Struggling

Sorry to hear this. It can be a very difficult time of year too, when we're sometimes thrust together with people we'd rather not be. I'd suggest taking to one of the counselling services, or just continue posting here. There's plenty of folk here who can offer helpful suggestions (more so than I!)

Take care of yourself first, please.

I’m sorry that’s an awful situation to be in. I am sure others on here can offer practical support but it appears you have both explored that

I had a mate who had an alcoholic wife. He tried for years. Eventually he left her as there was nothing else he could do. He is now in a good relationship and enjoying life again

No idea what to suggest other than Andy's mans club and the like.  It must be harder now with the expectation of drinking alcohol .

Take care of yourself.

I just wanted to say that I'd seen your post & didn't want to ignore it; I feel for you.

I really don't think that I'm able to give the sort of insight & advice you need (hopefully others will be able to), but did find a page on the Relate website that might provide a starting point - https://www.relate.org.uk/get-help/drinking-too-much . Relate also offer substance abuse courses to their counsellors so it's they might be something to bear in mind if you reach a point where some sort of couples counselling feels like it might be appropriate.

What I do know a bit about is struggling with deep, dark stuff alone and how dangerous and damaging this can be. I'd echo what others have said about the first priority being to look after yourself.

The Samaritans are always there whenever you need to talk to someone and I suspect that they'll also be able to signpost you to more specific help. Do bear them in mind.

Again, do look after yourself and good luck.

don’t want to bring my friends into this and stress them out

Ive got a mate who suffers from depression. At one point he got to a very dark place . I only find out afterwards. I wish he had talked to me at the time, friends will / do want to help friends

This:

Take care of yourself first, please.

I've said this many times now, but if you fall over then you're of no help to anyone else.

I don't want to say "leave" but it sounds to me an awful lot like that's the inevitable conclusion if nothing changes. Ditto your dad, if he's making the situation worse then cut ties.

Don't underestimate friends. If you can tell us then you can tell them.

As others have said - concentrate on yourself.  Look after yourself.  No one else is doing so here.

with regards to your dad - if he is making your life miserable then why do you see him?  I'm guessing the general stress is making the situation with him worse

With regards to your wife its often said that alcoholics need to hit the bottom before they can recover and by supporting her you are merely prolonging things.  That sounds harsh as hell I know but you need to let her fall and hopefully she will pull out of it.  Alcoholism is a dreadful thing.  It killed one friend of mine and badly damaged another

You need support for you.  Counseling etc.  good friends will support you

to echo what cougar said - you cannot keep others warm by setting fire to yourself.

My first wife was an alcoholic. Not quite at the same level, but close. One of the things she'd do was to belittle me in front of her workmates when I was picking her up from the pub after work. I tried a few things - including moving house a couple of times - to see if I could break the cycle. Eventually, I admitted defeat and we separated then divorced. It was a massive break for me and I lost a few joint friends in the process (they couldn't understand what I'd been going through, mostly as I hadn't been able to explain it to them). Looking back, I don't regret it at all. I met another woman, married and "lived happily ever after".

Bluntly - move on. Get your life in order without her and then, perhaps, re-evaluate your realtionship with your father. It might even take a turn for the better once he sees you taking a bit more control over your own life, even if you have to take break from him in the meantime.

And talk to your friends. If you're the sort of person that would offer them support, then why wouldn't they want to reciprocate?

It sounds like an awful situation and to be honest if it was me I'd walk away from it, life is very short and sometimes we have to think of ourselves.

Just to say I hear you, I understand a little. It’s ok to not be ok when things around are out of control.

my boy's mum used to be a substance abuser, not quite full on dependant but close enough to be difficult. I would work and come home to a party going on, pretty much every day.... I only managed to live with her a few months and the arguments were constant, no escaping, nothing i could do. Eventually we split and that difficult time in my life is gone, and with a clear head i can see how it all was and i count myself lucky to be out.

The one thing i learned through it all is that you can only try to help someone so much. Eventually your life just becomes stress and upset trying to do the right thing.

