[Closed] So another STW failed marriage on the cards

What about trying Relate or similar? Gotta be worth a shot?

Its abit swift isn't it. She comes out with it on Sat night and already worked out the details. She doesn't want to work on it etc. Are you SURE there isn't a third party. It doesn't make sense- you'd go through trying to make it work for the sake of your daughter first. Even if it was a veneer.

Relate

[quote=hora ]Its abit swift isn't it. She comes out with it on Sat night and already worked out the details. She doesn't want to work on it etc. Are you SURE there isn't a third party. It doesn't make sense- you'd go through trying to make it work for the sake of your daughter first. Even if it was a veneer.
It doesn't work like that. By the time I came to have the [i]"no - I don't love you anymore"[/i] chat with my first wife I had already been through the various scenarios. At the time, I took her inability to see that things weren't working out as proof that they really weren't.

For the OP - it seems like you both have different interests. She has her gym, you have your biking. Would there be any merit in trying to share these a bit more?

Sorry to hear this seems very harsh. If you both want to give it a go until Xmas then I guess there's hope. I think you need to find out what has changed to change her feelings and see if that is something you can both work on. I know you hurt at the moment but if you really want to give this a go then you've gotta get over that and try and keep the communication going or get it better than before.

Best of luck

Jay

My marriage failed around 10 years ago, from a relationship that lasted 7 years. Similar circumstances, no other parties involved, she just got cheesed off with me. We have a daughter who was 3 at the time and that broke my heart more than anything. They now live in Canada, I get to see my daughter once a year but keep in touch online. It is tough. I was in a horrible place for a couple of years after the split.
For what its worth, I am now in love with my current partner, she is the coolest thing ever, loves me spending on bikes, rides a Horst link 5 spot, drinks ale etc, we have a 6 month old boy who is amazing. She has given me confidence that I never thought I could have, I'm in the best job i've ever had and I'm now in a better place than I ever thought possible.
I hope things work out for the best for all three of you, reconciliation is always favourite. However, if things do go tits up, don't despair, you never know where the future can lead. Your daughter will always be your daughter and that love can never die.

All the best

JW

hora - Member

Its abit swift isn't it. She comes out with it on Sat night and already worked out the details. She doesn't want to work on it etc. Are you SURE there isn't a third party.

I suppose your next pearl of wisdom is strongly suggesting a check of parentage like on the last potentially failed marriage thread? 🙄

Hora, some people are like, that, I do details immediatley when bad things happen, as much as a form of distraction as anything else. And since they have the option of a convenient solution its worth knowing that stuff for peace of mind.

OP, my instinct from reading your post was that she sounded genuine, and it is what it is.(having read the other-guy threads recently there was a bit of a pattern and this, from what you say, doesn't fit it) Worth looking into relate, if only to assist in the openness and stuff for you, they can give a little structure to discussions maybe.

Sounds horrible anyway. Maybe see if you can a get a mates weekend away to just ride, get some space, reflect etc. All the best.

You have my genuine sympathies. Talking and listening to each other, and being honest, is important. Also try Relate - even if the outcome ends up not being the one you envisage now. Try to ignore any comments that aren't constructive. I wish you all the luck.

I suppose your next pearl of wisdom is strongly suggesting a check of parentage like on the last potentially failed marriage thread?

Why? on THAT thread the OP had said his wife WAS knocking about with a bloke from the office and he'd happened across the evidence. In relation to that thread, it was a relevant comment to make.

OP How often a week do you ride? I used to ride all weekend, most weekends and it started to grate with mrshora, she said nothing. Kept quiet and it came out in conversation that she felt neglected. Now its one ride and super-early.

know where near to the same extent as the op, but, a similar thing happened to me two years ago. I'd been with a girl five years, happy, never argued just as you two. Then, after a drunken argument, all my fault I'll admit it I was a dick, she came out with she wasn't happy and that she didn't want to be together anymore. Like you the world fell out from underneath me. I was happy, I loved her and more to the point I loved our life.

