[Closed] So my life just collapsed and I'm in a mess

Can only offer a huge man hug.

Firstly, I'm sorry you find yourself in this position, it must be devastating out of the blue.

I've not been where you are but the main advice I've seen seems to be 'don't move out'. You lose all sorts of bargaining and financial influence on what happens next if you're not resident.

I'd get some decent advice from a professional (not necessarily a solictor but someone who knows the law in this area) before agreeing to anything as drastic as moving out.

Clearly your immediate priority now is your children and maintaining your relationship with them but you need to think about yourself and your future too.

Finally, is it *really* too late to go to relate and talk?

Sorry, devastating news for you .

Will all be very raw and emotionally difficult to deal with at the minute.

Have you both considered counselling ? Having young kids puts a massive strain on a relationship as it is, without the trauma you have both had to go through.

This is the bit you may not like. It's never one sided in a break up. You will need to work out what your faults are too in the relationship

Feel for you Pal, I really do. Truly awful situation! Having been through something similar many years ago, a couple of tips for you. 1. Don't move out, stay calm and friendly, but resist at all costs. 2. Take one day at a time. You will find yourself over thinking everything and work yourself into a state if not, so just aim to get thru one day at a time and almost imperceptibly things become clearer and therefore easier to deal with.

Finally just try and stay positive, even if it's the last thing you feel.

Cheers guys

Finally, is it *really* too late to go to relate and talk?

I have tried but she has shutdown showing no emotion and says she has been trying for a long time and this is the only way, as I say my minds going crazy and I'm devastated she does not want to try to fix this so I guess it's only natural to think their maybe someone else

Very sorry for you brokenman.

Firstly, don't think you've "lost" your children. You haven't. They are still there, fit and well and you will have every opportunity to be fully involved with them as they grow up. It may even be, if you stayed with your wife and she was unhappy, that they will be better off with two happy parents that are seperated than unhappy ones that are still together.

Secondly, if you are west Wales way, bike rides, coffee and cake are always available if you need it.

Rich.

After going through a separation this year, my tip would be: don't try and "take it on the chin" or "keep a stiff upper lip". Tell your family, friends and boss at work. You will need them and they will surprise you with their insight and support.

Crying is not a bad thing. Embrace it. You need it.

Be honest about things with your kids and never bad mouth the mother.

If she wants divorce then she can move out was the tactic I used, any equity we had was split between us and kids as I couldn't afford to buy her out 50:50 - 20 years on & the kids have a nice little nest egg waiting for them. Nicer response will be to get her to seek counselling before either of you make any move - we did this & it made the final decision much easier as I was effectively told there was no hope for marriage 🙁 best wishes whatever course you take.

Sorry to hear about you current situation. You are really at one of life's low points right now but things will get better over time. Holding it together when your world is collapsing around you seems impossible at the time but you need to put all your efforts into getting through this and getting the best possible outcome for all.
Did you and your wife seek any professional help after the loss of your child? If you did not then maybe you both need to sort out that issue in case it was the catalyst for the current situation.
As mentioned by other posters Relate should be your first port of call and do not leave the family home until all options have been exhausted.
Best of luck to you.

Do you have family that can help with childcare whilst you work ( almost ? ) full time ?

If so, hand her the property pages from the local newspaper and tell her you will be reasonable with her regarding her having access to the children.

Just to say sorry. And as above, don't move out. Go to Relate, even if it is to sort out the details of separation. Easier to have someone neutral there and better for the long term relationship from what I've seen. You will still both be parents and sorting out how you're going to do that in advance will help. Good luck, it's not easy. Take all the help that is offered.

We've been there.

Whatever you do think it through. Don't be dictated too. Negotiation is the way forward. Debt is equally distributed regardless of ability to pay.

Why should you move out? It's equally your house. She wants change then she can move out. No reason whatsoever for you to move out. Seen this so many times.

I didn't move out of my house. Children stayed with me too because I could support them and provide a house and food. It's your wife that needs a rethink. I'd explain that I'm not moving out. Don't get dumped out of your house and children's life.

Don't move out, what will presumably have to happen is that the house is sold and 2 new ones bought - is that financially possible? Unless she has assets to buy you out?

It may even be, if you stayed with your wife and she was unhappy, that they will be better off with two happy parents that are separated than unhappy ones that are still together.

As someone who was a child in that situation, can confirm.

my main concern is losing my children

FOr sure the relationship changes but you get half the week to do with them as you alone choose and do the things you want to do with the,
]They will grow up thinking they have two homes and two parents who love them dearly. They wont remember anything different

You can only lose your kids if you walk away from them and you wont be doing that
Even when a new partner comes along - who now lives with my ex wife- they wont take your place No one can you are their dad and they love you just as you love them

Its hard accepting some parts and dealing with others but you will not lose your children. Can I just repeat that bit you will NOT lose your children

As for the rest only you know whether its worth trying to save the marriage.

