[Closed] So my Dad might have Cancer.

You have to be strong for your mum bud regardless of how difficult it is. Yes your head is ****ed but so is hers never mind your dads. Forget Christmas and just be with your family.

Just be there for your mum and family. This is shit news, we went through this with my mum 3years ago, lung cancer that had spread throughout her body.

It's tough and horrible, but just try to stay positive, I am lucky, my sister is a pharmacist so dealt with all the medical stuff, I just did the practical stuff for my dad.

Anyway my thoughts are with you and your family. Keep posting here, people will have good advice and support

It is a horrible situation. I am so sorry.

A technique which helped me is to pretend I was an older version of me who'd been given the chance to go back in time, see my lost loved ones, spend time with them, do what I could for them. Helped me reframe it but YMMV.

If you have older friends or colleagues, a lot will have been through similar situations. Parents die before their children, that's the normal way of things. You don't have to go through this alone, there will be sensible, kind people who will be happy to lend you a sympathetic ear and help you navigate this very strange and sad time.
So, ring some friends, ideally ones who have been through similar. Rant at them. Use "ring theory" - helpful stuff IN (to your Mum and Dad, the people most affected), venting etc OUT (to your friends, who in turn send their help IN to you, the next most affected). Let your friends be your sounding board so that you can be ok (ish) for your Mum.

If it helps, the body often can't keep up strong emotions for long periods of time. So you may well find the anger fading anyway.

I’m just lost, I need to be strong for my mum but I can’t. She’s telling me to stay positive but I can’t do that either.
The only thing I have is anger and I can’t let that out without upsetting someone.

This Christmas is going to be shit and I don’t know what to do. He’s 65 and I’m not ready for this yet

That's just shit, I'm so sorry - what a horrible time of year, too. No-one's ever ready, but it's to be endured however it turns out, and I so hope it's for the best. Do be positive - it'll help your mum, and it'll help you too.

So sorry that you are in this situation.

I would recommend finding someone who you can safely open up to. It could be a friend, employee assistance - if you have access to it or even the Samaritans.

I find getting it out in the open to someone who just isn’t involved can help so much. Even venting in type here can really help.

I wish you and your family the best in this situation.

My thoughts are with you SW.

Some things in life are just impossible to prepare for.

It sound like the hospital are on it and hard as it is to hide anger try to tough it out for your mum as best you can.

Thanks all. I know I need to be strong and I know nothing is for certain at the moment, I'm just really struggling with the news and what it potentially means

I suffer with poor mental health as it is and on and off for the past three years have been receiving treatment for depression and anxiety so as you can imagine my mind has immediately gone into overdrive

SW, I won't go into detail but suffice to say I can relate.

Just put one foot in front of the other for the moment, that's good enough.

Perfectly normal reaction, I was the same. Suffice to say, you don’t know what you don’t know so for now be as positive as you can be for your Dad and Mum. Great advice above, worth taking on board as a coping and supportive strategy.

Best wishes.

Sorry to hear this, stressful way to start Xmas and your reaction is totally normal
As much as you can enjoy Xmas as a family
wait and see what diagnosis is, you don't much know at the moment

And just remember, there's a forum full of people here who are wishing you all the best

Sorry to hear about your Dad's situation. It might alleviate your own feelings somewhat if you can provide practical help and support to both your Mum and Dad.

Oh mate - I'm really sorry.

THIS is very good advice:

A technique which helped me is to pretend I was an older version of me who’d been given the chance to go back in time, see my lost loved ones, spend time with them, do what I could for them.

As is THIS:

Use “ring theory” – helpful stuff IN (to your Mum and Dad, the people most affected), venting etc OUT (to your friends, who in turn send their help IN to you, the next most affected).

My dad died of cancer at 54, I was 23. My advice would somewhat mirror that above: when you look back on this period (and you will do so for the rest of your life) what do you want to see? Nobody is expecting you to be a superhero and not be upset and emotional...... but your future self will thank you every time you think about this awful period, if you are able to remember some basics:

Prioritize time with your dad (how much would I pay for an extra few hours with mine? $10K? $50K? $100K? Probably more than that. So take some time off work if you need to)
Everyone is on the same side
Everyone is doing their best
Everyone is upset

Thanks all. I know I need to be strong and I know nothing is for certain at the moment, I’m just really struggling with the news and what it potentially means

I know that feeling, I've had it three times with my dad, two cancers and a heart issue. He's back on the park runs and talking about getting the canoe out again and is back to building my parents new house. He's been really lucky, I've been luckier.