This all came out on the Saturday night, but wasn't definite. By Monday I pushed for an answer, she couldn't give one. That was enough for me. She left that day saying she was staying at a mates for a few days. That night I went into our bedroom after having a shower and she'd left a partly packed bag, an over night bag if you like. I was having friends on at me saying "their must be someone else" etc so I looked in the bag. There was a flat let prospectus from two weeks previous, so she was well down the line by the time we'd had the drunken argument that Saturday night. So I guess my point is this, by the time she'd said something she was already well down the line both emotionally and practically.

I feel for you lad, I really do. But all the old cliche's probably apply. It probably is for the best, it will get worse then it'll get better.

I never really went on here when I was going through my break up, but I can see why some do. I'll leave this post saying, use your friends, don't hold things in. I have a top best mate who I couldn't have been without during my break up, in fact i'e a couple of mates that really kept me on the straight and narrow and gave me crucial advice and support when I needed it most.

So it's not infidelity (think positive), it's just become a non-sexual relationship. Disappointing, but I don't think it's uncommon. Or necessarily a deal-breaker if trust, support and respect mean more than sex.

Otherwise, Relate.

yetanotherone - Member

Something changed about six months ago...

hora - Member

Its abit swift isn't it

🙄

Agree with Relate / counselling to try and establish what is behind her decision even if it only helps you to understand and find some form of closure if it's beyond recovery.

Sex? Whats that? 😥

no idea fella

As others have already said, Relate.

I cannot speak highly enough of relationship Scotland (our version of Relate) got Mrs Duck and I back together,and stronger, through what seemed like a completly dead relationship. Good luck,and from experience it gets a tiny,tiny,tiny bit less awful everyday.

Forget all that - Did you get the takeaway?!

Can someone delete the idiot post above.

I was married nearly 10 years when my ex dropped the "I love you but I'm not in love you" bombshell. We had been going through a rough patch for a few months but it still felt like the end of the world at the time. We had twins who were 4 1/2 at the time and who were concieved after our second try at IVF. We were trying to concieve for 4 years prior to them being born, which would test any relationship in itself, and the IVF process itself is really tough. By the time they were old enough to start looking after themselves a bit and we had some time to ourselves again my ex realised that she had fallen out of love with me and the spark had gone and it was insurmountable.

She assured me there was no one else involved and I had no reason not to believe her. We were honest with each other, talked it all through and gave it a few months but like you say, you can't force somebody to love you. She agreed to go to Relate but she had already made her mind up. At the time I would have stayed with her for the sake of of the kids but I have since realised this would have been the worse thing to have done. Like some of the previous posts all of my mates (one in particular) were invaluable in helping me deal with it all. I think I saw more of them for the few months after we decided to seperate than I had in the previous few years.

Thankfully, we were able to keep it amicable throughout the whole seperation process and the kids who are now 7 1/2 don't seem to have been affected at all, which was my main worry. The divorce was finalised last year and I now live with an amazing woman who I met through Match.com (the thought of dating again after all this time scared me to death!) three years ago. She has two kids of her own and we have my two every weekend. I now live 40 miles away from the kids and there have never been any issues with me seeing them whenever I want to, which was the most important thing.

Sorry, I'm rambling but to summarise I would say be totally honest with each other, try Relate (even if it is just to help you come to terms with everything), talk it through with your mates (it's what they're there for), get out on the bike (it helped me think) but most importantly understand that it's not the end of the world (even though I'm sure it feels like it right now) - sometimes these things happen for a reason.

Good luck with everything, I know what you're going through and my email address is in my profile if I can help in any way.

Rich.

There has been a few suggestions for relate but if someone has fallen out of love and not attracted to someone to want to be intimate, then what good will relate do.

Wow, some really great advice and responses guys; I honestly expected a few more I struggle with long sentences ones! Now it's out in the open (even if "only" on a forum) I feel a bit better already. My main concern is our daughter, but we are both level headed and generally try to do the right thing so hopefully this will be an amicable split if and when it comes. The fact that we can live so close to each other is a good thing.

