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and asked for a drink. He's never asked before but his wife hinted a few months ago that he had issues with alcohol in the past so i was a bit cagey about feeding a potential alcoholic alcohol.
He then tells me that he has terminal bowel cancer and that he needs a drink to take the edge of whatever drugs he's been given. A bit taken aback by that I asked him if his missus was home so that I could check this with her. He says no and that she won't be back for hours and that they are getting divorced as well. All of this is news to me, as neighbours we pass the time of day but we don't really know the ins and outs of each others lives.
Now the fella looked rough, really rough, could be the cancer but equally could be the alcohol. In the end I decided that if he's telling me the truth then how can i possibly turn him away and invite him in and poured him a glass of jack daniels. I'm no drinker but I reckon it was about four/five standard measures which he downed like it was lemonade. As he left he asked if he could have one more. I declined, and he went back home.
I'm now sitting here a bit dumbstruck and more than a little confused. I really don't know if I've just assisted an alcoholic or denied a man in pain a bit of comfort. Either way it doesn't feel good.
Should I have done something different, and what if he comes calling again?
Jeez, poor guy, that's desperate!
if he's an alky.. then he obviously like a bevvy.. so either way you are a mean mean person.. 🙂
EDIT: isn't bowel cancer often related to alcoholism..?
EDIT: isn't bowel cancer often related to alcoholism..?
I have no idea, anyone?
Ultimately I'm going to have to speak to his wife and find out the truth. As much as I don't want to pry I'm going to need to know whats going on otherwise there is every chance that I'm going to make matters worse.
I've just asked the wife. She's an Oncologist Nurse Specialist. She says that alcohol will make him a cheap date but won't help countering any side effects he may be having from the drugs he'd have been prescribed.
She says the guy just wants a drink for it's own sake. You were right to refuse him.
She also says alcoholism is a pre-desposing factor but not directly linked to bowel cancer. I can't make sense of that but then again, things are a little Happy Mondays in my head at the minute. Got to love lithium
He then tells me that he has terminal bowel cancer and that he needs a drink to take the edge of whatever drugs he's been given
Mixing alcohol with any sort of medical drug is generally a bad idea...
Don't feel bad, pretty sure I'd have done the same. Not an easy position to be put in.
She says the guy just wants a drink for it's own sake.
I guess if he's had problems with alcohol addiction/consumption in the past then it's likely to be an emotional crutch to fall back on when things get tough.
My doubt is that his wife doesn't seem the sort to up and leave a man in a terminal condition and could he just be building up a tale of woe in order to get a drink. I know this sounds pretty hard but if he is an alcoholic won't he pretty much say anything in order to get another drink?
pretty sure I'd have done the same
I've done similar before too.. only I pretended I'd been stung by a bee on my willy..
Yes
Can i come over, if your handing out free JD?
Ultimately I'm going to have to speak to his wife and find out the truth
Why?
just mind your own business, you gave him a drink, why do you need to speak to his wife?
You can't undo the drink so just leave it at that
why do you need to speak to his wife?
I guess I would want to find out what I should do if he comes calling again. In all honesty I'm not keen on being dragged into someone else's affairs but if he comes calling again my reaction to an alcoholic lying to me to get a next shot and someone with a terminal condition trying to dull the pain whether emotional or physical is going to be a bit different.
I would much rather not be involved but if he's going to come calling again I would rather be able to make a better informed decision on what to do.
I would rather be able to make a better informed decision on what to do
just don't give him a drink - you can't lose
Charge him the going rate next time. A quadruple JD is worth £9 IMO.
just don't give him a drink - you can't lose
You may well be right.
It's just that taken at face value his situation appears pretty desperate and it seemed compassionless to deny a relatively small request.
Do you live miles from a shop, if you don't my guess would be he wanted to talk to someone. If he wanted a drink that bad he would ask to borrow some cash and buy his own, or he was drunk already.
She also says alcoholism is a pre-desposing factor but not directly linked to bowel cancer. I can't make sense of that
I'm guessing that means that alcoholics are more likely to develop bowel cancer because of their lifestyles - lack of exercise, poor diet, no 'five a day', takeaways, and generally not looking after themselves, which all contributes to an increased risk of bowel cancer, but that alcohol itself doesn't directly cause it.
I've asked and she says Ernie knows what she means. She also said that if he was in the latter stages of the illness, he wouldn't want alcohol no matter how chronic his alcoholism is. Apparently, the stupor the drink would take him to, being an alcoholic (different from being drunk apparently) would make his pain and other symptons harder to deal with if he'd had a skin full. It seems that even being utterly plastered won't help unless he's drunk himself comatose.
Jeezus! Only in England!
If it was me i would have invited him, discused various celebs sexuality, the state of the elections on thursday, read him some intresting threads, and finished the night off with some bike vids.
Heythats what we do on singletrack.
UPDATE: It was all a pack of lies.
His missus just knocked at the door and told us not to give him alcohol. Apparently he'd just got back from a friends house this afternoon and used the story about the bowel cancer to get a drink out of him too. Obviously he added in the bit about the divorce yesterday for added sympathy.
