[Closed] Splitting up

Really sorry to hear it has happened.

Rachel

I've hurt her too much and she can no longer trust me

Sounds like you have done little wrong based on what you say so this bit doesnt add up to me.

Condolences, that sounds pretty crap.

Something doesn't quite add up, though.

You've grown apart, recognised this, and gone "hey, let's fix this." And she says no because she doesn't trust you? Why? Have you been playing away? Or has she?

I'd suggest trying Relate - might help to see if it can be salvaged.

very sad to hear.

You should try Relate - even if you both think it's over it may help to get you both emotionally to the point where you accept it or to regain whatever it is that's gone recently.

Keep talkign to each other would be my advice and try and avoid anger.

she can no longer trust me

What have you done what you haven't typed above?

Aye, you are either not telling the whole story and you have really given her some carp.....or she'll never be happy.

I think with kids it's always worth being 200% sure before you split.

Maybe let things cool down and talk about it some more.

If it helps, the wife and I have had some mega bust ups...threatened to call it a day a few times....but we let things cool down and they soon sort emselves out.

It is difficult, I think for blokes we sometimes get so besotted with the kids that we neglect the wives.

Have a good few chats before you really call it a day.

The "hurt her too much ... doesn't trust me ..." bit is about me getting so wrapped up in a combination of work and getting all the everyday stuff done that I've neglected her emotionally/physically. So she's pretty much saying she's broken as a result and doesn't believe I've had a change of heart.

FTR, I've never played away.

Relate

Yep, was thinking about them earlier. Have never liked the idea of "councelling" type stuff so maybe I need to MTFU and just do it. Whether the GF is up for it is another challenge altogether.

my ex wife said id hurt her and that she could no longer trust me.
she spent 11 years accusing me of cheating (i have never cheated on any of my partners)
she said she wanted to split up because of my behaviour.
so we did.
turns out she'd been having an affair with a guy she met on the internet who had told her he was a millionaire, for about 6 months previously.
i moved out, got a flat, got on with my life. 4 months later i met a girl on the bus (im a bus driver) she gave me her number, we have been married 5 and a half years now.
im a lot happier than i was with my ex.
the flip side of this, is i havent seen my children in almost 3 years as my ex constantly moves the goal posts to make it difficult.
consider all your options my friend.
PS: the millionaire--actually wasnt. in fact, hes probably worse off than me.

Then drop all work- no extra hours, straight back, flowers- make her see that she is more important than the day to day stuff. Talk to your boss if necessary, see if he can get you sometime off to spend with her etc.

Woo her again. However you may find that you've been planted in work so much as you too have been growing apart from her and haven't had the realisation yet?

Health issues could be a major part of this. Have they been thoroughly investigated?

@martymac: glad it worked out, sounds like you're very much better off now 🙂

@hora: I thought women liked to "go all the way to the bottom of the well before coming up only when they decide" I.e. if they need their own space and time to process some kind of hurt or whatever then give it to them. Don't be a bloke and try fixing stuff. I've often found this best in the past.

@cg: her health issues have made it bloody tough. She knows that and accepts it. She's better than she's been for a long time but does have a new condition that's (quite rightly) freaking her a bit.

Sorry to hear of your troubles woodlander. Councelling can help an awful lot. Maybe she needs some time to think about this all, having a child together means emotions must be all over the place. Sounds to me like you have only wanted whats best for you both and your future. good luck with it all.

um, she no longer trusts you because you've got

so wrapped up in a combination of work and getting all the everyday stuff done that I've neglected her emotionally/physically

Me trying to do what I thought was right has been the making of all this though. She's right. I did kind of freeze our relationship. Plus having to juggle so much stuff left me stressed and snappy etc.

STWers taking the OP's side 😯 This must be a first!

