[Closed] should I stay or should I go - the coke and hookers thread

Does she know you feel like this? If not, time for a heart to heart mate.

She wanted to ditch you over a year ago (yup, I clicked on your user name because I didn't recognise it - I know some here consider this stalking). A private detective to make absolutely sure she isn't seeing someone else. If she is then see a lawyer, if she isn't then the hookers thing would mean you can still live with your kids even if that means putting up with a mardy but faithful wife.

I think that wrecker has it. You need to talk and tell her how you are feeling. People can get out of the habit of intimacy and maybe a good talk will help you get that back.

I personally rate counselling. It might help and talking to her may allow her to accept that option. You have nothing to lose.

Is she on the right meds? From personal experience, different antidepressants have different (side-)effects depending on the person.

She probably doesn't know how serious things are, as mentioned above have a completely honest heart to heart and go from there.

Have you tried a cuddle?

A close relative has been through this. She had had a bit of an unfortunate childhood and post-kids she froze up completely and focussed entirely on the kids. He was just a source of income. Relations were amicable enough to stay together while the kids grew up but despite counselling meds & affairs people change and sometime find it impossible to stay together

They're separated now he does what he wants and she puts on a brave face but it's a messy business

I don't think an affair is the answer.

I think you've got to decide if you're happy, or you’re just putting up with it out of a sense of duty to your family. Your wife, whilst not 'happy' because she's got depression, might have just found a situation she can tolerate but you don't sound happy and if you're not what's the plan? You've put up with it for 2 years, perhaps hoping it will improve and it hasn't - if your kids are still young do you intend on putting up with it for another 10, 15 years until they leave home and then getting on with your life?

If you think you'll be happier with a bit of 'intimacy' elsewhere, you might as well be honest about it, if your Wife is happy / tolerates you to playing away from home then you can do so with a clear conscience if she's not (and I think most people wouldn't be) then it's time to either work things out between you, or call it a day - your kids might not notice what's going on - but they'll feel the tension and if your tolerance for the current situation goes it'll only get worse - better to split whilst you're civil and continue to live apart happy than it get all bitter and twisted, because the kids will suffer, they always do.

Must admit, even before kids my wife was a bit special at times, since having them I've nearly walking several times. But as you say, you stay for the kids. Same here, plus if you aren't there and the Mrs finds another guy...guess what, another bloke is around your kids and that's something I'm not willing to risk.

If you are determined to leave, then leave, may not be good, but she hopefully won't make your life a living hell. Guess what, if she finds out you've played away.....oh man, you are in for a World of pain.

As someone said, best keep your head down and trust in madam palm and her five sisters.....never know, maybe she might come around after a while...hopefully.

I understand quite well how you feel, at the end of the day, you have a responsibility to your kids above everything else.

Its hard to see how having an affair improves your domestic life

What do you think will be better as a result of this?

Be honest with each other and move on if you have to do.

I don't think an affair is the answer.

+1

Do you have any friends nearby you can chat to about it?

Although I wasn't married, I was in a similar situation a couple of years back with a gf who was very troubled, and the support of my friends helped massively.

Go. It'll be hard, but do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?

I expect this will not be as popular choice (hard hat at the ready) but you've got to think about yourself as well.

I don't think an affair's the answer. If your marriage does recover, she's sure to find out and that'll cause much more grief than the passing pleasure the affair will bring.

I'm with growing lad on this.

All women are a PITA, stick with this one for the good of your kids.

The fact you're civil is beyond what many marriages achieve.

Go. It'll be hard, but do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?

An affair is madness, it will just add another persons feelings into the mix, why would you want that?
Ask yourself, what attracted you in the first place, you must have had some feelings to have children?
All woman are the same in the end, they have doubts and fears, and can be incredibly hard work.
I would urge anyone to keep trying, if you walk away you will still be responsible for the children financially and this will add a massive strain to any future relationships.
Good luck.

