[Closed] shit + fan = my relationship

Fisrt of all - good luck to you. I've been through one failed relationship (though no t kids involved) and it's not easy on either partner.

However, you might want to consider asking the mods to remove this post and tell them you want another user id in order to make this sort of request a little more anonymous.

Sympathy. I've just split up with my gf after a couple of years. Finally had to admit to myself that if one of you doesn't really want to be a relationship there's nothing you can do other than talk about it, and hope. Im trying to be extra 'positive' but it can be shit at times

Oh, don't drink LOL

I can recommend the services of "Relate" ... I was sceptical about going. Although her indoors went along, she really didn't seem interested. I guess it will work if both parties are open minded. My ex wasn't interested, and although I got a lot of info as to why it had failed, I never felt as though I got all the answers. I also found lots of things about myself to question ... perhaps too many! 😛

I'd suggest all sorts of things to make her remember the good times. Like looking at old photos of the fun you used to have. Point out the great memories. Leave her little notes that she might find.

My wife got depressed last year due to lots of work stress and was signed off work for some time.
In february she told me that she's struggling with our relationship and isn't sure if she sees us staying together

You don't need relate, you need to help her depression.

When you are (properly) depressed, everything seems crap, even the good things in your life. You come up with twisted reasoning to explain why your relationship is no good, even when it should be.

She'll tell you that it's your relationship, but it probably isn't based on what you've said.

I've asked her to attend relationship counselling as I want to make things work but it seems that she's made her mind up.

Although it's very far from perfect Relate should be prepared to see you in your own, you can at least discuss the situation with them fully, and talking to them should prove more useful than any discussions on here.

http://www.relate.org.uk/home/index.html

Cheers druidh but I don't think i'm known to anyone who posts on here so I feel pretty anonymous.
Thanks, I'm going to arrange some sessions with Relate, I'm really up for talking things through and finding some new ways to look at the situation, I'm not ready to give up on this yet and I just need to know that I've tried everything I can before things break down. My real concern is the boys and how any kind of relationship breakdown will impact on them.
You never think it's going to happen to you.....
and thanks emsz but I pass out after two pints of ale so aren't likely to descend into addiction (plus I'm an drug and alcohol counsellor by trade.)

You don't need relate, you need to help her depression.

The depression is certainly an to address - the assumption is (even for the person that is depressed) that people are depressed [i]about[/i] something so they look for something in their life to hang the cause of the depression on. But depression is its own thing.

I just need to know that I've tried everything ......

That really is very important and will help you a lot later, whatever the outcome.

Molgrips speaketh total sense.

My own perception and what I've told my other half is that relationships have a tendency to go up and down and need maintenance if they are to weather the tougher times. This takes time, patience, understanding and support. My concerns at the moment is that she just wants to run away rather than deal with the reality which will involve sitting down, talking and seeing how it goes. I feel pretty powerless.

"i'm not going to give up on you, i love you and my life is better for being with you.. i will be there for you"

its hard to hear it when you're depressed, but sometimes it needs to be said

But depression is its own thing.

+100

My wife occasionally gets this deep down black depression, but usually only in an evening, and is better again by the next morning. Things that are overpoweringly irredeemably terrible in the evening aren't even issues the following day. It's like Jekyll and Hyde.

It seems to me to be down to brain chemistry, since nothing actually changes overnight of course. It does point out how fluid our perception of things can be, irrespective of what those things actually are.

make love more.
Ever wonder why things are magical in the early days of a relationship? it's because you're having sex a lot. Sex creates levels of intimacy between two people and something goes on that sends sparks flying through your mind, espicially women. I find if you attempt to have sex more it sends things fizzing off again, you'll flirt more, kiss more and be more physical in the day.
Of course if she's denying you anyway you might struggle.

sex is an expression of something.usually desire.
I've got nothing against it,but if you're feeling empty then it can leave you feeling emptier.

i've had relationships where the sex was great,abundant and fun(ie3x a day,every day,for a year).but the relationship was a bit shite.
similarly some relationships that were great but didn't have that much sex.
besides,when you're depressed the first thing that goes is your sexual desire.

I don't know what to say.As impossible as it sounds,some space whilst giving her support.
I don't think she knows what she wants,so it's a bit tricky asking her.

having said all that,people do tell you what they want/need,but though they use the same words,they mean them differently.
good luck.don't despair,be a good partner,that's all you can do.

it's because you're having sex a lot

See, I'd say sex is a consequence of a strong relationship, not the other way around.

If you're feeling insecure and depressed, jumping in the sack isn't the first thing on your mind is it?

yeah but it doesn't hurt and people usually enjoy having it. 😈 😆

Some people can't turn it on like a tap. The love has to be there first.

My armchair comment would be: even if it's not the relationship at fault, relate should be able to help your Mrs see this.

Sad story, good luck.

