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To the OP, I’m not the best judge as I’m in the fortunate position of having two daughters who have been pretty straight forward to bring up. However, it sounds to me as though your son could have a whole heap of anger issues from the separation of his parents, quite possibly fuelled by your ex. Not wishing to come across as a hand wringing lefty, but is it worth looking into some counselling for him?
Give them control over the things that they are mature enough to deal with.
Like washing a fork?
"Dad, there's no clean forks!"
"No problem son, if you do the washing up there will be plenty!"
Like washing a fork
Not exactly. That's not a choice that's a suggestion. Or to a teenager, an order from a facist authoritarian joy-killer. They don't call being a teenager a mental illness for nothing.
The point is to give them agency over the things which it is safe and reasonable to. That'll vary with the teenager. But given them a range of options, from wash a fork to use a dirty one to use a spoon or spatula or hands. Let them choose and live with the outcome. If they get sick from using a dirty fork they won't do it again. If they make a mess eating with their hands they clean it up. If it makes mealtimes like living in a zoo live with it, it only lasts a few years
Parent like an economist/manager with incentives and nudging? Positive reinforcement always works better. Let them make some mistakes.
Dont rule out mental health. It’s a massive issue for young people.
Why ban school friends without supervision? That shows lack of trust?
Youth theatre? I’m biased but I’ve seen it turn surly weans into focused organised leaders and team members too. The families notice too.
FWIW when Boy2 badmouthed his mum and raised a stick to her I verbally crucified him. I impressed myself with the excoriation I gave him- full flow, varied tone, raised voice, sotto voce and everything in between -the whole nine yards.
And then I removed his bedroom door. He was 15 at the time.
He got it back about a fortnight later. He had to re-fit it himself.
Actions have consequences. People (of all ages) don't necessarily understand this but it is the way of the world and if they don't/ can't get this then things may well be much worse for them later on in life.
It isn't easy. As a teacher of teenage boys and a parent of one it can be a pain in the ass, and ours only has one set of rules. We do the no technology upstairs (where the bedrooms are) and follow this ourselves so there is no 'but you do' comeback. Had all the screentime issues and screams/threats. The thing which calmed hime down I think was when he screwed up royally. A few years ago he ran up a $AUD 1800 bill on our credit card on an online game (legalised gaming aimed at kids). He lost his computer for 6 months, and had to pay us back out of his pamphlet round money/christmas birthday money etc. Took him almost a year but he did. I didn't chase the debt with the company as I had the view he'd run it up, he had to pay (we didn't know he had the credit card number and took eyes off the ball over a week). We now occaisionly take the modem and lock it in the car, means no netflix or internet for us, pain in the ass but managable).
Better he is shit at home and great away from home than the other way around (although hard), which ours luckily have been. Bastards though they can be (lovable ones at times), we hardly ever have had issues at school and never major ones.
OP - Your kid needs help. I know I don't know him or your situation beyond what you've described but it just sounds horribly familiar to an ex-friend who acted in a similar way with his folks. Ended up in and out of bother with the police - stealing a chainsaw from a lumber yard all the way up to regularly beating the crap out his girlfriend. He had a lot of very obvious underlying issues and hated his folks for one reason or another.
You need to talk to him and find out what it is thats bothering him, it could be anything from anger at the breakup to your ex excouraging him so you eventually just disappear from the scene. Either way something sure isn't right. And being the even worse guy by getting him a visit from the police or punching him in the face is just going to get you off the scene even quicker.
P-Jay - That's a whole other level of WTF right there. I take it you have talked to him to try and figure out why he would do that? Serious or not (in intent) that's something that can't be brushed aside.
Wish I could say something reassuring to you both but I'm all out of ideas. Best of luck is the best I can manage.
We got a dog (a rescue greyhound) which helped somewhat.
P-Jay . How do live with that attitude in your house? IANAP ,but by christ .. your wages you earn using your body and brain have paid for the nice warm dry house he lives in . I am going to guess he still gets an allowance , so gets paid for being rude , and does somewhere next to nothing round the house to help out, apart from throw his pants and sox on the floor waiting for the laundry faiiry to collect them.
I would opt out, you made him lunch , but he was unwilling to spend 20 seconds in the kitchen finding a fork, as the washing bowl was " too deep", sorry petal, That would be the very last time I did anything for him. The magic laundry fairy would fail to appear , clean dry clothes would not be available on demand .
Pocket money .- on your bike son .
Dinner on the table , nice hot food. I would cook for myself and not him .
Strip beds , put bedding in machine but let him work out how to dry them and put the ensemble back together.
A few lads at school telling him he stinks of BO will certainly have an effect
Don’t do any of that, it will just make things worse
A few observations as a parent of 2
Ignore any and every post that begins ‘I am not a parent’
Ignore the STW hardmen saying they would ‘knock him out’ that’s insane and typical of this place
Kids need calm and consistency and love, nothing else. I grew up in a house that was full of shouting, threats of suicide from my mum. Multiple hidings and even being told off for making a mess after my brother stabbbed me.
All of my sisters went on to be in relationships with men who abused them. And my brother ended up in psychiatric care.
The cause of this was that there was never any peace, quiet, calm, quiet conversations or love. Rules changed every day without notice. And stuff that would be let go one day would catch you a hiding the next.
As a parent , the amount you influence what sort of person your children turn into can never be underestimated.
Be the type of parent you needed as a kid
We have a lovely daughter who since starting puberty is sometimes a massive pain in the arse. This makes me and my wife feel like shit parents. However, because we are are still together we have the benefit of being able to parent together.
You are in what seems like a worse situation and are not able to co-parent with his mum - who seems like she is pretty awful to you anyway. So you feel like a shit parent and can’t work together to tackle it. I imagine she will be trying her utmost to take advantage of the situation based on how you say she’s behaved in the past.
So of course, you feel like a shit parent. You sound to me like a good parent. Setting boundaries and establishing standards of behaviour, taking steps to address poor behaviour and quite clearly caring deeply about the situation and your son.
YOU ARE NOT A SHIT DAD!
Ignore any and every post that begins ‘I am not a parent’
+1. I'm a parent btw.
Kids need calm and consistency and love, nothing else
I was told this about puppies, but I think it's true of children as well.
It's not easy being a parent.
Ignore any and every post that begins ‘I am not a parent’
Dunno about that. Nyour average 13 year old is capable of producing a spring or two, seriously doubt they'd have !uch to offer as parents though.
Equally a child psychologist/ social worker without offspring are probably going to be sources of pretty good advice. Would you trust a doctor who hadn't actually had the disease you've got?
Otherwise, you give pretty good advice. Kids also need boundaries and structure.