Flip side of this, my best mate went down a path of self destruction. Myself and other mates had talked about it, talked to him. couldn't get anywhere with him. Eventually he slipped up, and set up a situation which could've ended his marriage, he'd have lost his house, and had trouble spending time with his daughter. He came to stay with me, picked up the phone to a counsellor the next opportunity he could. She put him on the right path, made him see the potential root causes of his issues. The issues are still there, but so is his relationship with his wife, his home and his kid. But his actions are now totally under control.

If you have reached the end of what you can do, then you need to take a view on you, and what options that leaves you

Are you sure your dad isn't on the spectrum as well? Sounds a lot like he struggles to understand other points of view.

I'd say you need to split these things up and deal with them individually. First things first, if you get on with your sibling see if they can try to talk sense into your dad, if not then sod it, you don't need someone who is deliberately bringing you down.

As for your wife, it sounds like you've exhausted most options. Unfortunately it sounds like you need to be realistic, she is the only one that can do anything about this and if she isn't then there's not much you can do.

For your own good I think you need to get out and get yourself together. You're no good to anyone if you're falling apart. It's also going to be hard knowing full well what the likely consequences will be but from what you say that's inevitable at this point. You certainly sound like you need help.

Easy to say from the outside looking in but nobody should be expected to put up with that. Best of luck.

I have some doubts about the alcoholics anonymous approach in general but this lot do get a lot of praise

You are far from the only one going thru this

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

She has to quit. The Alan Carr method helped me greatly. Your Dad is being a dick. Give him the swerve for a while. Tell him why. Don’t go back to him until your wife has quit the booze.

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately I don’t have any expertise in this but you are doing the right thing speaking about it. Chin up.

Thanks for the replies.

My sibling died in their 30s due to alcohol so not got anyone else with any experience with this.

As for leaving; it's been on my mind for a while but we own a house together and I can't afford to move out without selling the house first. She's not working at the moment, but when she does, she earns mich more than me so could afford to move out while we try and sell the house. But realistically, she probably won't do that. She's nearly burnt the house down before and I'm worried if I call it all off she will drink even more and destroy the house, leaving both of us with nothing.

I have been talking to Samaritans. No one else knows and I'm almost tempted to tell them in the hope they realise the damage they are doing to people around them.

I also wonder if your Dad is autistic too, from your description of his behaviour. It's not uncommon for it to run in the family. Your Dad likely sees himself in you, but doesn't want to see himself as autistic. Perhaps he thinks to be autistic you must be like Dustin Hoffman's character in the Rain Man. There's some advice on https://autisticnotweird.com/family-doesnt-accept which might be useful.

If your dad is feeding booze to your alcoholic wife, having lost a child to alcohol, I’d never be in the same town, let alone room as him.

So sorry to hear all this. Hope you do manage to find a solution.

The situation with your wife sounds incredibly difficult and challenging.  Your father less so, I'd be inclined just to keep away from him full stop.

Is the following a correct interpretation:

your dad is feeding booze to your alcoholic wife, having lost a child to alcohol,

?

Yes

Speak to your GP, they'll be able to point you to counselling services and decide if you would benefit from medication.  I have found that medication calmed my mind enough for counselling to help me find a way through tough times.

You might have access to counselling through a work or union scheme as well.

I would say though that a friend had a wife with similar alcohol issues. She refused all help and it reached a point that it was destroying him and he had to leave her for his own safety and wellbeing.

Yes

Then I think I agree with Tom.

I'm not an expert here at all but as above I do feel that dad is problematic. However, how much of a problem is unclear because his effects really depend upon the frequency and intensity of your contacts with him.

Does your partner want to reduce and/or give up alcohol consumption or is she content with the situation?

She wants to be able to control it. There are times when she has a couple of glasses of wine and stops. Or we go out to lunch and she doesn't have any alcohol at all.

But as soon as she has more than about half a bottle of wine, there is no stopping her.

I think she needs a proper rehab (non religoius) where she can't leave/access alcohol. We tried a private rehab facility but it followed the 12 step program which is religious. She walked out after 3 days.

Recovering alcoholics have to be tea total for it to work, otherwise it’s far to easy to fall off the wagon.

I feel for you mate, come in for a virtual cuddle.