I know the hookers thing in your opening post was tongue in cheek but has a lot of advantages over an affair:

If you are still at home a year after you wife wanted rid of you then the current situation suits her. If you really have eliminated the possibility of her being in an affair then she is happy in a sexless relationship. Where else is she going to find that? Prospective candidates for your place will want intimacy.

However, you having an affair is dangerous and would no doubt upset the apple cart. She doesn't want that. Equally you will be hard pushed to have an affair that doesn't become a close relationship that will ultimately draw you away from your current life.

Hookers on the other hand are discrete, demand no more commitment than a financial contribution, don't risk upsetting the apple cart by sticking their noses in or demanding lots of your time, won't see your wife as a rival (and your wife shouldn't see the hookers as rivals because she doesn't want you in that way).

Talk about it with your wife, I have with mine in a hypothetical way and there are circumstances in which hookers would be tolerated, or so she says. I'm so sure an affair would not I don't need to ask.

I have indeed tried the cuddle approach and the response is like a verbal slap at the least. Sadly she aint keen on the counselling route, I've tried that and got her to one session and she really closed the door on it. You can take a horse to water ...

just don't know really what I should do next.

[quote=Edukator ]you are still at home a year after you wife wanted rid of you then the current situation suits her. If you really have eliminated the possibility of her being in an affair then she is happy in a sexless relationship. Where else is she going to find that? Prospective candidates for your place will want intimacy.This. She has you exactly where she wants you, providing for the family and supporting the kids. There is no incentive for her to change. Either live with it, start the affair so that when she finds out she can screw you financially, or move out and seek another relationship.

You can still be a good/great dad not living with your kids. Being happy would make you an even better dad.

If you really have eliminated the possibility of her being in an affair then she is happy in a sexless relationship [i]with you[/i].

FTFY, just saying...

There are people who are happy with companionship and no sex, but someone who wants and needs both is not going to be happy spending the rest of their life with them. And that unhappiness will poison the relationship and affect the kids.

You need to be honest with her, and say where you are in your thinking.
Her options are: 1) do nothing and lose you, 2) Involve you more in her medical stuff so you can understand it, committing to resolving the sex issues, 3) Accept a companionate but open marriage in which you can have sexual but not emotional relationships outside the marriage - be they FWBs or professionals.

The people whose marriages keep going because of arrangements like that don't exactly advertise.

Think what's best for the kids, it may not be what you think. If she won't go to couples counselling there's nothing stopping you going on your own to get an outside view. Obviously it's better if you both go. These people are professionals, they'll be used to this situation

BillOddie has it. From experience your kids will have a better time of you are happier, providing you keep it civil with their mother. Affairs are not the way to go. Good luck.

Alternative viewpoint - bear in mind I don't know you or your wife:

Sometimes people don't function well. You promised to stick with her through the good and the bad times, well these are the bad.

It does sound rather like you have run out of ideas. You should get some more ideas. For most blokes, 'are you ok?' 'I'm FINE' is about all they can manage. You need to learn how to relate to her, and that's really difficult. Worth the effort though. Perhaps some reading around depression, medication, and how to handle the situation.

The advice given by the divorcees on these threads seems to be '**** it, look after no 1' and that makes me sad. It sounds like they are projecting their cynicism onto the situation. If I were depressed, withdrawn and having trouble coping with life, having my partner bugger off to enjoy themselves leaving me with my shit and the kids would not help. Sometimes people need to be pushed to confront their issues and open up even if they resist. That doesn't have to be in the context of a row either - sometimes people take an idea and come to terms with it over a week of silence.

For a long time when we were first married my wife would not respond to my efforts to figure out what was wrong when she was depressed. Often literally - she would not reply to questions, nice or anguished from me. After a few years she managed to articulate that she physically couldn't talk at all during those times, never mind have a rational discussion.

my wife suffers with depression and so does my son. it took me a long time to try and understand how they feel as i'm the 'get on with it' type of guy. i would suggest googling depression to figure out what goes on and also get a book called 'sod it' by martin davies. (the depression virus and how to deal with it). £6 on ebay. it's sort of a cartoon book but it's been really helpful, both for me and my mrs. leave it on your bedside table where she might see it. dont suggest she reads it, that produces a negative. as for an affair, that just introduces guilt into the mix so dont go there. i'm big on marriage so do everything you can to fix it before giving up. PM me if you want to talk some more.

i've just noticed, there doesnt seem to be a PM facility. it it not available here?