February was a long time ago TD. Whats happened since then? Just trying to build a picture of how its progressing.

I'm not sure of course, but am aware that when someone says something like that its because someone else is involved. It usually needs something dramatic to happen for a married woman with kids to suggest ending a relationship.

Sorry for the mini-threadjack, but [b]molgrips[/b], does your missus have an after dinner cup of tea with sugar?

Sometimes, scuzz, sometimes not. We're currently investigating the effects of sugar and diet on our minds and bodies...

In my little experiance with breakups i've found women check out of a relationship emotionally months before they express any concerns. This leaves little room for reconciliation. Men are more reactive rather than pro active

With kids it's even harder but you need to GIVE HER SPACE. She needs to miss you and what you had. No begging, flowers and carefully written acoustic songs. They will just drive her away further. Make sure she knows you love her and take each day slowly.

Good luck brother

Sometimes, scuzz, sometimes not. We're currently investigating the effects of sugar and diet on our minds and bodies...

Interesting, I'll see if there's a correlation between sugar and mental state (for both of us). Although self-loathing plays a part!

Can you all stop talking about sex?

Not getting any, and this inst helping thanks!

February was when she first mentioned concerns, since then nothing major has happened, i.e. no significant incidents.
Thanks so much for the feedback everyone, I needed to vent more than anything but it's been helpful to hear some positive voices.

We are going to the Scottish version of Relate; like yours only Irn Bru and black pudding rolls served. If you are both positive, then it works,or thus far seems to be. However if your partner is unwell, then maybe that should be first piece of business to attend to?

Not getting any, and this inst helping thanks!

<Tannoy> TSY to the forum, TSY to the forum </Tannoy>

GIVE HER SPACE. She needs to miss you and what you had..

Please please don't do this^. Don't become distant, being alone sucks, but being lonely in a bed with someone else is so much worse.

Or you can force a relationship, beg and plead. Isn't that the alternative to space?

Read loveshack.com broken marriages forum. Lots of people in your situation.

emsz - Member
Can you all stop talking about sex?

Not getting any, and this inst helping thanks!

sorry emsz - what's this sex thing you mention? I must have forgotten... 😕

You don't need relate, you need to help her depression.
When you are (properly) depressed, everything seems crap, even the good things in your life. You come up with twisted reasoning to explain why your relationship is no good, even when it should be.
She'll tell you that it's your relationship, but it probably isn't based on what you've said.

This is totally right.

Listen to this, the man talks sense.

sad story mate, whatever happens, you both have to think of the kids. one persons happiness doesn't depend on another person, but children's happiness DEFINITELY depends on how two people are with each other. its not good for children's wellbeing if two people are not getting on, and living in a climate of resentment, etc., conversely, children can cope well with a breakup, if its done with care...good luck, this is a good place for sound advice, strangely. hope it works out for you all

This all looks familiar.

Wondering if my wife is suffering from a form of depression (she's got a history of it) and the result is that me, along with many other aspects of her life, are viewed in a very negative way.

Very difficult as kids are involved.

Here is another angle, she may be thinking **** this grind of a life and be enjoying a romance.

This is not a cruel or callous post/comment but a friend of mine found solace in feeling young again to escape kids, work stress etc.

'depression is its own thing'
+1000.
i was diagnosed with depression by my gp.
took all the tablets, went along to a counsellor for a few months.
the counsellor helped me realise i wasnt depressed, just unhappy with my life.
hope you and your wife can fix whatever problems you have mate.

An old friend from uni ditched his wife and 8 year old daughter a year or two ago presumably to feel young again. He is now knocking about with a 21 ish year old and posting all over facebook about it.

Not sure how I feel about him now...

[i]An old friend from uni ditched his wife and 8 year old daughter a year or two ago presumably to feel young again. He is now knocking about with a 21 ish year old and posting all over facebook about it.

Not sure how I feel about him now.

Possible answers below:

A. Jealous
B. He's a shallow b@stard
C. Hoping it all goes tits up.

Communication is the key - something that far too many people are unable to do! As suggested, Relate may be able to help, either as a couple or on your own.

If, after that course of action, nothing can be salvaged then a decision needs to be made. As regards children, you need to consider what sort of message you're sending out and how they will view your relationship/their relationships when they're older.

People evolve and I've come to the conclusion, at my ripe old age, that some people are better on their own.

I wouldnt automatically assume that the relationship is what she wants. Your coming at this from your own perspective. We have children and a relationship, we just need to patch it up? It could be that the part of the issue is being depressed at being in a relationship that she may no longer wants.

Sounds bad I know but try to see it from her pespective these things have many causes and no simple answers.

+1 CG

my partner live's 300 metres away. We like our own space and enjoy the same things same and own friends but living together not required.

CG you're not old, just experienced.

As for Molgrips friend that would be my idea of hell, what do they possibly have in common?

(Another experienced individual).