I would also say that time heals all wounds and it gets better. Nothing is worse than the time after being told. I was effectively sofa hoping for a while after mine. Its shit very shit but it gets better much much better

Man hugs, best wishes for you all.
It sucks but you will always be their dad as long as you are there for them and YOU alone make that decision

Ok, really sorry for you & if I was in that situation I too would be a broken man...

However, you need to get tough quick (which I know is easier said than done) she's set her stall out and you need to protect yourself. Try all you can to get your house (both metaphorically and literally) in order.

Support your kids of course, but support yourself too, because in a time in the future (that you can't even imagine right now) the dust will have settled and you'll be in a positive place and you really need to start building your foundations for that today...

Sounds harsh, I know it does, & sometimes the written word can come across as cold and uncaring & I apologise for that because I don't mean it to but; MTFU and draw up an action plan

Oh, & don't let emotion get in the way... ask yourself, how is she going to live and support 2 kids on 10k pa? She's not is she... sounds like you'll still be supporting her by the sounds of things... so tell her the kids can live with you and she can have them 3 days a week

Have I gone too hard there?!

Went through similar a couple of years back but even the most amicable separations seem to have a slight element of dog eat dog
My partner was very clear that I should move out, even though it had been her decision to change..

I discovered that for me to do this would put me in a weaker negotiating position in the eyes of the law, so I stayed put until we had worked out everything that needed to be worked out

Have I gone too hard there?!

A bit, IMO. Would the OP be looking for custody for purely financial considerations?

Just because his wife is the one who has made the first move doesn't automatically make her a bad person.

It's obviously going to be messy - how could it be otherwise? - but destroying any chance of an amicable solution just so the OP can live in his house would seem be a bit of a Pyrrhic victory. Especially as it would probably mean he can't work full time and make sure they were far worse off.

His wife is clearly the main carer of the kids day to day. Right now they are the priority and they need as much stability as possible in what will be one of the most difficult periods of their childhood.

OP, you have my sympathy - must be like a punch in the guts. But plenty of people on here have gone through this, and come out OK on the other side.

Wot Rob said.

awooga.

Sounds a pretty horrendous position. sorry that you're going through that

Two immediate thoughts
1 - don't move out
2 - ask for some time. She's clearly been thinking and planning it for a while, I don't mean that in a spiteful way. It's just been landed with you, ask for some time to process it.

But don't move out, move into a different bedroom

Its your house as well as hers, from what you've said you've done nothing to deserve being evicted from your home

oh yeah... forgot to say in my earlier post

welcome to a whole new world of hot chicks, drinking beer and riding your bike (almost) as much as you like! 🙂

Sorry to hear this and sending a hug but:

1) Go to the bank and transfer all the money into your name.

2) Go and get legal advice from a divorce lawyer.

3) Ask her to see a marriage councillor.

4) Tell her you need some time from the shock.

5) Don't move out.

6) Her loss if she doesn't love you.

7) You can be upset later, get cracking and protect your interests.

As Mr Clarkson said, time to man up.

Don't move out, if she wants to end the marriage, then she can face the consequences of her actions. Why should you fund her new lifestyle.

For all the bleeding heart advice here, you'll be the one who's shafted left, right and centre.

If she wants to leave, let her, just don't make it easy. Why should you. She's dropped the bombshell, she can clean up the mess.

A friend had the same experience years ago, she came back later as the grass isn't always greener. They had two homes, one in France and one here. She got the house in France and he kept the family home.

When she came back, she sold the French place and "bought back" into the family home. He wasn't going to go through the same thing a second time.

Deccisions you make now will have long term effects on your future. Take care.

Really sorry to hear that. I'm afraid that I can't really offer any practical advice, I think it may be best to consult a expert in Family Law than to listen to me.

However, I can relate to going through an incredibly difficult time. The past 3 years have been pretty rubbish for me as well, but remember this. You will get through this, and you will come out the other side better off. Please keep that in mind. Yes, the next few years are going to be tough, but it won't be forever. You are not going too have to fight this battle for ever, and one day you will be able to look back on this and, hopefully, like me realise that you are now happier with yourself and your situation than you were before.

Take a deep breath, keep calm, try and gather your thoughts as best you can, and go forward and build yourself a better life. I wish you nothing but good luck. Try not to beat yourself up about it though. It's happening, so dwelling on the past won't help, go forwards not backwards.