Cut them both loose iiwy. I know that's hard financially as well as emotionally but maybe it's what your wife needs. Do you want to carry on like this until death? You deserve happiness.

As for your Dad..iiwy wrote him a note saying how you're unhappy with his behaviour then ghost him for at least 4 months or so or just ghost him. Who needs negativity in their life? **** 'em off

Sorry to hear this.

I love her and want to help her but don’t know how.

After all that - you're a good man. I'm only posting a wildcard option here, I saw some episodes of a Netflix docu, The Mind Explained, one of them suggested Psilocybin (thanks spellchecker)- magic mushrooms - was often an almost miraculous cure for alcoholism. Worth watching at least. Not that simple I'm sure, a person would need to be willing to go through the process and I've no idea how anyone would go about finding proper treatment.

My Mum was an alcoholic. Best thing we done was get shot of her.

I think the only option for your partner is total abstinence! I’m not sure I would be around see the outcome though.

Sorry OP you're having a tough time of it.

We live 'with' (she's in an annexe adjoining our house) my mother-in-law who is a 'functioning' alcoholic, so, not quite the same as your situation, but living with the impact of her behaviour does have some parallels.

MiL is a very self-centred and selfish woman, with little actual regard for others, or the impact of her drinking upon them. She's been through 2 marriage breakdowns and lost at least one very close friend due to her behaviour, but lacks any real insight or awareness as to the reasons for those losses. She is also long-term depressed, and for the last 3 years, the drinking is starting to have chronic effects on her physical and mental health, with a number of hospital admissions. Again, no acceptance that the drinking is causing this. Ultimately, she doesn't want to give up, and has only ever made very short-term and half-hearted attempts to address her alcoholism.

After a number of years of trying to cajole, persuade, support her, and hoping for change, we are coming to accept that this is not going to happen. That has brought a little bit of emotional release for us, accepting this is how she is rather than the roller -coaster of hoping for positive change and then experiencing the let-down and disappointment. We are also stepping back from the occasional role we have taken on of trying to 'gate-keep' her access to alcohol and supporting her to 'manage' her drinking, because ultimately she can't/won't limit it, and it just ends up in unpleasant conflict.

Alongside this, we have started to put very clear boundaries in place in order to protect ourselves and our family and minimise the impact on us. We will not allow her to drink when she's in with us having a meal or watching a programme/film with us. If she goes through a period of particular heavy drinking and makes herself so ill she needs to go to hospital, we'll no longer spend 36 hours in A&E with her, or cancel holidays or weekends away (which we've had to do in the past).

Sorry, this has turned into a longer 'about us' type of post than I had intended. I guess, what I am trying to say is that there is only so much patience, support, hope and tolerance you can invest in someone dependant on alcohol. Ultimately, only they can make the changes, and often, they are unable or unwilling to address their alcoholism. There is only so much you can, or should, do, and from your post, it sounds like it is starting to have an unbearable impact on your own life and well-being.

So. Start being clear with yourself what the impact of your wife's drinking is having on you, and whether this is still acceptable/tolerable, or whether it has now tipped over into something that you are no longer able to accept. From your post, it does sound like the latter. Put down some 'lines in the sand' that give you and your wellbeing some protection.

Talk to your GP, Relate, work-based wellbeing programme, friends, random strangers on here etc. Depending where you live, there maybe good substance misuse services that also offer support/counselling to carers/family.

Good luck OP.

Ditch your Dad. He's toxic. 6 months of avoiding him might make him re-think his behaviour towards you. It probably won't though from your description

I used to have a borderline alcoholic partner. It was awful. Her family all had significant issues with booze. Her Mum went to a clinic twice but when she returned home her Dad was still drinking heavily so the temptation was always there. She fell off the wagon very quickly due to her husband's alcohol problems. Why is that relevant? Alcoholics are often extremely selfish and their self-destructive addiction/illness is the beast in their head that they have to feed (think of the Venom film). Everything else is secondary to that addiction.

If you can't get your wife to voluntarily go to the clinic then it's game over. Walk away otherwise you're stuck with it until she dies a nasty death.

