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A pirate goes to the doctor and says, "I have moles on me back, aaarrrghh."
The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."
Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"
Soz if that's been done as well..
You are having a negative effect on my mental health. 😁
Man walks into a pub and requests a pint of Guinness only to be told by the bar staff, "I can't give you a pint of Guinness, the bats will get you".
Confused by this he heads a few doors down to another pub and to his astonishment is told the same thing;
"I can't give you a pint of Guinness, the bats will get you".
He then sets out to every pub and drinking establishment he sees, being told the same mantra over and over again;
"I can't give you a pint of Guinness, the bats will get you".
He then travels all across the country with no progress, he is determined to have his foamy black stout if it's the end of him.
He spends two years travelling the world but every last place says the same thing
"I can't give you a pint of Guinness, the bats will get you".
Until one day, when he has a huge beard and a hungered and determined demeanour having taken him over, he finds a place on the water in Vietnam. He is certain that this is the final stop, it's now or never. He requests the Guinness for the last time and to his overwhelming surprise and delight; it begins to get poured.
Just as he waits for it to settle he looks back on his long journey and feels complete, this pint will taste sweeter than anything he will ever consume again.
He lifts the pint to his lips, then the bats got him.
Skeleton walks in to a bar and says, "pint of lager and a mop, please."
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dave
Dave who?
Dave proceeds to break down into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimer's has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him
CFH, that has been my fave joke for a long time! But I always omit the 'please', sounds better.
Horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
The horse, unable to speak because it's a horse, shits on the floor and leaves.
I’m liking the cut of your jib Mr raybanwomble. Twists on the old classics
Horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Why the long face?”
And the horse say "How dare you - I come in here looking to have a relaxing evening with friends and before I can even order a drink you're making snide personal remarks about my appearance. What kind of dick move is that? I demand to speak to the manager"
"No, no please - don't speak to the manager, I'm already on my last warning after that bloke actually walked into a bar and got concussion. I'm so sorry, I really don't know what came over me."
The horse starts crying.
"Ohhhh, please don't cry - how about we start over - go outside, come back in again and we can pretend this never happened."
Reluctantly the horse dries its tears, goes outside, takes a deep breath and...
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender say, “Why the long f.... er I mean.. um Hello, good evening and what a lovely evening it is too, welcome to our establishment, my names Geoff and I'll be your host for this evening. And who might you be?"
"Sarah Jessica Parker"
Janet Street Porter walks in to a bar and asks the barman, "Could I have a large aperitif?"
"Doubt it", replies the barman.
What's brown and sticky?
My Beyoncé poster.
Bloke walks into the doctors and says " Doc ..Im worried there is a raised lump and some unusual activity happening on my cheek "
The doctor takes out a powerful magnifying glass and sees in miniature a mountain range,forest, bubbling brook with salmon leaping and eagles flying in a clear blue sky ..
Explaining this to his patient he says " There is absolutely nothing to worry about ..all we have here is a beauty spot " ..
Love that JSP joke ..proper guffawed out loud 😂
Don't get the bat one.
Don’t get the bat one.
You aren’t meant to, it’s an anti-joke designed to waste your time.
You aren’t meant to, it’s an anti-joke designed to waste your time.
I found it really funny!
Anti-jokes are funny to those who are a bit of a dick, like me. :p
it’s an anti-joke
No, this is an Aunty joke
The teacher gave her class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'don't count your chickens before they're hatched.'"
"That was a fine story Sarah. “Joey, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes miss... my daddy told me a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands, she landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"
"Keep out of Aunt Carol's way when she's been drinking.”
Glorious USSR comedian say “What deal with potato?”
Russian crowd not laugh.
Comedian squint into darkness, to see audience.
There is no crowd. All are die from malnourish.
white horse enters bar
asks for whisky
that's funny we have a whisky named after you
what? eric?
A bear wanders into village from forest. Villagers are helpless to watch as beast slaughters men, women, and children. Village elder's son visit one day from glorious red army. Takes rifle, and shoots bear. Village is happy, praises elder's son and celebrates with potato feastings. Son is executed for wasting ammunition.
Bloke walks into a psychiatrist's surgery wearing cling film underpants....
Well says the doctor, I can clearly see your nuts!
Bloke walks into the doctor's with a steering wheel on the front of his trousers.
"What seems to be the problem?", asks the doctor
"No idea", says the bloke, "but it's driving me nuts"
“Keep out of Aunt Carol’s way when she’s been drinking.”
That's been cleaned up somewhat since I last heard it.
