Speaking at your Wife’s funeral/celebration of life

I can't give any advice other than to do what feels right for you, and what you know your wife would have wanted - draw strength from that.

I was at my sister's husband's funeral on Monday, she didn't want to dress in black as she wanted it to be a celebration of his life. I didn't feel comfortable with that and so she was fine with me dressing in a suit and black tie, which I know he would have very much appreciated as it's not typically me at all.

Just do what feels right for you crewlie, and you have my profound sympathies with what I know is a totally devastating experience.

Edit:

It’s supposed to be a happy celebration of life and I don’t want to spoil it for everyone

You won't spoil it for anyone, funerals are never happy occasions. Yes you can celebrate their lives by recounting amusing stories and sharing photos of long gone past times, but saying goodbye to someone close is always desperately sad. You won't be expected to hold it together at such a difficult time.

So sorry for your loss.

Focus on the positives; pick out a few highlights - possibly things not generally known.

I can't help with the thread you refer to.

You won't spoil it for anyone as you've had your heart ripped out, thrown on the ground and then stamped on. Whatever you can manage will be good enough.
I've been to too many funerals of friends and family just recently. The partners of the deceased have all been just about functioning having had their life foundations torn away.

Really sorry for your loss, my condolences go out to you all.

Not sure what thread you're referring to I'm sorry so can't help there. But from my experience I couldn't face it at all. I spoke to the person doing the service who was a friend and he said he'd say it for me if I preferred, so that's what we did. Knowing it was being done this way eased a lot of pressure for me and could spend a couple of days writing it as opposed to stressing over it. He explained at the service that I wanted to say something but I couldn't face doing it and he read my words for me.

If you want to chat or vent or whatever, please message me. Can try and give you advice from my experiences at the very least

As gnusmus said, you don't need to read it out yourself.  Everyone will understand and there is no judgement.  It's ok to write something and have someone else read it or even just print it.  I've got friends who have done exactly that

Honestly, don't worry about it. No one expects anything.

The fact they are there is enough,imo.the fact you're there is enough.

My mum's funeral was a few years ago.

My old man ain't one to make a speech. Old school stiff upper lip, stoicism. My sister was a wreck having given birth the day prior.
Thankfully my BIL stood up and spoke shortly, along with an aunt or two.

I didn't know wtf to do. Was in a bit of a daze. Was ****ing surreal.

Ended up thanking those in the way out of the crem for coming despite not knowing 75% of them. My cheeks and collar were full of ladies make-up through all the kisses and hugs. Was humbling to see so many people there.

Just be there. Funerals ate shit.

If you can't face it, don't do it. Nobody expects you to.

I can't think of a funeral I attended where the partner gave any kind of eulogy?

I'm so sorry to hear this. Hope you manage to just do the best you can on the day. I'm wishing you well.

Was it this thread? It's not a recent thread, but the OP linked to it in a more recent thread about a month ago.
https://singletrackmag.com/forum/topic/im-in-need-of-some-support-from-you-lot-sad-content-im-afraid/

I'm sorry for your loss, crewlie.

Holding it together isn't the point of a funeral; in some ways it's a recognition that you can't hold it forever. A funeral is part of the grieving process, so as well as celebrating her life it's also an opportunity for everybody to grieve while supporting each other.

Do what you feel able to do, but don't stress about what you ought to do, you have enough stress without that.

Focus on the positives; pick out a few highlights – possibly things not generally known.

#nsff

(not safe for funerals)

I'm sorry for your loss, I can't imagine how hard this must be for you.

But, this is a firm; you need to do what you need to do FOR YOU. If anyone can't accept that, screw them!

look after yourself for a bit - that is the most important thing.

@Rona That’s the one, I must have followed the more recent link to it, thank you.

I do have someone who can take over if needed, but I would very much like to get through it myself.
Thank’s for all the help here and on that older thread.
@MrOvershoot @gnusmas I’ve followed your threads especially over the last 18 months that we knew this was coming, they’ve helped me to know what to expect if not to be able to deal with it.
I thought that because it’s been so long with no hope of recovery that I would be better prepared…I don’t think it made a difference.