[b]molgrips[/b] all very reasonable

But the previous [url= http://singletrackmag.com/forum/topic/anybody-on-here-a-family-solicitor-or-been-in-a-similar-situation ]thread[/url] seemed to suggest he'd really tried and that she was the one pushing for separation previously

In my marriage, I wish I'd been more upfront about the problems and given my wife a clearer view of what was at risk if things didn't chnage. I think that would have been fairer to her. Might not have changed anything though.

growinglad
guess what, another bloke is around your kids and that's something I'm not willing to risk.

What a weird thing to say - not all single blokes are Jimmy Saville, you know.

Depression is the big thing. People are aware of how something like alcholism can change people and make them into something they're not - depression can do the same. When it's got you in its teeth it's taking away your personality, your pleasure, everything.

As above - learn as much as you can about depression.

she was the one pushing for separation previously

Yeah depression can do that to you. But who knows in this situation, we're not likely to get the other side.

i've just noticed, there doesnt seem to be a PM facility. it it not available here?

No - in STWese, 'PM me' becomes 'email in profile'

@molgrips talks a lot of sense
Just out of interest, how is your wife now? Did she seek professional help?

Listen to,Molgrips he's talking perfect sense.

Ignore Edukator.

She's broadly ok - thanks for asking!

Fortunately, when she'd fall into the deepest hole she'd come back out in a day or two, so we were able to resume a normal relationship even though she'd still be a bit low sometimes in a normal everyday sense. All I could do was back off and wait even though this was very difficult for me. She was still going through a lot of things when we got married (like dealing with being married to me!) and has grown through the years as have I of course.

Since having to deal with kids she found herself becoming very snappy and irritable a lot which was really period related - so she went to the doctor with the aim of sorting that out. I know this is very personal, and if she ever reads this I apologise, but sharing the experience might help someone.

Suspect the OP is entertaining the idea of an affair (whether real or just as an escape fantasy) rather than just having a ham shank is because sometimes (even for men, and hold onto your hats because I'm sure this is a shock ) it's not all about sex. Sometimes you may want some loving companionship, tenderness, to feel valued, respected and yes - wanted. Sounds like this is missing at the moment, and although it may be no-ones fault per se if depression is the root cause, it can still be hard to tough it out on your own.

I'm truly not entertaining the idea of an affair, theres nobody I have my eye on, its just not me.

Theres been some interesting replies and that's great to read, it gives me a more objective view and some fresh ideas on my situation.

Having not spoken to my wife for a week, last night we had a raging argument once the kids were asleep but off the back of it came more deep discussion and I remain confident she isn't playing away. One interesting thing is she opened up that shes trying to get herself some counselling. I've done counselling myself when she was in hospital last year so I know its not a cure and not an easy journey but also that it helps to talk openly about all your issues to a sounding board and be prompted and challenged on what is said. So I hope it helps her.

At the end of the deeper discussion she said that if I was leaving then to leave soon, so the kids aren't old enough to be to badly impacted. I repeated I didn't want to leave them, the kids or her, although honestly its more the kids than her but I do still love her. I'm just no longer in love with her.

She then said if I stay then she'd make sure our girls saw that we were a couple... now I struggle with this. sleeping in the same bed doesn't mean intimacy and she explicitly said it wouldn't. So, the concept sounded to me like two 'friends' as parents bring the kids up. What do you guys make of that? Part of me thinks its a step in the right direction and I should take that step for now and see if in the medium term we cant build on that. But hey, she wants me to promise not to leave without the promise from her to commit to trying to get the relationship back on track. And she wants me to make that promise to the kids as it were, not really to her. I don't want to promise something like that to the kids even if they don't understand, I will. So the promise is a commitment.