Also, you'll never find an answer at the bottom of a bottle (tried that, didn't work). What really helped was two things. 1) Having someone outside of the immediate situation to talk to. I had a really good colleague who was "Swiss" who I could just offload to. It was like lifting a concrete block off my chest. 2) Running/biking really does work. Having a bad day, go and run up some hills, get it out, don't sit there and dwell. Not good.

As you can see, quite a few of us have been through tough times as well, so you know you will always have a few pairs of ears to listen to you.

Good luck.

so tell her the kids can live with you and she can have them 3 days a week

Stuff like this ^^ doesn't help.

Sorry to hear of your troubles, OP. I've been through similar, although it was me that did the leaving.

There are some things you're probably not going to be able to fight her on: 1. Custody. Three nights p/w at their Dad's is as good a deal as you're likely to get, so I'd take this and co-operate, and don't start throwing demands around for full custody. 2. House. One of the first things my solicitor said to me is that no judge would force the sale of a house if it meant turfing a woman and children out. You're going to have to move out eventually, and rent, lodge or live with family.

I was skint when I moved out. I treated it like an experiment and lived wholesomely and frugally. I eBayed everything that wasn't nailed down in order to raise cash. Anything I needed, I got on eBay/Freecycle. I won't go into tips on how to live frugally but MoneySavingExpert will become your friend.

As someone else has said, you don't have to move out straight away. You'll need a month or two to get yourself sorted.

Stay strong man. Try not to be angry with your wife. Love your kids. Work out what you can afford, get on Rightmove, and cut your cloth according to [whatever the phrase is]

Been there, 20 years go now and our kids were young too.

Some good advice above, all i can offer to advise you to always look at the 'big picture'.

My wife left my for a new partner (they still together), i kept the house and took on any debts and had a private arrangement over child payments - based on what happended with friends, avoid the CSA at any cost.

The kids are now grown up and we've a good relationship - the ex-wife I stopped speaking to once the kids had hit 18 y/o, as I then gave them THEIR money etc.

welcome to a whole new world of hot chicks, drinking beer and riding your bike (almost) as much as you like!

Massively this

I've been and am still in someways going through something similar. The pain is horrendous and you think it will never end. I like many others can tell you that while it is never not a part of you it does get better. Right now you cannot believe that and that too is completely normal.
I know the temptation now is to try to give them all they want and do right by them but one thing I have learnt is not to do that. You will simply find yourself giving up all your self respect and dignity little by little. It took a lot for me to say enough but I have. More than two years on from things all falling apart and a year from her giving up on putting things right and we are still in the house together with the kids and get on well. The kids are happy with the situation and fully understand it and happy with the fact that she and more recently I are now in other relationships. Our kids are 15 and 18 though. We have shown them throughout that they are the most important thing and though we are not together we are most certainly united as their parents, no chance they can divide us and use that to their advantage! 🙂 We also have the advantage of enough space so that I can have my own room.
This is only possible though if you remain determined that you won't simply roll over and give way on everything in the forlorn hope they will change their mind. I've been there done that and learnt my lesson. Your wife wants to change her life well let her, but she cannot demand it's you that makes all the sacrifices. I will move out to leave the house with her and the kids for the next 3 years or so but only when I have the divorce through the consent order and everything to do with the eventual split of the assets signed and sealed.
Nothing anyone can say is going to make you see or believe that it will get better, Even if you know it will because that is what happens it won't feel like it. Best thing is too keep busy and I can highly recommend going out and buying a new bike, in my case the first road bike in over 30 years which shares the bedroom with me, no way that's going in the garage and it's a reminder that being able to do that shows every cloud does indeed have a silver lining. 🙂

On my part I still love my wife but it has been hard this past few years after [u]we lost our daughter[/u] and she had always struggled to be happy, I always try to be upbeat and support her but it has been tough.

This may be having a bigger bearing than you think. Email me, address in profile.

First thing OP. You are not alone - people are here! I will post more after work.

@ OP

Other than sympathy for your current situation and prior life events, I can't offer you any advice based on experience (though Mrs North and I have come close this last year...).

However, I can share some practical advice:

Your wife has - though you haven't seen it - gone through a period of thinking to arrive at her decision. Having now presented it to you, you're dealing with the initial shock. You need time to adjust to what she's said. And, while she'll want to press on (because she's further down the road) you need some time to get your head around this.

Below is the classic "change curve" and describes the states of mind you'll go through when adapting to change. Right now you'll be in the shock and denial phases - "This can't be happening to me".

You need to be clear with her that you are not going to react quickly to this news and need time to get your head round it. Try not to do anything or make any significant changes until you're confident you're making rational decisions.