Even with the progressive deterioration that MND brings you still don’t fully accept that  it is inescapable.

Anyway, I won’t feel so bad ending up as a hopeless mess now, thanks.

Sorry for your loss crewlie.

As above, don’t feel obliged to deliver the words. My brother and I couldn’t do it at our mum’s funeral so the vicar stepped in.

Similarly, a friend’s son recently took his own life (only 18😢). His mum is normally strong and stoic but she couldnt bring herself to say any words at the service. His dad - separated from the mum and rather unhinged - put himself forward and delivered one of the most honest and moving speeches I’ve ever heard. There was no expectation nor any negative commentary about the mum not saying anything.

Do what you feel comfortable with.

Sorry for your loss Crewlie. I lost my Mum to MND a while back, very sad but mercifully fast in her case.

I've spoken at my Gran's and my Mum's but I don't think I could speak at my wife's if that was to happen. As others have said no pressure, just do what you have to do to get through the day.

I do have someone who can take over if needed, but I would very much like to get through it myself.

I can understand that, although I just cannot imagine it - I think practice practice practice might help, I think if you're reading that out for the first time on the day, that dmotion's going to be overwhelming, but if you're able to run through it as often as you can beforehand, it may take that rawness away.

I would want to do it for Mrs Pondo.

That’s the one, I must have followed the more recent link to it, thank you.

Glad to help.

Everyone there will have walked in your shoes themselves, or they'll be able to imagine doing so, to some extent at least. They'll all realise how tough it will be for you to say a few words, and will be silently supporting you.

Sorry to hear about your loss.

My mum died at the start of June. My dad was in no state to say anything but a few "Thank Yous" at the wake. I did the one reading based on some notes that he, my sister and I had made. The vicar, an old friend of my mum's, did the rest.

Let someone else do it if you can't face it. Just say thanks and raise a glass.

Sorry for your loss. Do exactly what you want to and if you don't want to do it don't. Everyone's there to remember and honour your wife they'll all be feeling sad for you and the family and will want to support you and your family. Take care all the very best to you

As has already been said, everyone will be there to support you however you deal with it on the day. Take care and I'll be thinking of you in 10 days time in what must be a huge ordeal

Sorry for your loss.

I was the main speaker at my mum's funeral. No minister. I had my speech written out in full and a close friend of my dad's ready to substitute for me if I couldn't get through it. It was tough but I managed. I'm glad I did it for my dad.

So if there is someone that can be there as backup that might help. Having a Plan B may be enough to get you through it.

When it came to my dad's turn a few year's later I couldn't do it again. A cousin did it for us.

Whatever you decide to do everyone will understand.

Very sorry for your loss.

No one will mind if you choke a bit or can't get through it - to be honest I wouldn't expect anything less - it must be the hardest thing in the world to do.

Everyone there will have your back!

I thought that because it’s been so long with no hope of recovery that I would be better prepared…I don’t think it made a difference.

Yes my sister is struggling too despite having such a long time preparing for the inevitable. After looking after her husband 24/7 and watching him slowly deteriorating you might expect that when the final day came there would be more acceptance, and possibly even relief.

But I was talking to her yesterday 4 days after his funeral she doesn't seem to be dealing with it any differently to how she might have dealt with it had it been a much shorter period of illness.

I think part of the problem is that you learn to live with the knowledge that someone will eventually pass away without it actually happening. Your brain becomes hardwired to that particular situation so that when it eventually does happen it seems totally unreal.

It's really hard and all you want to do is turn back time. Just do what feels right for you and what she would genuinely have wanted you to do. After the funeral perhaps consider bereavement counseling - thankfully it is a situation which most of us have scant experience dealing with, so reaching for a helping hand from those trained to help would seem sensible.

****.

Truly sorry for your loss. You know what I had to deal with, the best I managed at my old man's funeral was thanking the people who came. I don't think anyone will expect anything more from you than just turning up. If you do anything though, make sure you have someone to take over if you don't manage to finish, sometimes that's enough to get you through.

If/when you feel up to getting out and you want a neutral ear to bash you know where to find me.