Well, I have nothing useful to add but you have my sympathies. Got to be a positive that she's thinking about counselling though.

Sounds shit..

I wouldn't be imposing that sort of weirdness on my kids..

Leaving my kid's mum was the best thing I ever did..

But I refused to leave the family home until I had legally witnessed signed agreements that I would have shared custody

Neither of us did anything wrong, we were just sick of the sight of each other and had nothing left except resentment.. We still cared very much for each other, we were just ready to accept that life's too short for bullshit and the kids deserve to be raised in a positive environment

Some more advice about 'women' depressed or otherwise and cyclically they become depressed, they are also more 'open' to romantic overures cyclically, you need to study the cycle, whilst doing all that other bullshit with the counselling etc

Marriage with kids is tough, I see this poor cow every morning on my ride, one toddler, one strapped to her chest and the bloody dog out in the freezing weather, she'd be wide open to some flattery, some flowers, a suggestion of a drink, whoever her moron husband is she'd be an easy pull.

Girls need constantly to be made to feel they are still attractive, despite their own desperate lack of self worth, their feeling 'is this what it's come to?' their sense of being trapped whilst 'he' can still get on with his life and his hobbies.

Your girl needs to be cheered up she needs to be made to feel pretty, young and wanted and you are clearly not doing that, none of us do, once we're in it for the long term, blokes are always thinking selfishly.

So, work harder at it before some bloke who thinks like me comes alongs and admires her new dress, her hair, the way she flutters her eyes, whatever and then waltzes off not only with her, but your girls as well.
She needs help, but not the sort you're thinking of right now.

Sorry to be so blunt.

OP have you tried seeing a counsellor yourself? Getting an independent and non invested/judgemental view may help you discover the best route? Its worth exploring.

She then said if I stay then she'd make sure our girls saw that we were a couple... now I struggle with this. sleeping in the same bed doesn't mean intimacy and she explicitly said it wouldn't. So, the concept sounded to me like two 'friends' as parents bring the kids up.

Just leave. Sorry to be brutal, but its the best for everyone involved, especially the kids. Because you'll end up doing so anyway - theres nothing more certain - because theres no way on earth that that set up can last long before imploding completely, and probably very messily

You both clearly have widely different views about what constitutes a marriage. And it all sounds pretty irreconcilable to me.

I left about 5 years ago when my kids were young, when my marriage became unsustainable for both of us, for all manner of reasons. It was tough at first. But now? We share custody, its all been amicable, we actually get on really well (far better than the miserable end of our marriage), and the kids now have 2 happy homes instead of one, and are healthy and happy themselves.

IMHO 'staying together for the sake of the kids' is the most ridiculous and destructively counter-productive thing anyone can ever do. Everyone ends up miserable. And it means you essentially judge your kids to be too stupid to pick up on it. They aren't. I know a few people who's parents did this, and they all sincerely wish they hadn't. Nobody wins. And the kids end up guilty and blaming themselves for their parents obvious misery

Just leave. For everyones sake

FFS it's not going my way I'm leaving? What total moral cowardice. **** the kids they can get on with it.

FFS it's not going my way I'm leaving? What total moral cowardice. **** the kids they can get on with it.

What a profoundly stupid thing to say. Yes... much better for kids to be brought up in a loveless environment where everyone is living a lie, because..... erm... well just because everyone is being so frightfully brave, and upstandingly moral members of society?

And everyone knows that ending your marriage means abandoning your kids, right?

I once wrote in my diary as a little boy that "the best love parents can show a child is just to love each other".

I don't recall the trigger that prompted me to write that, and I don't really know what it means or might imply, but I do know it came from the heart at the time and I just share it here in case it can be unpacked usefully in any way at all.

For what it's worth, I'm sorry you're in the situation you find yourself in. It sounds horrible. I'm afraid I'm in no way qualified to offer any advice at all, but do offer the usual forum fellowship.