How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
wi'Jammin
How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
wi’Jammin
I was in a café in Manchester the other day, and they were selling regular soup and Oasis soup. I asked, "what's the Oasis soup?" and they replied "well, it's the regular soup only you got a roll with it."
drlex
Member
What’s brown and sticky?My Beyoncé poster.
Your uber's here. Beep beep.
My 8 year old makes jokes up. I don't know why but this one made me giggle.
Why did the turtle fall off his bike? Because his Mom pushed him.
(I know, reading it, it doesn't sound funny. It was his delivery which got me)
Man walks into a doctors. Says "I've got an embarasisng problem. I have... five c0cks down me pants" Doc say, oh dear, how on earth do your pants fit?
"Like a glove"
What's the difference between a pub and a clitoris? Most men can find a pub.
What's the difference between your penis and your bonus? Easy to get a woman to blow your bonus.
I had a clock for lunch yesterday. I tw as time-consuming. Especially when i went back for seconds
I've got an irrational fear of giants.
It's been diagnosed as feefiphobia
I have an irrational fear of people with the ends of their feet missing.
Doctor says I'm lack toes intolerant.
I'm not homophobic.
I love my house.
So I went online and bought 5 bees 🐝
but when the package arrived there was 6 bees in the box. I called up the store and said 'hey there's 6 bees here but I only bought 5' and he said..
.
That last one was a freebie.
My favourite bees are the kind you get milk from.
My favourite bees are the kind you get milk from.
oh go on then........... how do you get milk from a bee?
or is it "what sort of bees do you get milk from?"
“what sort of bees do you get milk from?”
BOOOOBIES!
Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and asks "You got any idea how to drive this thing??"
🙂
(classic misdirection joke!)
Two birds on a perch, one turns to the other and asks " Can you smell fish?"
(classic fish pun joke)
Glorious USSR comedian say “What deal with potato?”
Russian crowd not laugh.
Comedian squint into darkness, to see audience.
There is no crowd. All are die from malnourish.
This is fantastic! 🙂
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
A mate's off to the UAE for a holiday and asked me for tips. I told him I don't know much about the region, but I've heard that people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but people in Abu Dhabi do
What's got two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
What's brown and runny?
Usain Bolt.
I have an irrational fear of people with the ends of their feet missing.
Doctor says I’m lack toes intolerant.
Similarly, a friend of mine is a farrier in outer Mongolia. Had to give up as he kept breaking out in rashes.
Turns out he is Yak toes intolerant.
Two cannibals eating Bernard Manning. One says
“See I told you it wouldn’t taste funny “
Went into a bar and said I wanted a double entendre. Quick as a flash, he asked "that'll be a large one, then?"
Did your hear about the magic tractor?
It went down the lane and turned in to a field.
My mate Ian nurses raptors back to health by feeding them beer. He's an ill eagle ale Ian.
I don't get the skeleton mop one, am I being dense.
Guy goes to the docs & says, 'my penis has turned orange' Doc says, 'whaaat!! drop your pants & lets have a look!, he looks & prods a bit & says, 'well I've never seen anything quite like this before in my entire career, do you work with chemicals at all? Guy says, 'no, I'm currently unemployed but looking for something in the film industry, I just sit around all day watching porn & eating Wotsits'
Did your hear about the magic tractor?
It went down the lane and turned in to a field.
Did you hear about the farmer who won a Nobel prize?
He was out standing in his field...
I don’t get the skeleton mop one, am I being dense.
A bit yes. Skellingtons 💀 are not very able to contain liquids, so spillage is inevitable, hence the mop 😉
My psychiatrist told me to write letters to all the people I hate telling them why I hate them, then burn them.
I tried it and it actually helped a great deal, but next time I might try burning the letters as well.
Did you hear about the truckie who picked up a hitchhiking witch?
She touched his knee and he turned into a layby.
Still probably my favourite!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Europe.
Europe who?
No you're a poo!
What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language
I'll have you know that I speak fluent Braille.
My mate caught Kreutzfeld Jacob disease from a gambling addicted car crash dummy. It was case of bovine spongiform Ncap-a-lottery
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
Don't listen to him, he's lying
I trusted him and have just spent the last half hour trying to sharpen a turd with a pen knife as a result.
This is fantastic
Three Russian are brag about sons. “My son is glorious red army soldier. He have rape as many nazi women as want,” say first Russian. “Zo?” second say, “My son is farmer. He have all potato he want!” Third Russian wait long time, then say, “My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over.” “Wow! You are win us,” say others. But all are feel sad.
How many glourious red army is take screw in light bulb? A : 25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.
Gorbachev era Russian #1: Knock knock
Russian #2: Who there? I kid! I see you, we burn door for warming.