Weirdest thing of all is I feel not dissimilar to when I lost a parent; it's like I'm in mourning at the moment :weird:

We need a new forum category under the agony aunt header... jeebus!

I speak from 0 experience sorry but I'd say trying to do some more random activities and bonding days out may be a good idea... since you both sound so level headed i also think speaking to a professional will make sure its 100% what you want and you've seen the motions out.

hard one, and sad but don't dwell - if thats that and you've given it your best shot then head up be proud of yourself

Do you spend much quality time together? I'm guilty of biking too much so me and my wife now spend every Sunday and every Thursday evening doing something together, taking it in turns to decide what it is. It works well.

Ummm, here's a slightly different angle: I told my wife I wasn't in love with her, etc, etc, a while back. In hindsight I was going through a 'dark patch' having been diagnosed with depression some time back. Thankfully we're through it all now and getting on fine. From some of the info you've given I wonder if this might be be an issue? A difficult one to braoach, though!

The aim of Relate is not to get couples to stay together regardless. It is to get them to work out what to do, how to come to terms with the decision and how to move on with their lives whether that is together or apart.

I and my ex found it really useful. I did the leaving and had decided the marriage was over before we went to Relate, but they were still really useful in helping us change our relationship to one of ex-husband and wife, and in working out how to communicate the change to our daughter, 9 at the time.

Op - it is just like mourning. In my experience it felt like mourning the loss of the life i had imagined myself having (classic nuclear family) vs a new uncertain future. Expect the process to take a while

Back off, give her some time without pressuring her for reasons or an explanation (not easy but you have to suck it up for a bit) and just be there for the little un, It will feel like your head wants to burst for a bit and your emotions will be [s]Up[/s] down and downer... but don't lose it, hold yourself together..Don't turn into inspector Clouseau trying to trip her up, if she is.. it's too late, and if she isn't you'll drive her away, jealousy is an ugly partner....
What will be will be...good luck.

My main concern is our daughter, but we are both level headed and generally try to do the right thing so hopefully this will be an amicable split if and when it comes. The fact that we can live so close to each other is a good thing.

IME young ids dont seem to have any emotional baggage at the time as they are too young to get what it means

Even when someone new comes along they dont seem to react or get it in the sense an older child would - ie what it all means.

How it affects them when they are older i will just have to wait and see.

The expression '7 year itch' isn't random, it's a difficult hurdle and real hurdle for many folks to get over. There are a whole bunch of things that work at the start of a relationship that don't work later on once you have settled into a routine such as working out where you are going next. Relate or other pro help can be useful as sometimes it is difficult to see the problems from inside.

Glad you are both up for working it out though. First hurdle over

[i]but you can't force someone to be in love with you right?[/i]

No you can't.

I've just finished my only serious relationship after we prett much had that discussion. Friend? Yep, some-one to be with and talk to? Yep. Lover? erm.... It's shit, but it's better to know.

Give her some time, maybe she'll change her mind, but prepare yourself for the idea that she won't.

Definitely get some counselling.

Love means many things and changes throughout a relationship in any case. It's not all skipping through corn fields in the sunshine, perhaps your wife has lost sight of this as it seems you have a lot going for your relationship.

[quote=yetanotherone ]Weirdest thing of all is I feel not dissimilar to when I lost a parent; it's like I'm in mourning at the moment :weird:
Now imagine yourself in her place. She may have already begun that grieving process while you weren't actually aware.

Junkyard - Member
My main concern is our daughter, but we are both level headed and generally try to do the right thing so hopefully this will be an amicable split if and when it comes. The fact that we can live so close to each other is a good thing.
IME young ids dont seem to have any emotional baggage at the time as they are too young to get what it means

Even when someone new comes along they dont seem to react or get it in the sense an older child would - ie what it all means.