Good luck and sympathies woodlander. From your OP, I would suggest that your relationship is far from over. You are describing natural tensions that occur in most relationships over time. Being friends is the perfect foundation for any relationship and the love and physical/emotional stuff are the icing that goes on top to make it special. Perhaps you have both got the balance a little wrong - who doesn't - and you both need to focus on each other and rebuild the "trust" that you say is lost. Stick with it and make a 100% focus first on the two on you, second on the three of you. Ignore others until that is sorted out. You can/will make the correct outcome happen!

Hora is right - time to woo her again! That should be fun.

Dude... it can't be all your fault !

How does she think breaking up is going to be of benefit to her ... let alone for the poor child you had together.

What makes the grass greener for her ?

Edit ... Sorry ... defo work at it... but it can't be a oneway street... make sure she knows how lucky she is to have you around.

Edit 2 ... employ some of what is said below. Dont be (said in the nicest possilbe way 🙂 ) a walk over.

Hora is wrong, it's not time to woo her again - exactly the opposite infact!

What was your relationship like when you first met? I bet she saw you as exciting, and she had to make an effort to get you to like her?

Sorry to sound harsh but now she probably see's you as someone who brings home the bacon, who panders to her every need and is always there for her, who works all hours and does all the chores around the house. Where's the excitement or romance in that?

It's human nature to always want what you can't have (or want something that's attractive to others), so by always being there for her (or working all hours for her) then although that might seem the right thing, it's counter productive in the long term.

If you want to save the relationship, then you need to go and improve yourself. Forget about looking after her for a bit, create some excitement again around your life (for you not for her), and watch her reaction as she realises that you are again an exciting person who's going places and has plenty of other stuff going on outside the relationship.

That's the only way you'll win her back. Good luck 🙂

the early years of children are the hardest what with juggling work goals, poor health a new baby and all they need /demand and trying to get a house you have little time for the really important stuff which is each other
Can this be fixed tbh I dont know and whether it is really all over or not none of us can be sure.
I do also advise relate and wish you all the best

Remember there was a time when you just put each other first and now you need to juggle that , a child and work [ seems she doe snot like the balance] ...its hard but if you love each other you can get through

best of luck fella.

Well, looking back I reckon part of the issue is that we've discussed some of this stuff in the past, albeit it more briefly. I guess I never changed enough for long enough, hence where we're at now and why she's (in her words) "broken".

Is she "broken" or just being dramatic?

Sorry mate, i cant agree with any of this from her perspective. She has had innumerable chances before now to address any issues with you working long hours etc. Surely you two talking and coming up with solutions is better than her bottling it up until one day she cant take any more. As much her fault as yours.

Im not saying she is not in a bad place but broken?

Woo her again. However you may find that you've been planted in work so much as you too have been growing apart from her and haven't had the realisation yet?

Guys you missed my last bit ^^

Sure, she has the odd drama moment but right now she does look pretty broken. Camel's back and final straw I guess.

I'd say we've probably grown apart emotionally even though we still do a lots of family stuff together. I was starting to look at holidays last week as we've not had one for 4 yrs. My work committments have probably been the cause of that more than anything.

Sorry to hear this....

Regarding the Relate comments all this depends on whether you both actually WANT the relationship to work. I'm not being negative, but if her mind is made up then i'm not sure there's much that can be done to fix it 🙁

I hope you two manage to work it out.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but she seems to be putting all this on you and if you're not careful you'll accept the blame and live the rest of your life like you in some way failed her. She sounds quite weak, selfish and a bit needy to me. If she had a problem with you working hard and being responsible she should have said so but she seems to have pulled the "why aren't you psychic" line.

If you love her then by all means try and talk it through but also prepare for the worst. Start getting advice on how best to get joint custody and the working out the financial implications of a split.

The world is full of needy people I don't think it's wise to attach yourself to one.