If she does go to the clinic then you have to be incredibly supportive and remove all alcohol from all situations that you can have some influence or even control over. It's going to be very demanding on you. Ask yourself are your ready for years of that?

Apologies to be Mr Doom and Gloom but I've half been through it and 23 years after we split up  I'm now happily married with a wonderful wife but I regret the time I lost trying to make it work with someone who was more in love with booze than me. I lost several years in the prime of my life supporting someone who didn't want to change.

I also lost a friend last year to alcoholism. He'd been to a clinic 3 times, lost his wife and kid as they walked away but it still didn't stop him drinking. It was tragic.

As I type this I would like you think of what you want/need to make you happy in the long term.

She wants to be able to control it. There are times when she has a couple of glasses of wine and stops. Or we go out to lunch and she doesn’t have any alcohol at all.

But as soon as she has more than about half a bottle of wine, there is no stopping her.

You must know, and to be honest she must know, that the only answer is to have none at all, and the "want to be able to control it" angle is simply a way of masking/avoiding the admission that there is a fundamental problem.

In terms of your Dad, TBH, if I were in your shoes, I'd be inclined to write him a letter, explaining that when he says/does 'this', it makes you feel 'that'. Give examples. Explain you are no longer prepared to be belittled in those ways, and that you are therefore breaking off all contact with him for a period of time.

It may not change anything?

Sometimes, however, people who bully (which is essentially what your Dad is doing) have never had anyone spell out to them the impact of their behaviour, so it might turn out to be the first step in mending and improving your relationship with your Dad. (Of course, it might not - in which case, if you resume your relationship with him after taking a break, only give it so long, and if things haven't/don't improve, just cut off all but the bare minimum of contact with him.)

Yes

Explain the situation to him, then ditch him

I don’t want to bring my friends into this and stress them out. I’ve no idea what to do.

Please talk to your friends, there is a good chance they already have a clue that things are going badly but don't know how to jump in to help. I've been handling things badly at times and friends have always been there when they were most needed!

That sounds like an awful situation. I have no experience with alcoholism but a bit with this:

It doesn’t help that I’m on the spectrum with a very high IQ but lack the social skills, confidence and spoken vocabulary to support it.

Both myself (to a lesser degree) and family members. I know how hard it can be to express yourself and get across your feelings and exactly what's happening, which is why I find writing (like in a forum!) so much easier than speaking verbally when a) you're on the spot and b) it's more of a social (and therefore awkward/uncomfortable) situation.

As far as help for yourself goes, there are various helplines but I wonder if there are any that offer assistance by chat/email or something instead of over the phone. You may find it easier. Either that or find a therapist of some sort that works for you and build a connection.

I very much disagree with those saying split up. I can see their point, but I personally feel that abandoning somebody you love is not the best way out of this for either of you. From what you say, it sounds like you are still very much together (even if it's hard sometimes) and not that she's essentially already ditched you for alcohol. Also your dad - I would say keep ties, don't burn your bridges, but it sounds like you need a break from him.

What are your chances of moving away? Preferably to somewhere extremely rural like the Highlands or the middle of Mongolia where there's no booze shop around the corner 🙂 Like I said I have no experience but also agree that going completely teetotal is the only way to succeed with this long-term, however hard that might be.

Of course this is all only my 2p and maybe I've got the wrong end of the stick somewhere but I genuinely wish you all the best in sorting it out.

A ray of light (eventually, bear with me).

My Dad was a full-time alcoholic for a decade after he got let go from work, and a functional one for probably my whole life. He used to hit me, terrify his wife, all sorts of horrible stuff.

After various rehab efforts and countless broken promises, he made a really good fist of Alcoholics Anonymous and has (to my knowledge at least), been teatotal for maybe two years now. I'm very proud of him. He's still an arse though 😉 .

First of all, you're not alone in going through this. Many people will have a similar issues with partners with alcohol abuse and all the turbulence that goes with it. I can relate to your first reaction to try and help your partner, but it is a thankless task. Given your situation with no children, I think I'd be sitting down for a talk, laying down some boundaries that if crossed would mean you wouldn't be able to continue in the relationship. I know it's hard, and feels like you've failed your partner but you haven't, you are not responsible for their choices. I emphasize that you should make this choice now, do not leave it until you have children if that's where your relationship is heading, it will only get much much worse if that happens. I wish I knew the answer.