You don't have to be strong you just have to be honest with yourself and others. Showing everyone you are hurting is fine it shows other people it's affecting you too. I found talking about it helped alot and by that I mean asking him my dad what he felt about what was going on, "pissed off" was his response, not scared or worried just annoyed, he also got really into the facts about it, how the cancer works, how the treatment works etc which I think helped him.

Uncertain time ahead for you maybe but you are together, so enjoy it and look after one another that includes letting people look after you.

I meant to add.

Get onto Macmillans there are also Maggie's centres. These guys are set up for cancer sufferers AND their families.

I also bought my dad a pair of morvelo **** cancer socks and a pair for myself, unfortunately I lost one so now I have a pink sock that says **** down the back.

Kinda know what you’re going through, my mum was diagnosed with cancer of her uterus a couple of weeks ago, had her mri scan last night to see how bad it is and if it’s spread, just need to wait a couple of weeks for the results 😕

Houns, I'm really sorry to hear that.

I really miss him, he's still in Hospital and I can't visit. He also can't talk so I can't even ring him.

I lost one so now I have a pink sock that says **** down the back.

Made me smile, thanks for that.

Coupled with what is going in with my Dad, my grandfather (my Mum's Dad) has also been diagnosed with bladder cancer in the last month. He's 93 with fairly severe dementia so it's less of a shock but My mum is having to deal with things on both fronts and I don't feel able to help her.

Just be her son. Make her a cup of tea and tell her you're sad/ worried too.

Get your daughter's to give her a hug etc.

Your dad is young enough to have WhatsApp on a phone. Videos from the kids etc. Mine went through the whole lot during the first lockdown, my mum literally had to drop him at the door for his chemo.

I don't know how your dad is but my dad was basically bored stiff in hospital as he struggled to read, get him on Netflix etc.

Just to go against the grain a little - don't feel that you've 'got to be strong'. It'll just put an extra level of pressure on you and cause problems further down the line. You and your family are having a crap time, and you're all entitled to break down and throw a wobbly. Just do what you can, and as joshvegas said, lean on any support groups you can. You don't have to carry the weight alone.

Sorry for what you're going through (I lost my dad to a brain tumour when he was 63, and my mom a couple of years ago to oesophagal cancer at the age of 75).

Swdan, I cannot really add much other than to echo the good advice that people have given so far and to offer an ear if you need to vent.

I went through a lot of what you’re going through with my dad when he got diagnosed and it took time, both to come to terms with it and to deal with things afterwards. Talking with someone really does help though and a lot of people realise that it is not just the people with the illness that need the support.

Just try and take things as they come. Big hugs, you too Houns.

My mum is having to deal with things on both fronts and I don’t feel able to help her.

The hug is an under-rated therapy and all that is needed at a time like this. Sending a man hug.

Try not to be too strong, be a willow not an oak.

All the best.

Not much useful to add other than sympathies. Watched MrsMC go through this with her dad in the last couple of years having to be the "strong one", and with a good mate who's lost his dad this year. With my parents in their 80s I fear it's imminent. I also have issues with anxiety and depression, so I understand how your mind must be going out of control.

I'd echo that it's not about being strong. Do what needs to be done, look to get things organised to take a bit of pressure off your mum. Make time for yourself to step away for an hour or so to clear your head, unload on a friend or on here. It's OK to be upset and feel overwhelmed.

Look at support as suggested above. If you are struggling, access and use your support if its GP, meds, counselling through work etc. If it helps you it will help your mum.

And having a good cry when it feels too much is perfectly fine too.

So many good tips and advice here, I can’t add anything other than to say good luck to you and your family Dan. And Sandwich is right, hug’s can help!

Fingers crossed for you Dan. Nothing like the same, but my Mrs had a melanoma this time last year and the macmillan nurse really helped to put her mind at ease. Speak to them if you can, they really are very good at what they do. All the best to you and your dad 🤞

And if this is your first rodeo - expect people to do mad / irksome things.