FFS you've just gone through what all married couples go through at some time although for them, there's that piece of paper binding them together. For the sake of your child you need to stay together and if she is a good mother she will recognise that the child's stability and well-being are more important than any notion she may have of a romantic relationship - she needs to accept the reality of long-term partnerships, which are not a bed of roses.

woodlander, you shouldnt always believe what your other half says. In my experience when somebody says stuff that makes you feel guilty you need to carefully consider it before you accept any blame.

Take some time to reflect on what she has said about you before you start thinking its all your fault. There is always two people in a relationship, not just one, and it is very rarely one persons fault.

It sounds like some space and time is needed and I strangely agree with Hora, men always want a fix, a solution. Women very often simply dont at first, they often need to go to the bottom of the well. Have space, and then they realise if they want a fix or not.

Relate, been there and done that, my view is counselling is good if both of you are interested and even if not then some self reflection does no harm and will help you with this. But its not for everyone.

Good luck fella.

If she's made her mind up it's over then it is over and any trying to get back together will just cause heartache allround.+ 1 on the needy comment above.Move on.Focus on what's best for your child,that's the most important thing you come second and your ex-partner third.

Yep, I agree Relate will probably only work if we both want to remain together. I was hoping that as a woman, missnotax, you'd say soething more optimistic than "[i]but if her mind is made up then i'm not sure there's much that can be done to fix it[/i]" 🙁 🙂

She's not putting this all on me + she's generally not all that needy TBH. Not these days anyway. She knows we've had a tough time and that we've both contributed to this. But ultimately, like I said a few mins ago, we've talked about similar issues in the past and I've not done enough to change.

@cg: her health issues have made it bloody tough. She knows that and accepts it. She's better than she's been for a long time but does have a new condition that's (quite rightly) freaking her a bit.

Sorry for returning to the matter of health but are you completely aware of how she's feeling particularly in regard to this new condition? Do you know much about it?

Apologies for going on about this but ongoing health issues are debilitating (speaking from experience here).

But ultimately, like I said a few mins ago, we've talked about similar issues in the past and I've not done enough to change

Has she done enough to make that change work though ?

Sorry, I'm a bit confused here, you've got a 3 year old kid, a job and a house to run and you've got less time for each other? 😀

FWIW I was asked to move out of our house just before last Christmas - it was shit and everything but we still saw each other + i got to see my daughter every night. Few months later things had improved and I moved back in and we're back to being good.

Maybe you should give her a bit of space (and appreciate how much you do around the house!)

@cg: It's a very rare condition that affects her eyes. There doesn't appear to be a cure as such, more a case of management - treatment every 3 months.

It appeared last summer (just as she'd kicked a load of thryoid issues into touch and was feeling great). Gradually it got worse and no-one seemed to know anything about it. Then she got lucky in finding a specialist who appears to be the best in the UK - and he's local. She then found a briliant optom who happened to be really curious about the condition and has since sorted her out with 4 pairs of Oakleys (including a one-off pair specially made in the US) each with custom lenses.

Through having to wear these pretty much all the time, she admits to feeling like she's lost part of what it's like to be a woman. I try to empathise/support with that but it's tricky. Especially after she seems to have suffered with one thing after another. It's really getting her down and is probably another area I've not supported her with enough emotionally. Being a bloke, it's often easier to take care of the practical stuff and kind of hope the more sensitive things fall into place (ish).

Does that offer any enlightenment?

@weeksy: hard to say TBH. I'll have a think about that one.

@scaled: been there myself (but without the child) - nearly 10 years ago. Luckily I had my own house to go back to + a load of mates in the area. Got back together after about 3 months but then ended 18 months later.

I know we could make it work if we both "stepped into being a couple" again. I also think that's best for our son. For a long time he was more of a daddy's boy because I did most things with him. Alhough my GF was grateful for me doing all the extra looking after stuff, she was (naturally) really upset because of how her condition held her back. Her health has improved since then so much so that they've been able to do more together - which is great because the two of us are more equal now in terms of parenting responsibility.