LOL bluehehelmet! 😆

Moral cowardice is bringing your kids up in an unhappy home with negative role modelling and horrendous relationship values cos you're too scared to man up and get on with your life in a mature and responsible fashion

Get in the sea you 50s throwback

[b]bluehelmet[/b]. Two profoundly stupid posts. One sexist. One insulting.

[b]OP[/b]. Do you want to spend the next 10yrs in a sexless passionless relationship and then explain to your kids you stayed together "for them"? If you believe she will redevelop an intimate relationship it might be worth staying. But she says she doesn't and shes had a year to change her mind.

If you've been honest and she says that isn't going to or doesn't want to change, I'm with Binners. 🙁

In a kind of similar situation here (though I'm the one who's depressed) - and TBH I reckon it's a lot more common than I used to think, and a lot more common than is generally realised by those not in such a situation (yet). It's also been for a lot longer in my case - oldest was 9 a few days ago, and looking back our relationship fundamentally stopped working as such when he was conceived. I don't think it does ever get better in most cases. Why am I still here? Well apart from some practical issues I still need to solve and that I do feel a bit of a sense of duty (which wouldn't be enough to keep me here on its own) I'm not sure the grass is greener. I totally get what binners is saying and agree (and bluehelmet is talking a load of bollox and has clearly never had this experience), but in my case I'm still not sure I'd be happier. I'm fairly sure it's not the only reason, but I've not been tempted to have an affair because the opportunity hasn't arisen in 10 years, so I'm not sure whether I'd actually find what's missing in my life if I left. As it's been mentioned, I should admit that I did at one point consider the idea of paying, but realised I have no interest in doing that - as Stevet1 explained, what I want isn't available that way.

Not sure that's any help to the OP, but at least that's how I'm currently rationalising my situation.

Best of luck aracer.

I know what I've said all sounds very decisive and strong willed, but it wasn't like that at all. Its the hardest decision I've ever had to make. And theres no rowing back from it. And its a really really diffcult period of adjustment that really takes its toll on you

But with hindsight, and looking at my kids, and how happy they are, I am, and my ex is for that matter, theres no doubt I made the right decision for everybody involved. I cant even begin to imagine the alternative, and how miserable that would be

Maybe it is me, but I am happily married to someone who is my best friend, who I can open up to and be intimate with. We have 2 boys who drive me up the wall in a good way but that hasn't stopped us being who we were 20 years ago when we met.

I am not boasting or rubbing your nose in it, but who are you staying there for ? your kids ? you ? her ?

You can have an affectionate loving time within marriage and it sounds like yours has unfortunately run its course, these things happen, through nobody's fault.

From the sounds of things, and I am just going from the very small snippit you have given us here, the best thing you could do is take a step away and give your kids the mum and dad that they deserve - staying for them is a bad reason to stay together.

Some more advice about 'women' depressed or otherwise and cyclically they become depressed, they are also more 'open' to romantic overures cyclically, you need to study the cycle, whilst doing all that other bullshit with the counselling etc

Marriage with kids is tough, I see this poor cow every morning on my ride, one toddler, one strapped to her chest and the bloody dog out in the freezing weather, she'd be wide open to some flattery, some flowers, a suggestion of a drink, whoever her moron husband is she'd be an easy pull.

Girls need constantly to be made to feel they are still attractive, despite their own desperate lack of self worth, their feeling 'is this what it's come to?' their sense of being trapped whilst 'he' can still get on with his life and his hobbies.

Your girl needs to be cheered up she needs to be made to feel pretty, young and wanted and you are clearly not doing that, none of us do, once we're in it for the long term, blokes are always thinking selfishly.

So, work harder at it before some bloke who thinks like me comes alongs and admires her new dress, her hair, the way she flutters her eyes, whatever and then waltzes off not only with her, but your girls as well.
She needs help, but not the sort you're thinking of right now.

Sorry to be so blunt.

Oh look, more derogatory comments about women. 🙄

[quote=cinnamon_girl ]Oh look, more derogatory comments about women.