Severe illness and death appears to bring the madness out of the woodwork, or, rather, the low level what-is-their-problem behaviour. (I had one relative have a full blown nervous breakdown with aborted suicide attempt while another was in hospital, and THAT wasn't really a problem apart from the timing ... it's the "wildly unhelpful remarks" stuff I'm talking about, which just grinds your gears at EXACTLY the wrong moment).

Summary - expect people to say and do eyewateringly tactless stuff, but best to react with expressive silence and a private vent later.

Not much to add to what has been said other than, I've been through similar with my Dad and it turned out to be quite a cathartic experience but needs qualifying that it very much depends on the relationship with your Dad / family. I have to be honest and say that my Dad died but, as a family, we really opened up with each other and possibly stronger for it. Which is bitter sweet in that he's not here for that, but as someone else says "its natural for parents to die before their children". This assumes an eventuality which isn't what anyone wants, however I think being prepared for that in whatever way you can will help - whatever the (more immediate) eventuality is. Some good advice above for preparing. Be strong, also be honest with yourself and everyone.

Shit news.

As someone else said 1 day at a time. If that feels too much, take 1 hour at a time. Just focus on the immediate next step you need to do, hug you need to give (or receive), phone call you need to make or meal you need to eat. You will get though this but it might be journey of many small steps.

Keep posting on here. We might be an argumentative bunch of idiots a lot of the time but there is always good advise when times are tough.

Thank you all. I've seen a few of these threads over the years and secretly hoped I'd never have to start one, but I knew if I did people would be nothing but kind and supportive.

I've had the day to think about it, I've cried a few times and I've busied myself helping my Mum by collecting s the Turkey, doing some last minute food shopping and driving her to the hospital.

It still sucks, I'm still angry and upset but there is nothing I can do except wait to find out more. I wish I could see him, he's not great at WhatsApp at the moment as he doesn't have much energy to message but Mum says his voice is slowly coming back so hopefully I can call him soon.

All I would add is don't give up hope mate!

Cancer is a very scary word but there are some fantastic treatments available these days. I was diagnosed a year gone june and have just recently finished a year of treatment. Having a scan at the begining of jan to see if I'm all clear. The survival rates these days are very good and getting better all the time. I know two people in our circle of friends who have succesfully beaten it.

Oh I forgot about tiredness. Hook him up with audible.

That’s shit news and a horrible situation to be in.

We’ve just gone through something similar with my other half’s father, luckily they seem to have caught his in time.
When she was struggling with things she was advised to speak to MacMillan, they offer great support for families as well as patients. She found it incredibly helpful.
Might be worth a try for advice etc.

To top off this festive period, my Sisters partner tested positive for covid this evening so they now won't be coming here on the day either. It can't be helped but I could have really done with there being some extra people around, if only to break the menotomy

My mum had cancer of the oesophagus (excuse my spelling)…
If he’s diagnosed he will have a cancer nurse as a point of contact. They’ll be able to explain what is likely to happen. In my mum’s case she had the operation followed by chemotherapy. The NHS throws significant resources at this stuff. My experience was that no expense was spared in treatment. The consultants also were extremely good st explaining everything in layman’s terms.
There is also likely to be groups that the cancer nurse can put you in touch with, people who have been through it and are happy to share their experiences.

Sorry to hear that.

Have been through it all right up to my old man’s death on Oct.
If you want any advice or ideas of what’s going on feel free to message me mate.

Sorry to hear it Dan, i can sympathise as my mum told me a week ago that she has bowel cancer and that seemingly it has spread to her lungs, she is due to have surgery on her bowel to remove a large mass on 29/12 so will be in hospital for New Year and it is difficult to enjoy xmas really. She has worked herself up that she isn't going to survive the surgery, even though it is fairly routine.

All you can do is be there to help and do what you can for them, if there is anything they don't understand, don't be afraid to ask questions and ask for copies of the clinic letters between hospital and GP. i just got together some bits that would help her in hospital, loaded my daughters tablet up with some films and TV for her, brought her some comfy headphones she can put on to block out noise of the ward and some new pyjamas and slippers, just little things really.

I have a fairly pragmatic approach to cancer from having a wife who is a consultant on a cancer ward, so if you have anything you don't understand or want to ask any questions, or just to vent to a stranger, send me a message mate.