On the basis of imformation provided I'm really struggling to see how her life can possibly be any better if you split. I can only assume that you aren't telling us soemthing or more probably she isn't telling you something.

Ask her how she sees her life if you split.

Oh blimey, she does have a lot to deal with and, yes, obviously not feeling good about herself. I have a thyroid disorder so completely appreciate how it can affect one, both mentally and physically.

I think that perhaps a visit to Relate would help both of you. She's definitely not in a good place at the moment and really needs to see some optimism for the future.

Often men aren't good at the talking stuff so a third party could really help.

Good luck and try to be positive.

http://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-counselling/index.html

My heart goes out to you - been there, got the T-shirt

I hope you're able to work together to put it right, if not, then try and get an agreement on your son now, before it (as it so often does) turns acrimonious.

in the meantime, look after yourself, stay away from the booze and pills if you can, ride the bike, lots!

One final question worth considering...

She hasn't taken any speeding points for you recently has she 😀

Yep, I agree Relate will probably only work if we both want to remain together. I was hoping that as a woman, missnotax, you'd say soething more optimistic than "but if her mind is made up then i'm not sure there's much that can be done to fix it"

I'm genuinely sorry if my post seemed harsh - I didn't mean to be unkind - but ultimately I do believe that if one person (ie her in this case) doesn't want to put the effort in to make the relationship work then I don't see what else can be done with just one half of the couple trying?

Obviously only she and you know if this is the case, and if she is undecided then yes it is worth fighting for in which case there is some great advice here regarding Relate etc.

Good luck.

woodburner - you mention change a lot, gnerally people dont change quickly except in really traumatic events or very slowly over time, most of us dont change, we are who we are unless we make a real concerted effort and undoubtedly have lapses. Trying to change is all well and good but IMO its a bit like giving up smoking, the way you are is a habit built over many years and hard one to change. Such is life and people. 😉

Ask her how she sees her life if you split.

Hmm, good question. I'll see when I can pop that one in.

Often men aren't good at the talking stuff

Yep, guilty your honour!

look after yourself, stay away from the booze and pills if you can, ride the bike[b], lots!

If only I had the time.

@ti-pin-man: Leopards don't change their spots an' all that? Definitely a degree of truth in some of that, but I also believe change is possible given the right motivating factors. BTW, I gave up smoking years ago and it was somehow a POP 🙂

Has she had treatment for the ME / CFS? Sounds like it could all be wrapped up together...

@missnotax: no offence taken. I was just making a hopeful reference (tongue in cheek) that as a woman you'd admit there was a chance of her being open to getting back together 😉

Not had time to read through all the details in other replies, but if ever there was a case for proper counselling, this sounds like it. Lots to bring out and resolve, for the little ones sake even if it doesn't save the relationship.

Some friends are working through their problems (OK, my mate was acting like a prize aris) but it's really pulled them back from the brink.

Has she had treatment for the ME / CFS? Sounds like it could all be wrapped up together...

Seems like the ME side of things could be more related to thyroid than anything else. But that didn't become apparent until last year when she was really ill. Thankfully she's much better now as a result of different methods (and no Thyroxin).

It sounds like she is depressed and is taking it out on the person closest to her.

If she will not go to Relate then can she discuss this with a friend or close family member?

woodlander - it takes time for medication to work as it needs to get to every cell of the body. Don't underestimate this.

woodlander - Member

Relate

Yep, was thinking about them earlier. Have never liked the idea of "councelling" type stuff so maybe I need to MTFU and just do it. Whether the GF is up for it is another challenge altogether.

My wife left me in June,in similar circumstances as you describe(no illness.) I begged to go to relationship Scotland as relate is up here but she was adamant we were finished. As brutal(and god it was) as it was I got myself together as we have kids. Over 4/5 months it went from over to going to RS. I was a sceptic,but what a difference they made. Eight years is a long time to walk away from. Just my pennys worth,good luck whatever you end up doing.

