So when you need to offload... Who do you actually talk to?

I'd offload to my wife. I guess I see that as a basic premise of being married. I can understand there are times that this could be seen as a problem (my wife has recently being dealing with the death of her mother and her own breast cancer) but I still think it's the best option.

Here?

One of my exes used to dump all her RARGH! into Notepad, then just delete it. Sometimes you can 'talk' without actually needing to be heard by anyone. It worked for her, might not work for someone else.

https://andysmanclub.co.uk/
RM.

I have an awesome group of friends... but they have all got our own c**p to deal with

This is true and it's great that you recognise it. It's all too easy to fall into a trap of thinking that everyone else's life is unicorns and cream cake. Doubly so with the proliferation of social media where people can present whatever fairy dust facade they choose.

But... how do you know about their crap? Who do they offload to? Having awesome friends is a two-way process, if you're listening to their shit then then can listen to yours.

I dump most of my stuff down the pub with/on my friends. Easier for them to help deal with stuff that no one can solve like work issues. No point in putting difficult 3rd party problems into a relationship? My friends can sympathise and suggest solutions then forget about it. My other half can't forget about it as easily. I'm lucky I don't have that many problems.

But… how do you know about their crap? Who do they offload to? Having awesome friends is a two-way process, if you’re listening to their shit then then can listen to yours.

100% this. Offloading is a mutual activity. I've got a couple of local friends I ride with (mainly individually) at chatting pace. On a bike there's no-one listening in and going silent for a while isn't seen as strange.

Also my work-wife (the job I do we work in pairs), we've both had to drag each other back from some low points over the past couple of years.

Just because your friends have their own crap going on doesn't mean they won't want or be able to listen to you. You know that no one can tell you that everything will be fine, but its understandable to want that when feeling stressed and vulnerable, and sometimes talking things through with someone else can help put things in a different perspective. I'm lucky to have a very supportive partner , but I've leant on friends and professionals in the past. I don't understand your worry about insurance, if you need some help for your mental well being, get it. We all need help sometimes, hope you find yours soon

I'm a bit confused / concerned by the statement "professional help – but that goes on record and can affect insurance policies etc"

Who's / what record? It's private and confidential going to a counsellor or life coach or whatever and there isn't any reason for it to be 'recorded'. Certainly insurers wouldn't know about anything unless someone declares a diagnosed condition?

Anyway I vote for speaking to your wife, and chatting with friends (it's not a burden, friendship is two way), but also seeing what private counselling services are available in your area.

Speak to your mates, no matter how big their problems, the great thing about listening to someone else's problems is it takes your mind off your own...

I don't. I just kinda get on with it. I find it all a bit weird. Back in my 20s maybe 30s I would have, but I'm a big boy now so it just goes on in my head.

Most people here seem to off-load on the forum 🙂

Which is probably as good as anywhere, better than sitting by yourself with a crate of beer for sure.

I'm sat on a train, which I don't normally do. It seems talking loudly on your phone and telling the whole carriage is one way to do it. Or drinking at 10am...

No one is the honest simple answer.

I've had so much happen and going on I don't want to burden anyone else with my issues so just try my best to get on with things. And I think people just switch off after a while.

I have however vented and offloaded here and have had and still get a tremendous amount of support. I've found that helps a great deal. Try not to do it as much now though as I'm sure most people have had enough of my doom and gloom by now. But pretty much everyone knows everything by now anyway.

But that being said, I do have a lot of people talk to me and I offer advice and help if I can in any way. I'm happy to listen if you need a chat or vent or whatever. And like I've said before, that's open to anyone else too.

My wife and close friends. They do the same… I also use the ‘Notes’ ios app when I am on my own.

If you unload your problems on anyone, the old 50:50 rule still applies. Half won't care, the other half will be glad 😎
But seriously, I've found the Ukraine situation has given me some clarity over my future and associated decisions. Basically nobody really knows what's going to happen tomorrow, you might lose everything. So don't worry about things that might be a bit shaky if x, y and z happen. If there's something you want to do, get it done before it's too late.

Just because your friends have their own crap going on doesn’t mean they won’t want or be able to listen to you.

I find listening to others help put my own problems into perspective and bonus is it I can offer help and or ideas and visa versa

Also as a general point it's important to separate your worries I to those you can do nothing about, and those you can.

