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What do you call that useless bit of skin on the end of a cock?
A man.
Bloke goes into a petshop and says "Have you got a Manx cat?"
The owner says "No, but I could make you one."
Bob summers hang your head in shame.
Did you hear the one about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?
He lay awake all night wondering if there really was a dog...
I spent the past few hours chopping carrots with the Grim Reaper.
I think I was dicing with death
Bob summers hang your head in shame
Could have been worse, could have done the lady version...
Three bits of tarmac go into a pub. They make their way over to the bar, and order three pints of beer.
The first piece of tarmac turns to the other two and says "I'm the **** hardest out of us lot", and as if to prove it, smashes the full pint glass into his face, shattering the glass to bits. "See? I told you".
The second piece of tarmac turns to the first and says "* off, I'm the **** hardest out of every here!". As if to prove it, he nuts the bar so hard that it splits in two. "See? I told you I was * hard."
The third piece of tarmac scoffs at the claims. "* off, I'm the **** hardest you bunch of soft **". And as if to prove it, he beat the * out of all the regulars in the pub, armed with only his little finger. "See? I'm the * hardest, make no mistake!"
And with that, seeing as the first bit of tarmac had a bloodied face, the bar was destroyed and the regulars needing hospital treatment, the three bits of tarmac retired to a corner table to continue their beers.
Just then, in comes another bit of tarmac. Identical to the other three, except he had a symbol of a bicycle imprinted on his chest.
The first bit of tarmac looked worried. "*, don't look now, don't stare at him!". The second and third bits of tarmac just laughed and said "Why?"
"Because he's a right Cycle-path!"
I spent the past few hours chopping carrots with the Grim Reaper.
I think I was dicing with death.
I had a dream i was fighting off the Grim Reaper with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death!
Lord Nelson was practicing his archery one day, when someone asks where do you anchor ?
Nelson retorts.... Plymouth of course.
Niche archery joke.
What’s brown and sticky and plays the trumpet?
Gluey Armstrong.
Went to a restaurant last night, the waiter said "For starters there's badger soup, followed by roast badger and finishing with badger mousse”
“Is there anything else apart from badger?" I asked.
“No", he replied. "It's a sett menu."
What's invisible and smells of banana?
Monkey farts.
Bloke goes to doctor for a check up.
Doctor: hmmm, you'll have to stop masturbating.
Bloke: why?
Doctor: because I'm trying to examine you!
Q: what do you call a man with no arms and no legs who swims the channel?
A: a clever dick!
What did they call the man with no arms and no legs who fell in the canal?
Bob.
An earnest and committed jazz musician, who has lived a life, full, replete with the highs and lows from which artistic truth is borne, is attempting to explain to a journalist the tensions and tumult that constitute the themes of their latest piece. "It's like man, you're down, way down, and all that pressure and force is splitting you, man, you dig?" "Sure". "And the dark and the light in you are separating, being forced apart by heat and the deep, deep, stirrings from within your core, man". "Yeah". "And every time you get a piece of solid light it gets turned round and round until it melts, blurs into the dark, twisted by fundamental forces so the edges of dark and light are lost". "Cool". "The layers of dark and light are then separated forever as it cools and rises to the surface, crystallised". "Gneiss".
Q: What's the difference between an egg and a ****?
A: Well, you can beat an egg, but you can't......
What’s the difference between light and hard?
You can go to sleep with a light on.
Dave is late for work, Dave has an important meeting, Dave is speeding, Dave gets pulled by a copper with a speedgun lurking under a bridge...
Copper: 'Good morning sir, I have just clocked you doing 95 in a 70 zone, can I ask why so fast?'
Dave: 'Sorry Officer, I'm extremely late for work!'
Copper: 'And what is that job, may I ask, that you think is important enough to blatantly disregard the rules of the road?'
Dave: 'I'm a rectum stretcher'
Copper: 'A rectum stretcher! Eh! What does that entail?'
Dave: 'Well, I insert my thumbs into a rectum and stretch it. It's quite simple, the movement is similar to stretching Pizza dough! I've got quite good at it, I've had Arseholes upto 6 feet!'
Copper: (Now intrigued) ' And what, pray tell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?
Dave: Give him a speedgun and stick him under a bridge!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs under a pile of leaves?
Russell
What do you call a man with a lighthouse on his head?
Cliff.
Did you hear about the Japanese car thief?
Tommy Tukamota.
Chinese thug?
Chin Yu One.
Russian asthmatic?
Ivor Nastychestikoff.
Sikh karaoke star?
Gerupta Singh
Chinese woman with a food mixer on her head?
Blenda
Rick Astley: "What do you want for Christmas, dear?"
Mrs. Astley: "I'd really like Up! on DVD."
Rick Astley: "No."
To continue my theme of cold war jokes - here are a few declassified jokes recorded by the CIA.
And some more
A new arrival to Gulag is asked: "What you were given 10 years for?" – "For nothing!" – "Don't lie to us here, now! Everybody knows 'for nothing' is 3 years."
From the Armenian Radio
Q: What's the difference between a capitalist fairy tale and a Marxist fairy tale?
A: A capitalist fairy tale begins, "Once upon a time, there was....". A Marxist fairy tale begins, "Some day, there will be...."
Radio Yerevan was asked: "When will life be better in the USSR?"
Radio Yerevan answered: "In the USSR, life already has been better."
A frightened man came to the KGB. "My talking parrot has disappeared." "That's not the kind of case we handle. Go to the criminal police." 'Excuse me, of course I know that I must go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with the parrot."
And one of my favorites....
