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Sorry, this is all a bit netmums, it will be long and rambling, I'm not looking for answers or a conversation really, though there are a few questions, mostly I just want to get it off my chest.
I have been a user on ST for years, though this is an alter ego.
I'm 42, and since turning 40 it's like I've suddenly woke up and realised I am wasting my life trying to achieve what has been pre-determined for me by my upbringing, peers and society. I have in effect been living the lie adhering to this ideal, ignoring who and what I really am, suppressing urges, conforming, etc. You get the (familiar I am sure) picture. Married 18 years, 2 children, good job, usual trappings of the aspirational middle class existence.
Scratch the surface though, and it isn't good, or particularly healthy.
I've had three serious breakdowns including hospitalised with depression. I'm beginning to realise this is because I've been conditioned to bury the truth, put on a brave face, do the right thing, get back to the coal face. A psychiatrist once told me "you must be well, society needs you to be well as you have a family, and responsibilities", immediately prior to prescribing a debilitating quantity of heavyweight drugs. Back on your feet son, slip that mask back on.
For at least the last 10 years my marriage has been loveless, held together simply through the practical demands of normal life. 10 years ago my wife had an affair, we gave it a year to 'heal' for 'the sake of the children', which I instigated. Think of the shame! Got to maintain the pretence, happy family, nice car, nice house.
It turns out that may have been the biggest mistake of my life.
Shit seems to have got very real since turning 40, I suddenly notice soulless unhappy people shuffling around a mere 10 years ahead of me, all of a sudden 10 years seems like nothing, it's virtually around the corner. I am acutely aware of past mistakes, they have a very long tail, it increases the pressure to get it right, make the right decisions.
I have recently taken on a new job, striving beyond my comfort zone to move up the ladder. It's not unusual for me to pull 14 hour days including travelling. It's tough, tougher than anything I have ever done. I get no thanks, I expect none, it's my duty, right?
I role in exhausted gone 8pm. I make my own cup of tea, prepare my kit for the next day, maybe make myself something to eat. I'll pop in and see the kids in their rooms, my wife doesn't move from the sofa, I'm lucky if I get an acknowledgement.
On weekends I do my washing. I make all the meals on a daily basis when I am here to do them. I do all the meal planning, and do the shopping. I run all the major mechanics of housekeeping, finances, housework, gardening, general administration, there's nothing that happens in this house without my hand.
I get no thanks, I expect none.
In social and family gatherings, I am openly criticized by my wife, she seems to take joy in humiliating me, it hurts me. But, got to keep up the pretence right? Happy families.
My family do not tolerate open hostility, we have always shoved things under the carpet, emotions are a sign of weakness. My mother told me they don't understand depression as they came from a generation that learned to be 'tougher'. I recall them visiting me in hospital, I had been there several days, I asked them to come. They were horrified and embarrassed.
For the last year I have had almost daily thoughts of leaving my wife and creating a new life for myself. I am terrified of the future, on my current trajectory I'll be working myself into an early grave through stress and depression. I will be one of those soulless folk in the supermarket I see, people being instructed in the minutiae of daily life by uncaring spouses, filled with self loathing and regret. I've had a taste of regret I don't like it, I simply must do something to prevent wasting another 10 years of my life.
Yet, I am struggling to overcome the conditioning of my upbringing, and society. It's so selfish isn't it, to simply want to be happy?
I have nobody close enough to me with whom I can trust to discuss any of this with. Not even siblings, they don't have the time, too busy creating their own lies.
I have decided to leave my wife, she doesn't know yet, she's sat on the sofa in the other room. But I am going to pay all the debts off first which is going to take me a few months.
To be honest it feels like someone has to make the move and put us both out of our very respective miseries, I am convinced we'll all be better off for it.
The hardest part of all is dealing with my inner demons, the guilt, finding the courage, overcoming it all. Three lives are wholly dependent on me.
What an absolute waste.
You only get one life pal, do what makes YOU happy!
Sounds like you've made your mind up. Good luck. I'm sure you'll be grand.
Do it, get out, you'll all be happier. Sounds like your kids are old enough to realise things aren't right, you owe it to them and to yourself. That sounds an utterly miserable existence and life, as you know, is too short.
May I suggest counselling for you and your wife before you leave her for good.
Dude, you're letting her 'do' this to you, I hate to use the mtfu quote, but women need to be dominated now and then, no doubt there will be howls of derision from the hand wringing luvvies, but men are supposed to be men, you don't stand for being humiliated in company, put her down, right there, right then.
Why bother to be married at all if you're doing everything, I mean it's not exactly love, sex and roses is it?