To add to this as a sidenote - I hate how much alcohol is pushed on us as the norm, the TV adverts, programs with people getting  'fun' drunk etc. It all makes me sick having seen the ruin it causes.

I wish you well in whatever direction you take, none are easy paths. DM me if you want to talk more.

Alcoholism isn’t something, as an alcoholic, that you can “control” your physiological and psychological makeup make it impossible to control how much you drink.  It’s basically binary in that it’s usually all or none.

I spent 15y trying to first control, then fix my dad.  Nothing worked.  He didn’t really want to quit.  He knew it was a problem, but when drunk, knew little about how much of a problem it was and, in his mind, it was someone else’s problem.

AA was the closest we got to making it stick, but as with learning, it really depends on the group you’re with and how close you are in your symptoms/problems.

My only advice if you want to persist in fixing this is to get your wife into AA, but be VERY choosy in which sessions/groups you go to.  You have to want to go and you have to relate to the others in the group.  If you don’t have both, you won’t help yourself or others.  That latter part is quite important and often lost - the group sobriety really, really helps maintain yours.

Oh, and tell your dad, flat out that he’s being a dick.  Show him this thread.

Alcoholism isn’t something, as an alcoholic, that you can “control” your physiological and psychological makeup make it impossible to control how much you drink. It’s basically binary in that it’s usually all or none.

usually but not always.  I know an alcoholic that is controlled on 3 beers a day.  No more and no less.  He very nearly totally ruined his life but has control now.  I suspect he will relapse again and his partner has a huge role in keeping this boundary of just 3 beers a day but he has been stable like this for several years now

Preferably to somewhere extremely rural like the Highlands or the middle of Mongolia where there’s no booze shop around the corner

One of the overriding memories of a trip to the Outer Hebrides years back was the realisation that I was the only person in the shop queue on Sunday morning not holding a bottle of spirits and a mixer. So not sure about that suggestion.

Really feel for you OP. My advice, for what it is worth, is walk away. Nobody needs this level of shit in their lives and to be perfectly blunt it is rare that people change.

Both my parents are alcoholics. My mum joined AA and did well for a long time. I still keep her at arms length as I don't want her influencing my kids in any way. She is emotionally manipulative. My dad has early onset dementia from drinking. I've not seen him for years and don't know if he's even still alive.

Just because someone is family, it doesn't mean you owe them anything. Walk away from your Dad, he sounds like a selfish, manipulative prick. As for your wife, it is admirable that you wish to continue to help her. However, it sounds like you've done all you reasonably can. Walk away before she drags you down with her.

I don't mean to be harsh but after living with two alcoholics and dealing with the violence and fear I have a metric tonne of my own issues. Cutting ties and moving away was the best thing I ever did.

I've only just read the OP and I actually found this bit the most painful to read :

If my dads talking to me about a subject he’s familure with that I am not, he makes fun of me for not knowing something and will look for the nearest person to laugh at me with.

That is utterly toxic and he must be really screwed up to treat his own son like that. Your whole relationship with your father in fact appears to be toxic and must be extremely damaging to you. For your own sake I would put some considerable distance between you and him, you really don't need this added burden whilst dealing with your other problems.

I would avoid saying anything or having any sort of confrontation as he will definitely not change in the short term, so it is completely pointless. Just avoid him as much as possible, and for quite a long period of time. Although recieving professional support and advice would be ideal.

Very definitely talk to friends especially if you currently have no counsellor to discuss issues with. When people keep their thoughts to themselves during periods of intense stress they are likely to come to unrealistic conclusions. Sharing it with others helps to maintain a more realistic perspective, and it also helps to overcome a sense of isolation which can be deeply damaging.

You just posting on here suggests that you are motivated to do something even though you might not know exactly what. It is an important first step. The very best of luck.

