[Closed] shouting at young children

Shouting?

Pffft...I was trying to buy a Taser for mine.

You'd not done that before 2 and a half?

I certainly shouldn't be offering you any advice 😀

So long as you don’t threaten to take her to Portugal.

Noise cancelling headphones ?

"Not shouting at your kids is god’s way of telling you you’re not spending enough time with them” Jeremy Hardy

Tiredness is when I become angry dad the most.

Make sure you get a solid 40 winks & its much esier to zen out the tough times

I know exactly how you feel. Loud noises get me. they just make me instantly angry. If i remember to, I walk into another room and have a few seconds. If you're on your own though this isn't always possible so just try to remember they don't really know what they're doing.

Try not to beat yourself up. all parents lose it from time to time but just give her a hug and try to give yourself a bit of time before responding to their tantrums.

If you can't shout at your kid on a Monday morning, then when can you ffs?! 😉

Try not to beat yourself up

or the child.

With a 2.5 year old boy, I've unfortunately no advice but can sympathize and say you're not alone - to the extent that I was about to have a narcissistic moan on here last week about becoming a "grumpy dad", but life got in the way.

I'm not ever a shouty person (quite the opposite) but he has ways of pushing buttons that I struggle to rise above and it is affecting our relationship. I likewise would do with some help/advice on coping mechanisms

I only shouted at my boy once when he was younger. I'd borrowed a car from work and he kept playing with the windows (we were on a motorway). He wouldn't stop and i ended up yelling at him as loud as I could and it didn't frighten him in the slightest. It was bizarre. Over 10 years later and I still don't know how I lost it with him so badly just that one time! I just know that shouting did not help, but you just lose control..! Kids eh?

My kids only start to worry when I don't shout.

It's when I go quiet that they know that they're really in trouble.

I read somewhere quite recently that when a parent shouts at a young child all it does is evoke the child's fight or flight mechanism - i.e. they don't hear what your shouting, but the increased volume only makes them want to shout back louder or runaway and hide.

I'm not proud to say that I've shouted at the the top of my voice at my two on more than a couple of occasions and all it seems to do is make me feel crappy about my lack of tolerance and control. Nothing seems more able to push you to the edge than a kid at full chat, but as someone has said above, i now just try to walk away for a few moments and then deal with what ever is the matter when things have calmed down a tad.

I try really hard not to shout, but to explain in a reasonable manner why their behaviour is unacceptable. Sometimes, well, a lot of the time, I fail miserably,

I only really beat myself up if I start swearing at the little ****ers.

As above, when I do start shouting they mostly just wait patiently until I am finished, then carry on. Tossbags

If I ever cried over nothing then my dad would always give me something to cry about instead. Usually a belt.

Kids learn boundaries by crossing them.

So do parents.

The fact you feel the way you do about it means youre inheritantly a good parent

If I ever cried over nothing then my dad would always give me something to cry about instead. Usually a belt.

Yeah, mine too.  I'm glad that, as a society, we've got to the point where the mass physical abuse of children is no longer acceptable.

I think I've shouted at my eldest daughter twice, and felt pretty bad about it afterwards.  But, children can be frustrating, it's just shouting and so long as it doesn't define your relationship it should all be fine.

Kids learn boundaries by crossing them.

So do parents.

The fact you feel the way you do about it means youre inheritantly a good parent

Just about sums it up. Children don't come with instruction manuals and, unless I missed something there are no training courses or qualifications in parenting.

I've not shouted full bore at either of my kids. I feel pretty guilty even if I just tell them off normally when it upsets them.

I know my biggest is struggling with the fact me and her mum have split up, so just trying to be as calm as possible with everything, but with all the stress in the air this isn't necessarily possible.

Save shouting for extreme situations like when they're in impending danger or if they've left some Lego out and you've stood on it in bare feet.

I'm not very loud so I combine it with physical presence and chest beating.

If you think shouting upsets them you should try unplugging the wi-fi router.

Thanks peeps. We're all in the trenches together then... Most of her tantrums I can cope fine with, even in public- my wife is the firmest there in public typically. The nonsensical ones are almost always fleeting. I think someone mentioned the VOLUME being the trigger for me, which is ironic. Shes' like a stun grenade.

Was it shouting or raising a voice? I raise my voice a bit sometimes (perhaps more than I'd like, but they drive you to it sometimes) but only properly shouted at them the once when they were really playing me up trying to get them ready for school. The embarrassing thing was that it was in the open front doorway so the whole street would have heard my caterwauling.

