[Closed] seperation / child access help/advice

Horrible situation. All I'd say is she would get better advice from a solicitor than she would on here.

shes now had correspondence from solicitor, DEMANDING he gets to see them an extra day in the week

The decision's been made for her. She need to lawyer up.

yeh its a crappy situation, not nice and the girl aged 6 is really suffering from it, sleepless nights, endless crying, all my friends having to deal with till 2-3 am some mornings...then expected to go to work the next day 🙁

she has spoken to solicitors/advice the letter sent wasn't orchestrated in the sense the solicitor deems this fair etc, it was basically written by a solicitor using his exact words, even referencing his name rather than we the solicitor suggest he gets 'xxxx'

her solicitor has told her as there is no date/time frame on the letter that it doesn't require her to action it, and no doubt they will send another one soon

she wont be able to afford a lawyer though if it goes down the court route, she will have to defend herself

Perchy +1

Once one side has gone that way, the other has to follow if they want an outcome that's either equitable or more in their favour.

was more just after the thoughts of blokes who have been through it, and what's classed as reasonable access from the off, given the situation, if It were me id be more than happy for the time being to have access every other weekend, and once in the week, with it being so fresh and raw, maybe further down the line seek another day/eve to have them for tea, but that's just me I guess

and of course if it goes down the court route, what are the chances of him getting more than he gets at present? given shes solely looked after the kids since he walked out? it would also mean her having to rejig her life around his shift patterns, which of course in the future why on earth is that going to be acceptable for her lifestyle?

as it stands the everyother weekend thing works, and once in the week, all the flexi day/ extra days are things my friend will have to accommodate to work around his working week which is sporadic

I would agree ..solicitor needed ..from personal experience she would appear to have done everything right ..but if things are getting nasty .

She might well quality for legal aid ..

Grrr..predictive txt..should read qualify not quality

cheers - she has seeked legal advice/solicitor help, but not formally so to speak, she has a reply ready for the response to the demands.....but she doesn't know whether to send it herself, or go through the solicitor....the letter she received is nothing more than demands from him on a letterhead typed by them

I don't think you can get free legal aid anymore?

I don't think he is able to sell the house from under her feet. I think she is entitled to live there until the kids are 16.

yeah, she has kind of have been advised that, plus she has her name equally on the deeds too so a 50/50 split on the house, and with 2 under 16/18 children in I doubt very much any court would throw her on to the streets, even if she didn't have any rights to the house given that's been the children/family home since birth

all very messy

I'm not really sure why our opinion matters on what's reasonable contact, unless you are just looking to support her/ your view.

From previous work life joint residency was seen as the ideal and this could take a variety of forms, including one partner having nearly all weekend's, which always seemed a bit off to me. But where dispute occurs alongside the principles of what is best for the children, being reasonable is viewed well by Court's and certainly could support pre-court mediation. For example, it may be reasonable to concede the extra week night, but say no to the floating night as the children need a stable routine family life. Hence, she shouldn't have to work around his sporadic working pattern, and it's not reasonable of him to ask.

Just my view, I'm no lawyer.

Worth looking into ...?

<span style="font-size: 12.8px;"> https://www.gov.uk/legal-aid</span>

I just tried that link and it didn't seem to work ..hopefully ....but it does appear that free legal aid is still available depending on your circumstances ..

smell it - I'm not here to gain support for my views, if my views were out on the forum id be banned for expletives 🙂

just after perhaps some similar stories, what other men in similar situations class as 'reasonable' etc, I feel given the circumstances in which he walked out, she was being reasonable to adapt almost instantly to allowing him access every other weekend and and one night in the week

she has made no demands to him at all, she has accommodated where she can. For example due to working patterns he couldn't do one weeknight he was due to have them, so she offered him the next night instead, but he refused saying it was not his night and he didn't want to have them on her night. So trying to give him the option, he threw it back in her face, that's the level of hatred we are at....

