[Closed] Someone is trying to cop off with my wife, advice please.

Kettle's on if anyone wants a cuppa...

Why not go round and have a chat with his wife about it?

😈

sounds like a HR issue...

Casually mention that as you know about it, maybe his wife should know too?

Biscuits?

And no, no photos.

[img] [/img]

I will happily loan you some bombers.

Be livid if it were me.......

Sensible (boring) hat on ...... HR grievance.

@Dave: do you have biscuits?

iDave, shall I bring the biscuits?? Chocolate Hob Nob perhaps??

Mrs P had this a few years back - she told HR and it turned out she wasn't the first subject of Lothario's attention, he had already been given a formal warning and that was the final straw. Sorted.

OK I'll say it - are you sure your wife is telling the truth ?

If you are, then he needs to see a doctor about his delusions.

And your wife needs to lay a complaint with HR and get him moved to another job.

What does your wife want to do?

I'd be livid in your shoes.

From a HR point of view has he done anything wrong, he is not actually harassing her?

I'm most angry about the fact that he has upset her. I don't have a problem with him 'having a crush' on her (I take that as a compliment) but to actually hope and expect that it will go further is where the line has been crossed

Must the "Works Christmas Party" season again then !!

Tell him to back off otherwise you will both be round together, for a chat with his wife.

Consensus on a recent thread along these lines was that headbutting's the answer

The board was weak on the question of how to administer the headbutt, however

he has done some work for us around the house

Have you checked for hidden cameras?

[img] [/img]

I would introduce him to some of Mr Marzocchi's finest (not the '08 Chinese rubbish).

A guy my wife works with has just taken good natured banter a bit too far and told her that he is ‘crazy’ about her, he thought she felt the same. Apparently he was waiting for the nod from her at which point he was going to leave his wife and four kids, my wife was going to leave me and our three kids and they were going to elope together to a life of blissful happiness!!

Sorry to play devil's advocate or whatever, but how was your wife behaving towards him that made him feel that this was on the cards? What is 'good natured banter'?
You don't just 'leave your wife & kids' because someone says hello to you at the water cooler?

Unless, perhaps, he is a bit emotionally insecure/has relationship issues?? You say you know him? How does he come across??

OK I'll say it - are you sure your wife is telling the truth ?

Yep, 100%.

Sounds like you should take-stock for a minute and think about the positives from this. It sounds like your wife has told this guy to do one. That means that as far as your security is concerned you're in a good position and should use this to get even closer to her. On the flip side it sounds like he has taken a massive gamble, its blown up in his face and he now has nowhere to go!

If I were you I would be doing what you're doing and expressing your anger at what he has done, and also asking him to consider what his wife and kids will think when you tell them!?!

sensible - HR. If a small company with no HR etc etc then ACAS can help.

emotive (bithcy) - go and say hello to his missus and explain

emoptive (viscious) swift left knee to the right plum

jhw - Member
The board was weak on the question of how to administer the headbutt, however

Electronically over the internet via an IT sub-contractor, presumably?

Sorry to play devil's advocate or whatever, but how was your wife behaving towards him that made him feel that this was on the cards? What is 'good natured banter'?
You don't just 'leave your wife & kids' because someone says hello to you at the water cooler?

Unless, perhaps, he is a bit emotionally insecure/has relationship issues?? You say you know him? How does he come across??

Maybe you are right, but if that was the case it would have been entirely unintentional.

I do know him, he comes accross as a bit of a wide boy. we know that he has had at least one affair.

Your name is Frank Sinatra, I believe you should know people who solve such problems.

Oooohhh fresh coffee..YumYum

Not wanting to belittle your situation but it's quite simple.

Get wifie to tell him to "bergerowf" and tell her to chat in confidence to HR.

No, no sugar, single espresso only this time of day ta.

Has to go one of two ways, the most rational is to talk to HR, I would of thought that was crossing the line.

The second way is to threaten telling his wife. I'm getting angry just thinking about it god knows what you're like. I'd of gone straight round for a chat though, no messing, he's bang out of order especially if you know him relatively well.

What does your wife want you to do?

believe you should know people who solve such problems.

As a keyboard warrier, I do

But in real the real world, I avoid any sort of physical confrontation, it scares me.....

Strongly worded text message? I would call him up and tell him to f*ck off. If that didn't get the message across, I would go and see him in person.

Switched the urn on for the lunchtime crowd.

As above, why would he think what he thought just because of banter?

Banter about what - "did you see Corrie last night" or "my husbands a moron, i wish he was more like you" kind of banter?

headbutt... administered by holding his shoulders and aiming for the bridge of his nose..