It's not all of us c-g, when I suggested his comments were bollox it was actually mainly that post rather than the other one.

I do think it's important to reflect on the promise made on a wedding day - in sickness and in health... and all that goes with it.

When else is that promise relevant and what value does that promise have, other in a situation like this?

I do think it's important to reflect on the promise made on a wedding day - in sickness and in health... and all that goes with it.

When else is that promise relevant and what value does that promise have, other in a situation like this?

[i]You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view, until you climb in his skin and walk around in it.[/i]

Harper Lee.

until you climb in his skin and walk around in it.

I'm the child.

The child of a marriage that clearly got to the same point as the OP's (and where one parent regularly "wandered").

My parents stayed together for me and my sister. For one of my parents it suited them well (the affairs clearly never stopped, they were the main earner). For the other I susepct there are many years of a life lost to that period of parenting, working and not a lot else.

This year they will hit 47 years of marriage. They seem to have found some sort of equilibrium, an acceptance of this is how it's going to be.

I still love them a great deal and enjoyed a very happy childhood most of the time (though their relationship did impact it during my teenage years). My sister is rather more affected by it - she's only entered into her first serious relationship at nearly 40.

But I can't help but think it would have been fairer all round if my folks had called it a day and both done what was better for them and their children, and not just what they thought was best for the children.

Oh, and on the affair point: I believe the advice is never have an affair with someone who has less to lose than you.

For the OP his risk factor is clearly his children, so it looks like a very high stakes game.

I think trying to resolve the situation within the home (and especially with counselling/external guidance) is the right approach. Just agree a time limit so everyone knows there's a ticking clock.

Final point - children tend to have very little in the way of contextual awareness: they've only got the one set of parents, so have no idea how a "normal" relationship should function. They just see the one in front of them.

Honesty* is the best policy, however hard it feels to explain quite complicated emotions.

*they don't ever need to know about the intimacy side. Ever. At any age!

Oh look, more derogatory comments about women.

Now, now my good lady. You're becoming hysterical. Its not your fault. Its all those hormones. You can't be expected to behave rationally.

Jeeves..... my smelling salts!

c_g needs some camomile tea

Sorry to be so blunt.

It's not all of us c-g, when I suggested his comments were bollox it was actually mainly that post rather than the other one.

I know aracer, that user has not helped the OP one iota by making such crass comments. Just reading your post, fwiw you need to work through things by talking openly and close that chasm before it's too late. Good luck. 🙂

c_g needs some camomile tea

No I don't! Some proper tea sounds good though. 🙂

c_g needs some camomile tea

Now, now my good lady. You're becoming hysterical. Its not your fault. Its all those hormones. You can't be expected to behave rationally.

😆 So excited that I have today taken delivery of some replacement hormones, I kid you not. 🙂

I'm drinking some camomile tea now. To whom do I hand in my testicles?

(No experience but I'd say leave, I remember wishing my parents would divorce for a bit so they'd both be happy, which would have made me happy. They did stay together but there issues weren't especially deep seated and they're now fine. Yours sounds far more serious and I suspect it'll cheese your kids off more living in a home where 50% of it doesn't get along with each other)

Stoatsbrother - spake thusly :

I'm with Binners.

Thrilled to see you've both found somone else. I wish you both every happiness in your new life together. 😀