Before you dump here, verbally fight back a bit, seriously given you're going anyway, give it a try.
Guilt? Didn't you say she's the one that had the affair, why are you feeling guilt? Other than for kow towing all this time.
Honestly, women need to respect men, just as we respect them, but that respect needs earning, from both parties and part of that is drawing lines that don't get crossed, tell her how it's going to be from now on, see if that works, if it doesn't then you're no better or worse off and just dump her and go on your way.
A psychiatrist once told me "you must be well, society needs you to be well as you have a family, and responsibilities", immediately prior to prescribing a debilitating quantity of heavyweight drugs. Back on your feet son, slip that mask back on.
that is ****ing dreadful. I feel for you mate, and, although the following link is Jim Carrey at some american Uni graduation, it's true. Do it.
Yanbu, leave her, go ride your bike and be free. All the best mate.
Do it. Good luck fella.
What crispyrice said. Things might be knackered and maybe you'll end up going your separate ways but a channel of communication needs to be opened and better it ge between the two of you than between your respective solicitors.
Oh, and ignore what rossatease said. 'Women need to be dominated'. Really? I mean, really?
holy shit, that Jim Carey clip, thanks.
Yeh I can tell some shocking stories about our mental health services, but it does nobody any favours. It's a tough job in an area of medicine of which we know virtually nothing relatively speaking.
I am willing to accept I have been a bit of a mug over the years, but it was absolutely for what I thought were the right reasons. I think in essence getting old focuses the mind, which is a considerable understatement! Some drift onwards through life not daring to change and wind up miserable for the rest of their lives, for others that possibility is intolerable and you make a change. I am hoping I am the latter.
Thank-you for your replies.
When I was a teenager my Grandma said to me "this life thing, it's not a dress-rehearsal, you only get one go".
Took me to have a divorce (in my early 30's) to really understand what she meant.
Nearly 50 now, and glad I remembered her words.
Good luck with whatever you do.
You're just like me, bottling up all the resentment and promising yourself you'll be free of it one day. In the interest of a peaceful home and our child I bite my lip but I believe that, once he is off our hands, I will be taking the same decision that you just have. All I can say is well done for having reached that decision, do what needs doing then get out. You deserve it.
Sounds like you need to speak to your wife to see how she feels about your marriage and where she sees it going.
An amicable spilt could be on the cards which will save a lot of trouble.
To be honest you both sound so lonely which is sad.
All the best
hey, if you ever want to get on your bike with a random stranger and live anywhere near milton keynes give me a shout and we can have a poodle about
[i]Dude, you're letting her 'do' this to you, I hate to use the mtfu quote, but women need to be dominated now and then, no doubt there will be howls of derision from the hand wringing luvvies, but men are supposed to be men, you don't stand for being humiliated in company, put her down, right there, right then.
Why bother to be married at all if you're doing everything, I mean it's not exactly love, sex and roses is it?
Before you dump here, verbally fight back a bit, seriously given you're going anyway, give it a try.[/i]
'Verbally fight back a bit', Then what? I was in the same situation in 1991. Best thing that ever happened was that she bogged off with a mate of mine & I've never looked back. It was horrible to start with but me & my 2 boys came out pretty good. Think of yourself, not others as it doesn't pay off.
No consolation but I am seriously depressed/stressed with work issues ATM. There's a few of us in the same boat on here I reckon.
Yes, just to acknowledge the communication thing as I may have made it sound like the other party is completely oblivious to the situation. We've come very close recently, both admitting we're unhappy.
It would be amicable,I'm committed to that, along with the practical support. We have kind of talked about that in the past.
Although I am not being naive here, I know in reality it may not be that simple.
It was actually me that prevented crossing the line the last time, and I have to be honest, it was the influence of my family. Divorce/separation just doesn't happen in my family.
I am aware that one of my issues is I need to break free from that influence.
Actually, I feel sorry for her, she's dependent on me and unhappy.
My marriage is also ****ed btw. Can't afford to move out at present though and I don't want to leave my kids, so we'll be living as housemates for a while and in reality have been doing just that for a couple of years.
A very sad post indeed but people forget that a marriage needs to be worked at by both persons. That becomes even more important when children arrive.
At the very least you need to have a discussion with your wife and find out how she feels about the state of your marriage. Ask her what she's wanting from life.
If you do decide to split then you need to be sensible and practical as regards your kids, the last thing you want is a breakdown in communication as regards their welfare, money, visiting etc. Keep it civilised.