Can't feel nice though dude. 🙁

A mate has done the dirty recently too, left his Mrs & 2 kids, to bunk up with a lady from work, she has left her hubby & 2 kids.

Quite messy breakup, police called one night after his new home was targeted with paint and nasty slogans scratched on his car....

& now he is moaning on the phone to me, that his new lady friend is a psyco, 'why are you late, who phoned you, you having an afair, I dont trust you'

Wants to leave his job and new mrs now! only two weeks into the new relationship!

Guess the grass is not any greener on the other side of the fence, more a tin gloss white paint actually 😉

Sad, very sad for everyone involved, poor, poor kids!

Get your wife to tell the bloke that either he can arrange it himself that they won't have to work together any more, or she can go to HR and tell them the whole sorry story.

I had similar with Mrs Lunge a while ago, a work guy had made a move and had been suitable rebuffed by her.

We decided the best course of action was when we all went out for a work gathering we made sure he knew how much great "bed time" we were having and what we were going to do when we got home. We then made sure everyone in thr group knew why he was looking so interested initially and then very uncomfortable.

We do realise this is not the most mature way of dealing with it but it seemed to do the trick on this occasion.

Editted to add that we are a pretty relaxed couple and both found the whole episode hilarious.

From a HR point of view has he done anything wrong, he is not actually harassing her?

I'm most angry about the fact that he has upset her. I don't have a problem with him 'having a crush' on her (I take that as a compliment) but to actually hope and expect that it will go further is where the line has been crossed

It [i]is[/i] harassment. If he's upset her, he [i]has[/i] clearly overstepped the line. It's not a compliment, it's **** creepy and you [i]should[/i] have a problem with it. Don't give this guy the benefit of any doubt, that's not what you're there for, support your wife.

Yep, 100%.

If that's right, then you don't need to do anything!

Your Mrs has come home and told you so I'm inclined to agree that she wasn't planning on eloping.

The best way to settle this therefore is to post a picture of your wife on here.

Sounds like sexual harassment, if your wife wants rid of him.
some good advice [url= http://www.safeworkers.co.uk/sexualharassmentwork.html ]here[/url]

[i]I have sent him a strongly worded text telling him to back off[/i]

Made me laugh!

As a keyboard warrier, I do

But in real the real world, I avoid any sort of physical confrontation, it scares me.....

I've just read this. He obviously knows this, hence the reason for him taking the piss.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but this is a case of MTFU. Someone is cracking onto your wife.

Given that...

I’m not for a second thinking that the feelings are mutual! I don’t have any concerns about this going anywhere with Mrs S (she reassured me quite convincingly last night……..)

Just forget about it. You obviously have an attractive wife that other men desire, that isn't going to change by you going caveman on him. I assume she's put him straight by telling him that he got the wrong end of the stick and whilst flattered she is very happily married and has no plans for any extra marital shenanigans. If he mentioned it even once more then she should get HR involved and have him spoken to but even then I don't think you should get involved beyond supporting your wife in whatever course of action she decides to take. Any involvement from you beyond that just undermines your wife and her ability to deal with herself in her workplace.

This would never have happened if you were a real man and didn't need to invite "wideboy" round to your house to deal with the issues you were incapable of.

More constructively, whilst your wife feels awkward, I can only assume he feels even more so (unless he is mentally not all together or still hasn't got the message). In which case the problem should sort itself out when either (a) he leaves to work elsewhere (or goes off with "stress") or (b) he tops himself.

What's his wife look like?

..double post..

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but this is a case of MTFU. Someone is cracking onto your wife

I have to say I agree with this......

If it makes any difference, she works out of hours shifts and he is a driver. He therefore has to drive her around in the middle of the night, not a great environment to be in when somebody has been trying to crack on to you...

Yep go crazy - your wife will be watching

Definitely don't just let this go...

A person where I work had a similar problem with his wife. His solution was one morning whilst this man was at work to have a skip dropped off on his driveway then in the afternoon have someone fill it with concrete. He then sent a short back off text to the Romeo, job done wife had no more problems.

Coffeequeen gets hit on at work from time to time, though not from anyone I know more than to nod at. Down to the point where she's felt a bit threatened at times. I've offered to return the feeling of threat once or twice but she generally doesn't want the fuss and generally it's not been an issue as her work is fairly short term durations and she gets to move on. If in your situation I'd be seriously miffed but also mildly concerned about how anyone can get that sort of misleading info from someone who is apparently happily married. I'd not be overly happy with my other half if she were giving out those signals (banter or not) to that sort of extent (I can cope with banter!), but if it's been totally misinterpreted then all you can do is be glad she's not interested and has told you!