Good luck!

[img] [/img]

As you have both lost a child your wife may be struggling with serious undiagnosed mental health issues, and she may be mistakenly attributing the effects of that to your relationship.

It's a horrible time.

I ended up back at my parents for a few weeks till I was back on my feet, walked out with nothing apart from a load of joint debt.

Things I've learnt:

1) The kids are the most important people in this.
2) Informal agreements aren't worth anything.
3) Mediation can be used as a financial stick to beat you with - Mediation will be free for her on that income and will cost you between £100-£150 a time if you're just mediating contact, more if you're mediating financial issues as well (that's cost me over a grand)
4) Mediation may involve a lot of 'trying things out' contact wise which can confused the kids as they never knew where they will be one week to the next.
4a) Despite 4, go to mediation [url= http://www.familymediationcouncil.org.uk/find-local-mediator/ ]find a local mediator here[/url] your first session should be free.
5) Try and get a decent consistent setup from the offset, 3 days a week is a bit of a nightmare to work with 3.5 is much easier (and a 3 to 3.5 maintenance break point) mon/tue with one, wed/thur with the other and alternate fridays/weekends is probably the best you can come up with
6) It's worth getting a court order even if you agree in mediation, get them to write up a memorandum of understanding, take that to a solicitor and get them to add a clause about changes being acceptable if agreed by both parties. It adds the flexibility that you will invariably need but stops any unilateral changes to contact.

Nearly 4 years later and i'm debt free and the kids are happy.

Email in profile if you want to chat/vent etc

Good luck, and don't give anything up (e.g. moving out of the house) without ensuring you are fully aware of and happy with any likely legal consequences.

For instance I've been having difficulties with my wife (we've been very stressed out with one of our two being ill, luckily we now know it's nothing life threatening if managed properly, as well as other general life stresses). She's talked about divorce, essentially I've tried to make the full consequences clear to her - e.g. much as I want the kids to be well looked after, I would be getting out of the mortgage and if she wanted to keep the house she'd have to buy me out if she stayed in it.

I know a lot of guys who haven't looked after their interests when getting divorced, have tried to be nice (paying for mortgages and cars, for instance), and have ended up being rewarded with vindictiveness and bitterness anyway. Remember that, for whatever reason, she's not the same woman you married, and your future and happiness is important too.

It's been said many times before on this thread - Don't move out until everything has been sorted.
Again as said before I also went through this situation and 3 1/2 years ago. My partner wanted to separated and wanted me to move out but took legal advice and the one major piece of advice was "DON'T MOVE OUT". If things turn sour then the mother holds all the cards and you find yourself in a very difficult place to negotiate.
The Ex Moved out temporarily until the finance and house situation got sorted. She is still bitter about this but at least i get to see the kids 50/50 and have managed to not ruin myself financially by renting indefinitely.
Your kids will always love you unconditionally as mine do and most importantly they will want to be with you equally as much as their mum.
I feel extremely sorry for your previous loss and feel that if you have had the strength to get through that then you can certainly get through this.
Stay strong, cry when you need to, love your kids, use your family and friends and be the man when you need to as you will be the one that remains has the balance and stability to solve this and come out the other side.
Oh and Good Luck - think we`re all sending you the love and strength you need.

OP, tough times for sure. Sharing them is good as yours is not a unique experience. I haven't had time to read everyone's posts but here is my first thoughts.

I am divorced (3 kids)

EDIT: I see this has been said many times

Do not move out of the house under any circumstances (well unless you think you might become violent which I am sure you won't). This will be very very hard (been there done that). However its important you do not establish the ability to live elsewhere. If the wife threatens to take the kids etc off "to her mums" then so be it. Stay in the house. Do not allow her to blackmail you with the kids (have seen this so many times and personal experience) into moving out.

Take great care with joint acconts and access to money, do not assume your wife will be reasonable as you see it or behave "as you would"

Ask her to go to Relate, if necessary go on your own and ask for help. You may be able to sort this out

I stayed with my ex-wife for at least 10 years "for the kids" in hindsight this was a mistake and they are happier now we are divorced

Don't do anything hasty. Its a shocking event but a calm head is required, Share all you want here.

Good luck

I stayed with my ex-wife [...]"for the kids" in hindsight this was a mistake and they are happier now we are divorced

Same here and absolutely agree with this.

Try not to be angry with her. She has made a very brave (albeit devastating for you) decision. Living with someone who doesn't care for you or want to be with you, would make you and your kids miserable.

After every winter comes a spring, so as hard at is is to fathom now, things will get better.

Good luck, be kind and look after yourself.