I think if he'd actually realised what leaving a family out of the blue and the impact its made on all of their lives has had in such a massive negative way would do, then the logic in me sees he would try to make the transition as smooth as possible until its all calmed down, who knows months down the line it may well have been plausible to allow him an extra night, but demanding when hes left is such a bitter pill to swallow for her

Hi Pandabear

After spiltting with my wife we settled on me having the kids alternate Friday/Saturday. So for example this weekend I had the kids from 5pm Saturday to 5pm Sunday. This weekend I get them 5pm Friday to 5pm Saturday. In reality My daughter went to a sleepover and my Son left at 8:30am to go out with his mate. But my kids are now 16&14, we've ben doing this for 5 years. While the kids were at primary school I was also helping with pickup and drop off at Breakfast club/afterschool club as my job was in the same town. So I did see them every day. Once they started highschool that obviously stopped so we introduced "Tea with Daddy" on a Wednesday night. They pick a fast food joint to go to for a catchup. There is some flexibility with this, my Ex is working away today and won't be home till 9pm. So I've switched Tea to tonight instead of tomorrow. She's also mentioned taking a training course on Thursday nights, so I've offered to switch Tea out from Wednesday to Thursday. I'm flexible and can plan my days accordingly.

We also came to an arrangement regarding holiday's etc. I've to let her know by 31st March what weeks I want the kids in the summer. We alternate Christmas Eve/Day.

It's only ever fallen down when she met her current husband and he wanted to impose his rules, communication bacame via letter and lots of last minute changes to plans to screw me around.

A friend of mine split from her husband (Police officer). She has a copy of his shift pattern for the next 12 months and they do a 50/50 split based on that.

My advice would be to get a set routine going to begin with so the children know what they are doing as well. Once the parents can communicate, then flexibity about odd days here and there are feasable.

My advice would be to aim for / encourage 50/50 child contact; things will settle and it's for the long term best. Actively resist any hint of 'child weaponisation' - they're children, not pawns. Also be wary of child/parent alienation - the children have enough to deal with without character assassination of either parent.

As for the house and stuff, yes it's a wrench, but ultimately both parents have a right to reasonably realise their assets in order to provide ongoing stable homes. It's just very difficult when the situation is sooo raw and laden with emotion.

If in doubt, try to imagine the most reasonable outcome in five years time, and help your friend see the pathway to that.

When I got divorced almost ten years ago we decided between us that 50/50 access was the best way forward. This has taken the form of our daughter living with me one week, and then with her mum the next and so on.

Its unusual I think (I don't know any other divorcees with such an arrangement) but it has worked out well so far. Daughter has the balance of upbringing from a soft mum and stricter dad, and she has turned out to be great kid. As parents we also get some time off which certainly would help a single mum/dad raising two. At 9 though we are reaching a point were I can see she will want to live permanently with one parent (probably her mum).

cheers, good to get some real life stories

its so hard for her to see the future at the mo, with it being so raw, and it not being a amicable break, (Well it is for him, but not for her) but he wont see that

I cant really get my head round why hes antagonised the sitatuation so soon, long before his solicitor got involved. I think personally from a dad point of view, the best thing would be to stabilise routine for the kids, with it being so new to them, then work on something else once the dust has settled, all hes done really is riled her up, demanded this, demanded that, and tried to scaremonger her in to just giving him what he wants

the 50/50 thing will never be straight forward as his profession wont change and it is shift patters that can change from week to week, so there is no stability in that respect in the week, and also its july unfair to expect my friend to keep just dropping her life based on his shift pattern, from week to week, she wont know whether shes coming or going, how is she supposed to get on with her life, it will all be based around his work life.

its a shame its gone so terrible so quickly, as you can imagine its heal digging time, as she wont be taken for a door mat, the loves disappearing for him and hes done nothing to make her actually want to go out of her way and do anything for him, she still totally wants the children to see their father, that has never been disputed, which is ultimately all that matters.

This might help;

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/sorting-out-money-when-you-separate/help-with-legal-fees-when-you-separate/

(I hope that works, it's my first URL in the new forum)

You're right of course; given that he is the one that left (no value judgement there, to either party) it does seem like he's being a bit of an arse. Did he have an affair/meet someone else? Is he just trying to land-grab and define the narrative before the truth comes out? Either way he's not really doing himself any favours by upping the antagonism.

A horrible situation, and horrible to lose friendships like this as well.

Thankfully I don't know anything about this situation . But I'll comment anyway.

It seem likely that he is requesting the extra evening and every weekend in order to force her to sell the house....

Is she is the main carer then there is zero chance a court will tell her to sell.  But if they have 50.50 care then that could change drastically

cant really get my head round why hes antagonised the sitatuation so soon[\quote]

There are 2 sides to every story

 

 <span style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #444444; font-size: 16px;">cant really get my head round why hes antagonised the sitatuation so soon[\quote]</span>

There are 2 sides to every story

 

It seem likely that he is requesting the extra evening and every weekend in order to force her to sell the house….