Not much you can do, life's full of weirdos and sometimes it's awkward.

If it makes any difference, she works out of hours shifts and he is a driver. He therefore has to drive her around in the middle of the night, not a great environment to be in when somebody has been trying to crack on to you...

In that situation I'd be reporting it to a more senior staff member to ensure someone knows what's going on, maybe another driver is available.

You could ask your wife what she would like you to do. This is assuming she's all growed up and might be able to handle this herself

Your wife clearly loves and trusts you so no issues there. He has a stupid crush on her that is his problem . Unless you go out with a repellent sociopath some one else somewhere will fancy them as well.

the real problem is if he makes your wife uncomfortable in which case this :-
"Get your wife to tell the bloke that either he can arrange it himself that they won't have to work together any more, or she can go to HR and tell them the whole sorry story."

You have done enough with the text he now knows you know and has no doubt needed a change of underwear .

why is this an HR issue? if he genuinely thought that the sentiment was reciprocated, how is it harrassment?
.
I'd offer to have a chat with him in a neutral place, along with your wife so that he knows where the land lies - coming from the both of you it will show that you and your wife are solid and quash any delusions that he has. keep it calm, but firm - he needs to feel bad and intimidated without you getting angry.

why is this an HR issue? if he genuinely thought that the sentiment was reciprocated, how is it harrassment?

It's not. But the continued workplace discomfort is I guess.

Wow. This thread went from "neanderthal" to "all grown up" in only two pages.

I'd assume that the guy feels mortified by the whole situation. Best course of action would be for your wife to suggest that they come to some arrangement whereby they are not working together. That might mean he has to broach it with HR. She should threaten to do that if he doesn't.

Personally I dont think there's much you can do some blokes are just like this little things just start to mount up to big things in their head.

Ie small smile = she likes me
big smile = she loves me
etc etc

He's obviously not happy with his wife so I feel a bit sorry for him.

I'd say your wife has two choices

1 official route ie report to HR etc.
2 be very unfriendly to him and I mean very almost every word would need to be rude or passive aggressive.

I dont think there's anything you can do, because if he has got to the stage where he think your wife might be considering running off with him he is not thinking straight.

Ie you meet up tell him to lay off threateningly, in his mind will = you stopping wife and him eloping through violence your probably an abuse husband etc etc.

Im guess route 1 would be the best option. Or maybe route 2 with you being present but not saying much.

Given the extra information about their work patterns I would be advising her to mention the situation to HR and make sure they have a word and let him know that the subject is absolutely off limits from now on at the very least. Ideally try and rearrange drivers/shift patterns so that their paths do not cross any more than is absolutely necessary.

I dont think there's anything you can do, because if he has got to the stage where he think your wife might be considering running off with him he is not thinking straight.

Depends what his wife has been saying, then backed off when she realised it has gone too far...

Z-11. You've missed a bit. Mrs Sinatra has to be running along behind him, shouting "[b]LEAVE IT FRANK, EEES NOT WORTH IT!!!!!![/b]"

Ultimately though, not of that is going to have the same bone-chilling effect as a strongly worded text. 😀

She needs to handle this. She firmly tells him 'no'.

If he continues she puts in a complaint with HR. As the firm no then pressing the matter IS harassment.

Its unwanted attention.

PLEASE don't read anything undue into this OP but is/was there a fling involved? Its an enormous leap to suddenly go to 'I want to ditch my own wife and 3kids for you' from office friendship isn't it? Your wife needs to be totally honest and upfront and you need to calm down alittle. IF there was something (and it was harmless) HR wont be too happy.

Hmmmm Try and sort this out without violence and without work being involved.

😆 @ Zulu-Eleven

Its not big or clever but I would follow Zulu-Elevens advice.

+1 for, is his wife a looker?

I am sorry but I would find it difficult to believe that my wife didnt do at least something to bring this about.

Z11's advice win's it for me too.

Please tell me she the bloke she works with is FatSimon?

am sorry but I would find it difficult to believe that my wife didnt do at least something to bring this about.

Sorry that you feel like that about your wife. I trust mine.

Thanks for all the advice so far, quite liking the Z11 suggestion.

Everyone here assumes that the predatory man is mentally well and acting rationally. If he isn't, all rational thought processes may no longer apply.......

I am sorry but I would find it difficult to believe that my wife didnt do at least something to bring this about.

I can. Sometimes, people just read things wrong. It’s actually very easy to see how it happens – you can have a well-adjusted person who’s very comfortable in having friendships/friendly banter with people of the opposite sex, who just sees the other person as a [i]person[/i], then you have the slightly more awkward people who always see someone of the opposite sex as a potential mate or sexual object, who completely misread the most innocent of interactions as flirting and are incapable of having friends of the opposite sex because of that.