^^^ this is very good advice

Awful times mate. Stay in the house til you can agree to sell. Hopefully you'll have some equity to share (we split it about 80%/20% as her wage was lower, she needed a bigger house).
Relate is crap IME as it just brings out all the stuff that makes you realise it [i]is[/i] dead.
But my main advice would be to keep it amicable. For your sake, her sake and the children's sake. That's the only thing that kept me going when moving into a different house from the one my son lives in - the fact that I can still go and see him whenever I want to.

I echo what others have said, don't move out, get legal advice, it doesn't have to be fractious.

There will be surprises to come, I am sure people don't break all the news and don't be shocked if other things come out along the line.

A plan sounds good, but don't be dictated to, if she wants to seperate and has already talked about where the children will live then I assume she wants you to leave.

You say she is happy for you to have the kids 3 days a week, I would expect her to be working those days, can she? How is she going to afford things?

She can't force you out of your own home, she can legally change the locks, and you can legally break in (repairing damage at your cost). If she want's a plan, then that plan has to involve you rehousing yourself and she needs to explain how that is possible.

I had a similar situation nearly 6 years ago. I was 36, 2 kids and was skint at the time (not suggesting that you are skint, but I was so had to make careful choices). The difference was that we weren't married.

I can't advise specifically on the financial implications regarding your house, but I went to see a really good family law specialist and paid for the top person there. It cost me apx £500 for about an hour but it was money well spent as I knew exactly where I stood after. A good family lawyer will offer sufficient advice in an hour for you to know exactly where you stand financially and where you stand regarding access to the children.

Your relationship during breakup might be very different to mine, but 80% of the people I've known break up have had 'struggles'. Don't expect that it will be amicable (particularly in the early stages). Getting legal advice helped me during this very challenging time.

I didn't want to move out but realised that the house was the kids home and their safe environment primarily, plus whether we (men) like it of not, kids do actually need their Mum more than they need their Dad. Even though it was horrible moving out, I knew that it would cause the least disruption and hurt for the kids. NB. This was right for me and my family but might not be right for you; I can only share my experience. Legal advice will definitely help you make whatever decision is right for you and the kids.

If you have the kids one night per week, the CSA will take 20% of your net income as maintenance - this percentage decreases the more you have the kids. Don't view the CSA as a service to only chase absent parents, you can actually submit a case and your wife will have to live with the maintenance arranged.

At 36yrs old, I moved into a professional shared house - which actually turned out to be brilliant and I met some great people. They were good people and one other guy was in a similar situation. Our kids came to stay at weekends. With your kids being young you could have them stay in your room. Being a professional house of 4 people, 2 housemates were on longterm work contracts away from their homes so they only used the house share mon-fri meaning that the house felt more mine (and the kid's) at weekends. [url= http://www.spareroom.co.uk ]House Share[/url]

6 yrs on and my relationship with my kids is amazing. Financially I was able to rebuild. I met an amazing woman and am now married. I get on really well with my ex.

When you're going through the shitty times you'll think that life will never get better...but it does and it will.

Good luck with it all.

Stu.

altho already stated some things are worth repeating:

the kids are the most important people in this situation.
the kids are the most important people in this situation.

been in this position before and am currently in a not dissimilar position again. I make bad choices it seems. We aren't quite at your point yet but its a fine line we tread.

oh, and:
the kids are the most important people in this.

email me direct if you need a beer to cry in or if you want to come down the hookers and coke route I'm heading to. 🙂

Shit times brokenman 🙁 I can't add to anything said already

I very, very, very rarely agree with Jamba but like wot 'e sez.

Don't do anything hasty. Its a shocking event but a calm head is required, Share all you want here.

1. Dont move out.
2. Dont bad mouth her infront of the kids
3. Stay civil regardless of provocation
4. Dont move out.
5. Make your children the number one priority in this. Their needs and emotional wellbeing come before EVERYTHING.
6. Dont move out.
7. Try and agree as much as possible before Lawyers get involved. the more you can agree together, the less painful / expensive it will be.
8. Dont move out.

Best of luck. Dont know where you are, but if your near Bolton anytime, give me a shout and I'll pop out for a beer with you.

lowey + 1
but with point 7. If you do this get it written down...

DaRC you can see this as me agreeing with you ! I usually agree with Junky on this topic too. @lowey's post is spot on.

Hang in there OP, you are not alone plenty of us have been through it and more will in the future

Apologies for the hijack, but whilst my situation is somewhat different (which affects how anything is going to happen) I'm just about reaching the acceptance point and realise that I'm going to have to properly separate from the mother of my kids in order to move on with my life. I see everybody is saying not to move out, but I'm seeing a conflict between the following points:

[quote=lowey ]4. Dont move out.
5. Make your children the number one priority in this. Their needs and emotional wellbeing come before EVERYTHING.