🙁

Was it shouting or raising a voice? I raise my voice a bit sometimes (perhaps more than I’d like, but they drive you to it sometimes) but only properly shouted at them the once when they were really playing me up trying to get them ready for school. The embarrassing thing was that it was in the open front doorway so the whole street would have heard my caterwauling.

pretty much this- a shout. it was loud enough to hurt my throat. i think it was only a few words.

I hope you shouted "that's it no pudding for you Missy!"

"try to remember they don’t really know what they’re doing."

They know exactly what they're doing! Somehow kids seem to be born with the abilty to push the right buttons to get you right to your limit... and the flick the cute switch and do something so funny or adorable that you forget why you were about to lose it with them.

I will admit that I probably shout at mine more than I should. It's when you try to tell them to do/not do something and they just flat out ignore you as if you weren't even in the same room.

In our household Mummy is the one with the shortest fuse and least patience, so they've largely gotten used to her shouting and setting improbably ultimatums.

I'm the conciliatory one, I've been accused of being a bit soft in the past. I generally resist their baiting and consciously don't shout and try to keep an even tone and diffuse the situation...

However if Daddy shouts it happens very seldom and it is extremely loud, to the point where you can read the shock on their faces and they know they've gone too far...

If you think a 2.5 year old is bad, wait till they get older, my 9 year old argues like some sort of hyper aggressive teenager dancing circles round her mother with all sorts off hyperbole and logic loops, and her 6 year old sister has picked up some of the same techniques, but still occasionally just opts for hypersonic screams to really drive her point home, or plain old unnecessary crying...

They're normally escalate towards those angry shouty responses from the adults, I'm sure it's all "Boundary testing" and all that. I generally just respond with

"you are 6/9 (delete ass appropriate) I know you can speak English at a normal volume now, if you do that I might help you with your issue..."

Which is great because you instantly acquire the high ground by keeping your shit together, and it winds them up even more, but it tends to reverse the game into who can win an argument without shouting, and opens the door to make a joke out of things. So I now win arguments by making my kids laugh at themselves while they are simultaneously annoyed that they fell for it... But this doesn't seem to work on the under 4s, those you either have to bellow at or tickle.

To be human is to err.

To be a parent is to err several times.

It's one of the few jobs where you'll have crippling self doubt even when you're doing it well. Try and figure out a coping strategy. I find voicing what I feel works quite well. They may not understand what you're saying, but speaking out loud now means you'll resort to extreme behaviour less. Like "please listen to what I'm saying, because I get very upset/sad when you don't" something along those lines. Eventually they will get it though, but you have to practice it.

I’ve developed a withering stare that I use on Funk Jr (4) and it works so much better than anything else I’ve tried. I love it when you’re trying to explain why something is dangerous or wrong and you can actually see them begin to zone out whilst nodding at you. They’re brilliant aren’t they? 😀

you can actually see them begin to zone out whilst nodding at you.

That’s when you hit them with the Taser.

Keeps them on their toes

Another frustrated dad here. My little 'darling' is nearly 2 and has developed a penchant for waking up at 5.30. If you are as bold as to dare to try to sleep, he will slap, pinch and scratch you, frequently drawing blood.

I'm pretty good at staying calm for the first few times, but eventually it results in a snap where I immediately feel I have to stop myself from getting aggressive. And of course, he just laughs as for him it's a game. He gets me every time. 🤦🏻‍♂️

I cannot wait until he's a surly teenager who won't get out of bed so I can exact my revenge.

I often end up raising my voice at the kids... sometimes shouting..

It often folllows this pattern

Calm voice.. “stop doing that”. “Stop doing that”. “Please stop doing that”

Louder voice.... “you need to stop doing that”

Shouty mcShouter “f*&%&^$IY% STOP IT (£&(£”

Child - “don’t shout at me”

DrP

ugh, kids. Does the theoretically genius idea of ignoring them (ie not responding to their button-pushing, not acknowledging them, not giving them any attention at all, until they calm down) ever stand contact with reality? Logically, we know they're doing it to push buttons and get a response or validation, in whatever form. So the only way to avoid escalating is, in theory, to step away and let them work out that it's not working.

In practice, it seems unlikely...

If you think shouting upsets them you should try unplugging the wi-fi router.

Is that even legal?

I am sure that most parents will experience situations where they'll think "I could have handled that better", and feel guilty about it.  It's a hard job.  Not least because your kids know you well enough to know what buttons to press, and depending on age may lack the emotional development to worry too much over whether they should push those buttons or not.  So I'm sure we've all been there 😐

I try to avoid shouting at our two, but they do get a raised voice on a reasonably regular basis.  I don't really like doing this because (IMO) if you demonstrate you've lost your cool, you are telling the child they've won.  They wanted a rise out of you, and they got it.  So what I try to aim for is a somewhat louder, sterner voice for the "I meant it" tone, and this actually works better for me in the right context.

