[Closed] Sorry - toilet (non) etiquette = mental illness? Your thoughts gang

It had to be moored? 😯

get your hand down there, break it up, and flush.....

You could have taken it out, taken it home and burned it in your living room to keep you warm.

Double flusher and they couldn't be bothered waiting for the cistern to fill ??

Is it ridiculous to assume that someone launched this leviathan, chuckled and then left it moored for the next unsuspecting punter (me) while they went into another trap to clean down?

Sadly, no. The phenomenon you describe has occurred in our offices at least three times in the last two weeks...

This is your most convincing explanation, IMO, and a symptom of our broken society. 😀

😆

(Smug and happy that I only ever use my own toilet at home)

There was a (presumably) chap in one of my previous offices who kept leaving monsters but *sticking biros laterally through them* so that they couldn't possibly flush away. WT, and quite literally, F.

*sticking biros laterally through them*

Tea / keyboard coming together - followed by 'Ewwwwwwww'

[img] [/img]

?

Dirty phecker.

There was a (presumably) chap in one of my previous offices who kept leaving monsters but *sticking biros laterally through them* so that they couldn't possibly flush away. WT, and quite literally, F.

And I think with that, we may safely close the internet.

that's longitudinally, that. Think kids parties, mini sausages on cocktail sticks. Then change sausage for monster turd, and a single cocktail stick for half a dozen Bics.

[img] [/img]

Better?

Pics ?

I've never laid cable in such gargantuan proportions, what on earth does that do to one's choccy starfish 😯

Getting there. The pens/pencils need to protrude from both sides however.

[img] [/img]

AndyP - that looks like the rabies virus not a log festooned with ballpens!

Clearly it's not a photo of yer actual ballpoint-riddled effluvia, it's a Bacillus. It's merely more of an indication of the true item than the pencil-holding hedgehog thing above.

I've just re-found my love for STW. Can't beat a bit of toilet humour in the morning.

Some nice pics [url= http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sausage ]here[/url]

I particularly like the first one, entitled "which one are you?"

We had a phantom shi**er at our place a few years ago. Either it didnt go down or the U-bend looked like someone had been dragged down it.
Never really got to the bottom of the culprit.

My favourite is trap 2. Its in the middle always seems fresh first thing in the morning.

could we have a photo of it cradled in your arms like the front page of Angling Times, sub heading 'Ed lands a whopper'..

DezB - Member

(Smug and happy that I only ever use my own toilet at home)

Some of us have our own toilets at work, don't you know.

5 traps. 169 Geordies, Smoggies and Jocks from the mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging end of the social spectrum. Ok, I'm generalising massively, but you get the picture.

The work bog is not a happy place.

When i was a child i saw one in Crewe train station on top of the toilet lid. Someone had presumably put the seat and lid down, sat on the lid and done thier business and just left it there. It disturbed me. Saw one too in a basin type urinal in one if those Spanish toilets you see behind beach bars. There are some sick people around.

[i](Smug and happy that I only ever use my own toilet at home)
Where else would you use your own toilet??[/i]

As opposed to my wife's toilet, of course..

Annyway, what happened just now makes me wish I only did a no.1 in my own toilet at home too!
There's big mirrors in our bogs opposite the traps.. I walk in and get an eyeful of hairy arse - bloke is stood in trap 2, trousers down, with the bloody door wide open.
I didn't need that when I was feeling all smug about only using my own toilet at home. 😡

I saw a #2 laid out in a urinal in a pub in Barnsley once.

Couldn't believe somebody had reversed in and dropped one out in a effectively a (well lit)public area.

Never really got to the bottom of the culprit.

😆

Thing is though, what disturbs me further is that you never see and loo paper with such proudly left logs. That's even more disgusting I reckon.

Nervous pooer Dez? I had a bit of a problem with it as a yoof, successfully managed 5 years at secondary school (cant remember if I had an issue with it at primary) without ever gracing a school bog seat with my arse.
A more surprising feat was the annual week long camping trip in wales with the cubs/scouts. Chemical [s]toilet[/s] bucket? I don't think so, the midweek trip to the swimming pool* will suffice for me thankyou.

*proper toilets in the changing area obviously, no jokes about mars bars in the pool please.

Had the misfortune to use a public convenience once where someone had left one in a bread roll on the windowsill. Crowning glory was the addition of a lettuce leaf to garnish.

I didn't investigate whether there was any mayonnaise or ketchup.

Three possible answers:

Either the culprit removed said log from the pan, flushed the paper them replaced the evidence.

Removed the paper and disposed of it somewhere else.

OR

Brought the turd in with him from home.

If the last option is correct, don't accept a drink from anyone's flask for a while.

Back in my first year at Uni, someone pooed in a grill pan on one of the other floors in our halls. The kitchen was closed so eerything could be cleaned

those students and their jolly pranks, eh? 🙄

Is this what you call a coil shock?

Bloody 'ell D0NK - I'm glad you clarified things there. I thought you were going to float one out into the pool with gay abandon.

Rusty - I think my OP carries the explanation:

Is it ridiculous to assume that someone launched this leviathan, chuckled and then left it moored for the next unsuspecting punter (me) while they went into another trap to clean down?