There's no gold medal for enduring a marriage and you shouldn't beat yourself up for feeling so empty. You've been taking your responsibilities very seriously, it's a pity your wife has chosen not to recognise this.
It will be bloomin' tough to leave but just remember that eventually the bad days will lessen. Take care of yourself.
It was actually me that prevented crossing the line the last time, and I have to be honest, it was the influence of my family. Divorce/separation just doesn't happen in my family.
I am aware that one of my issues is I need to break free from that influence.
I understand that. My mother completely changed towards me when I informed her that my marriage was over, probably due to bringing shame on the family. It was my life and wasn't prepared to 'justify' or otherwise to anyone. You need to rise above it.
I was just about to post a very similar reply to Cinnamon Girl but she puts it better than I could. Keep it civil and protect the children whilst you are doing what you need to do for you.
Take care,
Jay
Lazy women are the worst. I cant help but feel the modern man has the short end of a very shitty stick.
Nowadays we are expected to do it all, the roles of the sexes have been blurred which is great n'all but they haven't been blurred equally.
You've got to stick up for yourself in any relationship, its just a shame the rots go on for so long and you feel its past saving. When you get married I think you have to except your woman is going to make your life miserable to some degree, after all that is marriage.
Life's too short to be miserable.
Wow atleast you can see the woods for the trees, mate you only have one life and at 42 rather then 82 you have realised that things aren't right and something has to break .... don't let it be you again please... be selfish and make a plan that helps those that you care about which includes your kids, stuff the wife she doesn't sound like she cares for you from what you wrote in your OP. Stay focused, talk to your friends, ride your bike and have a beer and most importantly keep your dignity.. I've been through something similar and it will end and get better.
Good luck fella.
When you get married I think you have to except your woman is going to make your life miserable to some degree, after all that is marriage.
FCOL. 😯
Lazy women are the worst. I cant help but feel the modern man has the short end of a very shitty stick.
When you get married I think you have to except your woman is going to make your life miserable to some degree
What a load of utter garbage.
Lazy women are no worse than lazy men.
Not really the thread for challenging views folks. Opinions, are just opinions.
Hopefully you can work out who to take advice from on this thread
Some of you guys are miles away from humorous and not worth engaging. Your views were outdated 40 years ago.
I am not sure if talking to anyone will help you here tbh including her.
All i can say is that after a divorce the first few months are pretty rough but it improves
Dont leave the family home either as you are ****ed about access to kids
See a solicitor for advice as afterwards seeing your kids is what will count and the mother [ generally] can make that very difficult for you if they want to.
Good luck
You have responsibilities to your kids. Would they rather have a happy dad or a miserable dad?
I can understand the wanting to keep the family together etc, but you bring no shame on yourself by ending your situation. If your family think otherwise then that's there problem.
Growing up in a home devoid of love is not a way to be well adjusted. It affects how you show and are comfortable around affection later in life.
Also it may not stay a silent disfunction forever.
My own input based on what you have written, and how you have written it is for all concerned, follow your gut.
All the best in your coming months.
FCOL.
What a load of utter garbage.
Yes marriage is a fairy tale of happiness from the moment you put on the ring until death.
Its people like you with unrealistic expectations of marriage that get divorced. Relationships are difficult, sticking together through the shit times is what makes a lasting marriage not it being "wonderful".
I think my post has been deleted, fair enough, it was out of line and i apologise. 😳
Thoughts to build on the sensible advice given up there (ignore the anachronistic caveman nonsense):
1. Get your financial affairs in order
2. Seek out professional (legal, financial) advice on a "what if" basis to understand the things you need to consider (kids, money, housing, etc)
3. Get some personal help to get yourself in a balanced mindset - face into your own part in the situation
4. Set a date when you're going to bring this up with your wife
5. Only decide on the future based on the outcome of 4
I have no experience of this, other than as the child if permanently resentful and unhappy parents, at least one of whom refuses to separate or divorce due to the public shame (in spite of their own "private" failings)
Good luck
I think my post has been deleted, fair enough, it was out of line and i apologise.
My moderate and reasoned response has also been deleted so dont feel too bad.
Blimey. Some strange hang-ups and attitudes being espoused on a thread that has started with someone in a bad way.
To the OP. It sounds like you are the one who can hold your head up, and you are the one who has tried. Just going on what you have said, it sounds beyond repair to me. Take yourself away from it all for a couple of hours. Maybe set off on a ride and just go to the top of the nearest hill and sit for a bit. Take away all the immediacy of the situation, all the flash points and all the stress. Then make your decision and stick to it. You are only 40 odd, that's plenty of time to have a second bite of the cherry.
