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i'm hoping with the wealth of knowledge and experience on here some advice may be forthcoming.
i've suffered with pretty bad anxiety since I was 19 years old (now 34), particularly social anxiety. The consequence of that is depression which all came to a head about 4 years ago whereby my coping mechanisms completely failed and I had a breakdown and spent the best part of a fortnight lying in my bed genuinely terrified to leave the room let alone the house. Thankfully as a result of some therapy and antidepressant/anti anxiety pills (which have worked reasonably well for me) i am functioning much better. Far from perfect but better none the less.
my motivation for functioning aside from the therapy/tablets is my 3 year old son, who like most parents, is the centre of my world. However, my anxiety and social anxiety is interfering with the dad i want to be. I still suffer tremendously with any social situation, sofar as I have created employment for myself where contact with people is almost none existent. Being self employed I am more or less a stay at home dad/house husband and am fully aware of how lucky i am to spend my week days with my boy.
Anyway, my fear is that I am not being the dad i want/should/am expected to be. I could quite happily spend my days hidden away from the world but that is no way to introduce a toddler into being a confident and social human being and though I force myself to go out with him amongst other people and do things beyond the walls of my property I definitely don't do it enough and still do my level best to avoid the most social situations and interactions. My fear is that I'm not giving him the 'social' life he should have. He has started nursery now which he's really loving and is a major relief for me.
Essentially my fear is that my social anxiety is impacting on him in some way and as a result of my fear about that my anxiety is slowly worsening so it's just a a vicious cycle. I have days when I wish I wasn't a dad, not because I don't love him more than anything, but because the endless and overwhelming sense of pressure to 'get it right' and give him the best possible life is almost too much to bear.
Sorry for the long ramble but i'd appreciate some points of view from other parents who've done it for longer or on more occasions and those who deal with anxiety too. Any points of view appreciated.
Sounds like you’re doing a good job so far. Just keep it up and try your best.
No matter what you do you’ll be his hero for a few years, then an embarrassment, then he’ll think you’re a prick and want to fight you, then he’ll pretend you don’t exist for a few years while pillaging your resources.
Eventually, he’ll move out and start asking your advice on stuff when he realises he doesn’t actually know everything.
One day, he’ll have kids of his own and look back and realise that you were a good guy who was trying his best and he’ll love you all the more for it.
Im not a parent, but I just went through 3 years of hell including a trip to the mental hospital against my will. Basically, I now know how it feels to be utterly terrified all the time, for months on end. Thankfully I'm coming out of the other side now and having to cope with the devastation and loss that has been left behind by my inability to function on any level at all for such a long time.
Anyway, I would first of all suggest that you don't need to worry too much about your son being socially deprived because of your own fears. As far as I can tell, most kids get their social interaction from mixing with other kids at nursery, clubs, school etc. So long as you have the strength to physically get him to where he needs to be (until he can to it under his own steam) then Id say that about all you need to do.
Good luck with it, and remember you've already done really well in life despite your anxiety - way better than many will ever do. Eg you have managed to create an income by working from home (so many would love to do that!), you've managed to meet a partner and actually produce a child together. Again, that's a bigger deal than you might give yourself credit for.
A parting word about the medication. Get off it as soon as you can. I am not anti-medication, and it has certainly helped me out of some dark places. But there's no doubt in my own mind that one of the biggest factors in my own downfall, was taking drugs for years (on GP's insistence). They are great to get you out of a hole, but they don't "fix" anything at all IMHO. You need to change your life and your own mindset if you ever want to get better long term. If you rely on the drugs, sooner or later they either stop working, or cause some other kind of problems.
My suggestion is to exercise like a madman, as much as you can, and keep doing it. Bikes being the ideal choice!
I can't speak to the anxiety side as such, but with 4 young kids I can assure you that worrying you are doing the right thing for them is very normal.
Nursery, school, making friends are great for them but emotionally you go through it all with them, especially if you are the main carer.
Sounds like you are doing a brilliant job of raising him though, so do not beat yourself up over it !
I understand your concerns exactly. I decided I wouldn't pretend to be something I wasn't ,as my partner is very outgoing and confident, whereas I'm not. So she does most of the social engagement management. I put out the bins. ha.
Hopefully through nursery/playdates* etc you can meet some parents that you get on with...we did luckily - and have some good friends out of it..
Our's is now at school and sometimes pick up is difficult for me as I struggle to do "Chat" with the other parents.
*had one or two playdates that have been excruciating due to my social incompatibility .
I can't advise on anxiety but with regard to 'getting it right', you already are, you love him.
With regards to his social development, would getting another child round your house for a play date work? I appreciate having the other parent to deal with would prove hard for you but if it's in your own house would this be at least a little more comfortable. Overall though, kids are incredibly resilient and get on with life just fine, more than we give them credit for.
Thanks everyone for the wise words. I guess it's hard when you are bombarded with advice on the things you should be doing with your children. You constantly get the impression that if you aren't doing XYZ you are failing, i do my level best to avoid parenting advice books, websites, social media etc but it still creeps in.
no doubt that feeling is the same for all parents but as has been said previously I find it very hard to pretend to be something i'm not for the sake of my son. And forcing myself into overtly social situations won't do me any good and i guess in turn, do my son any good.
Like so many say; parenting really is the toughest thing you can do.
Read Susan Cain's Quiet and perused the website?