[Closed] Stuck in a rut

Sorry to hear you're feeling down. I guess after a break up and coming back to the UK it's not too much of a surprise.

Is there anything that does get you excited or happy at the moment? How about a holiday?

Was the decision to return from France driven entirely by the break up, could you go back to that plan?

My life is mix of work, reddit, facebook, eat, sleep repeat. I’m building bikes, riding, doing yoga, but none of that seems to get me out of the constant grey

I feel you, although replace building bikes and yoga with a missus and a kid. That's not a brag, just a different kind of rut.

At least, that's how I see it, regardless what happens or how great things get, my personal goals never seem to see fruition and I feel like i'm wasting away as a human being. I too read some motivational stuff, the only one for me that seemed to make any sense was The Subtle art of Not Giving a Fudge (change as necessary) by Mark Mason. but only really in the short term. After a long time of "Rutidness" i'm left a miserable git who finds no joy in anything. Simple things are a chore or not worth doing. Anything new, I manage to talk myself out of within a few minutes.

The only thing I can suggest, and is kinda working for me, is to limit my time on social media, it seems to paint an unattainable expectation in life, I like Reddit, but it does just consume time at a rate of knots. Also, If your job is soulless, try to view it as what it is, a series of tasks you have to do to get the wedge at the end of the month to pay for things you actually like until you figure out what it is you want to do.

And the dating part? God knows, but maybe no interest in it at the moment is the best thing. The desire will come back, and failing that, there are always hookers. 😀

UK in winters enough to drag you down.

What was your work plan abroad?

I feel you, although replace building bikes and yoga with a missus and a kid. That’s not a brag, just a different kind of rut.

At least, that’s how I see it, regardless what happens or how great things get, my personal goals never seem to see fruition and I feel like i’m wasting away as a human being. I too read some motivational stuff, the only one for me that seemed to make any sense was The Subtle art of Not Giving a Fudge (change as necessary) by Mark Mason. but only really in the short term. After a long time of “Rutidness” i’m left a miserable git who finds no joy in anything. Simple things are a chore or not worth doing. Anything new, I manage to talk myself out of within a few minutes.

This and been stuck in a job I don’t like pretty much sums up my life tbh. Can’t even summon the energy to go out on the bike. Very lethargic and fall asleep most weekends. Not fair on Mrs F and the kids either.

Just know you’re not alone OP. Wish I could offer some advice.

You sound like you could still be in mourning for the relationship?   You say you are not interested in dating and in my experience - that seems to be the case where people are not really ready for another relationship.

Whilst I can understand that other people have seemingly worse things to cope with - you have gone through what sounds like a bad time indeed.  So, don’t be too hard on yourself.

I can’t offer any advice, but I can say find something you can still enjoy and do as much of it as you can.

All the best,

Jay

Sounds pretty much like depression, go have a chat with your GP

@riklegge thanks mate, yeah tried a holiday - works been so mental last year that i needed a week in the sun just to recover - again i was just so mediocre about it, its frustrating as normally id be super excited about travelling.

I toyed with the idea of staying in switzerland for a bit but it seemed pointless as the only reason i went to France is she was french and had work over there.

@darthpunk I hear you mate, all the small goals and ideas seem to be just that and never actually come to fruition. Like how the F do people achieve so much, no idea how people manage with kids. Good advice with social media, doesn't make the situation any better so I'll try and avoid that. Will also put a lot of thought into the hookers option 😛

@funkmasterp - thanks dude, hope youre all good man! Yeah weirdly it is good to know i'm not alone in this situation, hope everyone in similar states can find a way out

@jamj1974 - thanks for the kind words jay. Yeah could be mourning it still, it was pretty brutal and i'd put all my eggs in one basket so to speak (lol), it was like my chance to go and start a new life, then coming back so soon after leaving just added to the failure :/

@Houns - thanks for the advice, yeah i should do that

What about social stuff? Outside of work do you do much with other people? I've found riding with mates/ making friends in a club and being social is a good pick me up.

Expectations are the root of all dis-ease. You could try easing up on yourself and who and where and what you feel you Should be.

‘Should’ and ‘ought’ are two very negative words that place expectations upon ourselves or others; try not to use them and you may find you’re a little easier on yourself.

It’s good to hear you acknowledge that it could be worse and there are others not so fortunate, attitude is certainly gratitude, although I can tend towards beating myself up more because I have two working legs, arms, eyes, no major health concerns. Malaise is a bugger eh?!

Which I’m sure, this is what it is for you, all part of the sine wave of life and associated emotions, which of course, make us human. No point flat lining along in life, might as well be an inanimate object. It’s a big ask but try to welcome the downs as we do the ups, because as with all situations and emotions: This too shall pass and maybe you’re not ready to allow it to pass? Hence no matter what motivational reading or activities you engage with, if you’re not ready, you’re not ready. Give it and yourself time, stay curious and your path will open before you.

Enjoy the journey.

Couldn't agree more with slack alice. It can cause you to feel as though you are a failure, worthless etc.(it has caused me to feel like this) especially when you compare yourself to where friends are.

I have really struggled over the past year or so after quitting my job and relocating. Its been a struggle. I keep thinking where I should be in my life and comparing myself to others, it really has not been healthy.

I have really concentrated on a few hobbies, and also used social media to help me feel part of a community. I have blocked all my friends updates, but only see updates from groups I belong to, such as home brewing, sourdough and other fishing groups.

I look for the small wins, like sneaking off for a couple of hours fishing, making sourdough or tying some flies. I even sat today at work and trawled through music until I found a new group I like...I did. Todays win. Bedouin Soundclash. I listened to them on the way home in the van.