If you are going to split, do what you can to make a clean break of it. Try not to leave any feelings behind, animosity, regret, whatever. Square it all away and move on. I don't know how old your kids are, but don't let them become an 'issue' with regards to what you decide. Hopefully you have a good enough relationship with them and they are old enough to trust you and your motives.
Best of luck. Life is full of bullshitters, career climbers, devious individuals and the like. If you can look in the mirror and honestly say that you haven't lied, cheated or deceived anyone, then you deserve another go. There are a lot of people out there who are going to wake up one day and realise exactly what they are, and be unhappy with what they see.
Been married close on thirty years and fought almost every one of them, but I tell you now, don't fight and you end up doing the easy thing, and **** up the kids lives with a divorce. Women are psycho's each and every one of them in one way or another and all you can do is stand your ground now and again and I emphasise now and again, the bit you left off of my quote.
Having been married 6 years, it certainly hasn't been all sweetness and light, but i think you're tarring all women with one brush, following your bad experience? if all women are Psychos, in one way or another, then all men are too.
Also, if the divorce is handled well and maturely by both sides (not straightforward i know) then the kids might be better off. the kids will get just as ****ed up living in a house with constant arguments and hate in it.
if you're having to fight constantly in a marriage surely it's better for everyone to end it?
I think keeping a failed marriage together until your children turn 18 or leave home is exactly the wrong thing to do - one's late teens & early 20s are often a very difficult time, whilst younger teens can be kept in the security of their new home(s) with whichever parents they live with. Your children would want you to be happy - and your unhappiness will affect them negatively.
Big issues for kids at uni who realise their "happy" childhood was a sham and they made their parents unhappy
there is no good time to do it but kids recover and sooner if it is handled well
PS dont feed them
Rossatease - women are "psychos"? Really?
😯
I think you are right mate
Staying after the affair was probably a mistake but now you know so get yourself free.
Good luck man
marriage is hard enough when both of you pull together and things are going ok, i will say i admire your resolve to keep trying after she had an affair, im not sure i could.
as for openly humiliating you in public, no way would i stand for that.
left my 1st wife shortly after her father attacked me with a hammer, i smashed his face to a pulp, and while i was being put in the police van i asked her why we were doing this to each other. told her we would both be happier if we split up. so we did. im happier, but tbh i couldnt give a shit if she is or not.
please get out of it before you end up like i was, im disgusted at allowing someone to make me lose control like that.
ps, a few months later i met someone while i was at work, we have just celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary and tbh we have barely had a cross word in the 10 years we've been together.
you only get one shot at life.
Just. Crumbs. At some of the posts here. OP, **** the debts, go now. Right now, tonight.
Yes really, haven't had much experience of them if you don't know this much..wallop - Member
Rossatease - women are "psychos"? Really?
warton - Memberif you're having to fight constantly in a marriage surely it's better for everyone to end it?
Well I wouldn't take that too literally in he 'fisticuffs' sense, I mean it in the if something is worth fighting for sense, if you love someone and their acting unreasonably and upsetting you what are you going to do about it.
a)Say nothing and hope 'she' comes round
or
b)Tell her she's being unreasonable and to correct her attitude (The trick is delivering that statement and surviving it).
We're not talking about my marriage, my opinion and that is all it is, is that the male role should demonstrate a point where it will not be ****ed about, don't adopt that role and for sure you will be, they're like kids, they'll push the boundaries all the time. Women are very complex emotional characters, they mature a lot earlier than men, but never really grow right up, they can be bitchy, selfish, unreasonable certainly illogical and it is a bloody minefield dealing with their bullshit, so every now and then you just have to lose the plot with them, let them know there's that line right there, that you aint having them cross it.
Whatever it works for me, sure most of the time I'm as pussywhipped as the next guy, but, only so far.
Best of luck ivano.
Ignore the bitter losers who haven't got your confidence in their own ability to create a better future.
rossatease - I don't believe you're real. If you are, I pity every, single female human you encounter in your sad wee life.
EDIT: pity was the wrong word, I feel a bit sorry for any humans at all who cross your path. The pity is reserved for you.
😯 at some of the views on here - I'd call them Neanderthal but that's unfair on the Neanderthals.
user-removed - Member
rossatease - I don't believe you're real. If you are, I pity every, single female human you encounter in your sad wee life.
And you'd recommend what? Running away, leave her, leave the kids, because she made you unhappy?
What is it with you people..
Well, I'd recommend finding a grown up woman who doesn't behave like a spoilt princess for a start. Do you live in Essex?
edit. just never mind.
