[Closed] Soooo, you want to be a better person

Try not to let the crap others create affect you. It's not important.

If you must worry, try to only worry about things you can directly control.

Do a nice thing (however small) for someone else each day.

Read 'The Watercourse Way' and listen to what it tells you (whatever that might be)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tao:_The_Watercourse_Way

I've done one of these things, doing the other three I find not so easy, but I try...

Do things that make you smile, do things that make other people smile. Don't beat yourself up about your perceived failings, we're not perfect.

Really sorry about your mum, i've lost both my parents and it's shit, dig in and let people help you and grieve in your own way

+1 on the "Do a nice thing (however small) for someone else each day"

Not neccesarily in your case Nixie, just a general thing that .... generally works for me!

If the opportunity does not arise, or your busy, or you forget, or whatever, to do something nice for someone else, just do something nice for yourself each day. Good luck.

Start small, try to do something that doesn’t require any recipcrocal favour that is kind to someone.

Just try to be happy in yourself. If you're making yourself happy and generally not pissing other people off, you are a decent person.

Say please and thank you. Let drivers out of junctions when it busy. Give cyclists plenty of space. Just be nice.

Thanks all. Feeling a little better after some sleep. Five replies with the same suggestion makes that a good place to start. I could definitely put in more effort there. I think we could all do with some more smiles around here at the moment.

Worrying I try to avoid so easy to other think a problem and normally not that much you can do to influence it. I've considered doing something like mindfulness meditation I'm the past (though I'm very sceptical of that type of thing).

Exercise helps me a lot, though finding time at the moment to do enough to keepe happier is difficult (two young children as well as ill mother).

I do however always give cyclists acres of space 😁.

Do something to benefit others and expect no thanks. I walk rescue dogs regularly. Despite the claim I expect and get no thanks for it, the benefits to my sense of well being are enormous.

You don't need to be Ghandi, you just need to tip the balance in your favour.

If you think you've not got time to do something like that, I offer the advice a wise man once gave me.

Everyone should meditate for ten minutes a day. Those who don't have time to meditate of ten minutes, should meditate for twenty minutes instead.

Seek to understand others before commenting or reacting.

Hanlon's Razor - never attribute to malice what can adequately explained by stupidity.

What ads678 said.

Sorry about your mum.

After my father died I found some voluntary work. You will always find something to suit you and the time you're available to do it. Mine was becoming a walk leader for the local council.

I also joined the local WI group, which I'm guessing for you is not an option. However there will be many things you can do in your local community that can make a difference to the people that live in and around your area.

What ads678 said.+100

Went through a similar introspective period a few years ago (although without the mum having cancer, that's this year) and I found a lot of the advice up above helped.

I found the key was to simplify my life by making a few changes that had a big effect, maybe you can try some of these:

* Readdressed my work/life balance by going from a 5 day week to a 4 day but still doing full-time hours.  The extra day off is worth so much more than a few extra pounds in the paycheck.

* Teach yourself to only worry about the things you can influence.  If you have no say over something then why spend time thinking about it.

* Don't pack as much into a day as possible, allow for at least an hour of 'me time' each day for you to calm down and relax.

* Always treat people exactly how you would expect to be treated if you were them.

* Never be afraid to talk to a friend about how you're feeling.  A good friend will happily listen and help if they can.  If you find a friend who doesn't make time for you but expects you to make time for them then it's time to reassess that friendship.

* Try new things.  You may not like most of them but if you find something that makes you happier, even if it' only for a short while, then it's worth doing.

* Try to learn something new every day.  It can be a really trivial thing like what that unused setting on the washing machine does up to big bits of mind-blowing info, doesn't matter what.  It's the fact it keeps your brain active that matters.

Just a few things I found helpful.  Good luck with it and your mum's situation.

Some fantastic advice up above from a number of posters.

Id add to that by reinforcing that looking after yourself from a physical, intellectual and emotional/spiritual perspective is the absolute best thing you can to contribute to the world and the people you care about.

Of course you want to be a better person. Everyone can improve things about themselves. This is part of the journey of life, understanding one's self and finding ways to manage your emotions, behaviour and choices. The first step is to except that we are all at fault, that we all fail. To try and improve little things all the time but at the same time not ton e put off by failure.

Sorry about your mum, if you do half what they suggest up there you'll be twice the person you think you are.. Good Luck and by thinking it you're already halfway there.