I'm sorry to hear this OP but I have to agree with a lot of the comments that you are being held to account for trying to keep your family together. Who is going to do all the work to look after your 3yr old when you move out? She's lucky to have you.

I was in a similar situation 5 years ago. I separated from my wife, at her suggestion, as I'd upset her one time too much - turns out she'd got back with her 1st boyfriend and couldn't tell me the truth. She still won't admit she cheated 5 years on. I did a lot of the chores in the house and now my 14yr old daughter makes dinner most nights for them.

If she will not go to Relate then can she discuss this with a friend or close family member?

She most likely is already (or will). She's v close to her mum who I get on with really well. I'd like to think that will count for something.

@cg: agreed. The positive effects of the first term of meds has "worn off" 2 weeks early, but that's because the consultant had to speculate on quantity. Understandably she's upset with this. Next appt is next week so am hopeful that will be more accurate and last the full term.

@duckman: great to hear of your turnaround 🙂 I've also been a sceptic in the past probably because by nature I'm not the most outwardly emotional/expressive person when it comes to revealing myself. Partly a bloke thing I guess? I'm generally pretty good at helping others sort out their sh1t though (except when it's someone close to home).

@youngrob: TBH I can't even handle thinking about how she/we would cope with certain things. Plus my son and I are so close that I ... well, I can't even go there 🙁

I know how you feel, I was exactly the same. I still get angry about it now tbh, that was the most difficult part for me. Hopefully you will be able to work it out.

Plenty of good advice given Woodlander, I can't add anything else. Good luck to you and your family, hopefully it will work out for the best.

J

I think the gist so far is:

1. To woo or not to woo
2. Try Relate

I reckon giving her time and space is needed for now. Like I and another poster said, women seem to like going to the bottom of the well (of sh1t) before coming back up in their own time. Tis a bit early to go into woo mode IMO.

Don't know if I'm being overly optimistic here but maybe Valentines Day will give us an opportunity to get back?

Am coming round to the idea of Relate. I reckon I can MTFU, get my sh1t out in the open and properly prioritise our relationship over work etc.

Thanks all!

Hi Mate.
Time to keep your pecker up and to talk to some mates or family if you are able and feel up to it. It will surprise you how much a good old natter with some close people will help.
I had an almost identical situation about 18 months ago (I have two kids slightly older). We tried to work things out by going to relate but she just felt picked on, which was weird. I changed and showed more love and and compassion but got the impression that the cold shoulder wasn`t warming.
We stumbled along together still not being happy and picking at each other with good time and bad.
I know exactly how hard it was when she first said she wanted to split up and you have my sympathies.
with us we have split up now, only last week in fact, and are sharing the kids etc. To be honest its not great but I actually don`t feel bad about it at all - in fact I feel quite liberated.
The best advice I can give is sometimes things arent meant to be. It may be best to try and let go as it sounds like youve done a lot for the family. Obviously if there is anything salvageable then try and work it out but you may end up like me. Happy with the split and looking forward to the future.
p.s. it will seem really hard now especially as you sound very much like myself, working hard for the family and being a loving father and probably not getting the credit you deserve yourself.
Good luck.

Hi OP,
I think you are in a shit position. It sounds that you have done everything you can do to provide for her and your kid during tough times - lesser people would have buggered off much earlier.

I'm a skeptic when it comes to ME. I know it is recognised as a condition etc, so I am just stating this to make things clear. ME sufferers that I have known, along with anorexics and those suffering from depression are very, very needy people. I know, my father was the later, made my life hell from 11 - 18 - but I accept he was ill. However it didn't stop me wondering why the hell, when he wasn't ill, he just didn't say "sorry, I was a complete arse.

I think your partner is throwing a mega needy fit (obviously, this in depth diagnosis comes straight from a BB). FFS, you have stood by her through bad times and worse times, kept everything together and now she thinks you don't love or care for her.