How it affects them when they are older i will just have to wait and see.

Good luck with whatever direction you both choose to take

Kids are quite resilient

I beg to differ, although I can understand why parents who screw up would like to believe that.

Besides, childhood should not include a need to be resilient - adults can concentrate on putting up with shit and not dumping it instead on children.

This

The expression '7 year itch' isn't random, it's a difficult hurdle and real hurdle for many folks to get over.....Glad you are both up for working it out though. First hurdle over

and this

Love means many things and changes throughout a relationship in any case....it seems you have a lot going for your relationship.

Sticking at it and not giving up in the bad times is as valid an expression of love as anything else.

Sticking at it and not giving up in the bad times is as valid an expression of love as anything else.

Simple phrase but inspiring.

The OP outlined a very similar situation to the one I find myself in. The fun and passion has long since gone, but there's a 4 year old and 2 year old to consider and they're too damn important.

I've repeatedly questioned whether I would be happier alone, but the glue that binds us now is our children rather than previous shared interests. If there were no consequences I'd be doing bad things, but I cannot bear the thought of my son or my daughter looking at me and thinking that I'd let them down or hurt their mother for my own selfish pleasure.

Life moves on, love is expressed in very funny ways sometimes. But if you and your significant other can be friends over lovers, that is a considerably better situation than millions find themselves in. Witness Justin Lee Collins missus...

Relate may help, almost certainly it will provide clarity and direction. Don't let something end without trying every option, you have a child at a very impressionable age to consider. They're resilient things kids, but I see a lot of friends with grudges against one parent or another and I think how lucky I am to not have that problem.

Been through this. Not married hut co habiting with small child and other half ending it. At the end of the day we tried getting back together but it didn't work. Was miserable for a bit. Nipped seemed fine as still seems time 10yrs later. Got myself together. Hobbies helped. Got good at biking. Now happy in another relationship. Very amicable with ex. You have to be or the kid will suffer. It's tough at times. You have to bite your toungh and be firm at times.
Good luck. Sometimes its just not meant to be. Roll with it and don't let it get the better of you. Have fun wither nipper. you get some serious quality time together without mum telling you its not safe.
Sorry about the spelling. Bloody phone

[i]I beg to differ, although I can understand why parents who screw up would like to believe that.[/i]

Kids can be very resilient, depending on the circumstances. If you fall out of love with your spouse, I don't call that 'screwing up'. 'Screwing up' is making a mistake, no?

Dont feed the troll

It seems to be really common at the current time for the lady to reject the man as opposed to the other way around, it could be down to the fear women may have of being in a trapped relationship, or fear that their husband boyfreind may reject them, so they do it first.

Either way its no fun for the kids or families and lets not forget the freinds who will now start to take sides.

[i]it could be down to the fear women may have of being in a trapped relationship, or fear that their husband boyfreind may reject them, so they do it first.[/i]

It could of course be a sign of increasing equality.

Been there. This is the time you will find out who are your friends and who are acquaintances.
I was lucky, I have three truly good friends. Listened when I needed to talk and always asked how I was, but most of all gave up extra time to get me out on the bike, to clear my head, even if I didn't feel like it.
Don't keep it in, talk about it. You've had a good response on this forum. Keep us updated and you'll get it off your chest.

You have my sympathies ( my divorce cam through on 7th Sep after nearly 18 years). My advice is to try everything you can to make it work but to try to protect yourself against the possibility that things may not go well. I found out after six months of Relate that my wife had been conducting an affair with someone at work, I tried hard to make it work regardless but ultimately to no avail although in the end it was her decision to split. I can cope now because I know I did nothing wrong and I think I'm in a better place than my ex as a result. Try everything, but stay strong, for your own sake.

It's worth mentioning that children/young adults do notice adult behaviour and they can become rather confused. Believe me, it's interesting having chats with my son (he's now mid-20's) and his take on his parents' former relationship.

Thanks all you don't know how much some of these comments have made me cry and laugh at the absurdity of life.