Those that you can't do anything about you need to get yourself to forget everytime you feel yourself worrying about them as you have no control over. I know this sounds like get over it type advice but it's not. You can't do anything about these worries, there fore it is absurd to worry about them, laugh at the absurdity of it. Keep reminding yourself of this and concentrate on the second group of worries.

The second group is things you can do something a about. These you need to write a plan and start taking action. Any progress is good progress.

These are hard to do and you will never be perfect at but excepting this but keeping on trying to deal with worries I. This manor will help over time. Like anything it requires practice.

If you unload your problems on anyone, the old 50:50 rule still applies

This is very true and you already see it on this thread.  Some folks are ok with it and others deal with their problems in a different way.  The pub isn't bad but the trick is to only go with a group who are ok with that.  Don't exclude the others, that's just for a different time.   But you aren't even close to alone in wanting to do that so arranging a beer or two with those aligned the same way can help a lot.

Samaritans are always worth a call. They are great at listening.

So, next it’s professional help – but that goes on record and can affect insurance policies etc – so def don’t want that. And just to clarify – I’m not at that stage that I would do something “stupid”. Honest, I’m not.

Can't offer much for the rest but f*CK that, if you need help you need help, don't out it off because of some nonsense about insurance or some other inconsequential shit. Life's too short to be dictated to by a corporation.

I always thought not to phone Samaritans as someone else would need it more and didn't feel too like chatting over phone about life's struggles and suicidal feelings.

I'm glad I did once phone them mind though should have done years prior when things got out of hand re: actually being close to walking onto dual carriageway.

It's great news that you already voiced here that things have not become that bad for you. So that you can be thankful of and give yourself a pat on back (strange concept for me to accept still)

As posted above, get on to Andy's Man Club.

As can be a release from the norm and unload without giving detail.

I need to start going to them for a while now.
They have a massive following too which has increased massively of late.

All my best yh and please keep this thread updated k.
🌞👍

I’m a big boy now

Shall we have a show of hands?

If you unload your problems on anyone, the old 50:50 rule still applies

Not sure it always does! Depends how much you have invested in each other…

I offload:

Here.
My sister.
My mum.
My riding mates.

But… how do you know about their crap? Who do they offload to? Having awesome friends is a two-way process, if you’re listening to their shit then then can listen to yours.

When out riding it tends to be at an uplift place like BMCC or a push-up venue like Windhill, Tidworth, etc. That time on the bus or pushing back up is perfect for talking about everything that's crap in our lives, sharing stuff and advice then channeling that energy into riding. Works incredibly well even when we feel we haven't talked about much. Just the act of sharing it is enough sometimes and a few times one of us has opened up about something only for others to have gone through it before and offer advice. Sometimes one of us will feel a lot better just purely knowing that our problems pale into insignificance compared to others in the group.

Though during the lockdowns that outlet wasn't available so:

Samaritans are always worth a call. They are great at listening.

Considering they're a charity run on volunteers they do an amazing job, for everyone. From the imminent suicide to the people who just need an outlet to let rip at they are there and are never judgemental. What might seem a trivial problem to some can be a major issue to others and they fully understand that.

First thing is you're not alone. I don't like relying on my wife and the couple of friends I have being my only support, but kind of have to.

I've had private counselling a few times in the past but £££ is the issue, especially as I'm not working at the moment due to physical and mental health issues.

I have written letters in the past, not to post! One to my dead Dad was very helpful and cathartic, but I needed to be in the right space with enough quiet time to do it and relax afterwards.

I had thought of Andy's Mans Club as there one not too far from me, but I thought they were just for suicide prevention?? I've been in that position in the past, but don't feel like that now. I guess it just depends on the people who turn up does it??

Just because your friends have their own crap going on doesn’t mean they won’t want or be able to listen to you.

I find listening to others help put my own problems into perspective and bonus is it I can offer help and or ideas and visa versa

Very true. I'm in an interesting cycle now where the things that are causing me issues are also stopping me doing the activities that enabled me to listen and help others.

I Shout at the moon.

Not a soul, sadly. The buck stops here for pretty much everything. Cycling, reading, snacks and red wine let me get through most things. Sometimes I just have to be remote with those I live with while I work through problems I can’t them with for fear of overburdening them.

Historically I have spoken to a private counsellor and my parents.