An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony. "Don't get me wrong" says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long day, putting one's feet up and having a nice cup of tea". "You Englishman" snorts the Frenchman, "you have no sense of romance. The greatest pleasure in life is going on holiday without your wife, and meeting a beautiful girl with whom you have a passionate love affair with before returning home back to work". "You are both wrong" scoffs the Russian. "The greatest pleasure in life is when you are sleeping at home and the KGB breaks your door down at 3 AM, bursts into your room and says 'Ivan Ivanovitch, you are under arrest' and you can reply 'Sorry comrade, Ivan Ivanovitch lives next door'".
Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" Silence. "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?" No answer. "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too. "Well, who sneezed?" At last a sobbing cry resounds in the Congress Hall, "It was me! Me!" Stalin says, "Bless you, Comrade!" and resumes his speech.
Cougar, slow burn, love it!
Russian with three testicles?
Whodyanickabollokov.
I noticed there is a competition for 'World's best sexual contortionist', so I've entered myself.
I noticed there is a competition for ‘World’s best sexual contortionist’, so I’ve entered myself.
Mate of mine was going to enter... but he never got round to it.
I entered the World Erection Championships
I got to the semis
Did you hear about the blind circumciser? He got the sack.
Did you hear about Mick Hucknall being caught performing a sex act on
a rabbit?
Apparently he was holding back the ears and the bunny was too tight to mention.
Russian vet?
Kutzcatscoksoff.
During breakfast this morning my wife told me she was leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter. I almost choked on my #brown.
What’s brown and full of nuts?
Squirrel shit.
I've had such a bad morning.
First I got into fight with a guy dressed as Shakespeare, then I almost choked on a German sausage.
It's gone from bard to wurst...
It's the day after bonfire night.
Johnny and Billy are discussing the night before in science class, including catching a cat...
"We rammed a banger up it's arse" said Johnny.
The teacher intervened "Rectum Johnny, Rectum".
"Rectum sir? More like blew it to pieces sir...."
Dyslexics are getting very worried about October 27th, they've read their cocks will turn black.
What's brown and rhymes with 'snoop'?
.
Dr Dre.
A duck walks in to a pub and asks the barman for a pint.
"Blimey!" says the barman. "A talking duck!"
"Yeah? So what?" replies the duck. "I can walk, fly, swim, talk, read.... I'm even a qualified plasterer. How about that pint?"
So the duck goes and sits down with his newspaper and his pint. A few minutes later the door opens and in walks a circus ringmaster.
"Hey!" says the barman. "You ought to go and talk to that duck, he's clever! He could come and work at your circus!"
The ringmaster goes over and chats with the duck: "How about coming and working for me?" he asks.
"Okay" replies the duck, "I'm always interested in the next job.... but a circus you say? Isn't that a big tent with poles and hole in the roof and canvas walls?"
"Yes" replies the ringmaster.
"Well why the f*** would you be needing a plasterer?"
I just finished building a car using a motor from a washing machine.
I'm going to take it for a spin later....
The wife had some success with HRT, so I thought I'd try the male equivalent.
I asked my doctor to write me out a prescription for 'something that will put hairs on my chest".
I came back from the chemists with a gorilla costume!
My girlfriend tried to force me to have sex with her over the bonnet of her Honda Civic but I refused point blank.
I'll do it on my own accord.
Walk past the pet shop the other day. They had a sale on. The budgies were going cheap.
I’ve just been past that pet shop and they are now selling lions.
They're doing a roaring trade.
I’ve just been past that pet shop and they are now selling lions.
They’re doing a roaring trade.
I went into that pet shop and asked to buy a dead wasp.
"I'm sorry sir, we only sell live animals here"
"...But you've got one in the window"
I don’t half like my neighbour’s house
It’s right up my street
ALABAMA NEWS : Today a man murdered his wife, his sister and his cousin - the victim is currently awaiting formal identification.
That waitress gave me a lovely semillon.
I've heard that 10CC are doing a tour of the West Highlands of Scotland & doing some fishing between gigs.
Theyr'e not looking forward to it though cos they dread loch holidays.
I told my mate that I'd always fancied Beyonce. He said, 'well whatever floats your boat' & I said, 'no that's buoyancy'
Never trust a dwarf who says your wife's hair smells nice.
Someone asked me why I love camping so much - I said probably because its such an intense experience.
I’m probably just being paranoid but I can definitely see five Peruvian owls standing on my fence, watching me through the kitchen window.
I’m sure they're Inca hoots.
There is going to be a seasonal sale on soon at camping world and I am not happy about it. Its the winter of discount tents
Fire exits.
I hear they are on the way out....
Why do elephants paint thier balls red? So they can hide in cherry trees.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? No- shows how could their camouflage is
@maccruiskeen - I’ve never heard the Auntie Carol joke before, I’ve just read it to my g/f, and we’ve been pissing ourselves at it, she’s just asked me to forward a copy to her Auntie Carol in Brussels...
What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
Giraffes eating cherries.
Comrade Yuri had spent all his life being a faithful servant of the communist party, as a reward was he was put on the waiting list to buy a car.
After six months the day came when he was allowed to go to the only car dealership in Moscow to choose his new car.
After carefully choosing his new car, the dealership manager informed he could collect it in 10 years
“10 years!” Exclaimed Yuri, and after a moment asked “will this be in the morning or afternoon?”
“Sir, why does this matter?”
“Ah” said Yuri, “I only ask as I have the plumber coming round in the morning “
I keep my noodles in the fridge.
They're stone cold soba.
A woman goes to the doctor & says, 'Doc, I've got a very embarrasing problem, I keep finding Puerto Rican postage stamps in my err, you know..foofy' 'hmm' says the doc. 'let me examine you'........
'Those aren't postage stamps, theyr'e stickers off bananas'
she’s just asked me to forward a copy to her Auntie Carol in Brussels…
Who thought it as both funny, and weirdly appropriate...