@ Wheels have stopped I think it took courage to post this on here.  I don't really have much to add other than to repeat what others have said particularly about speaking to your friends. Your friends will do their utmost to help you.I didn't have a great relationship with my dad for several years we worked in the same place and even ended up fighting at one time. Anyway I moved away and had little to no contact with him for years and things slowly began to improve, so I think limiting your contact with your dad might help too  Take care and look after yourself

Might be worth contacting charities that support families of alcoholics:

https://al-anonuk.org.uk//a >

https://alcoholchange.org.uk/help-and-support/get-help-now/family-and-friends

I don’t want to say “leave”

I do.

No kids? I think you should follow Scotroutes' example above, and separate for a start.

And please do talk to your friends. I promise they will not feel burdened and will want to help.

Finally, see about some counselling for yourself in the short term. You can either go to your GP, see if your employer has an EAP which offers it (most do) or just go private.

And sorry your Dad is so useless. But don;t let his expectations or attitudes be an additional burden.

At risk of repeating what others have already said...

Talk to your friends so they know your situation.

Tell your father (I'm reluctant to use the word dad as that implies a level of endearment) exactly why you no longer wish to see him, then follow through by not seeing him.

I don't have any advice for dealing with your marriage, but only as I am currently in a situation that is somewhat similar and I also don't know how to move forward. It's still difficult but while I don't have a particularly supportive father I don't have the toxic behavior you have to deal with. That must really take it's toll.

I'm going to repeat myself. Talk to your friends, they are friends for a reason and mates want to help each other out.

If you really don't want to talk to them, give us an idea where you are. I know I would be happy to go on a bike ride with a stranger if helped them deal with all the crap they are going through. I know many forum members would say the same.

Ooof - not a comfortable read, OP

I'd be dropping your dad faster than a red-hot turd; he sounds like a nightmare.  I'd tell him why, and then walk away either for good or 'til he mends his ways.

It does sound like your wife is not being helped by you being there for her so, hard as it sounds, I'd be out of that door too at least for a while.  She needs a metaphorical kick up the arse and that might even be it

As everybody says, talk to your mates and let them help you through

Good luck, whatever you decide

I’d tell him why

I wouldn't go that far TBH. It's easy to down communications with people. "Telling them things" might make you feel better in the short term but it just fans the flames, it invites a response and around you go again.

I've excised toxic people from my life via the simple process of having nothing further to do with them. It works really well, my only regret is not working it out sooner.

I know he's your dad , but he sounds like a cock to me. I would quietly disengage from him . Just don't reply to messages or contact him . Life is too short to let this type of person grind you down. It's debilitating and they suck the joy out of any situation like a cactus in rainy season.

As for your missus. That is tricky , but don't fall into the trap of thinking you can change them. You can't, only they can . Plus they have to want to change themselves dramatically.   This will probably mean going tea total and that's a big ask of someone who clearly enjoys alcohol a little bit too much.

It's new years eve. Before she gets hammered you might have to sit down and deal out a shit sandwich.

I love you , but your alcohol addiction is going to finish us and I really don't want that to happen.

Good luck for the future

Well she's drunk again. I got home from work and she was angry. I asked what I could do to help and she said "nothing". Then said I told her I don't want to go on holiday with her. I don't, but didnt tell her that. I then said lets talk about it in the morning after some sleep. She said I never want to talk about her drinking. I always tell her I'm ready to talk whenever she needs someone to talk to. Whenever I bring the subject up when she's sober, she says she doesn't want to talk about it. It's an on going cycle.

She ran out of alcohol and tried to drive off to buy more. There was one bottle in the house that was hidden but she didn't know where and I didnt have a chance to get rid of it yet. I had to stand in the doorway and ask her not to drive and to give me the car keys. All the time being calm. She blackmailed me into giving her the bottle of wine to prevent her driving off. She gave me the spare car key and said she had lost the other.

She's now passed out. The other car key was in her handbag the whole time.

This morning I started think the holiday might be good but now, I feel terrified to go abroad with her when she's like this every other day.