@scud I'm sorry to hear your news and appreciative of your comments. I'm coming round to it at now but am also aware we don't actually know much at the moment,the diagnosis has not even been confirmed.
I just wish I could see him

To @swdan and all the others who are going through similar: keep your spirits up and don't ever think you're failing at supporting them and the people around them. Just 'being there' and simple things like making a brew, fetching some shopping or just them knowing you're only a call away is enough.

My dad has just seemingly come out of the other side of skin cancer after over 2 years and it got very dark in that time. My thread is here and is full of lots of advice and support that people on here have given me so that's proof you're not alone. Cancer of any type is a complete and utter **** and will try and beat everyone down as well as the person who has it but we can always make the sufferer's time as good as we can through their treatment and recovery.

The one bit of advice I can give that is guaranteed to help though is don't forget to look after yourself, whether that's venting on here, taking time out or just voicing your thoughts to the cancer sufferer and friends/family. Good luck everyone.

Hi Dan. It's taken me a while to respond to this as I had to get some of my own thoughts in order first.

I can completely sympathise with the feelings you are experiencing. Having lost both of my parents to cancer 11 years ago, news a few months back that my wife had breast cancer hit us both like a hammer. However, once we started to get a grip of the challenge, we began to feel a bit better about it and more in control. It's early days for you/your dad so I'm hoping you'll also get that bounce-back feeling. We've spent lots of time and effort understanding the illness and treatment. That might work for you, but I know that others prefer to remain a little more in the dark. Whatever works.

As this thread has already shown, there are lots of others who have been through, or are currently going through, the same. There will always be a listening and sympathetic voice on here, even if you decide to eschew any formal support organisations.

In the mean time, I wish you and your family all the best and that things turn out well.

I have avoided this thread until now but I wish I hadn't.  In amongst all the bollocks in this place there is some real wisdom.  Likes

Dan just realise you’re not alone although it might feel like it, even if it means posting up on here many of us have gone through the same circumstances at this time of year, twice in my case.
If you can talk to the nursing staff, I know it’s a cliché but they really are angels, how the hell people do that job day in day out and don’t end up broken I'll never know.
Don't feel like you have to take charge just be there for your mum, as Sandwich said a hug really goes a long way.

Things have taken a further turn for the worst. We're still awaiting a diagnosis on the tumor but he was complaining of abdominal pain today and seemed a bit "weird" according to my mum. He had a CT scan and he has a tear where is oesophagus meets his stomach, they think caused by with the biopsy or the feeding tube. This tear has let an infection into his chest cavity and he now has sepsis. They are blue lighting him to a different hospital for emergency surgery tonight but we've been told in no uncertain terms is a tough operation.

I'm now back in London and my Mum is 2 1/2 hours away. My mother in law is coming over to look after the kids so my wife can drive me back to Mt parents.

I'm really scared I'll never see him again. I spoke to him briefly on Christmas Day but still haven't been able to visit. I've just messaged him but obviously he's not seen it as he's in an ambulance

Mate, that's tough to even read and my thoughts are with you and your family.

A good friend of mine with MS was in hospital a few months ago with sepsis. I was pretty scared to even readthe word when I got a text from her daughter...

Couple of weeks later I bump into her in the coop after she was discharged. She hasn't even let me know she was out, sod that she is, bless her.

I know sepsis is only one worry here but it's entirely possible he will beat this infection and you *will* see him again.

All the best once again mate.

Going back to my dad's time fighting C, there were many complications along the way - lots of side issues caused by the various actual treatments, looking and prodding. It was a bumpy ride but it sounds like they're pulling out the stops for him.

Thanks. I appreciate the replies albeit they are not expected. This thread is more somewhere for me to write down my thoughts as a bit of an outlet.

He survived the op but we've been told the next few days are critical. He's currently sedated in intensive care and will be for the next couple of days.

I'm heading back home this morning (funny how I still call it that despite not living there for 20 years), leaving my family in London which is not what I want to do but my Mum doesn't want a houseful and I appreciate my two children, whilst a welcome distraction sometimes do mean you never get any peace and quiet.