This place can be really good. Other than that I’ve spoken with a couple of professionals. One was great, the other utterly useless. I get your fears regarding insurance. I have cover for everything other than ‘Mental health issues’ due to suffering with depression. So my policy covers everything bar the one thing that is most likely to affect me and mean I need financial help. I’ve gone through some dark times because I’ve known I couldn’t take time off.

Samaritan’s is also a great shout. I’ve called them when I’ve been very low. If you just need someone to offload at please feel free to PM me. I’d be happy to help someone, even if it’s just sitting in silence.

My wife would the the person but I need to be at a pretty low ebb to be able to speak out so maybe once a year and it would only be on some stuff. The rest of the time i just keep a lid on it in a toxic and self defeating way.

I've always felt that there are millions of people in the world who have simply horrific lives. I've got everything you could ever want or need so always popped everything into a brain compartment accordingly. I am 100% aware that's wrong but it's always been that way.

all I want to do is offload so someone can tell me it’s all going to be fine

Trouble is finding someone with a positive enough outlook that doesn't think things are not going to be fine.

In fact I find most of my problems only arise when I'm around other people, or rather other people about TF out of me at times.

Used to have a good old moan with a mate, but since he's had a sprog he's pretty much out of the picture. Sat down the pub the other day (like most days the past two weeks) talking crap with the locals. Unfortunately there's an air of thought that everything is either ****ed or going that way.

Our solution is to jack in the 9-5, four walls/roof over your head "safe" option and bugger off for a bit. We'll be looking for projects and people who are doing something more positive for the environment and society.

We have a couple of members of staff at work who are available as mental health ’first-aiders’, who have been a great help to me in the past, but when I’m not at work, I don’t have anyone particularly to talk to. It would have been my late partners birthday a couple of weeks or so ago, and her mum organised a big family get-together, including her sister and her family coming over from New York, (I took her sister and niece back to Heathrow yesterday), which was lovely, but that can’t make up for the huge empty space losing her has left in my life. She gave me focus because of her own real issues with her mental health I was determined to try to find ways of helping her, but now I just have no real motivation, just an empty house with no-one to talk to at all when I’m home.
Once I’d have got in the car and gone out somewhere, like to the coast, but with ever-rising costs, and nobody to help with the bills, I’m using the car as little as possible.

It’s not a question of venting or anything like that, I’m not angry, just basically lonely and unhappy, she was my friend for around thirty years, and a truly sweet soul, and I miss her.

In no particular order, wife, friends, family and if I feel I need more than counselling sessions are really helpful.

I am extremely lucky in the fact that I have a fantastic best mate who we can talk to each other about anything with no judgement and we can vent with no pressure or worry about what we are saying.

I'm aware that not everyone has that, and yes friends always have their own crap but if they are mates they will always listen.

I'm not sure where the quote came from but
"They would rather listen to your story than cry at your funeral."

I have found being honest and open has really helped, and a simple text to someone of "mate I'm struggling with a few things recently, can we grab a pint/walk/cuppa/ride and have a chat" goes a really long way.

Also whoever mentioned Andys man club above then the mission they are on is absolutely brilliant with sessions online or in person.

My brothers, my best mate. I can talk to them about anything.
I've had professional help via the NHS and it doesn't go on record at all, dunno where you get that idea from.

Was going to tryout the local Andy's Man Club tonight,but I'm feeling far to wiped out and crappy today (not a joke); stressing about a DWP assessment tomorrow morning 😣

My dog.

Bless him. Good listener but crap at suggesting anything other than a game of fetch.

Although it does make me feel better.

Wish all I needed was a tennis ball to unleash all that joy

I try here, but I find I perhaps can't communicate well enough to reply explain what's going on & automatically attract someone who wants to take the piss / insult rather than help which then makes me not want to bother, so its become a bit of poison chalice.

@duncancallum - your dog sounds like the perfect listener. Samaritans also listen but don't offer solutions which is often what's needed. Your dog will also keep things confidential (except amongst other dogs).