I would have called 999 on her when she tried to drive ( maybe - easy to say from the outside)

My pal I mentioned got his wake up call when he crashed a car drunk was arrested and banned.  He has been struggling with alcoholism for years but has not got to anything like that state since.  His partner also gave him an ultimatum.  It was enough to just about pull himself back from the brink

I know someone has already suggested Al-Anon Family Groups but having read your latest update I would strongly suggest that you contact them.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/I did contact them myself many years concerning someone's drinking problem and the lady on the helpline was herself was a recovering alcoholic, I think all those who answer the phone might be. They will certainly understand the situation you find yourself in.

I did call the police once before when she was out driving and I knew where (nearby supermarket). I practically begged them to go and breathalise her knowing she would be there for at least an hour. The police said I should have stopped her and have a responsibility to do so or could be held accountable if something happened. I hung up before giving any further details.

Call a close friend, pack the essentials and leave.

I can't help with your wife's problems (is she going through the menopause?).

However regarding your bully of a father, it really is time to step away. A therapist once said to me:- just because people are your family, it doesn't mean you have to have anything to do with them.

atm you need people in your life who care and have your best interests at heart.

Good luck

Ive been thinking about this a bit.  Of course its impossible to say what to do as I am not in your shoes.  However:

I think an ultimatum is needed.  ~She has to quit drinking by a set date maybe a month in the future and engage with counseling or you are out.  Then stick to it.  something has taken her to this dark place and two things are needed - she needs to stop drinking and she needs to deal with her demons

She is dragging you down and at some point unless she changes you are going to have to bail to save yourself.  I don't know how old you are or how long you have been with her and how long this has been going on but supporting her is not working.

another pal of mine was in this sort of position with a partner who was an alcoholic.  He is a good man and tried everything.  Eventually he had to walk away for his own sanity.

Sorry to read all this, op

Have to agree with the other posts. Reduce or cut contact with your dad.

It doesn't sound like your partner wants to sort herself out. The whole 'control the drinking' thing in my experience is a total excuse and really means that drinking still counts first second and last. Sorry to sound negative.

Look after yourself.

Talk to your friends.

Think seriously about getting out.

I’ve nothing much to add to the advice above, except this article in The Guardian has been a continuing help to me. I’ve covered my drinking in other threads but I’ve not had any alcohol (apart from a rogue Christmas pudding) since May the seventh last year. I made the decision to stop without telling anyone else and now I’m so proud I occasionally tell random strangers!
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/may/24/the-truth-about-booze-how-alcohol-really-affects-your-body-from-first-flush-of-happiness-to-hangover-hell?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

Good luck OP.

Calm (campaign against living miserably) have a WhatsApp and Live chat if that would help, rather than a phone call. Details on this page.

https://www.thecalmzone.net/suicide-prevention-helpline

I made the decision to stop without telling anyone else and now I’m so proud I occasionally tell random strangers!

And so you should be! I once attended an AA meeting with a friend who is a recovering alcoholic and I found the experience truly inspirational and humbling, when I listened to appalling things that life had thrown at some people who nevertheless had the strength to overcome them through sheer determination.

man that going out to buy more booze situation i can relate to, was there myself a few times, and any attempt to stop her would essentially escalate into a physical situation, was crap to be put in the position of "responsibility" i feel for you

and yes losses, lost my mates little brother (would've just turned 45) due to Alcohol and previous substance abuse, but Alcohol was the poison for the latter years. he essentially ended up being in care of his elderly parents for the last few years of his life, his parents had to watch him drink himself into the grave and potentially die in their house due to it. he wasn't able to be stopped. he was told point blank he may have 6 weeks or 6 months, he made it well over a year.. didn't stop him in that time either.

Some mentioned above, an ultimatum.. maybe that is something you should get rolling. At least you will draw deadlines up for you both.

I did call the police once before when she was out driving and I knew where (nearby supermarket). I practically begged them to go and breathalise her knowing she would be there for at least an hour. The police said I should have stopped her and have a responsibility to do so or could be held accountable if something happened. I hung up before giving any further details.

This is kind of shocking (or maybe not, given the stories you hear about the police these days).