Is she is the main carer then there is zero chance a court will tell her to sell.  But if they have 50.50 care then that could change drastically

I have a colleague currently going through divorce and this is definitely a factor for him. His circumstances are very different to those the OP describes but he is adamant that having 50-50 access means his wife has less claim on the family home.

cheers for the link/adive

nikc - yep there are 2 sides to every story, agreed, since this has happened verbal throwaway comments have come from both sides, my friend is obviously bitter, and heartbroken her family has been ripped to shreds, he chose to walk, regardless though, he walked out on his family, there is no getting away from that, to come back demanding he gets xxxxx after doing so is the hardest thing to comprehend in my eyes, but we all view things differently

she is the main carer, in the sense that yes they are with her every day of the week that they are not at his friends house when he has them, she pays for the food, upkeep etc, gets them ready for school every day and all the other jazz of that, assume that's what is meant by being the main carer?

he still puts money in the joint account, not sure on the ins and outs, but shes not mentioned anything money wise, as it doesn't actually appear to be a problem from what I can gather, the financial side of it....(other than the house sale problem)

sounds interesting the angle he may be going for more access, is to help towards selling the home? can he force this though given she owns half? he cant surely make her sell a house shes own equally with him? kids or no kids?

it turns out since, or very since, there may well have been another woman on the scene, so it may be part/main reason he did leave, somethings definitely going on now with another work colleague but whether that was happening before who knows, obviously adds further injury to already broken woman, but if that's the case, theres not much she can do about it anyways, guess his reasonings for leaving are irrelevant when/if it goes to court as all they will be interested in is whats best for the children

also would court advise separating a just under 2 year old child away from its mum on a 50/50 split?

Is she is the main carer then there is zero chance a court will tell her to sell.  But if they have 50.50 care then that could change drastically

Are you are solicitor or legal expert, because I am very doubtful that this is correct? I think whether legal action by him to get a court to order that the house be sold would succeed or fail would be very much dependent on the circumstances.

The fact that she can afford the mortgage on her own may not be relevant/sufficient, if her earnings are not enough for the mortgage company to agree to his name being removed from the mortgage, something that may be likely if she is part time.

If the mortgage company would not agree to his name being removed from the mortgage, then even though he would be making no future contribution to the payments, that would probably prevent him from being able to buy a house or flat of his own, and the amount of the mortgage would impact any affordability checks in the event of any other types of loan/credit checking.

Moreover, if they have is substantial equity in the house, can she afford to buy out his half of that equity?

If she were earning enough to be able to afford a mortgage on her own (even increasing it to raise the money to pay him his half of the equity), then I imagine she could stay in the house, and there would be no need for him to apply to court to force a sale. Otherwise, I suspect that a court would order a sale to free him from the mortgage and split the equity, to allow both of them to go their separate ways and find new homes. Obviously that's going to be a damn sight more difficult for her as the primary carer on a part time wage, but I suspect that is what is likely. So she may find that she will have little choice but to move into rented accommodation.

As others have said, she must see a solicitor.

A full 50/50 split of which parent the children live with will affect child maintenance, i.e. 50/50 means that neither parent would be required to pay child maintenance, but that is a separate issue from the house sale. Even if residence is split 50/50, that would still leave the question of who pays for things like new clothes, school uniform and any school related payments (trips etc.).

I knew a couple who split a few years ago. He basically ****ed of and left her and the kids. House was in both names with not much equity and he just stopped paying his share after a few months. The banks then chased the mother as it was in both names they just wanted their money and as she was the one living there and corresponding with the bank she got the brunt of it.

he cant surely make her sell a house shes own equally with him? kids or no kids?

IANAL but no, but he can ask for half the equity held in it if he's got 50/50 access. If she can't afford to buy him out and/or the mortgage provider don't think she can afford to then she may will be required to sell. As mentioned above, 50/50 means no maintenance as it's seen that both parents will have equal time and financial responsibility. including housing.

also would court advise separating a just under 2 year old child away from its mum on a 50/50 split?

Again, IANAL but you're not separating a child from its mother, more giving both parents equal access to any children.

I've not read all the replies but my sister's a family lawyer (north wales) - dm me if you think she might be able to help.

fwiw - she should go to a solicitor (any solicitor) this is too important to **** up.

Not a lawyer either, but the principles are fairly clear. In a separation there will be an even split of assets, care, access etc.  Your friend has an entitlement, but the fact they were not yet married may be troublesome (for assets such as pension valuation against property). In any event, she should remain civil and flexible, particularly regarding his shifts. The best interests of the children are what matters most, including having a stable home. She will not be losing that, because of the children’s interests.