Two Russian look at sun. Is not sun, but nuclear reactor meltdown. Russian happy because maybe now warm enough to plant potato.
Old man is dying. There comes banging on door.
‘Who there?’ old man ask.
‘Is Death, I come to end suffering'.
‘Thank God’ man say, ‘I thought it was KGB.'
Q: Why do the Volkspolizei go out on patrol in groups of three?
A: One can read, one can write, and the third is there to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.
and from the same era.....what's three streets long and eats cabbage? Soviet meat queue.
Last time I was in Seoul I had some Korean meatballs - they were the dogs b#llocks.
Another Russian joke...
A prisoner goes to the jail's library to borrow a book.
Librarian says, "We don't have book. We have author"
A man walks into a doctor's surgery...
Doctor: "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient: "I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse!"
Doctor: "Owzat?"
Patient: "Now don't you start!"
Dave is driving a truck load of monkeys to deliver to the Zoo when his truck breaks down, he calls the AA who say they will be there in 6 hrs. Luckily he sees his pal George, who whilst a bit thick, also drives a truck, he flags him down and says "If I give you £50 will to take these Monkeys to the zoo for me?" "sure thing says George and loads up and sets off for the Zoo. A couple of hours later Dave sees George heading back the way he came, still with the monkeys. He flags him down again and says "I gave £50 to take the monkeys to the Zoo...." "I did" says George "but I had some change left over so now I'm taking them to the Museum"
Some of the names in this story have been changed to protect the innocent/remove any racism/cultural stereotypes of people from certain geographical regions.
Did you hear about the plane carrying car parts that lost some cargo above Reverend Spooner's house?
It was raining Datsun cogs.
A bloke walks into the opticians carrying a large box, from which a horrendous stench is emanating. Gradually, everyone else in the waiting room leaves, unable to cope with the smell. The optician sticks his head round the door, and is a bit surprised to see only one patient waiting, but tells him he should come in. The bloke walks in to the consulting room and opens to box to reveal an enormous turd. Almost gagging from the smell, the optician says "What have you come to see me for - you need to see a doctor!". The man answers "No, no , it's you I need to see. The thing is, every time I do one of these my eyes water"
A bloke walks into the opticians carrying a large box, from which a horrendous stench is emanating. Gradually, everyone else in the waiting room leaves, unable to cope with the smell. The optician sticks his head round the door, and is a bit surprised to see only one patient waiting, but tells him he should come in. The bloke walks in to the consulting room and opens to box to reveal an enormous turd. Almost gagging from the smell, the optician says
"what's brown and sticky?"
Chap walks into a doctors surgery with a leaf poking out of his rectum.
The doctor has a look and exclaims "My god, you've got a lettuce poking out your bum!"
The chap replied "That's just the tip of the iceberg. What can you do about it"
The doctor replied "well, I can put a dressing on it"
How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
two
but they have to be very small....
How do Mexicans keep warm?
The use chicken fajitas!
My mate's Italian mother lives in Brighton.
The other day a man stopped her and asked "Anywhere I can get a decent cup of coffee?"
"Naples" she replied.
"Um... Isn't there anywhere a bit closer?" he asked.
"Milan maybe"
surroundedbyhills
Subscriber
Dave is driving a truck load of monkeys to deliver to the Zoo when his truck breaks down, he calls the AA who say they will be there in 6 hrs. Luckily he sees his pal George, who whilst a bit thick, also drives a truck, he flags him down and says “If I give you £50 will to take these Monkeys to the zoo for me?” “sure thing says George and loads up and sets off for the Zoo. A couple of hours later Dave sees George heading back the way he came, still with the monkeys. He flags him down again and says “I gave £50 to take the monkeys to the Zoo….” “I did” says George “but I had some change left over so now I’m taking them to the Museum”
Some of the names in this story have been changed to protect the innocent/remove any racism/cultural stereotypes of people from certain geographical regions
Were any animals harmed in the telling of this joke?
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eyed deer
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eyed dear
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no ears in a southern European county?
Sill deaf in Italy no eyed dear
(deep breath) What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, no ears, in a layby, on fire, in a southern European country?
Still deaf in Italy flaming no eyed dear, by the way.
Two fish in a tank.
One says “Have you a license to drive this thing?”
Fish swims into a wall.
Dam
My local zoo only had one animal, a small white dog.
It was a Shih Tzu.
Old man is dying. There comes banging on door.
‘Who there?’ old man ask.
‘Is Death, I come to end suffering’.
‘Thank God’ man say, ‘I thought it was KGB.’
This is the best one so far. Elegant, poigniant and a proper joke.
Walk past the pet shop the other day. They had a sale on. The budgies were going cheap.