Often the only option to stop someone who is absolutely determined to do something, and this is doubly true when they are drunk, is to physically stop them.  As a man, statistically you are probably going to be able to physically restrain her but it doesn't mean you aren't putting yourself in a lot of danger.  Physically confrontations are extremely unpredictable and who's to say someone who isn't in their right mind wouldn't have decided to pick up a kitchen knife and put it in their pocket on the way to the door

Quite apart from that, if you physically restrain her then you are opening yourself up to all kinds of liability if she then decides she has been assaulted and there are no witnesses.

The reason we have police is so that untrained people don't have to get into physical altercations.  You absolutely did the right thing and the police have behaved shockingly here.

Yep, can we examine this point a bit more and hopefully someone  can give some solid advice to the OP?

Surely what the police said about him being liable is bollocks?  Can anyone confirm as it looks like the better option available to the OP next time..

My understanding of the police thing.  I am no lawyer

law is very complex, often police do not actually understand it well.  Even lawyers will only know one part of the law.  domestic violence which is what this is is often badly dealt with by the cops particularly if the victim is a man.

You have a  duty and an obligation to attempt to report and attempt prevent a crime being committed.  However there is no penalty if you fail.  You have a right to use reasonable force to prevent the crime - the amount of force being commensurate with the risk.  You do not have to put yourself in harms way.

So in this case blocking the door and trying to stop her would seem reasonable.  If she starts hitting you let her go and report to the police.

You cannot be held responsible for her crime unless you help her.  So giving her the keys and saying " get on with it then" would be helping her.    Stepping aside if she is attempting to hit you would not.  However its a serious crime putting folk in danger so the amount of force deemed reasonable would be pretty high I would have thought.

I am not a lawyer.  legal advice on the net from lay folk like me is worth what you pay for it 🙂

YOu can report a drunk driver anonymously - I have done so

Sorry, just to be clear, I'm asking for "legal' advice on whether he is liable if he does not actively try to prevent her. Nothing else.

I think trying to actively prevent her is a stupid idea, but calling the cops and leaving them to deal with it is a good idea. But due to the shit chatted by the cops previously the OP is wary of doing this

I’m asking for “legal’ advice on whether he is liable if he does not actively try to prevent her.

I very much doubt it.  to be liable he would have to do something active to help.  Mere inaction is not enough I would have thought.  I think its reasonable to try to prevent her but not at the cost of being assaulted

I am not a lawyer. legal advice on the net from lay folk like me is worth what you pay for it 🙂

Not much more to add, i agree that to just stop contact with your dad, as they say you can pick your friends but not family, but it doesn't mean you have to put up with him.

With regards to your wife, i think you have to simply be blunt, and say you love her, but you cannot take anymore, plus lay it out to her that if she keeps driving drunk, then eventually with harm herself or even worse someone innocent in the car and you're not prepared to see that happen.

And rely on your friends, that what true friends are for, speak to them especially those who's opinion you trust and can help.

Of course the OP isn't liable for anything if they fail to stop someone else driving drunk. That's just a policeperson/call handler making up nonsense to excuse their lack of action.

I'm in the 'walk away' camp and see what happens from a distance.

My niece was in a relationship with a controlling, alcoholic and abusive man for 7+ years. The family had tried over the years to get her to leave but we could 'never see his good points'.  He'd taken out finance and credit cards in her name. He crashed his car while drunk and was banned for three years. He'd attacked her and police had been involved on many occasions but she'd always refused to press charges.

As a family we cut him out of our lives and would only see her if he wasn't around.

It all came to a head at my daughters 21st birthday gathering in December 2023. She had a massive row with my daughter (full Eastenders Christmas special), and the family as one basically decided we'd done with her and cut her off.

But over this last year she’s completely turned her life around. She’s managed to get him out of her house and just about out of her life. He’s a scheming little runt though and has tried to wheedle his way back in numerous times. She’s been seeing a Police domestic violence councillor and is in the process of getting a restraining order in place. She’s just rented her house out and moved back to where the core of the family is (4 hours from where she was living).

We’ve accepted her back and she spent Christmas with us and seems happier and more focused than in years.

She’s done the bloody hard work so we take no credit for that, but the ‘you’re on your own now’ ultimatum may just have been the shock she needed.