My husband, family and a couple of really good friends - all of which helped me through a bad patch a few years ago. Oh, and our two cats - felt so much better having a cat purring away or laughing at them being catty lunatics around the house! If it wasn't for these guys, wouldn't be here now. Also had NHS counselling and private at different times, as was really struggling to get out of anxiety/ depression cycle. NHS ok though limited in terms of scope, having a fixed number of sessions and agenda. Private counsellor c/o The Anxiety Centre was superb, expensive, though working with him helped massively. Yes,all this is on my medical records, NHS and work, but it was either get help or take action on my suicidal thoughts at that time. Please look after yourself... happy to be a random offering help if needed, just message me. Go easy.

If you are anywhere near Edinburgh there is a centre we have used for many years to help staff returning from high stress environments.   Would recommend it but difficult to know if it matches exactly what you need

Also, and I think it's already been mentioned, don't underestimate the power of writing it down or typing it into a document and I would recommend a memory stick rather than the cloud.  The mechanical process of slowing down to do that can be cathartic.  Having it on a physical device can mentally help you place those thoughts somewhere and put them to the side for a while without actually forgetting them of course.  And finally it allows you to come back later and see that your thoughts about things do change.

I love this forum. The kindness of others never fails to make the day better and to those who find humour amongst all of the other nonsense, I love you more.

Where are you based?

I’ve had professional help via the NHS and it doesn’t go on record at all, dunno where you get that idea from.

It doesn’t, but if it gets bad and you have to claim on insurance for time off they’ll have the right to check your history. If you’ve not declared it then you aren’t getting anywhere. Getting OT here though.

How is someone going to check your history and find something which isn't recorded?

I've absolutely no idea if what I'm about to say has any relevance to this, but:

I dabble a bit with music and have tried to write songs. But it seems to me that the best songs are written by those people who have had a lot of upset, sadness and tragedy in their lives.

I wonder if writing songs and poetry is a way of getting things out if you haven't got anyone to confide in? Some songs (like For No One by the Beatles) are absolutely brutal in their clarity. Others, like a lot of stuff by Prefab Sprout's Paddy Macaloon are deliberately oblique, but make sense to those in the know.

I went to the local Andy's Man Club tonight. It was good and I'll be back.

I assume they're all done in the same format, sat in a circle, pass a ball (or object) around and you have your say (or not if you don't want to) on the question of that round. Five rounds with a break in the middle for a cuppa.

A range of blokes, ages, working or not, different issues. Some light hearted, some not.

If you're struggling or need to off load there's worse things you could be doing on a Monday night. It's free and you get a cup of tea 😁

Oh, no names, numbers, register taken etc if that's a concern. You obviously introduce yourself, but not in detail and nothings written down.

Yea, I don’t.

Just carry it around with me like a bunch of toxic baggage tbh. Goes away when I get out on my bike or read a book so I just do that a lot.

OP Come on here and let the good guys help.

@countzero I am so sorry. If I lived nearer to you I would pop round for a cuppa.

My girlfriends are absolutely amazing. 3 of us went mtbiking last weekend and let rip with our problems. Turned out that we are all dealing with virtually the same thing (a toxic relative).

One other thing - try to eat well, stay hydrated, get to bed at a decent time, give alcohol a miss atm and get as much exercise into your routine as possible.

I too am self employed and its very stressful.

bunnyhop x

@countzero - I feel empathetic to that situation though mine was slightly differing.

@zeesaffa - how are you ?

👍😀

I don’t, is the short answer.
Mrs Lunge has had a few mental health problems so I certainly don’t want to burden her with my stuff. I have friends but I don’t see them as often as I’d like (no fault of anyone’s they have kids and responsibilities) and even when I do you really won’t want to darken the mood.
I tend to exercise to clear the head, running works well, but even a stroll with a podcast in the ears helps.
In truth, I should talk more but alas, I don’t.

For guys it's always been a bit difficult to show our feelings.
Going through a rough patch at the moment, Mrs is dealing with cancer, and its a bit upsetting. We talk but sometimes I don't want to burden her with any more problems, so I can get a bit down trying to deal with my own crap.
Dealing with a life changing illness does put so many things in perspective, but we keep each other going trying to plan ahead and stay positive.
Lurking on here helps, so thanks everyone.

No one really, here a little bit but by the time a write the post I generally dont post ...

My wife is great, but she is in a worse state than me mostly so it will make things worse.

I generally just suck it up and get one with life, go riding with mates or mtb with the family in the sun.

My wife and close friends. They do the same… I also use the ‘Notes’ ios app when I am on my own.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.