So I went out for a ride, came home and had a couple of beers, read over this thread, and do you know what, I think it's going to be OK. I hope we can resolve our issues but if not then we can remain friends and do whatever we can to bring our daughter up in a loving, stable environment.

Also I can quit saving for a bigger house and spend more money on bikes and cars, grow a beard and drink beer in my pants, which is quite appealing 🙂

Surely a glass would be a better receptacle?

😉

Good luck, whatever the future brings you!

As ever there's been some really good advice here,

My 2p worth.
Councilling is well worth a shot IF you both want to give it a try. Its pointless if one party can't really be bothered (my experience)

If I were you, whilst hoping for the best have a loose plan in case the worst happens. Its easier to throw away the worst case plan than make it when your feeling really emotional and vulnerable.

Your mates are really important.. they DO give a s**t.
I basically disappeared for 18 months whilst I tried to save my marriage, in essence i wasn't allowed to see my friends, they were boring apparently. My mates were awesome when I re-appeared with "my news"

All the best to you. I really hope it works out for you and you get what YOU want.

Also I can quit saving for a bigger house and spend more money on bikes and cars, grow a beard and drink beer in my pants, which is quite appealing

This is pretty much what I have done, she never let me grow a beard so its some thing I now enjoy doing on an irregular basis 😉

All the best kid, genuinely

Why not cop off with a younger and better looking woman? Or does that just happen on Pistonheads? 😆

We've been together 25 years, married for 19. There have been plenty times when either one of us could have thrown in the towel but we didn't. I'd say we are probably stronger now than ever before.

Marriage takes a shit load of working at. All sorts of things can cause problems, i.e. boredom, frustration, thinking other people "have things better", depression, tiredness, routine. You get the idea.

If she's willing to get down to Relate, hot foot it ASAP. May not get all the answers but having someone to mediate could help. By doing nothing you stand to lose everything. Be a bit proactive.

Really sorry to read that, sounds absolutely dreadful.

I have been through similar things, but on much shorter relationships. Have you thought about the qualities of your personality that she fell in love with when you first met?

OK thought I would give an update.

We've talked about things almost every day for the last month and some really hurtful stuff has come out that I honestly wasn't aware of. She has been to two counselling sessions (but didn't want me to go with her) and has said she has found them useful. She has given me snippets of what they talked about but I have been careful not to push.

She really resents me for being controlling: I can admit I am very assertive and someone who likes to get things done. She said that this was one of the things she found really attractive about me when we first got together, but nearly a decade on she feels totally different and feels like she wants to run away.

She says that the big disparity in our earnings means she doesn't feel like she has a say in the things we do: I'm sensitive to this and make sure I never bring it up or play the "I'm paying so we do what I want" card, and I thought that it was my job as a husband to provide for her and take care of the mortgage, bills, holidays, cars etc - but for some reason this isn't right.

She says she feels "wrong" having any physical contact with me and has even started getting changed in the bathroom so I don't see her undressed. She has stopped wearing her wedding ring. These two things cut me really deep.

She has asked for a trial separation. We are renting a flat in the village where our daughter is going to attend school (we need to be in the catchment area; we were due to buy a house there at Christmas but obviously this is not going to happen now so this is the next best thing) - but she has asked me to move there, rather than her move out into the rented flat or our other house. I am furious about this; I never brought on this situation and I feel that she should move out and live independently if she wants some space.

I am angry, depressed, and becoming paranoid, which I have never ever been. I find myself freaking out every time she gets a text or email or spends time at the gym or with friends. I'm drinking lots and not eating, and have started smoking again. I've lost 2 stone in weight. This isn't the real me, she is destroying me. Part of me wants her to suffer but I still love her deeply and want things to go back to normal 🙁

On the plus side I went to the pub on Saturday and had "the eyes" from a really attractive girl who came over and introduced herself and we had a good chat; she was way too young for me and it could never go anywhere but it was a great ego boost!