I’d recommend that Mrs Sinatra tells HR informally of the situation and that she’s not entirely comfortable with working with him, and to investigate whether there’s any possibility of having his or her hours changed so they don't come into contact. If he persists in being a weirdo, take it to HR formally.

franksinatra it wasn't for a rise, accusation or 'internet fun'. I queried why a bloke would suddenly jump to that page. It could very well be that he also has children/great connection on a work level etc and hes just misread signals. However thats a big leap.

Possibly hes going through a crisis and behaving erratically. Your wife is goodlooking/lovely person and hes doing that American Beauty/Kevin Spacey character.

IF he approaches your wife again, give him a call and reason saying 'look you are effecting our homelife, how would you feel if your wife was to find out the same? It wouldn't be fair would it but do you see what you are putting us through here'? (Its a subtle threat but the threat is there).

How would I react if it was me? You've shown commendable restrain so far. I'd like to think I would be the same.

On another level, you've got a looker for a missus

Is this how you ended up with all the restraining orders Hora?

I’d recommend that Mrs Sinatra tells HR informally of the situation

Might be a good idea. And make sure she videos it so we can see the blood drain from the poor HR person's face as she explains the situation.

...but I guess at least they would be primed incase something was to suddenly blow up or the fella became vindictive and made accusations about work/complained about her quality of work.

At least they could see a pattern/where it came from.

If it makes any difference, she works out of hours shifts and he is a driver. He therefore has to drive her around in the middle of the night, not a great environment to be in when somebody has been trying to crack on to you...

After this piece of additional info, Immagonna call troll.

Your wife needs to talk to HR, NOT get the other man to request a move.
HR will give more credence to the first party to speak to them, and her version of what has happened must be reported first. Do not trust this scumbag to admit to anything, he will lie to protect himself at work as he does at home and work will become (at best) a lot more complicated for her.
From what has been said, these comments and suggestions were unwanted and unwarranted, and constitute harrassement. Your wife must complain strongly and ensure she is not being driven about after dark by a delusional pervert who thinks she would give up everything to be with him. He has previous and can not be trusted.
She has nothing to lose by making a formal complaint but everything if she does not. After what has happened, if your wife does not do this then you need to question whether there is some part of the story you do not yet know about.

you need to engineer a situation where he has to explain to HIS wife what has happened...recently saw this happen with a guy i know (not me) who got very drunk on a night out and tried to feel up one of the other female staff.

Monday morning she makes a formal complaint and it turns out its not his first strike, guy gets dismissed for Gross mis-conduct and then has to go home and explain to his wife why he doesnt have a job any more

so you need to sort something that his wife will notice and then she will start asking questions

This thread means nothing without pictures!!!

loum, well put and good call.

Can I ask what your wife does for a living and why she is being driven around, after dark, by a man?

Wow. This thread went from "neanderthal" to "all grown up" in only two pages.

I'd assume that the guy feels mortified by the whole situation. Best course of action would be for your wife to suggest that they come to some arrangement whereby they are not working together. That might mean he has to broach it with HR. She should threaten to do that if he doesn't.

Or maybe you could think of how you could come to some amicable arrangement for all involved. Perhaps offer you wife the opportunity of a spit roast for her birthday or Christmas

I can. Sometimes, people just read things wrong. It’s actually very easy to see how it happens – you can have a well-adjusted person who’s very comfortable in having friendships/friendly banter with people of the opposite sex, who just sees the other person as a person, then you have the slightly more awkward people who always see someone of the opposite sex as a potential mate or sexual object, who completely misread the most innocent of interactions as flirting and are incapable of having friends of the opposite sex because of that

Pretty harsh accessment that. I basically agree with you but for different reasons. This is more how I'd see it

You can have a well-adjusted person who always see someone of the opposite sex as a potential mate but because of their good social skills its not obvious and they are good at reading signals so they quickly realise its better to just be friends.

Then you have the slightly more awkward people who always see someone of the opposite sex as a potential mate, who completely misread the most innocent of interactions as flirting and just wish the other person would make it clear they are not interested so they can just be friends.

Then again any type of person can occasionally fall in lust/love/obsession and act totally un-rationally and out of character for a period of time.

Perhaps offer you wife the opportunity of a spit roast for her birthday or Christmas

Is that what you would like to "receive" as a gift?
If so, you have gone into orbit in my estimation.

Can I ask what your wife does for a living and why she is being driven around, after dark, by a man?

Works for NHS, has to go out and see patients