Her partner is soon to discover the disappearance of economies of scale when living not in one, but two, households, I’m afraid to say.

And yes, legal advice is needed, particularly as they are not married. But there are plenty of cases of people splitting amicably and doing the right thing. You just don’t hear about them.

he chose to walk, regardless though, he walked out on his family

I don't know the circumstances, but are you saying that under no circumstances should a couple with a child ever split up? What should he have done, asked her to leave? Or just got on with it and shot spiteful comments at each other over the breakfast table?

I've just gone on the Child Maintenance Calculator and changed it from me having the kids 1 night a week to 3+. My payments would go from £91/wk to £41/wk.

50/50 split doesn't stop you paying, as one parent (usually the mother) will still be primary carer.

https://www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 12px; background-color: #eeeeee;">50/50 split doesn’t stop you paying, as one parent (usually the mother) will still be primary carer.</span>

This isn't correct. If care is equal 50/50 then CMS deem there to be no primary carer and will not make a calculation. What complicates matters is that they assume the primary carer is the person in receipt of child benefit (normally the mother) and in the case of a claim, it's up to the one not in receipt of child benefit to show that care is equal.

It's worth noting that 50/50 is about care provision - not number of nights.

I’ve just gone on the Child Maintenance Calculator and changed it from me having the kids 1 night a week to 3+. My payments would go from £91/wk to £41/wk.

50/50 split doesn’t stop you paying, as one parent (usually the mother) will still be primary carer.

My mistake - apologies. I guess that would help the resident parent to cover those costs like clothes which are not dependent on the split of care.

In a separation there will be an even split of assets, care, access etc.  Your friend has an entitlement, but the fact they were not yet married may be troublesome (for assets such as pension valuation against property).

An even split of only jointly owned assets. If they are not married, she has no potential claim over his pension and it will have no impact on the split of the jointly owned assets.

Her partner is soon to discover the disappearance of economies of scale when living not in one, but two, households, I’m afraid to say.

I think this factor tends to affect the woman much more than the man, assuming that she is the primary carer of the children and as a result is often the one who sacrifices career prospects and earning potential, e.g. by staying at home or going part time. If an unmarried couple split, for the non-resident parent the financial impact could largely just be paying the legal minimum amount of child maintenance.

If she is forced to sell the house and move into rented accomodation, and is unable to improve her earning prospects because of the past and future demands of being the primary carer, e.g. continuing part time work, the long term impact on her is likely to far greater than on him.

My personal experiences aren't that  relevant. My ex walked out on me, taking my 2 year old son with her and moved 200 miles away. I didn't see him once for the first 18 months despite my efforts and that was really tough.

Eventually she decided to take me to court to gain some child support and I, in return, got my son back for every school holiday. She's now decided that she can't cope with him (he's a 15 year old, well behaved, gifted academic with very average teenager problems) so he's moved in with us full time for college.

Things have eventually turned out ok for me and my son. Not so sure about his estranged mother, but as long as he's in a good place and without too many resulting issues, that's good enough.

I hope that your friend comes out of this eventually as well as we both have.

Is this about maintenance...?  My BiL (Whose wife left him and he stayed in family home.) doesn’t pay any maintenance and this I believe is as they have shared custody 50/50.  He did have to buy her half of the house though - and that at the market value.  The latter despite paying the 60k deposit himself and his wife working (very, very) part-time...

Just commenting on how reasonable the mum in question has been.

Her ex has no idea how lucky he is that the mum of their kids puts them first.

I had 2 court battles just to get to see my son every other weekend. That's pretty much the generic default.

Tell your friend that her ex is the sort of father that made my courts battles harder by painting us all with the same brush.

Even with all the anger, hurt and worry she has done right by her children. Her kids have a superb, loving,  mum and I wish the three of them the best for the future.