Best of luck OP
user-removed - Member
Well, I'd recommend finding a grown up woman who doesn't behave like a spoilt princess for a start. Do you live in Essex?
That's a crap answer, try again without being insulting, they all act like spoilt princesses, because that's what you make them think they are to start with, it's inevitably you that changes, when they direct their attention to the kids rather than you, then life weighs in dealing other shit, at your work, their work, your friends, their friends, all manner of bollox complicates married life, but you don't deal with it by rolling over or running away.
to the OP,, youve two issues feeding your mental health.. the devil on the sofa and the one inside that says the 14 hr days are the solution..
new job new housemate.. in that order.. sort the bills once the first two are sorted..
rossatease - Member
wallop - Member
Rossatease - women are "psychos"? Really?
Yes really, haven't had much experience of them if you don't know this much..
warton - Member
if you're having to fight constantly in a marriage surely it's better for everyone to end it?Well I wouldn't take that too literally in he 'fisticuffs' sense, I mean it in the if something is worth fighting for sense, if you love someone and their acting unreasonably and upsetting you what are you going to do about it.
a)Say nothing and hope 'she' comes round
or
b)Tell her she's being unreasonable and to correct her attitude (The trick is delivering that statement and surviving it).
We're not talking about my marriage, my opinion and that is all it is, is that the male role should demonstrate a point where it will not be **** about, don't adopt that role and for sure you will be, they're like kids, they'll push the boundaries all the time. Women are very complex emotional characters, they mature a lot earlier than men, but never really grow right up, they can be bitchy, selfish, unreasonable certainly illogical and it is a bloody minefield dealing with their bullshit, so every now and then you just have to lose the plot with them, let them know there's that line right there, that you aint having them cross it.Whatever it works for me, sure most of the time I'm as pussywhipped as the next guy, but, only so far.
What a sad little man you are, with an extraordinarily poor judge of people if you think all women are like the ones you seem to associate with.
There isn't a single woman of my acquaintance who fits the description you've described there; sadly, I'm not married, but all of the women who've been close to me through my life are all still people I'm proud to call friends, and I'm pretty sure I'm a good enough judge of character and personality to never develop a relationship with anyone who fits your description. I'm talking about girls/women I've known for thirty to forty years, BTW.
The lack of maturity shown by some here is truly astonishing. 🙄
To the OP; I'm desperately sorry things have got as bad as they have, and, tough as it may seem, I really think that you and your lady need to sit down and really [i]talk[/i] to one-another. There's no communication at all, it seems, and you really need to break through that, and come to a mutual decision about your marriage, where each of you sees it now, and where you want to go in the future.
I broke up with someone I loved with all of my heart years ago, because there were issues that I couldn't quite articulate, and kept bottled up, and in doing so I broke her heart too, and I've never quite forgiven myself, and lost someone I could have easily spent my life with, a truly lovely human being.
If I'd only [b]talked[/b] to her, things could well have been very, very different.
Unless the two of you communicate, neither of you will ever know what common ground you have, and whether or not it can, or cannot be made to work between you both.
Sounds like things are broken beyond repair, but unless you both know where each of you stands, you won't know how much you can rescue, letting you both walk away with dignity, and mutual respect for each other.
Good luck, and best wishes for the future.
CountZero - Member
What a sad little man you are blah blah blah.sadly, I'm not married,.
And I'm the sad little man?
CountZero - Member
I broke up with someone I loved with all of my heart years ago, because there were issues that I couldn't quite articulate, and kept bottled up, and in doing so I broke her heart too, and I've never quite forgiven myself, and lost someone I could have easily spent my life with, a truly lovely human being.
If I'd only talked to her, things could well have been very, very different.
Unless the two of you communicate, neither of you will ever know what common ground you have, and .
Well you'll have to excuse me, but that looks like another way of saying exactly what I've been pointing out. Don't tell them and they won't have any respect for you. And you lost. Me? I tell her all the time, both the good news and bad and yes it could be described as fighting, but we're 29 years in and still rucking and the last thing I am is sad. I don't bottle anything up so I aint depressed, nor does she, in this case anger is often a better emotion to display than hidden despair and we row, but all the time we're rowing, there is still clearly interest.
Make the move OP. Do it sooner rather than later. We only get one go on this ride make it a happy one.