Because the best thing for my kids is to stay living in the house they're in at the moment and living with their mum (mainly). So what do you have to do before moving out if you want to get on with your life? Or is all the advice not to move out on the basis of not following point 5? If I'm going to do this, then I want to make it as easy for them as possible.

[quote=avdave2 ]More than two years on from things all falling apart and a year from her giving up on putting things right and we are still in the house together with the kids and get on well. The kids are happy with the situation and fully understand it and happy with the fact that she and more recently I are now in other relationships.

So how does that work exactly? I've already been in the spare bedroom for over 2 years - though our kids are a lot younger and TBH I'm not sure how obvious anything is to anybody else that we're not just a "normal" family.

It works I think because I've accepted it's over and because I've got finally to the point of realising what she has chosen to do reflects only on her and not on me. For over a year I thought and felt the whole failure of the marriage was down to me but now I realise it was 50-50 and I'm 100% happy with all of my own conduct since things first came to a head. In short it works because I have my self respect back.
I will move out but only when I have a consent order which will give me 50% of the house once the youngest reach 19 if in full time education still. It's possible that my wife and new partner will buy me out before then but I'll not hold my breath on that. There is no mortgage to speak of so it seems a little off that she gets to live mortgage and rent free possibly with her new partner while I pay out for rent or try to buy somewhere but the whole system is so stacked against me I guess I just have to accept it.

I know that people keep saying 'don't move out' and this could be for some very strong legal reasons for all I know but having been in the situation, I found it unbearable staying in the house and it wasn't good for the kids to see such broken parents.

I don't think that there is an option for a forced sale so you're going to have to deal with the practicalities of the finances. Your Wife can't be forced to move out so you're either going to have to live an unhappy life under the same roof and your kids will suffer or you get out, get healing, get drunk, get riding your bike, get 'entertaining ladies' a lot and get the rebuilding process started sooner rather than later.

If you don't think that there is a genuine chance that the relationship can be saved, get sorting things soon. Who knows, moving out might help heal the relationship...but don't bank on that either as that is less likely than it is likely..

You might be liable for Child Maintenance and Spousal Maintenance as your wife could claim that her ability to earn has been hampered by taking the child care duties.

There is no getting away from the fact that you are going to have to pay. It might seem initially that you're outgoings increase significantly because of this, but a lot of this will be offset by the additional 'hidden' money that you contribute currently. You'll be free of the "I need £50 for (x) and £30 for (y)". The financial arrangement/court order will be a set amount and after that YOUR MONEY WILL BE YOUR MONEY.

Some have already said it, but get busy, stay level headed (I didn't and look back on that period slightly embarrassed), talk to friend and work - you will be amazed how much you'll be positively shocked and surprised by the support out there (and on here).

I would never have chosen to go through the same and certainly wouldn't have designed my life not living 100% with my kids, but I can genuinely say that I now am happier than I've ever been. I get time with my wife and we get every other weekend as quality time together, I see my kids every other weekend and that time together is all quality time and none of the 'get you're shoes on and get in the car, we're late for school' nonsense. I see my kids as much as I do my step-son (and he lives in the same house but is a typical teenager locked away in his room).

Priorities:
1. Kids - even if that means you have to improve their Mum's life to improve their lives. Supporting their Mum as a side effect of supporting them will get you thanks one day and you'll look back on this time with a certain amount of pride.
2. You.

As above. Im not sure people mean don't move out long term. What I've read suggests don't move out yet while there is stuff to sort out

csa is being disbanded so the emphasis is now on resolution between the parents to sort of payments for maintenance, mortgage etc .

Its a horrible time, seen mates in a similar situation, becareful who you talk to, be civil, dont move out,and be aware that having the kids 3 days a week may seem like free childminding to the ex, get legal advice regards mortgage ,loans, and your wages.

Ive not been through this myself but my instinct would be: hide your money, look for hers, and tell her that if she is not happy she can f*** off and live somewhere else

welcome to a whole new world of hot chicks, drinking beer and riding your bike (almost) as much as you like!

Well said that man!

As above. Im not sure people mean don't move out long term. What I've read suggests don't move out yet while there is stuff to sort out

It's like you don't move out officially even if you only stay a few nights a week, until such time as everything is legally in writing.

my uncle is currently going through a real messy separation. going by what has happened to him 'do not move out of the house'!! your misses will get full ownership of if your the one that walks out. that is what has happened to him. she has also claimed a lot of his belongs. the solicitor has give his missus the full rights and sympathy vote over everything even though it was her that was sleeping around. hide your finances and don't disclose anything. you will be surprised at how nasty and twisted separations can get.