I think it is time for a little tough love - explain to her what you have gone through, how it has affected you, what it has done to your self esteem. Also explain to her how you are prepared to stick with her through another bout of whatever (and the next one, and the next one). Quite frankly I read this and think she is taking the piss or has met someone else, or is a daddy's little princes.

Through her very selfish actions, she will f*** up your life , your kids life - and just cos she wants to be loved "more"

It is up to you mate - but Plan B sounds better with every second that passes. However, I am not you, you have the emotional stuff and a kid. You deserve real praise for sticking with things has you have and being tolerant. But it is time she saw how things are in your world.

Can you get it back together - yes , of course you can, this is just a meh, meh, meh skirmish. I've been married a long time - had my head turned. Nearly truly right royally screwed everything up. It took some serious blunt talking ( and relate were piss useless - they took my wife side is some sort of coillition) from both sides. TBH, I was the sinner - but the reasons why it happened are not so disimiliar to your circumstances - however no illness.

It can work if you both want it too. Now, the 64 thousand dollar question. In the cold light of day, assuming you get control of your kid, do you want to still be there?

<kettle on>

*shakes head*

I think hes talking from own personal experience not generalising i.e his Dad was frustrated/angry with his situation. Please dont castigate him.

When a parent is longterm sick it can grind a son or daughter down.

Move on.

MrMoofo - takes balls to be that honest about your experiences. Fair play to you and Mooly for telling it how it was for you both.

Jam

The worst bit was his ability to play the victim- and when medics were around, to play absolutely normal whilst suggesting the rest of us needed treatment.
Hence , I am just saying to the OP consider the situation not through rose tinted specs

Cinnamon girl - do you have something to add?

O.P.

horrid position to be in for both of you.. my heart goes out to you.

We only have your side of the story, however you appear to have recognised your faults and your part in all of this.
I've re-read your post a couple of times and a absolutely fail to see what else you could have done. You have taken on doing her side of the family/home duties, you've worked extra hard to further your career, presumably to allow you all to have a better quality of life. It sounds like you've entirely put your life on hold to concentrate on the needs of the family. Do you have any time to yourself??

Your desire to put the family unit back together is entirely selfless, you said

And I've since wanted nothing more than for us to become a couple again and to continue raising our amazing little boy together

May be you put to much time into your career but i fail to see how that's made her loose trust in you.. You might have hurt her feelings, she might have felt neglected, but loose trust...

What happens if you get back together, you totally re-organise, and re-prioritise your life to fit around her needs. You do everything that she asks of you, what happens at the next melt down??
You've no where to go, you've given up everything already.

professional help is a really good idea. If I may suggest that its not just help with the relationship, i think you're partner has underlying issues that might be worth airing.. whether she wants to is a different matter.

No matter what happens, if you can say "I did my best to try to sort this" you've done all you can...

all the best

Good advice from Jimmy01.
I think thats why I can say I'm happy with my situation as I had been the one trying to keep the family together, doing plenty of chores (easily my fair share), school pick ups, generally trying my hardest and have come to the conclusion that there is mo more I could do.
My other half has been suffering from depression and although I have offered to help tried to give her time neither have worked.
We have done a great job in raising our boys like i'm sure you have with yours.
Be proud of what you have achieved. Life is difficult sometimes but it is also pretty damn good at others.
What ever happens, again I wish you the best.

How are you doing Woodlander?

I think woo is the wrong word. Probably a bit too soon.

Sometimes to me that ^^^ feels like your admitting its all your fault however I usually make it clear its a reminder, a token to say what my other half means to me, with real depth of feeling, not an apology. Just a statment of how much she means. Fine line but still shows what you mean.

Dude, and keep riding, its great for your mental health.

EDIT: and if you're anywhere near west london and ride at swinley, let me know !

Hi guys

Thanks for your latest words of support, they've really been making a difference.

