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Before tackling the misery inducing chaos that is Edinburgh's Winter Wonderland, you opt for some meat based sustenance, in the form of an authentic German Mcbratwurst. As you are handed your meal you are asked by the clearly Bavarian, stocky red headed youth, 'Dae ye waant broon sauce an a bottle ae ginger wi that?' No thank you, you reply.
This energy boost is short lived as you push on against the throngs like a salmon fighting upstream, you become sapped as you spurn the mock alpine chalet like stalls containing bobble hats, leather handbags and LED based Christmas tree decorations.
You feel crushed by the crowds in a manner of King Mufasa following the wildebeest stampede in The Lion King. You are roused from this daze to the pained tones of George Michael reminding you that you will not be the recipient of his heart this year.
To at least salvage something from this purgatory you buy some overpriced cheese to savour when you return to the safety of home. The price does not matter as you remind yourself how much you love cheese. "Hmmmm cheese!"
You arrive home exhausted many hours later. You salivate thinking of the fromage feast to come as you place your weary feet into a comfy pair of tartan slippers. You prepare the chopping board and upon it, carefully place a cracker seletion and a jar of Tescos Finest Red Onion Chutney.
Your heart starts to race as you collect the knife and stride towards the stilton with apricot, and wensleydale with cranberry which have taken pride of place on the work top.
Your joy however rapidly turns to horror and sheer terror as you slice into the protective jacket of wax to discover your market purchases were a cinnamon scented Christmas candle and a ****ing fruits of the forest bar of soap.
In the manner of Sgt Elias from Platoon you fall onto your knees raise you arms, and through tear stained eyes, plead to the heavens
''Forgive me Amazon, I discarded you this year and realise the grave error I have committed. I shall never forsake you again please forgive me!!"
7/10
I did laugh a few times... Well done!