15 years ago, i left my partner, my whole life, family and friends, hometown and all the trappings of a cushy life because i hated all the bullshit that surrounded me. I hopped on a plane and came to Australia, 6 months later i met the love of my life and we battled everything life could throw at us to stay together. Safe to say that 15 years later we are still together and have a sweet life, so far removed from the chaos that was my previous life. I'm a bit like you, I'm 41 and whilst I have no kids, I had a lot of guilt and perceived responsibility that kept me "in place' until I realised it is all self imposed. It takes a massive leap of faith to end your current "life" and take up a new one, but we all have the ability because that nagging voice in our head tells us "this isn't how my life should be"
Your family will come round eventually. I returned to the UK for the first time last year and the resentment from my family was still lingering, but you know what, I don't care. Its my life, you don't have a a say in my daily life, so who the **** are you to tell me otherwise. Its very liberating.
So do it OP, grab life by the balls and make the change. There are some great times awaiting you over the horizon and challenges you think will kill you but they don't they make you focused and push you towards a better future for you and ultimately your kids. As for the wife, she's played you because you let her out of respect and duty. Its time to let that one go. I look back at my ex and praise (insert deity here) that i left her as i would have buried her under the patio by now she was such a horrible person. But at the time i was blinded by what could be not what she was. My wife now is so far out of my league its shameful but she is a such a fantastic person and makes me laugh everyday that she inspires me to be a better man. You too can have that if you break free from the present.
I know we don't know each other but you are a fellow man and it only takes the right words to inspire us to be what we always should be, happy.
Rossatease. Fair play to you for working hard and being open with your other half to keep your marriage going. However, not "all women are psychos". People are generally complicated by nature including men but most of us are not psychopathic... Neither does being single or leaving a relationship necessarily make anyone a sad little man...
OP get your financial ducks in a row, see a solicitor before saying anything to your wife, if your marriage is beyond counselling then you can still see a Relate person on your own to talk it all through. Be prepared to be walloped financially and it takes quite a while to get it all out of your system.
I ended a marriage after 25 years. Me and Mrs MC No 2 have never had a row as there is no power game going on. We discuss things and resolve things before they become issues. I respect and like as well as love her, I prefer her company to anyone else and we laugh a lot. It can be done. There is a sea of possibilities out there, explore them.
whereas i dont agree with Rossatease, i might explain it this way, maybe im wrong, and i do have experience with more than a couple of women shall we say to back it up.
i think basically men are simple creatures who want a simple life, they want to go out to work, come home to smiley happy family, have sex as often as they can and dont want any grief/complication/recrimination/or any hassle, just a simple life.
women, i would substitute Psycho for complicated, so complicated that the average man does NOT and never will understand what his female partner wants, some women need more than a simple life and most men arent perceptive or willing or just too lazy to try and fulfil their female partners needs.
op, i was in a similar situation, we hadnt had sex for 4 years, i had an impromptu one night stand, she kicked me out, it was the best thing that ever happened for both of us, i met a wonderful woman and i think the ex is pretty happy.
down side is, i have to rent as she got to keep the house and i dont see my son as he "seems" to have been poisoned by the the ex against me.
even so, i miss my son but overall i am a lot happier, and you have a responsibilty to the people who rought you into the worled to be as ahappy as you can be and not waste your life in depression and unhappiness,
near Stansted and fancy a beer or a ride let me know 🙂
good luck
Seems to me that you will be setting a better example by ending things. Life doesn't have to be existential hell and I cannot see what is to be gained for all concerned by having things stay as they are. A chance and a leap into the unknown I'm sure, and I imagine there are a 1001 difficult practicalities, but it sounds like the game was over some time ago. No need to feel guilt in ending things as it sounds like you'll be doing everyone a favour. Try and anticipate legals to cover yourself, and then get it in motion.
OP - Not a nice situation to be in, but at least you have the insight that lots of things are not right. 1. Your marriage 2. Your job. 3. No self esteem.
IMO they all sound like a vicious circle too.
Take time out to sort out in your own mind how you can improve things firstly for yourself, its YOUR life. Work out what will improve things for you. Why leave the wife if your left with a nothing but a job that you hate? If I were married to you and you worked 14 hr days I would be pretty peed off.
Start a plan to make your life more yours, screw what family think, on the contrary they may respect you more for standing up to things and making decisions.
It doesn't sound like over the years your wife and yourself have communicated very well you need to do this now, but at this stage it may need a 3rd party to do it through, even if its to confirm that separation is the only way forward to make both your lives better.
Some of the comments above I pitty the men who have such narrow views and insight, thinking that women are all odd when in fact it is themselves that need to wake up and see their own failings.
I think another issue here is the poster's perception of his family's expectations and aspirations. Never believe that you "owe" anything to your family. They decided to make you, you had no say in the matter. Yes, many of us are lucky to be given hand outs and support by family, but again, their choice, given they decided to have you. You own you.