The GF and I have generally been really pleasant with each other over the last 24hrs although she's made a couple of remarks just now that have cut through me and left me feeling proper low.

I think I'm looking to hold on and give her time/space (without any confrontation on my part) to get to the bottom of her well, then see where I'm at when she starts to come back up.

Have had a good reflection on things too. One realisation is that I've let quite a few friends drop off the radar as a result of pushing so bl00dy hard with work and everyday stuff. Idiot. And I reckon I've let that happen because I was striving to get us in position to build a proper home and just as we're there she turns round and wants out. Haven't the energy to analyse any more than that. Suffice to say I'm in a sh1t place.

Will reply to a few other posts individually later. Need to pop out now.

Thanks for listening 🙂

Hey Woodlander,
Glad the situation has improved, even if only slightly. As others have said its a tough situation that you are both in - your GF's health problems and you trying to get out of renting and buy a place by working hard.
If you were not putting in the time and effort at work you could be criticized (by yourself and others) for not doing enough to get on the property ladder! damned if you do, damned if you don't..
Giving your GF space to work out what she wants is a good plan IMO, but make sure she knows this is what you are doing, otherwise it could be seen by GF as you not fighting for your relationship/cooling off.

Maybe scale things back a bit work-wise (if possible), focus on your family, book a holiday and keep working things out.

Don't beat yourself up over this and I hope it all works out for you all.

Whats wrong with renting?

Well, at least we're being very amicable with one another without any snapping, controlling etc. We need to keep this going if only to maintain a stable environment for our son. Plus she's openly reading "Mars and Venus in Love" so maybe that's a positive sign. And last night she did say "[u][b]If[/b][/u] we go our separate ways .."

Unfortunately I've been evicted to the spare room, but if it's space she needs then that's what she'll get.

I think an early test will be what happens this weekend, i.e. will we go and do family stuff as usual or will she "demand" that we each do our own thing.

Then there's Valentines Day ... good timing or bad timing ... who knows ...

Looking back I'm really pi55ed off with how I let my career focus take me away from various friends. The thing is I never had the time to fit everything in, so something had to give. I've always been a matey person but right now I feel like I've become detached. Hmm.

I'm a skeptic when it comes to ME. I know it is recognised as a condition etc, so I am just stating this to make things clear. ME sufferers that I have known, along with anorexics and those suffering from depression are very, very needy people.

I know two people diagnosed with ME, neither of whom are anything like your description. Maybe it's best not to make too many generalisations?

I say this from personal experience - please don't start blaming yourself for the situation. Reflect on things sure (we could all do things better with hindsight couldn't we?), but please don't go down that route as it's a sure-fire way to end up in a very bad place yourself...

Looking back I'm really pi55ed off with how I let my career focus take me away from various friends. The thing is I never had the time to fit everything in, so something had to give. I've always been a matey person but right now I feel like I've become detached. Hmm.

Good friends will understand and let your friendship endure...

@Edukator: that's a good question, I'll use that one when needed.

@Mooly: definitely some similarities there but good to hear you made it to a better place, even after what sounds like a struggle. I agree some things are just meant for sure.

@mrmoofo: sorry you suffered with your dad's experience. Years ago I also thought some ME sufferers were just using it as a label to disguise whatever sh1t they weren't interesting in handling. But meeting the GF and other sufferers has given me insight into how things like thyroid issues can create truly horrendous conditions resembling ME/CFS and more. Having seen the evidence and spoken with consultants that back this up, I'd say there are sadly enough sufferers out there as a result (along with some who just abuse the name).

@jimmy01: what I mean to say is I want to create a better work-life balance instead of solely switch focus from work to relationship. I guess I've tried to build a pratical foundation (financially etc) upon which to build instead of a strong family that everything elses revolves around. You probably know what I mean.

People who suffer from CFS or any illness will of course come across as needy (to some people) by the very fact they cannot carry on with their lives like normal people.
Some of the comments above asound me.
Anyway .... Good luck OP. I don't think you could have done anymore in the circumstances, as with a lot of things only time will tell.