She also said that he went to an elderly neighbours last night and she left him alone in the room for a minute and when she came back he was slugging out of a brandy bottle.
She's taken his money bank cards off of him so there was no going round to the off licence.
So the guy does not have bowel cancer is not get divorced but is a desperate alcoholic. Still a dire position to be in.
That's really sad. Sounds like his wife is the only thing between him and a park bench.
Only in England!
Eh?
what he wanted was a drink..
what he [i]needed[/i] was a cuddle..
UPDATE 2:
She just knocked at the door again. He'd fallen down the stairs and pissed himself. We got him into the recovery position and left him falling asleep in the hallway.
She really doesn't know what to do, He's had an AA mentor round but he said theres little to do for a man that doesn't want to stop.
left him falling asleep in the hallway.
the ideal opportunity to provide him with that cuddle he needs.. quickly nip out there and get spooning.. it may well change his life..
yunki you ****, presumably you're stoned at the moment ?
muppetWrangler - a dire position for all concerned.
the ideal opportunity to provide him with that cuddle he needs.. quickly nip out there and get spooning.. it may well change his life..
It's quite a narrow hallway, not enough room for spooning.
His elderly Mother has turned up to lend a hand, if there are cuddles to be handed out I reckon it's down to her. Not sure what she's gonna do except maybe look after the kiddie while the wife looks after the husband.
Its amazing what some people put up with, how long will his wife stand by him ?
I watched my mother drink / drug herself to death. Quite quickly I ran out of sympathy as it was pretty much self inflicted.
Its also amazing the lengths and lies they go to in order to feed the additction. Far more effort was involved in staying addicted than sorting out the problem in many cases it seemed to me.
I feel sorry for his wife, not him.
Only in England!Eh?
The deep soul searching about giving a fella a drink
I always give my alchoholic neighbour a few beers when he knocks at the door begging, otherwise the pissed **** will only drive somewhere else to buy some.
This is just sad. 🙁
+1 Charlie.
Really difficult one. Those directly involved in living with alcoholics either fall into the self denying supportive camp OR the angry push them away and let them burn camp. I have been in both.
Ultimately the change has to come from the drinker. The bit I don't know is how to get the drinker to realise this! I think alcoholism is genetically predisposed and alkies are natures best liars.
My dad died just before my 18th birthday of this, my mum was in one camp, me in the other. I do think that positivity works better in replacing alcohol than bullying and threats. hope this helps a little.
I must be a terrible neighbour, because if either of mine knocked on my door asking for booze they'd quickly get the impression they had had a wasted trip. Sorry, my memories of childhood are based around parents very much from a drinking culture. (Kids left in freezing cars outside pubs / waiting in cold dark house while parents in pub etc), so JD & sympathy at my place...no.
so JD & sympathy at my place...no.
Completely agree, and now that I know exactly what's going on he won't be getting anything to drink from here.
Poor guy. Sounds like he wanted to chat to someone as much as anything. I think you did the right thing and if I were you I would want to let his wife know too. It's no secret to her that he has a drink problem.
Quite quickly I ran out of sympathy as it was pretty much self inflicted
It was your own mother and she was addicted! 😯
Its also amazing the lengths and lies they go to in order to feed the additction. Far more effort was involved in staying addicted than sorting out the problem in many cases it seemed to me
You've never been addicted. You do realise what an addiction is?
Both my aunts died due to their addictions - one from lung cancer, the other from alcohol related illness. I have a very addictive personality, so have always been very careful.
UPDATE 3:
This morning his wife knocked on the door again. Wanted me to come around and talk him out of drinking white spirit. When I went in the house smelled like a painters merchant and he had a pint glass three quarters full with coke except for the top inch which had separated out from the coke and was obviously white spirit.
Talked it through with him and he did eventually pour it away. Although I'm pretty sure some went in the washing up bowl and not down the sink, not sure if this was a deliberate act to try and hang on to something for later or not.
Whilst i was typing this she knocked at the door again with another bottle of white spirit and a bottle of meths, saying that he'd found some more and could I take this from him. All of this time he's wandering around in his pants muttering.
I am a bit worried that I am becoming too involved in these peoples lives, I don't want our house to become the storeroom for anything vaguely intoxicating and i don't want to become their referee. But then equally I wouldn't feel comfortable with myself if I didn't do what are after all pretty small things to help.
On the plus side, I got some free meths so the bike chain will get a good clean.
Geez, that's grim! If he carries on like that then he won't be around much longer.
(I prefer white spirit to meths for chain cleaning BTW)
white spirit for the chain, meths for the trifle
(hope yr neighbour gets himself sorted 🙁 )
(I prefer white spirit to meths for chain cleaning BTW)
bugger. Just used the meths in a paint kettle to soak a chain.
Emptied the two bottles of white spirit into a different container and put all three empty bottles in the dustbin. Thought that if he came begging for his bottles back later today it might be easier to show him the empty bottles.