I'm not going to offer specific advice OP as I can only imagine what you're going through.

In the meantime help yourself to a big virtual man hug. 🙂

[i]Ive not been through this myself [/i]

That much is obvious.

Don't Move Out. This advice is given by me and others in relation to any financial settlement , if you move out you are demonstrating to the court / her lawyer that you can pay for the family home, maintenance for wife and kids and still have enough money to get by yourself. Also in addition there is an element of that just being too cushy for the wife, drops and bombshell on you and she gets to stay put in what I imagine are fairly comfortable circumstances and have everything paid for.

Its clearly not a long term plan although I too am aware of circumstances where people live in same house sometimes after divorcing but mkre frequently without.

Now it may well be the final settlement involves the ex-wife living in the family home with the kids but imo that should be the result of both parties agreeing to it rather than the husband getting outmanouvered by the wife or her lawyer.

Good luck to all.

Lots of great advice already ^^^^^. I'd simply say that it can be very important to have equal joint custody so if you can provide care for 7 in 14 nights then do so. If you have just a fraction less then you are the non-resident parent and have less say in the eyes of the law. A lot less say.
Also with two children seek to receive the child benefit for one of them. This used to be an important factor for the CSA, not sure if it still is going forward but I suspect it would be a good idea regardless.
Good luck. It's sh#t but it does get better and life can still be good for everyone.

Been through something similar. Just really want to say I feel what you are going through, horrible times, however, in time, it does get better. As others have said, make your kids the priority here. Never bad mouth the Mother in front of them and just realise every second you get with them is precious.

Kids are very very resilient, they will know, or get to know, loads of other kids whose parents have split up and its getting to the stage where "its the norm". They will (as mine did) just see it as two homes, 2 places to stay (cant wait to go to daddys tomorrow etc)...

One of the best things I did was involve them in the process of moving out (when it inevitably happens), mine came with me to look for flats/houses, picked odd bits for the flat I moved into and speaking to them about it now they say it helped them get used to the idea that Daddy had a different home where they could go to.

I think the best thing overall though, and I was lucky I think, hearing other peoples stories, is that I could see the kids whenever I (or they) wanted. I never had a formal agreement and I would urge you to stay pleasant as possible with Mother in order that if you want to see the children on a night that is 'not yours' then its not a problem. there were some days in the early stages of the separation where I just wanted to see the kids and I dont know how I would have felt if I had been denied access that night.

Also, talk to friends/family, it does help getting it all out there. I actually found venting on a forum was good for me but I see you have already taken that step 🙂

More than happy to chat via email about experiences if you wish ...

So much good advice on this thread - nothing else to offer but look after yourself and your children.

No advice whatsoever on your troubles but if you want to head out for a ride at any point to try and take your mind of stuff just give me a shout.
No idea where you are but I live in the midlands but travel around in the south west a fair bit and would love the company of someone for a ride away from home.

What little I know of women, once their mind is made up it's difficult to change. Sorry.
The best advice I can give is; Lawyer up ASAFP.

Go to Mediation. This is not to stop the split it is to come to an agreement about the nature of the split. One in which you two get to decide what happens rather than your lawyers.

Very sorry for you brokenman. I can attest too that you won't lose your kids. My sister split from her husband when her kids were a little older than yours. They had two homes while they were growing up and were loved in both, and absolutely know their mum and dad. Much happier living in separate homes than unhappily in one together.

Sending positive vibes your way.

Thank you everybody, I can't reply to everyone but each and every post has ment a great deal (hot chicks here I come Lol) thank you it's really help give me some perpesctive.

As for an update, whilst I'm still pretty low we are being civil at home, I'm in the spare bedroom and we have mostly not seen each other.

- I have decided to take stock and deal with the practical issue ..again thank you for the advice
- I'm also going to focus on my health as I know it will be tough and don't want to sink into alcohol/depression
- And I'm also going to focus on my wife (as hurtful as that will be.. I expect rejection) as I want to know that I gave it my best shot until the end.

Tbc...

Cautious advice - don't try and fix "her" watched a mate try everything to keep his missus and the fact was she just didn't like him anymore. Most of my acquaintances who have had a relationship end have been in a similair position as you (missus tells them they have to go) a friend of my wife recently got shot of her husband and loudly proclaimed the bastard had had 27 years of her like - which included 2 great kids a nice house/holidays and a cracking business and to my knowledge he never did anything wrong, the truth is he had served his purpose and not being chauvinistic I have seen a lot of this in my 45 to 55 year old peer group. Gentlemen we are not a great proposition at a certain point.