Sorry about your mum. My mum just died yesterday from terminal cancer. Not sure if you have a family and kids or not, but for me, ploughing all my efforts into my family and kids and bringing up kids that I'm proud of is about the best thing anyone can do...pass on your values to the next generation and make them the best people they can be, and give them the best opportunities and support in life you can. It'll make you proud and would have made your mum proud of you and them.

Sorry to hear that OP, and my condolences W.

We can all be better people. The recognition of this, and the impulse to do something about it, means you've done most of the hard work already. Good luck.

set yourself some reasonable standards, then stick by them.

do what you feel is morally right.

a few years ago, i watched the kevin spacey movie 'k-pax' and the thing i remember from it is when the main character tells a psychiatrist that 'every being in this universe knows how to do what's right'

i firmly believe that.

don't worry about what other people think.

sorry to hear about your mum, it's a shit time of life when this happens.

OP, my condolences.

To echo some, do that nice thing every day.  Hold a door open, buy a beggar a bacon roll, help someone.  But also be introspective.  Spending a few minutes at the end of every day thinking about your day, what you did, how you reacted, and how you could change that if negative is a good practise in self awareness and allows you to spot negative traits and correct them in privacy, you don't need to tell any one.  Make the time, don't do anything else but sit and think - Stoicism by the way.

This book:   https://www.amazon.com/Essentialism-Disciplined-Pursuit-Greg-McKeown-ebook/dp/B00G1J1D28 is excellent.  You don't need to do it all but it does provide a practical guide on selflessness and is thought provoking about our own actions, its easy to read and re-read and just generally having around.

And finally, how about reaching out for some CBT?  I've had some recently for Flying issues, but its general content - identifying negative traits, accepting lifes challenges and dealing with them have been easy for me to apply to other areas of my life and make an improvement.  I'm happier as a result of all three of the above.

Good luck.

Sorry to hear that wobbliscott. I can imagine how crap you must be feeling right now :(.

I do have family yes with two young daughters, the eldest of which is very close to her grandma. Helping them through this is going to be taking a huge amount of my efforts for a while I think.

Thanks all for the responses and advice. There is a lot there to think about, much more than I expected to come from the thread.Just realising that I'm not the only one to have come to this point is also useful. Some of the suggestions should be relatively easy to incorporate into daily life so at the moment I'm thinking making those changes would be a good immediate goal. The comment about tipping the balance succinctly reflects my feelings and what I want to achieve.

<span style="font-size: 0.8rem;">I'm lucky enough that I will shortly be dropping to four days a week having Wednesday's off with our youngest which is a definite nice change to my work/life balance.</span>

Longer term I do want to look into volunteering somehow. I think one of the underlying causes of my unhappiness is that I don't feel like I contribute sufficiently to society as a whole. I'd love to join something like the RLNI or local mountain rescue team however Southampton has neither.

https://www.southamptonvs.org.uk/volunteering/volunteering-opportunities/

There's an emergency community first responder on there, as well as others.

Sorry to hear about your mum, that sounds like a shitty place to exist at the moment.

I've read through the replies on this thread a few times now and been sitting here thinking about my own life.

I class my self a quite a selfless person, from small things like making all the brews at work every day without being asked or expecting it in return, to bigger things like giving gifts or helping people out with bike parts/fixing or financial.

The one thing I have realised recently though is that I think I suffer from social anxiety slightly. And if a friend lets me down with something trivial, I take it really personally and start spiraling and thinking stupid things about reasons why etc.

I tend to worry about people I care about too and some of them don't invest half of the time giving a shit about me, then I spiral again!

The comment about reassessing friendships is the one that struck me the most. My two best friends are my Wife and another we're both goods friends with. They are always there for me and sometimes I lose sight of that worrying about others that don't care enough to even respond to a text message.

So in short, the OP has actually helped me by starting this thread. I'd chalk that down to a positive. I know it's a bit of a ramble, but it's nice to talk to strangers about things sometimes 🙂

Thoughts are with everyone dealing with this kind of thing ATM.

This has been quite an inspirational thread.

Cheers folks.

Johnw1984, I'm glad it has been of use for someone else as well. It's certainly good to talk to strangers, the annomity in this case has certainly helped me. Dispite the bickering that threads often descend into its great to see the contrasting and informative responses that threads like this recieve. Thank you all.