Whatever happens; DO NOT MOVE OUT.
Would you like me to repeat that?
Get your finances in order, it sounds like it's coming to an end (sorry).
This may be the best for you as your mental and physical health is suffering.

On the plus side I went to the pub on Saturday and had "the eyes" from a really attractive girl who came over and introduced herself and we had a good chat; she was way too young for me and it could never go anywhere but it was a great ego boost!

nowt wrong with havin a bash though 😉

stay strong fella.

Good luck to you.

I'm drinking lots and not eating, and have started smoking again.

Do what you can to look after your physical health - it will help your mental health over the coming months (plus keep you looking sweet for women in pubs!).

Whatever happens; DO NOT MOVE OUT.

Have you ever heard anyone who's been there, talk of cutting out the middle man? Just meet a girl, then give her a house?

That's certainly the way the legal system looks at it

Chin up fella. Its a miserable time but you'll get through it!

Stay strong. I know it's going to seem tough, really tough to do that, but you have to keep it together.

I know that she's gone to a couple of counselling sessions, but it would really help if you both went to something together. Sometimes having a third party involved in a discussion can help work things out.

One thing I will say though is that you have to quit the drinking and smoking NOW. It will not help you at all and will, worse case, make things harder for you should there be any issue of custody later on. However, that's conjecture. RIGHT NOW it will be ****ing up your body, so stop it. And start eating properly too. It's amazing how much better you will feel when you've slept properly and had a decent meal.

Keep it together. I mean it.

Whatever happens; DO NOT MOVE OUT.

What's the problem with moving out? (genuine question)

OP, please be careful with the drink/smokes, it can't lead anywhere good at all. Sounds like you (understandably) need a bit of a self-respect boost. If you've got the time, how about working on fitness...good for stress, escapism, self-esteem imho. Best of luck, however things turn out.

I am angry, depressed, and becoming paranoid, which I have never ever been. I find myself freaking out every time she gets a text or email or spends time at the gym or with friends. I'm drinking lots and not eating, and have started smoking again. I've lost 2 stone in weight. This isn't the real me, she is destroying me. Part of me wants her to suffer but I still love her deeply and want things to go back to normal

I could have written that, I feel your pain I had to live with my wife for 3 months after she ended the marriage it was a very toxic situation I also knew she was having a 'friendship' with another man, it was truly awful.

All the best, I hope it works out for you, but be prepared for the very rocky road ahead.

You'll never get back in and end up paying the mortgage (for the term) on a house that you don't live in and you will not be able to force her to sell. At least if she goes, you get to live in the house which you are paying for.
If she wants a separation, then she can separate into the flat.

Look after yourself, you need to combat that depression.
Get a good constructive routine sorted.
Eat well.
Sleep well.
Even if it all seems a bit pointless and you feel like an empty shell, this will ensure you have the strength to get through this.

You'll never get back in and end up paying the mortgage (for the term) on a house that you don't live in and you will not be able to force her to sell. At least if she goes, you get to live in the house which you are paying for.
If she wants a separation, then she can separate into the flat.

+ 1 million!

I hope mum has a nice time coming round to visit you and your daughter, and taking her out for the day.

ecoute et repete!

You wouldn't go far wrong having a private off-forum word with binners OP. Hes been through some interesting times and come out the right way up.

nowt wrong with havin a bash though

Is it cheating to er, have physical relations, with another woman if my wife leaves under a trial separation? I'm not sure what the etiquette is these days

What Wrecker says

trial separation

The answer is in the word 'separation'. You're single, so go for it.

Is it cheating to er, have physical relations, with another woman if my wife leaves under a trial separation? I'm not sure what the etiquette is these days

I think it's traditional to agree boundaries before embarking on a "trial separation". If you both agree to boff other people then I'd suggest dropping the word "trial" from the process.

Don't do anything that you would not wish to be bought up in divorce proceedings or wifey could tell you daughter of later. Be squeeky clean.