Ivano my life was going in your direction in my 30's my marriage was held together by a sense of guilt social responsibility and fear of my parents reaction . A big factor for me was the death of my father I realised you only get one life. My biggest regret now is that my dad is not around to know my second wife some one he could truely love and respect who makes my very happy. My brother took the opportunity to come out and is now in a happy stable and public relationship in a northern ex pit town. I cannot believe that had we done all this when he was alive notwithstanding some initial friction our dad would be anything less than pleased and proud of the lives we have made.
You have given it long enough move on . if necessary take the hit and move out.
Also get a job you want to do .
"If not now then when shall we live?"
A video you all need to watch.
Not much to add really, other than wish you luck. Some relationship counselling may help you and the family keep things in perspective and minimise some of the fallout.
There but for the grace of God. Sometimes wonder what life will hold for us and some of our friends when the kids have flown the nest. They don't go till 35 now apparently. I'll be 70 by then! 😕
Wow,
some of the things some blokes say are pretty unbelievable. I think some people shouldn't post when they've had a few drinks!
Saddly emsz you flatter some of us as they probably actually mean it 😳
Sometimes I am embarrassed to share a gender with some people. this is one of those times
so complicated that the average man does NOT and never will understand what his female partner wants, some women need more than a simple life and most men arent perceptive or willing or just too lazy to try and fulfil their female partners needs
Speak for yourself
What a load of bosh there is on here as people are people. Some are complicated, some are shallow, some are nice some are not. Some can understand other people different form themselves some can not. The deciding factor is not their genitalia.
FWIW emsz your doomed then as there are two of them in yours. Gay blokes are blessed as obviously all their relationships work a treat as they are so uncomplicated. its either that or relationships are a bit complicated, hard to tell eh
Junky +1
So you've been married for 18 years and 10 have been loveless, I think its about time you give your head a shake and move on pal, life is far to short.
To of spent a decade feeling down, overworked, unloved must have been horrific, but if you don't change the situation you find yourself in no one else will do it for you.
Maybe your wife is just as unhappy as you are?
She sees no way out for herself and the children, as you're the bread winner, you pay the bills, you cook, take care of providing a roof over there heads.
Would she really give all this security up for personal happiness, i think the answer is no as for ten years she,s stayed with you after she had an affair.
She wasn't happy 10 yrs. ago. you've not been happy for 10 years since the affair.
It's started to affect both of you in a mental way, and it will only start to rub of on your kids as they get older seeing parents in a loveless marriage is no fun for kids trust me.
Just accept the fact it wasn't meant to be, you both tried as best you could given the circumstances and its time for a fresh start.
Look after her and the kids financially.
move onwards and upwards brother.
Jeez OP, feel for you buddy. In a similar position (ish), so can fully sympathise, and relate to some of what you're going through.
If you don't mind me adding a few of my thoughts to this post.
It is going to to get worse before it gets better, so get ready for some dark days, but i[b]t will get better[/b]. I know it feels like you're in the middle of a long, dark tunnel right now, but there is light at the end of it. One day you will look back on all of this as just a horrible memory, as you will be in a better, happier place. Remember that. What you are currently fighting for is a better life for you and your kids, and that is a fight worth having.
You [b]can[/b] do it. I know it feels like you can't, and you don't have the strength at times, but you can. Look at all the people up there who have climbed that mountain and come out the other side. Just keep taking those deep breaths.
You don't owe anybody anything. Not your job, not your family, not your wife. This is about what is going to be good for you and your kids. Other peoples opinions don't matter, full stop.
You sound like a pretty sensible guy, and I would advise taking some professional advise with regards to money and legal proceedings, as OMINTN suggested. This will make sure that all this happens correctly, and maybe even a bit more quickly. You want to make sure that you're not going to get done over, and you get what you want out of this, whatever that may be.
Find a friend to talk to. Seriously, I hadn't told anyone about what I was going through, and it was weighing me down like lead. When a good work friend and colleague took me to one side, and forced a conversation out of me, it was like someone had lifted a concrete slab off my chest. Hey, I have an email address in my profile, need someone to rant at who won't judge you ? Drop me an email. Really. Knowing that you have someone who has your back, can provide invaluable moral support.
Take time out of the situation. This is going to be on your mind 24/7, so try and take some time away from it and do something else. Focus your energy into doing something positive that will make you feel good about yourself. Ride a bike, climb a mountain.
Good luck, and take care of yourself mate.
I'd call them Neanderthal but that's unfair on the Neanderthals.
