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I'm struggling here. I've been through the awful bit, come out the other side and it is business like and (mostly) amicable. The split was nearly two years ago now. There are two young children who's care is divided approximately 60/40 (would be equal, but I have to work nights which robs me of a day a week sleeping), a house (circa 60k equity) that was originally mine that is lived in by her now (I'm renting) and a few grand (circa 20k) that has been inherited relatively recently by her. We have decided in principal how to divide the assets, including agreeing that neither of us want anything to do with each other’s pensions and that the current custody is okay with us, as its okay for the kids. We have agreed a maintenance amount of £200pcm, loosely based on the .Gov maintenance calculator. It seems somewhat unfairly weighted against me given our individual circumstances but I’m letting it go. She has put forgoing the maintenance for a larger share of the assets on the table, but I am very wary of this as I can't see how this could be enforceable, and I could be stung, (probably legally, definitely morally) with providing maintenance in the future anyway should she fall on hard times (which is unlikely, but possible).
Although we have had some blazing fallouts, we are currently able to sit in a room together to discuss important stuff in a reasonable fashion, and come to agreements. In which case, would mediation would be a breeze, to the point of pointlessness? I have no idea, just my preconceptions.
Ideally we'd both like a financial clean break divorce, but this isn't going to be possible with the kids, I don't think. I don't know what my next step is. I'm loathe to instruct a solicitor; they only seem to eat up money, and find extra issues that cost more money and cause more arguments. There is not very much money about.
I basically have no idea how to move forward from here, and neither does she. I am very wary of actions that could cause this present delicate truce to descend into hostility; the current arrangements are working well, but could be easily scuppered.
Does anyone have experience or advice from a similar situation? Where do I go next? How do I avoid completely skinting myself? (I’m not far off now).
Like I said above, the current arrangements are okay, but I’m in limbo. We both need to move forward with this and I have zero experience of this stuff; I’m out of my depth and I have a habit of burying my head in the sand when it gets too uncomfortable.
STW; please help me 😐
Wickes.co.uk
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Edit, in all seriousness, sorry to hear your news and I hope you are holding up well.
I presume that when you are discussing maintenance you are discussing child maintenance rather than spousal maintenance? If so thrn yes, I would be very cautious about increasing the assets on that basis, as you don't know what your position might be in a couple of years (eg she could go to CMEC asking for more, equally you could get made redundant and be unable to pay (ie. CMEC would assess you at nil maintenance)
Thank you Ninfan, I'm emotionally fine, if financially somewhat damaged. Yes, child maintenance, fortunately she earns broadlt similar money to me which makes it simpler.
what he said but mediation is probably the cheapest option
I honestly dont know if you can do clean break ones any more where kids are involved
Can mediation take us all the way through the process? Or do solicitors have to be involved at some point? I have a (probably irrational, but hey) distrust of solictiors since buying the house...
you do the agreement yourself in mediation but it has to be signed off by solicitors then a judge - iirc this is to make sure one of you is not being massively disadvantaged so that a judge will approve it as fair /above board etc.
Its has to be done but its more rubber stamping than involved
Okay. So the mediator produces an agreement document, that goes to a solicitor (solicitors?) who then present it to court to be signed off, Have I got this right? Anyone know (from personal experience rather than google, I've tried that and its about as clear as mud) how to find a GOOD mediator?
all mediators should be the same really as they are impartial I would just go for the cheapest/nearest ....we tries a few as they all kept siding with me 🙄
Its a while but yes you agree have your own solicitor look at it go to a judge and signed off
We have what is known as a complicated divorce which you have to have up here if kids are involved. Do you have a separation agreement in place? That should list most of the financial terms. Don't take a smaller financial lump,its the government,they will not give a toss.
yep another vote for mediation but then you will need it drawn up by a solicitor.
The answer with regards to on going child maintenance is better solved by making it a percentage of income rather than set amount. That way it covers you if you become unemployed and after all you should morally be embracing the contribution for you offspring. If I recall its something like 15% for first child and 5% on top for each extra but you should check this guidance out for yourself.