Take it home for lunch

[img] [/img]

There was a (presumably) chap in one of my previous offices who kept leaving monsters but *sticking biros laterally through them* so that they couldn't possibly flush away. WT, and quite literally, F.

This is possibly one of the funniest things I've read on the internet 😆 Sounds like a man who takes pride in his work.

Rusty - I think my OP carries the explanation:

Is it ridiculous to assume that someone launched this leviathan, chuckled and then left it moored for the next unsuspecting punter (me) while they went into another trap to clean down?

Hmm, it's possible.

They could have frozen it at home years before though, then set it free at a time of their choosing.

when I was is poland last time, was staying in a hostel and there was a cubicle that had a huge log lying on the seat. someone must have actually had to stand on the seat and crouched to get it where it was. Also,, in the same toilet (different cubicle) someone had barfed into the toilet but must have also needed to evacuate the other end too as it had a turd of epic proportions dressing the puke. Nice!

My 2p is that it's not a submarine, it's a floater.

These will survive any number of repeated attempts to get rid of them and cheekily pop to the surface again just as you thought they'd gone.

One of the senior managers at a previous company I worked in resorted to trying a bucket of water on one that 'someone' had left behind. He was leaving the cubicle with the bucket, defeated, just as the MD of one of our biggest customers walked into the loo and headed for the same cubicle.

He didn't feel able to offer much of an explanation as to why he was leaving the toilets with a big bucket hand leaving a large turd floating in the pan but managed to blush everytime he met this MD for ever after.

d_s's list of places to visit:

[s]Poland[/s]

Mrs. S. used to work at a college where a security guard was found with a collection of turds in his locker.

He disconnected the "chain" in the ladies loos and then went back later to claim his prize(s). WTF?

My one and only visit to Glastonbury was in the early 90s. Managed to defer any bowel evacuation to the Sunday afternoon by which time the chemical toilet cubicle I chose had an almost perfectly conical mound of cider-driven poo protruding a good 12inches above the rim, to which someone had added the crowning glory of - I kid you not - half a walnut.

[i]Nervous pooer Dez?[/i]

Nope, just regular. Same time every morning 😛

Actually, to continue a fairly vile theme, whilst I worked at the same place as biro-man; we had a meeting in Frankfurt. They had those bog seats which rotate after flushing, passing through a little disinfection thingummy at the back of the unit. Said colleague, in his cups, thought it would be humorous to drop a Richard on the seat, then flush, and watch it get smeared into a fine layer over the entire seat.
Was he biro-man? Or just a bit manky when leathered. Were there two faecal deviants within same blue-chip Pharma department? Distressing thought. Hmmm..

The correct technical term for such an act is a crowdpleaser. A source of huge amounts of mirth. Notice the lack of toilet paper though.....

this kind of thing, if that makes no sense to some. [url=

You expect us to click that link AndyP?

This thread is crap.

Someone had to.

I've been researching this issue.

Apparently, floaters are the result of a meal high in fat.

They will not flush unless hit with something like what hit Boscastle. (thanks www).

I have put a purchasing req' in for 5 of these:

[img] [/img]

[i]You expect us to click that link AndyP? [/i] the link is merely a demonstration of revolving seat in action, sans-log.

Surely you'd be better off with this:

[img] [/img]

Or this

[img] [/img]

[edit] fingers too fat. For dialling wand, mash the keyboard now.

I have put a purchasing req' in for 5 of these:

[i]so after you've fished the offending log out of the pan what are you going to do with it? [/i]

parade it around the office and see who looks guilty?

When I was at college we had a phantom logger. On a daily basis leviathans (why do we only use that word in relationship to gigantic turds) were left creating a sense of wonder. Nobody, on our landing was owning up to the production of these monsters. We initiated turd watch. Eventually we identified the culprit. It was the American girlfriend of one of us. She was very attractive and petite, and we couldn't believe her bowels could contain the amount of matter required. We started discreetly (probably not) monitoring what she ate but found nothing out of the ordinary. I think the relationship came to an end because we gave her boyfriend no end of hassle about what he must be forcing into her!

[i]leviathans (why do we only use that word in relationship to gigantic turds)[/i]
Many a young lady has referred to my cock as a leviathan. It is pretty big, but I hand-reared it from an egg with the aid of steroids.

wwaswas - Member

so after you've fished the offending log out of the pan what are you going to do with it?

parade it around the office and see who looks guilty?

Like Cinderella and the glass slipper, but..............different.

Slightly OT, but...

Just returned back from the office toilets, where the guy in the cubicle next to mine ass-spluttered the 'incorrect' noise from Family Fortunes and s****ed. What's up with the world? 😐

My monster poos (laid down very rarely) are behemoths, not leviathans. 😳

ass-spluttered the 'incorrect' noise from Family Fortunes

Beautifully put Camo. My shoulders are going with contained laughter :P.

Sadly this sort of thing is all too common. My general rule is if a beast is left, especially with no paper then off with their heads! (To be clear the head of the perpetrator and not that of the beast itself.)