Go get her on tinder poopscoop.

thanks for all the responses, she will be using a solicitor for any response to the letter she has received from now in, if he wants court it will go to court, she will defend herself, and he will have to pay for the privilege.

as someone mentioned above, it seems his plan is 50/50 access to A) not have to pay maintenance and B) to try and help force the sale of the house, upon speaking to a solicitor this is his sole aim

lovely bloke, willing to force his his kids out of their home they've known since day one, after just 2 months of breaking up and over 16 years together! knowing full well my friend works only part time on circa ~10k a year with HIS 2 kids, and has no way of supporting solely a household from fresh, and likely no chance of a mortgage on her own

she is well aware of the chance of it going to court and him getting 50/50, so she knows the worse case scenario, there are also a few things I wont disclose on here, that will make it very hard for him to actually get that mind, besides his sporadic job situation.

they were engaged and upon looking into this she does have some rights, not marriage rights, but she has proof they were engaged for 10 years plus...

poopscoop - appreciate the words, I know you all don't know the ins and outs and theres 2 sides to every story, I can only tell you what ive witnessed and seen, and I'm all for men getting equal rights, and under no circumstance would I wish for the kids to not see their father, but the facts/letter doesn't lie, hes a bully, shovenistic, arrogant person, hes little to no interest in the best interests of his kids, only whats best for him, and to spite my friend...pure pure hatred there!

Obviously you know some details but what is the alternative?

It seems your friend wants to "play happy families" ... regardless of if he loves HER or not she seems to want to continue as if he does.

I'm not saying that is not a viable solution ... but it can really only work if that is what both parties really want.

Your talking as if he's abandoning his kids but he's not he's walking away from her... and if he REALLY wants 50/50 access then on the face of it he needs somewhere for them to live in his 50%.

It's pretty much a fact of life that 2 dwellings will be more than one and that means downsizing or your friend working full time.

Looking at this from outside, why should she have the luxury of a part time job and why should he pay for it?  From what you said she couldn't possibly afford this.

If he REALLY means to have the kids 50% then he needs somewhere to live with them for that 50%.

If he is just saying he wants 50% for the house any half decent family practice solicitor will be advising him that he needs to be VERY careful what he asks for!

He doesn't need to say he wants 50/50 to get a rebalancing of assets... and though he might not get the same he could be financially much better off ... so I wouldn't dismiss him actually WANTING 50/50.  (Being any of the things you say he is doesn't actually change the fact he may very genuinely want 50/50 access to his kids)

Hi Steve -

its all very bitter, my understanding is he walked, but is blaming her for absolutely everything, there has been no compromise on his behalf, hes demanded since he left, it doesn't matter if he left my friend, he also left the family, left the girls, he walked away from everything, the family comes as a package not just my friend

I understand if he didn't/doesn't love her, but if that was how he felt and wanted to leave, there are far more forgiving ways to leave, than to just walk out and not hear anything for 2 weeks, no contact at all even ref the kids! he then went ultimate defensive, blamed her for everything, blamed her for him walking out (shes never cheated on him, its more a clash of personality if anything!) taken no responsibility for his actions

had he just stated he didn't love her and was ready to walk, I could understand, she wouldn't have liked it obviously but, it may have made the whole process smoother for her, the kids and even himself

hes not once tried to compromise, just as soon as he got back in touch, after leaving was a case of my solicitior will be in touch asap, regarding getting 50/50 access, ill be taking you to court etc, and you'll have to buy me out the house (knowing she cant fulfil that)

her instant reaction was to make sure the girls kept contact with their father, she did this, more than fair given the circumstances, as above a woman scorned can turn into a complete nightmare as poopscoop has experienced, she has only ever done whats best for the kids, hes only ever done since what is best for him

I understand obviously shes my friend, but I'm really struggling to see how on earth I would ever do such a thing to my family, If I wanted to leave the family home and not be with my partner (its obviously been stewing/another woman), id do everything in my power to be on the side of the partner I'm leaving, for a smooth as possible resolution for everyone involved, instead hes done the polar opposite, id be more than happy with the solition of everyother weekend and a day in the week, until perhaps things have calmed down, and be very thankful I was getting that! this all occurred little after 2 months of him walking out, not even had time to begin to start to heal, nor the kids get used to it.

what is the alternative?

From pandabear's comments, it does not sound like the man has an immediate pressing need to come off the mortgage, i.e. he is not likely to be in a position to look to buy a house/flat himself for at least a little while, and she is able to afford the mortgage payments herself. For the same reason I doubt he has an immediate pressing need for his half of the equity from their house, since it would presumably be used as the deposit to buy a house/flat.

In other words, no matter what his feelings to her are, the decent thing to do would be to give her and the children as much time as possible to come to terms with what is happening.

Looking at this from outside, why should she have the luxury of a part time job and why should he pay for it?  From what you said she couldn’t possibly afford this.