[Ex-archaeologist] Neanderthals were a highly-successful hominin species - indeed, for a [i]very[/i] long time they shared the same kind of material culture as their anatomically-modern cousins (i.e. us). Using "Neanderthal" as an insult is in itself unfair. [/Ex-archaeologist]. 😉
To the OP: good luck.
Only worry about things you can do something about.
Don't worry about your age or getting older. It'll happen. Worry about being like those older people in the supermarket and do something different so you're not them at their age.
Do something about the job because with that traveling and those hours life won't be much fun whoever you share it with.
Do something about your social life once you've got time to have one. Nobody is forcing all that washing, ironing and cooking on you. Do you have a lunch break? If so swim, run, walk or do something that will turn the clock back a bit. Find time do do things with your kids (and wife if willing).
You might just find that the new you rubs off on the others in your life.
Do everything you can do to make your life better.
so in the cold light of day, without red wine, some of the replies have been hard to read but for the right reasons I think. I think I'm going from denial into acceptance, and that's painful in itself.
I took the dog out for a long walk this morning, found myself having a bit of a blub. One of the over riding feelings is almost unbearable loneliness. It's a hard cruel world when things aren't going so well, and you're the introspective kind.
I think I half expected everyone to say 'yeh that's about standard, suck it up'. But I realise that's partially my denial speaking and from spending so long focused inwardly on a life that has become something of a struggle.
But that's also partly the reason for the post, to get a real life perspective, however harsh (and I welcome all views), one that has been missing for me.
I have some time off work, although that seems to have caused a bit of dread at being at home more.
But I'm going to get some rest today, get out on the bike tomorrow, give myself a little space to think.
I have some time off work, although that seems to have caused a bit of dread at being at home more.
If being at home fills you with dread go out. It's OK to show that you're completely ****ed off with someone as you clearly are. It's hiding it and sucking it up that is the dangerous part.
I'm a bit late to this thread, as I was too busy crushing my husband's will with my bare wifehands...
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Mrs Toast - Member
I'm a bit late to this thread, as I was too busy crushing my husband's will with my bare wifehands...
And would that in all honesty be much fun if he didn't fight back? 😉
I'm a bit late to this thread, as I was too busy crushing my husband's will with my bare wifehands...
Rather than oppressing men's rights, you could be using your time far more productively, ova heer:
http://singletrackmag.com/forum/topic/photoshop-favour
Ivano, good luck whatever you decide.
I wish you and your family well whatever the outcome.
I have seen both sides of what you are going through and the happier people are the ones who have split.
It may be shitty at first but time is a good healer.
Don't worry about the kids, they always seem to end up ok IMO.
A video you all need to watch.
+1 to Junkys post.
The maker of that video has a serious case of fox and the grapes syndrome/cognitive dissonance. Can't get hot women, oh they are all crazy whores. Any fool can despise what he cannot get.
If I'm going to generalise on a subject with no evidence to back my assertions up, I would say attractive men and women are usually the least crazy as they come with a whole lot less baggage.
Morons. Morons everywhere.
Why are people being called Neanderthals, like it's a bad thing?
Stop ragging on the Dutch, they seem like a pretty enlightened people to me. Maybe apart from that Black Pete thing..
evidence suggests that Neanderthals had a matriarchal society.
"stop fixing your club in the cave" "a parcel arrived from flintnappingarrowheads.com again, have you been buying more stuff?" and the old classic "yes of course I don't mind if you go out and have fun riding mammoths with your friends whilst I stay in and look after the baby"
I've slowly read through this thread for the first time this morning and am a bit stunned at there being so few comments about your kids dude. They are your priority. How old are they? You and your wife are adults and made choices that led to where you are, your kids didnt. They are your priority, then you, then everything else.
To a point I agree that your kids should have two happy parents and sometimes its better to have two seperated but happy parents but some care needs to be taken depending on their ages as to how you do that. if that is what you do.
I split from my ex when my girl was 2 years old. So young she wouldnt really remember her parents together. We built up a routine of contact and now shes ten and shes happy and we have a great relationship. I see her every other weekend and much of the summer and xmas hols. We have a fab time. But she was young. Only you will know if they are old enough to really understand, I personally think aged 11-14 is the hardest times for a kid to understand. BUT conversely saying you stayed with yer mum till they were 18 because of them really wont work. You and only you know if the timing is manageable.
Finally, two phrases I love and have used myself:
Life is pain and suffering - this is supposed to remind you to find the happiness inbetween.
And... Winston:
If you walk into hell, keep walking - I'm there myself at the moment and I'm still walking, its getting cooler but has been hot as hell in here for 3 months. Keep walking.