What are your hobbies OP apart from biking?

Just remember the people here on STW are always here to listen. It is a really supportive online community.

Should’ and ‘ought’ are two very negative words that place expectations upon ourselves or others

This was a relatively recent discovery of mine and it's amazing the difference it makes.

"I should be in a better job"
"I should be fitter"
"I should ride my bike more"

Replace should with could and do something about it (me, not you). Should is a very unhealthy state of mind.

See Facebook and Reddit...

Sack them both off. I found removing Facebook app particularly useful.

You could do some volunteering?
You interact with lots of folk you wouldn't normally meet.

Take some time out and bugger off for a bit. Get some perspective on things and see where it takes you.

A year or six months. Whatever.

Ride across Europe.
Buy a van and go visit the places you've always wanted to see.
Grab a tent and rucksack and tramp around.

A change of scenery is as good as anything, imo. Helps clear the head and reminds you of what makes you happy and what you want from life.

I, too, feel like I'm just plodding. Working for the sake of working, i.e. to pay the rent and the bills. I'm fortunate that I can stomach my job thanks largely in part to the guys I work with and lots of recreational drug use.

Getting away every few months in the van, even if only for a long weekend, helps a lot. My plan is to jog on for a bit once I know that my status in Europe is safe.

take a day off work midweek - get daytime fresh air. Go to an art gallery like the Tate, poke around the shops and replace the oldest crappest item of clothing you have (one item, take the time to choose something you actually like).
Find a fun film to watch at the cinema. go midweek when it's really empty to break the cycle.

It's worth remembering that this week is traditionally the time when everyone feels dissatisfaction with their situation. Maybe not the best time to make irreversible decisions.

Tinder

Go to a bookshop on your lunch - buy a paperback and instead of social media, read that. Dunno what you like to read but Ian Rankin is a good call as they are engaging and good reading but not too highbrow; or even Dan Brown if you want something really easy to go at.

I think you are being a bit harsh on yourself, you've had a pretty rough experience and you are now adjusting back to your new reality. Sure its not as crap as some people have it, but you've had a slightly traumatic experience and its going to take time to get over that.

My problem is I just cant seem to be happy or have any real lust for life

I think you just need some time. Keep doing the fun things like yoga and biking.

Are you doing anything social? I find I need fresh air, exercise and social contact to feel happy.

What side of London are you on? There is a super friendly group that rides in Epping on a Saturday if you're looking for riding buddies.

Expectations are the root of all dis-ease. You could try easing up on yourself and who and where and what you feel you Should be.

‘Should’ and ‘ought’ are two very negative words that place expectations upon ourselves or others; try not to use them and you may find you’re a little easier on yourself.

It’s good to hear you acknowledge that it could be worse and there are others not so fortunate, attitude is certainly gratitude, although I can tend towards beating myself up more because I have two working legs, arms, eyes, no major health concerns. Malaise is a bugger eh?!

Which I’m sure, this is what it is for you, all part of the sine wave of life and associated emotions, which of course, make us human. No point flat lining along in life, might as well be an inanimate object. It’s a big ask but try to welcome the downs as we do the ups, because as with all situations and emotions: This too shall pass and maybe you’re not ready to allow it to pass? Hence no matter what motivational reading or activities you engage with, if you’re not ready, you’re not ready. Give it and yourself time, stay curious and your path will open before you.

Enjoy the journey.

Really well spoken @slackalice - has given me a lot to ponder, especially the line about not being ready to let go of stuff

Thanks for all the kind responses everyone! I'll take on board what has been said. I have a yoga class tomorrow and planning an Audax in January, still hanging in there

In my experience there's nothing worse than losing a dream. I guess moving out to the alps etc would have seemed pretty good.

I'm 2 years out of a relationship I should've got out of about 10 years ago. For the first year, riding was necessary but hard to get out and do, nothing felt great really.

It's OK do be down about a short term thing that had some really good points. You'll get over it in your own time, if not maybe see if you can find a friend or professional to talk to that might help?

You're in a crappy mood because you've been through a shitty break up that's knocked your confidence and it's the bleak midwinter. Spring will come along, you'll get your summer balls and fall in love with someone new (and obviously better) and you'll look back on this period and wonder what all the fuss was about. Get the beers in!

It would take me at least a year to get over what you've been through, so I think feeling a bit down is par for the course. Still feels crap though.

@fakiee 🙏

OP. Go and get some Vitamin D tablets and an iron supplement! You may have Seasonal Affective Disorder and a dose of Vit D may just make you feel a little better. I make reference to the comment you say about going away for a week in the sun to make you feel better. Hope it works!

You could do some volunteering?

This is a good suggestion for getting out of a rut, because it is likely to push you out of the normal daily comfort zone, and it can provide a different sort of satisfaction from the enjoyment of just doing your own hobbies.

Hey, just checking in to say thanks to everyone for the kind words and advice. Definitely seeing the light, (but will be glad to get through January).

Also dont be afraid to check in with the forum if you have stuff on your mind 🙂

Thanks STW family!

Great to hear that you’re starting to feel better 👍🏼

All the best for the coming year op. Keep us all posted my friend.

I don't know where you are in London but when I go i challenge myself to ride the most scenic route. I lived there years ago and did not know Chiswick riverside, down by strand on the green, place is a time warp.

Also rode across London via Kensington palace gardens and Hyde park.

Always look out for top inde cafes so had a blow out in the greasy spoon at Kew bridge, north side, full of builders.

London's a funny place, sit still and watch the crowds passing. I love people watching, everyone has a story.

Good luck, some good ideas above too