I'm in a sort of similar position. My wife doesn't want a married relationship anymore. I still love her and would keep trying to sort it out if she wanted to but I'm happy to accept that she doesn't. We are lucky in that we have room to have separate bedrooms and that makes it possible, I don't believe you can possibly do it without that. It's no secret from anyone, the children between 14 and 17 are fully aware that's how we live as are our friends and family.I don't want to leave, I've stopped travelling after 20 years of being away a lot so now I'm enjoying seeing my children every day and my wife also likes that I can do that. We don't do things a couple for the sake of appearances but we do sometimes all go somewhere together though that's rare. We sit and eat together, we sit and watch the telly together and have a good friendly conversation and I still enjoy her company. We are united when we are dealing with the children which is also important.
I could move out but I've worked hard, we both have, over the years to be mortgage free and I like my house and seeing my kids every day. I don't want to sell up either and have the children move, I don't want to take on another mortgage and my wife would have to change her job to afford one so it's not an option at the moment.The lack of a physical relationship was hard at first but no where near as hard as it was before we had separate rooms. I did think about seeing other people but over the last few months I've begun to realise more and more that I've no interest in replacing what I had, instead I want to do different things.
2 things I've done so far are taking up running again and getting into doing a Park Run every Saturday and buying a road bike and joining a club who ride out every Sunday. Oh and having my own bedroom means that bike lives in there and doesn't have to suffer in a cold garage.
It's easy to get into thinking your life has been put on hold in this situation, and at first I did feel like that but now I just enjoy each day for what it brings and don't worry about what comes along.
Another thing that has really helped is my relationship with my next door neighbour, she's 96 still does her best to look after herself and her 69 year old son who has mental health issues and learning difficulties and can happily wear the same clothes for months at a time! Since she had a fall I've tried to go in and see her for a cup of tea everyday and provide a measure of sane company as she puts it. It's been quite challenging at times, I won't go into details but most people would walk in the house and walk out pretty sharpish! Anyway while she doesn't think she could cope without my help I don't think she'll ever realise just what an inspiration she is to me, for 69 years she's looked after her son and despite being in pain and struggling to cope with his behaviour she will not countenance going into care and leaving him. It quite simply puts my few problems into perspective.
Sorry for the incessant rambling but I hope there may be at least something in it that might help.

And the most important thing I think about if I'm feeling a bit crap is Neil Baldwins take on life.
"I've always wanted to be happy; so I decided to be"

Edukator has it. Dont get caught. Review the situation when the kids are older.

While I have no moral or other such issue with the concept of paying for it as long as the person you are paying really is exercising their free will in choosing to earn their money that way I just couldn't hand over the cash without thinking about what I might have bought in a bike shop!

Well the wife has clearly checked out of the marriage, though I guess she likes some aspects of your presence. Not really clear what is keeping you both there beyond habit. IMO presenting a daily example of a sexless and even affection-free marriage is probably the worst thing you can do for your children, do you want them to grow up thinking that is normal?

Nothing to contribute on the marriage advice front, but avdave, I think you are a stellar bloke for helping your neighbours out, I'm sure they think the world of you.

Thankyou badnewz but I really think I get just as much out of it as she does.

le I have no moral or other such issue with the concept of paying for it as long as the person you are paying really is exercising their free will in choosing to earn their money that way I just couldn't hand over the cash without thinking about what I might have bought in a bike shop!

That's taking good customer service a bit too far. 😯

I had a long hard think about it over the weekend. I have decided to stick it out, I married her for better for worse and theres a reason I did that. Maybe that's a little of an old school opinion, many seem to encourage me to think of my life and my happiness but the happiness and stability for my children is high on my wish list. So my intension is to try and give them that as long as I am able to. I used to think that parents staying together for their kids was more damaging than two separate but happy parents, I personally think that in many ways its neither here or there. as long as they grow up loved and in non damaging environment then that's maybe as good as or better than meeting other men and women as step mother and father figures. My constant involvement with them is way more important than my own happiness. EDIT: and generally we rarely argue and mostly are pretty friendly.

... and hey, I still have the right to change my mind ANd they are young enough that I still have a few years yet before a greater damage would be done, so plenty of time to see if I can get my wife back on board and for her to come to terms with her depression with the help of counselling. Wish me luck. A few years ago I wouldn't have stayed.

Good luck fella. I sincerely hope you can work it out, and you can all be happy

Good luck!

Whichever way it eventually pans out, I admire you for trying to do the right thing by your kids. Stepped back from that brink a couple of times in the last 20 years and glad that I did.

I hope that you get a happy ending one way or the other.

I hope that you get a happy ending one way or the other.

I like what you've done there