On my part I still love my wife but it has been hard this past few years after we lost our daughter and she had always struggled to be happy, I always try to be upbeat and support her but it has been tough.

This may be having a bigger bearing than you think. Email me, address in profile.

We have had a chat and this was the start of the end, my wife suffered from depression after this and whilst I tried my best to help, my approach was clinical I tried to get our life in order, we moved house to a fixer upper and I spent all my time on that, I wanted to create an environment she would be happy in and remove all the stress from our life's, in doing so she felt I was not emotionally available for her when she needed it. The truth was I was in pieces and was struggling to cope and I buried my self in work. She wanted us to go to counselling but I did not want to (yes I know) as i felt like I'd have breakdown and I needed to be the strong one at this point.

Life's a journey as Aerosmith once said and you learn along the way. My experience is that dealing with a partner with depression is extremely hard for both so whilst with hindsight you might wish you'd done things differently, you had reasons at the time for not doing so and there's no way of knowing that had you acted differently things would have been better (for you or her).

I'd always recommend counselling to see if the marriage can be saved then, if not, mediation to try and get some ground rules agreed around access/assets/income before communications become toxic. I thought we could be adult/amicable, friends said otherwise. They were right and I was very wrong. I don't regret thinking it or trying as you have to do what you think might be best but with hindsight it probably wasn't. Depression makes everything harder and unpredictable, notwithstanding the men are from Mars issues (well worth reading if you haven't!).

Hi everyone

time for an update, well first things first it turns out my wife was/is having an affair. so in someways it draws a line under the breakdown of our relationship.

im still upset and having a few low moments but im getting better and coming o terms with the situation

i really do appropriate all your comments and advice, thank you hugs to all

im now in the process of doing the legal stuff and may need a few pointers but ill start another thread for that.

Your all superstars, love you all xxxx

Sorry to hear that fella, but not a massive shock after what you'd written... as you've established, best out of it then....

Sheesh... humans... you just can't trust them !

Hi, sorry you are in this situation

all I can say is look up divorcebusting - best advice you can get to survive and get through this

both you and your wife must have some issues that will need resolved, best of luck

Awful news to read brokenman, really feel for you. I was cheated on too, thankfully I don't know how they can do it to another person

All the best Brokenman.
Try to live in the present and let go of the past.
Not easy i know,the more you let go,the more you can enjoy the present.

LEAF PEOPLE
Some people come into your life and they are like leaves on a tree. They are only there for a season. You can't depend on them or count on them because they are weak and only there to give you shade. Like leaves, they are there to take what they need and as soon as it gets cold or a wind blows in your life they are gone. You can't be angry at them, it's just who they are.

BRANCH PEOPLE
There are some people who come into your life and they are like branches on a tree. They are stronger than leaves, but you have to be careful with them. They will stick around through most seasons, but if you go through a storm or two in your life it's possible that you could lose them. Most times they break away when it's tough. Although they are stronger than leaves, you have to test them out before you run out there and put all your weight on them. In most cases they can't handle too much weight. But again, you can't be mad with them, it's just who they are.

ROOT PEOPLE
If you can find some people in your life who are like the roots of a tree then you have found something special. Like the roots of a tree, they are hard to find because they are not trying to be seen. Their only job is to hold you up and help you live a strong and healthy life. If you thrive, they are happy. They stay low key and don't let the world know that they are there. And if you go through an awful storm they will hold you up. Their job is to hold you up, come what may, and to nourish you, feed you and water you.

Sorry to hear about your troubles, I have had similar in the past which led to divorce 8 years ago. All I can say is life has a few false summits and in time you should make sure you identify what is important to you as an individual, focus on that and move on. FWIW a humorous thread on STW got me back in the dating game 3 years ago and things are going better than ever. You will get there.

Sorry to hear it mate, but in many ways this news will probably help you come to terms with he fact that she aint coming back and nor should you want her. Focus all your efforts now on the kids, bite your tongue and keep things civil. I assume she will want a divorce so speak to her about the terms. Is she prepared to be named as an adulterer? If not then a two year separation may have to be the way forward.

Also, dont let your feelings of betrayal cloud your judgement. Keep a cool head and just remember you have the moral high ground. Be civil. You can be a total bastard as much as you want after the divorce. Make sure you compliment the divorce with a Financial Consent Order. This has to be drawn up by a solicitor, but well worth the money. Without it she can come after you at any time after the divorce, for excample a lottery win etc.

Keep on Keeping on mate.

Oh.. and dont move out.