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My 19yo son's 19yo GF is threatening suicide. They met at their 1st yr of university which has just finished. We live in London while she lives in the Midlands.
Her parents, particularly her Mother, is emotionally, physically and financially abusing her daughter who seems to have reached her limit. She's very clever but her mental health is in tatters and is calling my son and placing enormous emotional pressure on him - breaking up with him, then calling him and saying she has everything she needs to kill herself. She has no friends or family where she is living. I have said she can come and stay with us and have offered to gift her some money to reduce one of her pressures - she says she wants neither.
What can I do? My number one priority is my son who is extremely stressed.
Thank you.
Tough one, don't want to fob it off as attention seeking, especially as not local where could pop round. I'd let local constabulary know, especially that she is stating has plans in place, they can do a welfare check.
If she is threatening suicide right now you need to call the police on 999.
This sounds daunting but they can help her get to safety and will start the ball rolling with help.
So sorry to hear this. There should be a 24/7 mental health helpline to support those experiencing a crisis everywhere in England. They also provide support and advice to those supporting Google 24/7 helpline in g/f area and you'll hopefully find it. Please encourage your son to call even if his g/f doesn't want to. They will provide details of places to get support and also will advise a&e or police welfare check if needed. NHS111 can also help. If necessary you can call police yourself to do a welfare check but do try helpline first. Hope this helps.
Thanks both. One thing I should have said is that her Father, who seems completely under the control of his wife, is ex-military, ex-police and is now a paramedic in the local area. Previously he did not engage and is now berating his daughter asking her why she cries all the time and that she should be more resilient.
Sounds like an utterly toxic environment for her, she needs help, empathy and understanding
Try the Samaritans, more info here:
https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/if-youre-worried-about-someone-else/
Good luck and hope she gets the help she needs.
All very helpful recommendations. Thank you.
Samaritons absolutely.
I live with a samaritan and that is what they are there for.
Does your son know any of her friends? Can he contact someone to contact her and get out for a chat?
Maybe try and get you son to try again at getting her to come to yours just so she can get away from that environment for a break and gather her thoughts.
I had similar with my son not so long ago, we were sooo pleased that his GF's mum came to speak to us about him. He's only 13 though so maybe not the same. He's getting ok now, we and very deep open conversations with him and contacted someone at school that he's spoken to. After a few months she split up with him, but TBH I think that was actually a good thing.
Maybe see if there is any at uni that she could speak to.
Sounds like she comes from a toxic family. Manipulative mother, emotionally cold 'hard' father. Nasty combination.
Be there for support, offer help, but ultimately it will be her decision to get away from it all.
You clearly need rapid intervention, but universities are taking a lot of interest in their students' mental health. Have a look at what longer term support is on offer from the university.
As an alternative to Samaritans, perhaps you could contact Papyrus
They specialise in preventing suicide in young people.
I have said I'm happy to help you to everyone who has threatened to commit suicide.
they are all still alive 30 years later
The only person who actually did about 6 months ago never said anything to anyone
The University will have systems in place. If they won't contact the university you can contact them and give them her details and a description of the issue. They will then have a duty to contact her to make sure she is ok. Due to GDPR they won't be able to give you any information about her but it doesn't stop you telling them.
For example
https://students.sheffield.ac.uk/ssid/contacts/emergency
She needs a safe space to be away from what’s stressing her (and in fairness you have offered for her to stay with you) I’d perhaps offer some counselling sessions (range from £30 - £60 an hour) the goal being so she can get away from the problem and then start to work through her feelings as they seem to be overwhelming her at the moment and so she just wants out.
However she is an adult woman and is ultimately responsible for her own life, if she keeps declining offers of help but threatens your son that simply isn’t fair and a form of emotional manipulation on her part, you son is not responsible for her life and I imagine it is very tough for him being in this situation, I’m sure he feels afraid, I know I did when I was in a similar situation. If all offers of help are declined and she refuses to recognise her own behaviour then the best way is to end all contact as she will take your son down with her.
As others have said, the Uni may have something set up as my wife works for a company that provides these services for Universities. If you let me know where they study I will see if she has them on her books and if she can point you in the right direction?
I feel for this poor girl but you should be aware that threats of suicide can be considered a form of coercive control.
Best of luck in this horrid situation. I really feel for you and your son, as well as his girlfriend.
First thing is to get your son some help. He can’t be the one left holding this. You can only do so much, but pointing him in some of the directions above will be the first step. That will allow him to see what is actually going on, and where/how much he can help.
You can also help by doing some of this with him, not for him. It is important to be a parent and an ally, but neither of you can “fix” this. You can both offer help, but the gf is the one with the ability to help herself, or ask for help, even if she is not in a place to see that.
Been in a similar situation and looking after myself first was the only way I then offer help.
The issues with her mom will be long term and difficult to intervene. I'd give her money and ask her to not contact your son anymore. Better to stay away else you'll get sucked into the whole dráma.
Cold I know but I've had experience of similar people and situations.
Are they still together? If so maybe suggest paying for a holiday for them for a week or two, to give her an opportunity to break from her current toxic environment - maybe that would give her a chance to see the situation more clearly and reach out for help. Ofc that could backfire if she just continues her current behaviour for the duration of the holiday...