After the funeral perhaps consider bereavement counseling

This. My missus waited years before she finally got referred to a place in Ayr, was a lot to undo. I've not spoken to anyone and to be honest I don't feel like it's been the smartest move. I'm better but I keep thinking there's more I should be doing.

If you can’t face it, don’t do it.

This.

If you want advice on how to write and deliver a eulogy i did Julies. It helped that we had discussed it before she died and also thst julie taught me in years gone by to give presentations

Itvwas important to me to do it. I told the story of her life in 12 mins
Telling anecdotes from parts of her life and making a few jokes.

I had a friend with a copy as backup if i cracked but i didn't. I practiced it over and over.

But its entirely up do you. If you can't fsce it dont do it.

Good luck

My dad gave the eulogy at my mum's funeral a year ago. Part of the reason for doing so was because he had many people telling him that he couldn't and shouldn't and it became a crisis of confidence for him. It obviously wasn't easy for him but it helped him to be able to stand up and say how much she meant to him.
In the end for you, do what ever makes the best sense for you. No one will think any more or less of you no matter what you decide to do.

If finding the right words feels like a task too far (and God knows, at this time, how understandable it would be if it is) then you can borrow someone else's, a short poem worked very well for me recently. It was this one, but there's a lot more out there:

'Do not stand at my grave and weep'
by Mary Elizabeth Frye (1932)

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die

Crewlie I am so sorry for your loss and as always STW offers sounds advice.
Do what ever you feel right doing and speak to the around you. Good luck.

What a terrible loss.

What I would say is: if you feel nervous, remember the audience wants you to do well. And as above even your words read by another will be a great authentic celebration.

Thanks again everybody.

Lots of great advice in there. Repeat practice sounds like that could take the sting out of the words, going to try that.

@ernielynch That's uncannily close to how I'm feeling, I could have written those same words.

@squirrelking See you out there

I've already had some counselling, both before and since Sue's death. It's been very helpful, just being able to talk openly and freely to somebody who is listening seems to help in ways I can't really explain. A bit like being on here 🙂

Very sorry for your loss CrewLie.
There’s no way I could do it. I’d just fall apart, don’t think I’ve never blubbed at any funeral never mind someone so close.
You don’t have to do it though.

Thanks Rona for linking it, for some reason It's not in my list of topics started?

crewlie. I really feel for you at this sad time.

Yes it was me that started that thread, I still go back and read the words I said that day & it makes me sob my heart out.

But its almost like a summer storm that clears the air & I feel like Carolyn is telling me to carry on and live your life. It will be 3 years in September since she died but I'm trying not to make that a day of note, just her birthday and the day we got married.

I wish you all the strength whatever you decide to do. If I can give one bit of advice, it's to deliver it as though you are talking to her as the familiarity you have with each other makes it easier.

For what it's worth,

I'm an emo ****pig on a good day. I could burst into tears over a torn envelope. There is no way I could eulogise about someone I cared about without going to pieces so fast that people got hit by shrapnel.

Whether I'd actually do it anyway... would probably be a coin toss on the day. I think I'd do _something_ even if it was just rocking up, going "thanks for coming" and running away again.

Whatever, this stuff is deeply personal. There's no right or wrong, do what you need to do for you.

Sorry for your loss.

Just say whatever you wish to say or just thank you to people who turn up.

Don't feel as though you need to speak. That's why you've got a humanist (are they still called celebrants?) to handle the difficult bits.

If you want to write something down they'll read it out for you, or someone else close to you could perhaps read it on your behalf?

Dammit. I am so, so sorry for your loss Crewlie. There’s not much I can add to what other people have already said other than to admit I was asked to read out my dad’s life story after his death and, well, just could not. It was too raw and I was in bits. I envy your bravery for even thinking about doing it after such a short time.

If you ever need to vent, well, you know where we are.

So, so sorry Crewlie.
I gave my Mam’s eulogy a couple of months ago, I wrote two instructions to myself in big letters at the top of the 1st page;
1, Breathe
2, take your time

I read my speech numerous times to my sisters to practice it prior to the day and had it on prompt cards rather than sheets of a4.
If you decide to do it remember that everyone there is rooting for you and no one’s going to think anything negative of you if you do struggle.
Equally no one will think any the worse if you decide not to do it.
Fwiw I’m pleased that I did it, i think I did her proud and people were very complimentary afterwards.
Whatever you decide to do, very best of luck to you Crewlie, and remember that there are people on here you’ve never met but are thinking of you and sending virtual man-hugs.
Let us all know how it goes.