Something that bothers me is that there is constantly blood on almost every toilet in my place of work. I work out-of-hours and there are only about 12 of us in most shifts and there is blood on the seats or in the bowls of just about every male and female toilet in the place - WTF!

Also to add to the collection of turd-horror stories - I once saw a snake-stool curled up in a public cafe toilet with its head poking out over the seat. It's girth was like that of a python!

[i]there is blood on the seats or in the bowls of just about every male and female toilet in the place[/i]

do your colleagues not think it odd that you prowl the building at night visiting all the toilets for both genders?

littlei - perhaps some posters about prostate cancer and haemo...piles would be useful on your notice boards?

Or maybe one of your colleagues prepares his own halal meat?

Wwaswas - Oh no, I do my prowling very surreptitiously. And even if I didn't, I'm still slightly less weird than the bloody toilet decorators I work with.

Derek_starship - the halal toilet meat hypothesis isn't bad. If it is a widespread case of piles, cancer and so on that is one statistically unusual hotspot! Never know though!

I got to the picture of the sausage and had to stop reading. I am struggling to suppress the laughter, its a good job I don't need a wee. I am however getting very funny looks.

When my 4 year old son thrutches for a poo he leans forward on the bog seat, grips the edge of the bath with one hand, the door frame with the other and grits his teeth like the first monkey in space.

[img] [/img]

During my first year at university we had a phantom poo-er in our halls, every now and then someone would leave a floater that was almost the exact dimensions of a coke can. We never did find out who it was but suspected the posh ginger girl, this was on the (totally unfounded) basis that we all though she liked it 'up the davis' from well endowed gentlemen.

Thrutches - that's a good word Harry.

I used to do something similar when young right up until my parents commented on the amount of noise I was making (straining). They were decorating the hall outside the toilet and we had a curtain up for a door so I guess it was quite loud. Ever since then I've had a problem 'going' when there's someone else in the vicinity.

35 years later and I still have to concentrate when using the loo at work, and I shout at the missus if she tries to talk to me while going at home. Oddly though I can happily converse with my 2 year old when he lets himself in.

Not sure what point I'm trying to make, and thank god for the anonymity of the internet, other than be kind to your son as you never know what lasting damage you might do! I would also add that I'm quite normal other than that.

Someone coiled one out on the in-use dancefloor of the Golden Flamingo in Milton Keynes one night.

[i]Someone coiled one out on the in-use dancefloor[/i]

You want to produce something fairly firm under those circumstances - capable of finding it's own way down a trouser leg and to freedom without sticking.

Back while in Uni a mate of mine forgot about a snickers bar he'd had in his pocket all night. Since it was quite molten he wouldn't eat it and instead decided to massage it while still in the wrapper.

After a few minutes he pushed it out onto the middle of the tiled floor in the halls' gents.

I dread to think of what the cleaners thought.

Oh, just remembered, I did once poo down a chimney at a party. Had to get a mate to fetch toilet paper as I couldn't climb down with my troosers round my ankles. No idea on size though as it was the neighbours chimney, but I'd be surprised if it was larger than normal.

[i]You want to produce something fairly firm under those circumstances - capable of finding it's own way down a trouser leg and to freedom without sticking. [/i]
Not if you go prepared in a Great Escape stylee.

There has been a few "dirty protests" at my work.

Highlights were one left in the sink, one left on the floor and various deliberate smearings on the cubicle walls.

They have been spread (no pun intented) over a period of several years so one can only presume its the same individual who has never been caught. I'd be really worried if it turned out to be more than one person.

I work in a large office for a multinational IT company!

tonyd - I am almost imploding here trying not to laugh out loud at your chimney poo tale.

There's a chap who works in our manufacturing area (shop floor) who often lays a cable in his bog roll clad hand. He the proceeds to pass it under the gaps, left and right to show the "neighbours." It then goes back in the pan.

Perhaps he's an ex-coarse angler who misses parading his catch.

Talking about dirty protests, Mrs Nick used to work for a large food manufacturing co, supplying big supermarkets, these supermarkets audit the factories to make sure they are clean etc (normally for the purpose of pointing out petty things which they then use to hammer the supplier down on price....), the co being audited normally sends a scout 5 mins ahead of main party to check all is ok.

Somehow between the scout and main party checking the toilets some committed individual had smeared **** off <supermarketname> on the wall.

Oh how they laughed.

[i]There's a chap who works in our manufacturing area (shop floor) who often lays a cable in his bog roll clad hand. He the proceeds to pass it under the gaps, left and right to show the "neighbours." It then goes back in the pan.[/i]

would be SO much better with a bare hand. Half-hearted at best.

T

here's a chap who works in our manufacturing area (shop floor) who often lays a cable in his bog roll clad hand. He the proceeds to pass it under the gaps, left and right to show the "neighbours." It then goes back in the pan

Think I have it.

The chap in question is a quality inspector. He obviously prefers to oursource turd inspections as to inspect his own would be a busman's holiday.

Itried again to read this at work but just couldn't manage it. I have just been sitting here laughing out loud with Mrs A telling me to not be so silly.