As above. Have been there (in a slightly different way), I remember the wedding ring thing. It was horrible at the time, a very dark place that I thought I'd never get out of, but a few years on I have never been happier. It does get better.

3 pieces of advice:

- Don't move out;
- Stop smoking and drinking. Completely. You yourself need to deal with this, not through a prop. I stopped drinking totally for 2 months and it is partly what saved me, I think. It messes you up, particularly sleep patterns. Don't just have "one", focus your anger on maintaining that self-discipline;
- Stay away from other women until you feel ready to move on. Otherwise it gets worse when that inevitably goes wrong as you're not over this one.

[i]Don't do anything that you would not wish to be bought up in divorce proceedings or wifey could tell you daughter of later. Be squeeky clean.[/i]

This, if only for your own sanity and self-respect.

You will know, we all do, bitter divorcees (or separatees). Tell yourself, repeatedly as necessary, that you're not going to become one. Be the bigger man and do the right thing when the situation calls for it.

This doesn't mean bending over backwards, it means acting rationally, fairly and in adult manner and not acting out of anger or spite. It's by all means not easy, especially if the other party will not do the same, but stick to your guns. It will help you in the long term as you will be able to look back with a clear conscience.

I really think ononeorange and IHN are speaking much sense and you should definitely take this advice onboard.
Personally not been where you are, but I feel for you! good luck.

I have been in a similar situation not long ago.

Heres what I learnt:

1)If things get acrimonious it can quickly spin out of control.It is bloody hard to be rational but you are far more likely to get what you want by being firm by fair and keeeping the lines of communication open.

2)If you haven`t already found it the wikivorce forum is a great source of free information.

3) Keep doing the stuff you enjoy and have a routine.

4)Your kids will still love you.

5) Solicitors will tell you that you need to involve them as much as possible,when you can actually do a lot of the work yourself.Try to sort out as much as you can about finances through dialogue with your ex before you go down the solicitor route.

6) There is light at the end of the tunnel.

To the OP - sorry to read about what you've been through this past few weeks, as others have said, there is light at the end of the tunnel, so try and keep it together for the sake of the little one. No-one could accuse you of not wanting to try to fix things.

As others have said, do not under any circumstances move out of the home. You already have a second home, so missus can go there to cool off and you need to arrange appropriate access for your child. Do not allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed into moving out.

You need to get a grip on the drinking and smoking, which will be much easier in familiar surroundings. It's a big ask, but you'll be the better person for staying clean and sober. If you need to seek the help of a group, then do so.

OP very sorry to hear your situation. Sounds like she needs to get a grip if you ask me, you sound like a nice fellow just trying to do the right thing.

If she doesn't appreciate you there are thousands out there who will so keep your chin up! It may not seem like it now but things will get better, time is a great healer.

Thanks all for the kind words, you've really helped me out, sometimes venting to "strangers" is good therapy. I've taken on board the advice about sorting myself out and being strong.

I think I have turned a corner today - no drinks or smoking yesterday and the same tonight and I feel as if I am out the other side of something. Do you know I'm starting to think that this isn't such a bad situation, I will be able to do what I want when I want (after my daughter's needs obviously), will be able to enjoy being "me" rather than "us", and RJ blunt and bombastic as you are usually I hear what you are saying.

Maybe it is her that has the problem and I'm the unfortunate patsy, maybe I could have been a better husband, but I can see a way through this now and I know I can hold my head high and with conviction say that I treated her in the way a lady deserves to be treated, and if she can't appreciate that then hey it's her loss. I know I can still be an excellent father to my daughter and that is what is important.

Good man, yetanotherone. Keep going, you know you can.

Here here, that's the spirit 🙂

Reading between the lines in your first post she seems to not fancy you anymore, if the sex is bad then she was always going to get bored and leave eventually.
Should have spent more time watching porn and taken those ideas into the bedroom, blowing her mind in the bedroom from time to time would've kept her keen.

You're welcome.