Feel very sorry for your situation, from what you say it's not all your fault & you should take heart for trying to provide for your family,
However I think your other half has some issues no expert but BPD or some NPD traits ?.
I wish you the best she is unlikely to change & if she does will not do so whilst you are enabling her behaviour.
Ask yourself if you didn't have the little one would you put up with this relationship??
Sounds like you have invested heavily in this relationship & you are finding this very draining.
What ever happens I really wish you the best of luck.

Hi Woodlander,

my issues are dealt with and come terms with, yours, however do need a plan. Unfortunately , you are in the driving seat, it might not seem that way. You are at a fork in the road - now you need to decide which way to go.(Sounds like Stairway to Heaven :?)

I'm guessing that a kid brought up in conflictorial relationship is worse than if to two grown-ups split up and go there own ways, as long as the child still has a father/ mother figure.
I can't help you with that choice - pick the best one for your, and your son's longterm well being.
Good luck whereever it takes you.

I know two people diagnosed with ME, neither of whom are anything like your description. Maybe it's best not to make too many generalisations?

It's the internet - it runs on generalisations.
I know two people who have ME - and they were both very needy
I know three people well who have had depression - including my father and another family member
And I went out with an anorexic for 3 months - boy, that was emotional

So , in the generalisations top trumps, who wins , your two or my 6?

Of course it is a generalisation - all of our life's experinces are about that. It's sort of diificult to get the consumer understanding panel rolled out to quickly screen 190 people for a significant sample, is it?

I've come across numerous situations like this among friends, OP I feel very sorry for you and hope you can find a way to work things out.

Not to generalize too much, but from what I have observed, the relationship initially seems fine; children come along and boom a couple of years down the line it's in tatters. The overwhelmingly common factor in these situations seems to be that the female partner decides to bail and the male partner is left asking questions.

A good friend of mine is going through something very similar; I hope by sharing his story I can at least offer some form of support and to reassure you that this isn't uncommon, and it isn't all your fault.

He's a good provider, an excellent father and a supportive and attentive husband. She has now told him that she "misses the spark" they used to have and now "wants space" to "find herself again", which has culminated in her moving out; they are currently trying to work out a shared custody plan of their three year-old. He is shattered. Never saw it coming. Was doing his very best to provide for his family and this has knocked him for six. She accuses him of being "too serious" (he is a serious person, is successful by dint of hard work and taking things seriously, and uses this success to provide for his family) and that he's "boring and predictable" (maybe, but do you really want to be married to someone who is unreliable?)

I don't know why, but maybe she has an unrealistic view of what life is like after children come along. Life isn't champagne and chocolates every day; it isn't like it is in trashy chick lit and certainly isn't anything like the innumerable romcoms that poison the screens.

In the initial throws of a relationship there is of course a spark, things are always fun and the other person can do no wrong - however a few years down the line when you are familiar with each other and the bins need to go out, the dog needs walking, the bills need paying, the dishes need doing and the life insurance policy needs to be sorted out - general mundane everyday things that life throws in your way - the spark can turn into something else. Sadly I think too many people can't handle this and choose to throw away their relationship rather than work at it 🙁

I am having similar issues with my wife at the moment, partly because I am a workaholic.

I would just advise that your GF should be careful as it has been a long and dreary winter, and bad weather for a long time, which doesn't help with feeling good about things.

Suggest that maybe she should tread water for a few months before making such a decision.

That is how we are approaching things, and combined with my apparent acceptance of the situation my wife is now re-assessing things.

I have even been feeling down recently, which is most unusual for me - although I am digging my way out with lots of running 🙂

But my wife doesn't do self-help things like that, and as others have mentioned, is content to fall to the bottom of the well. So I am waiting for the Sun to arrive and bring some healthy does of vitamin D to arrive!