I am going through a similar thing with my wife. She was told she had cancer summer 2020 and put on palliative treatment 18 months ago and keeps fighting. 50 sessions of chemo, a hip replacement, 2 Christmas's and some real ups and downs but you need to make sure you talk to friends STW or anyone. You physical and mental health is paramount to you supporting everyone in your life. Try and focus on the now instead of when the worst could happen. Try and be positive and even go for a short ride or walk or even a pint with friends. It shouldn't also be the only point of conversation. Talk about other crap. Its very easy to write this but now just have to follow my own advice!! Good luck on your journey.

Unfortunately my Dad caught covid last week whilst still in hospital and passed away this afternoon. I'm at a complete loss, mainly because my daughter has Covid and I currently have symptoms (albeit testing negative) and I don't feel like I can go and be with my mum and sister at the moment

So sorry, my condolences to you.

Oh no, Dan, that is heartbreaking, I am so sorry for your loss mate, sending a great big virtual hug to you and your family.

Oh that’s awful, so sorry

Thats brutal.  Nothing we can do or say can help really.  Just know that your friends and us are here for you and do not be afraid to ask for help.

Re the Covid and being with family - are they vulnerable?  Ask them if they want to take the risk?

@tjagain not vulnerable, I just need to be sure it's the right thing to do. I don't want Mum to get and be cut off from her local support network after I've gone. It sounds silly but it's one of the many things on my mind

Really sorry to hear that news.

Stay strong for your Mum and family.

We have all got your back.

Sorry for your loss.

As for your final point, it's Not silly at all, she'll need her social network as well. Can you video call? Far from the same as being there in person but all I can think of to suggest.

@swdan, I hadn't seen this thread when it was first started, so have only read it all through just now. I am so sorry.

I can sympathise deeply, as I lost my dad - with whom I was very close - five years ago to cancer, and I still think about it all the time. It is horrible.

I am thankful to this place for the sincere care and expressions of sympathy, though, as it is a reminder that we're not alone. So, not that you need me to say it, but don't stop coming on here for advice, support, or just to vent.

Best wishes in spite of everything.

Thank you all. We still don't, and probably never will know what the original illness was. They don't think it was cancer in the end but just this week mentioned that it might be lukemia. Unfortunately once we left the relative safety of a very good ICU I was always worried about covid and the hospital he was in was known to be struggling and had installed extra beds in their wards to fit more people in, meaning the beds were closer. That's not their fault, they did what they had to do. In the end he wasn't strong enough to fight it, he went from having a spiking temperature to this in the course of about 24 hours.

Dan, my deepest sympathies to you and your family.
My Dad died of stomach cancer 30 years ago and I still think back to how he was when he had good health.
It's a really tough time for everyone and made worse by your daughter's covid.
You're not alone.
You will find inner strength to get through this but be prepared for big moodswings; don't try to fight that - just let it happen.
If you need to cry just do it - don't suppress it; it's a normal emotion.
Always remember the good times and share them with your Mum; family photos are a good way to do that.
When you need to talk outside of your family I would suggest calling the Samaritans as they provide a great listening service.
As pointed out above you can (and should) continue posting here; emotional support is massively important.

Tough times mate, hang in there.
Only you know whats best for your family at this moment in time.
Similar to my dad, was stable and ok in icu, on the mend and getting better so back to a ward, heart attack next day. Gone.
Covid is a bar Steward.

I’m also very sorry to hear this. Stay close to your mother and sister by phone and you’ll be able to be with them very soon. Accept offers of help and hold onto the good times. I miss my parents every day.

Aw Jesus mate - I'm sorry. Lost my dad 20 years ago - and I still think about him, if not every day, then certainly every week. More so recently actually - I wonder what he would have made of all this.

Grief is a funny thing - it's a cliche, but it's true that it affects different people in different ways - my sister became a deeply unpleasant person while she was grieving for my dad. So just don't judge people too harshly in the coming weeks/months, they are just trying to process/come to terms with it as best they can.

The hardest thing I found was that "life goes on" - not that (insensitive) people say it, but because it's true: you still need to take the **** ing bins out and change the lightbulb under the stairs. It feels like you should get a reprieve from all that sh*t, but you don't - some dickhead will still ring up and try to get you to combine your gas/electric when you feel like the world has stopped turning on it's axis.

Don't know where I'm going with this other than to say that the death of a parent is one of the hardest things most people have to deal with, so just go easy on yourself, and those around you.

Terrible news Dan. Please have my deepest sympathies to yourself and your family. 🙁