove their worth...
Singletrack.
Soft, strong and thoroughly absorbent.
There's a magazine?
Having been the subject of jest for being a westerner buying bogroll in deepest darkest Saudi, I’d tend to agree logically, but wiping is what I’m used to.
Having worked there myself, I agree. Not my normal method but at least I know bum fodder isn't an essential commodity.
Singletrack.
Soft, strong and thoroughly absorbent.
My first image was of you scooting your backside along the trails like a dog before I remembered the magazine!
Although, given the recent weather I'd imagine the natural singletrack would leave you worse off than when you started.
I bet all those people with 70's avacado coloured bidets are feeling pretty smug right now.
The cat sounds like a good option- on the plus side it is self cleaning, on the downside you might get a nasty reaction.....
The trick is not to wipe your bum on the cat. Wait til it’s licking it’s own bum then slowly creep up on it. It’ll just think it’s taking a little longer than usual. And they won’t remember eating that sweetcorn
mind you I don’t remember eating that sweetcorn either.
The trick is to sneak up on maccruiskeen whilst he's distracted with his cat.
He won't remember eating that sweetcorn.
Squirrel, just about the right size with a built-in handle. The only downside is it may go for the nuts.
Following on from Dazes, Rabelais was certainly prescient about Lombardy:
Then with mercury, with parsley, with nettles, with comfrey, but that gave me the bloody flux of Lombardy, which I healed by wiping me with my baguette. Then I wiped my tail in the sheets, in the coverlet, in the curtains, with a cushion, with arras hangings, with a green carpet, with a table-cloth, with a napkin, with a handkerchief, with a combing-cloth; in all which I found more pleasure than do the mangy dogs when you rub them. Yea, but, said Grangousier, which torchecul did you find to be the best? I was coming to it, said Gargantua, and by-and-by shall you hear the tu autem, and know the whole mystery and knot of the matter. I wiped myself with hay, with straw, with thatch-rushes, with flax, with wool, with paper, but,
Who his foul tail with paper wipes,
Shall at his ballocks leave some chips.
My personal favourite is the page's cap, feathered in the Swiss fashion. Anyway, we've got some good suggestions there from a man who was sacked as a priest and ex-communicated for sharing his genius.
I've now got a very disturbing "human centipede" image in my head involving perchy, maccruiskeen and his cat.
I don't remember eating that sweetcorn....
Michael Gove's face.
A copy of fly fishing by JR Hartley, if you can find one.
Come on STW, I thought you'd be more creative than this.
I don’t remember eating that sweetcorn….
Just be glad you're not behind the cat.
I knew that drawer full of t-shirts my kid has grown out of would come in handy one day.
Conti vert pros
Turdo Trainer?
I've just spent a couple of weeks in Costa Rica where they don't let you flush paper down the bog. One of the places we stayed had a Hyundai Bog seat. I ignored it for a day or two until Mrs BigJohn persuaded me to have a go. Bloody hell! I'm amazed - they're brilliant. Two comfortable minutes later you're squeaky clean and dry.
I said "We're definitely getting one for the next house", "No" she said "We're getting two".