But context is everything.  If a child is having a full-on tantrum, any shouting from the parent is just adding fuel to the flames.  I think you're better off making sure they're out of harm's way, letting them get on with it, and talking to them again once they've calmed down.

Is that even legal?

Given the choice, they'd rather have the Taser

Shouty mcShouter “f*&%&^$IY% STOP IT (£&(£”

"Dad's resorted to punctuation again."

I shout at kids. I don't have any so I have to resort to other people's poorly behaving offspring.

 often end up raising my voice at the kids… sometimes shouting..

It often folllows this pattern

Calm voice.. “stop doing that”. “Stop doing that”. “Please stop doing that”

Louder voice…. “you need to stop doing that”

Shouty mcShouter “f*&%&^$IY% STOP IT (£&(£”

Child – “don’t shout at me”

DrP

Oddly my relationship with their mother went like that quite often. Luckily my genes are quite strong so whilst testing they aren't like their mum.

I was given proper good hidings as a kid. No way would I do that to mine, so maybe a dozen times I have let rip and shouted . He now knows when I am serious and runs to mammy who thinks I am a brute for raising my voice. Ha.

Apparently I’m Dave from Alvin and chipmunks....”ALVIN,you little €$$$**#$”

On the few occasions when I have lost it unnecessarily, I’ve apologised & told him nobody’s perfect.

Probably shout at our 3 year old a couple of times a week. Mainly to get him to stop when he is about to hurt himself.

So be it, however when I go quiet that's when he really worries.

If it wasn't justified then I will apologise, but most of the time it is deserved.

RE the router situation....

I recently bought a Netgear Orbi... you can individually pull the kill switch on connected devices, from your phone!!

That literally makes me a God amongst children in our household.....

DrP

Kids learn boundaries by crossing them.

So do parents.

The fact you feel the way you do about it means youre inheritantly a good parent

I agree. Also, if you get it wrong and go mental when it wasn't really called for, then apologise! Explain why you were being OTT, and apologise.

Allows you to sneakily regain the high ground while modelling good behaviour and feel great about yourself!

Seriously though, we all lose it now and then, and showing your kids it's possible to walk it back and say you were wrong sets a great example. I wish more adults knew it was possible.

Finally: there's a chance I had to do this today...

I'd echo much of the above - most of us shout sometimes but feel bad about it afterwards… the hardest (but often best) solution is to walk away and let things cool. My 5 year old can switch from monster back to angel in the blink of an eye - he just needs time to cool down.

I would have responded sooner, but my 3 year old is still awake after an unscheduled 10 min nap on the way back from his brothers football. The worst is that when he has these sleep fails he's utterly charming and great value whilst at the same time  you feel really frustrated!

I think I’ve shouted at my eldest daughter twice, and felt pretty bad about it afterwards. But, children can be frustrating, it’s just shouting and so long as it doesn’t define your relationship it should all be fine.

This.  Speaking as a grown man with 2 kids, I spent my entire childhood life being shouted at.  Its recently come to light - via some CBT that I was having for something else - that it left me with anxiety issues and I struggle to manage myself in confrontational experiences.

As above, its very difficult to control when your kids decide they will run riot, but I’m very aware of that and on the occasion I’ve raised my voice I’ve waited a while then sat down and cuddled my kids apologetically but then explained why in words they can understand.

As a matter of fact - I’m spending 2 days off work with the kids - it happened yesterday after  I caught him trying to climbing over the bannister at the top of the stairs.   As I ran from the kitchen I shouted at the top of my voice “Jnr - NO!!” Of which the tone instantly brought him to tears - but then I explained the potential outcome on to a hard wood floor.  He was upset as to what “might have happened”  but I let him take that in for 30 mins, before sitting down with him and calmly asking him to repeat back to me the potential consequences and then me explaining my actions / emotions.

No parent is perfect but you have to try to manage and educate yourself as much as the kids - I always and still want my kids to love us a parents and not grow up thinking of there childhood dominated by shouting as I do.

regularly use a loud stern voice to try to control and keep in check our 1 and 3 year old.  Mostly they are good kids, much better behaved than many we see but it's early days.  We have good friends whose boys are feral, I mean really bad, drawing on tellies, lying down in muddy puddles, throwing stones at window, pulling blinds off etc...they do the quiet approach with the naughty step and then cuddles.  Will be interesting to see if they get better or worse.  they were so bad we don't really want then round the house in case they trash it any more

only lost it with proper shouting twice I think.  When trying to drive and boy#1 having a full melt down screaming for 20mins or so.  Now if he starts the cat radio goes on full blast till he stops...

great replies above, thank you again.