The contribution towards spousal maintenance is a different matter especially if she has a good income. The onus continues to be that the husband 'supports' the wife until she remarries. Its a naff concept when so many women return to work and the balance is better handled these days but still not equally. Usually you can allocate more of the settlement in her favour to get a complete break. Its almost like giving her the forward money you'd pay over a lifetime and usually by giving her all, or a larger proportion of the home value. I'm pretty sure it can be treated separately from child maintenance.
One thing I would get made official is the custody / access agreement. No matter how well you get on now, things happen, arguments occur, maybe over Xmas or birthdays. Get it written up now and agreed. I had to take my ex to court to do this having been in the same position, she decided she wanted my daughter two years running for xmas which wasn't the informal agreement. It took a court to put the informal agreement into legal agreement and now 5 years later its still in place and more or less working. Just do that. Having access to the kids is the most important thing and way more valuable than the cash.
On that front be aware the financial agreement will be binding for ever but access can be changed and denied at any point-- ie the mother can just go no and you have to go to court and she can still just ignore it and drag it out for years
the divorce rules are pretty sexist so keep it pleasant
Mine wasn't really that complicated ... ie no kids... and we had come to an agreement but having both gone to separate solicitors we felt that each side was trying to make work for themselves.
So we used the same solicitor....
May work for you ?
When we divorced (20 y/o when the kids were 1 and 2) I just went to see a Solicitor and they drew up an agreement, that my OH signed. less than £1k all in.
No real assets, I kept the house (she moved in with the bloke that became her husband) and I agreed to pay for the kids. Basically paid until they came out of education, fixed rate that increased over time but with no guarantee of increasing.
Also no fixed access, just access.
Ro5ey - Member
Mine wasn't really that complicated ... ie no kids... and we had come to an agreement but having both gone to separate solicitors we felt that each side was trying to make work for themselves.So we used the same solicitor....
May work for you ?
We did this, they (the lawyers)didn't like it they make more money being adversarial, but if you're on good terms have worked it all out and still trust each other financially then it's a good solution.
In the middle of this at the moment. Child maintainance....it is calculated on the number of nights they spend with respective parent. If it's nearly 60/40 £200 seems an awful lot. If it was 50/50 there is no maintenance to pay. I would strongly recommend getting the child arraingments agreeed in court. Like I said I am going through this at the moment I have a fair amount of info/experiences that I could share of you want.....email in profile. Just remember it DOES get better.
My divorce came through on 1st October, we'd agreed everything ourselves before I instructed my solicitor. I was given a rough guide of about £2k to get it done.
I pay the going rate for my two kids (I actually over pay) and get to see them at the weekends, staying over one night.
We agreed to sell our house and to use the £15k profit against the £20k debt and I would take on the remaining debt.
All was going well until she decided to get a solicitor, one of those £300 to defend a divorce lawyer. All she did was interfere with the house sale, didn't return phone calls/emails/letters. Stated that her client hasn't agreed to pay the debt and various other crap. The only good thing she did was insist on the Finances being settled by Court Order. So everything we'd agreed upon was written up and given to the courts who rubber stamped it. That document states that neither of us is going after the others money/inheritance etc. My only gripe is it cost me and extra £2.5k in letters/emails/phone calls to her solicitor.
My advice would be:
a) One of you get a solicitor. Get the reason's for the divorce written up, discuss this with the other half as your solicitor's job is to give the judge a good enough reason to separate you. My Ex didn't like what was written about her, which is why she went out and got her own solicitor.
b) Get the court order for the finances drawn up, that should stop anything happening in the future. For example my Father died 22 days after the divorce came through, She's not entitled to anything.
c) The solicitor will include your current parenting arrangements and child support payments. The divorce court doesn't do anything about this, but it does show that you have something in place in case it falls apart later on down the line.
And the best piece of advice, Don't speak to your solicitor unless you have to - It costs a lot of money to chat.
My solicitor did advise me to sell the house before starting the divorce, so that IF my ex got a solicitor they wouldn't have an eye on the £15k and look for ways to generate fees. Not following that advice cost me £2.5k. However, if I'd followed it I'd still be in the middle of a divorce and looking at handing over half my inheritance.