That’s awful, truly a terrible thing to even have to contemplate. I couldn’t and didn’t, even the thought had me in bits. Speak to the celebrant, they can say the words for you, it’s a long tough day so be kind to yourself.
People here and elsewhere will be thinking of you.

@chewlie a good friend of mine had a similar challenge recently.

He had written a eulogy in the form of a letter, had it printed into cards for those attending and asked at the given moment for all to open and read it for themselves and to hold a moment to remember the person they had all lost.

There are no words that haven't already been said. Truly sorry my dude.

Let someone else do it if you can’t face it. 

100% this, when we lost Mrs oldenough there was a million things I would have liked to have said, but I knew I'd never be able to hold it together enough to say anything. Our son put his hand up straight away and wrote a beautiful speech which he delivered flawlessly. Much better for everyone than me standing there a blubbering wreck. But if you feel up to it OP go for it, you'll have nothing but support from everyone there.

Just a quick update.

Sue’s celebration of life was yesterday. We held it at a beachside cocktail bar on the island (Arran)

The sun shone, it was warm, people came. We didn’t do invites just an open invitation to people who knew us. It was lovely to be in the company of friends.

Her cycling group made sandwiches, snacks and cakes.

We had a celebrant read the story of Sue’s life. Our daughter then read a poem that she had found that summed up her, and my, feelings beautifully.

My turn came…and I got through it. I did my thankyou’s to all her carers, medical team and friends, read a wee emotional bit that I’d written, a a snatch of a song lyric that I wanted to share…and I was done (almost)

I wavered more than a bit, but with the kids either side of me ready to step in it was good.

I was able to finish by announcing that our daughter is pregnant with our first Grandchild and that she was able to tell Sue the news before she died. That felt good.

Thanks for the support and advice on here, it really made a difference, especially the practice, practice suggestion. I’m so pleased I went for it, I feel that even if I’d failed it would have been better than not trying.

Good for you. Its important that you are content with whatever ceremony you have

Thanks for the update crewlie. I'm glad you were able to do your bit as you had wanted to. Sounds like you will have positive memories of the day to think back on as time goes on. Good to hear about your first grandchild and how your wife had known. All the best now for the weeks and months ahead.

I feel that even if I’d failed it would have been better than not trying.

I don't think there's any scenario where you can fail if you go in with that attitude.

I'm glad the day went well, sounds like a great send off.

Sounds like a lovely event and a lovely tribute to your wife.

That does indeed sound like a lovely way to remember your wife and, once again, I am impressed by your strength.

That sounds lovely Crewlie.
One of my few regrets in life is my mum died not knowing she was a grandma....

Mark, it was an honour to be there with you yesterday. You all did really well and the whole venue, mood and atmosphere was peaceful and reflective. Your good news piece at the end was truly wonderful !

Well done Mark, sounds like a perfect day to remember her and something you will always be glad you did.

I'm not going to pretend it will be easy, I still have to break off conversations nearly 3 years later when something crashes over me in a memory. But it gets easier to understand and accept why this happens.

I'm sure others have said it but be gentle to yourself, good luck with the future and a grandchild 🙂

Sounds like a really beautiful event. It's so nice to hear that you were able to do everything that you felt you wanted to do. There's still a rocky road ahead but hopefully your first grandchild will provide you with encouragement and positivity in your life.

Good man! Well done.

Well done Crewlie ,it sounds like it was a lovely day and went the way you had wanted.
Look after yourself.

You sound like a wonderful husband. You're also going to make a wonderful grandfather.

Big hugs for the furture.
bunnyhop x

Hi crewlie
I hope you find some help from the advice already posted. I can't add anything I'm afraid but I wouldn't expect my wife to stand up and speak at my funeral. It's going to be a hard enough day as it is for you. And the rest of the days.

Edit: sorry I missed reading the last posts. Well done. Keep riding the bike buddy.

This kind of thread is what makes this place special,