Why should he have the luxury of a well paid full time job with a good pension provision, which is  not compatible with being the primary carer of his own children? Why should she pay for that? Because in going part time she has paid for it in sacrificing earning potential and possibly career advancement, and will probably pay for it for the rest of her entire working life, at the end of which she will have a worse pension. He probably couldn't possibly afford to pay for professional childcare that would cover his shifts.

pure pure hatred

He has to hate her. That's the only way he can justify his own behaviour to himself. No one wants to look in the mirror every day and see a complete and utter shit. For most of us that means we behave generally decently. He doesn't, so he has to twist it round in his mind to make himself the victim.

I'm going through something similar, I have the kids living with me their mum moved out last year and is with someone else and is supposedly wanting her kids to live with her (only says this when it comes to court) yet she hasn't called their school/attend any Christmas plays or parents evenings etc so it's obvious she doesn't want to put the effort in...

Although I'm in a minority being a dad with the kids, so many of my family and ftifrie have been through this stuff where the dad leaves fights tooth and nail through court to try and get access etc but then a year or two down the road meet someone else and their interest tapers off and they rarely actually see their kids despite making everything so expensive and traumatic with all the court stuff to start with.

If he is a decent guy he will just want to see his kids and not turn it into a battle over maintenance payments etc as in my experience the ones who do that are the ones who aren't really thinking about the kids

But tell your friend she is doing a great job and things do get easier and as long as the kids are happy that really is all that matters whatever haooens

slowster - absolutely as I see it, so I'm not alone in thinking like its the decent thing to do, this is all manipulative/arrogant play by him, although its great he wants to see the kids, knowing him and the level of arrogance he has, it purely just about him, its not whats best for the kids, whats best for the kids is surely living in the home they have known since day one, and although long term that isn't sustainable for him, you would have thought he'd let the dust settle and let everyone come to terms with the HUGE adjustments and effects its having on everyone, FWIW , my friend and her daughter are both having to have therapy to deal with this, it is huge the effect its had on them, out of absolutely no where, hes made absolutely no effort to make things right, nor even remotely try and I think you've summed it up perfectly slowster with this comment

'<span style="display: inline !important; float: none; background-color: transparent; color: #444444; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue','Helvetica',Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 12px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 14.4px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">He has to hate her. That’s the only way he can justify his own behaviour to himself. No one wants to look in the mirror every day and see a complete and utter shit. For most of us that means we behave generally decently. He doesn’t, so he has to twist it round in his mind to make himself the victim.'</span><b></b><i></i><u></u>

this absolutely sums up the situation 10000% in my eyes

wiggles - thanks for that, she will appreciate any kind comments I am to show her, I think its taken a real knock on her thoughts of men in general, given all she's seen from him and what hes capable of, from a seemingly good hard working normal bloke....

he has turned it totally into, him versus my friend, his demands on the letter simply did not state one thing about the childrens needs, and whats best for them, purely , I want the kids this day, I want the kids xxx amount of days extra

luckily she is quite savvy in the sense shes intelligent, got everything documented and is on the ball, I'm not sure how shes managed to get through the last few months, whilst dealing with this, work and looking after a 2 year old and 6 year old alone but no doubt she will come out stronger, and he will continue to look in the mirror and tell himself hes done absolutely nothing wrong

Regardless of what he wants, decisions on accesss will prioritise what is best for the children. In the case of the 2 year old it is unlikely that a court will allow even overnight stays

Hey Pandabear... I'm not even trying to do quotes on the new forum yet....

As you say this is something that has obviously been brewing for a while but then both parties must have been involved (or perhaps not involved is more accurate).

Obviously I don't know your friend... or her "ex" but reading between the lines a bit surely the relationship has been on the rocks for some time.

They presumably didn't go from lovey dovey to him walking out in a week? Based on what you said earlier it seems to me she knew things were not right but thought she could "play happy families for the sake of the kids".

However, they were presumably not communicating effectively.... for her to be surprised about this.

Incidentally I do have a friend who stayed for a decade... and walked out the same day the youngest left home. His wife was shocked and stunned.... but then he said she hadn't listened to him in a decade so hardly surprising. She continued to be shocked and stunned for about 3 months.

To be fair he's a bit of a brash bloke... many may describe as chauvinistic or arrogant. He didn't leave because of another woman, he left because he didn't want to stay in the same house a day after he felt he had to.

3 months later his ex was over the shock and another bloke had moved in. From his perspective the two happened simultaneously - one week she was accusing him of walking out and practically demanding he move back in.. the next she was shacked up with a new bloke. He doesn't suspect anything was going on at the time but then he doesn't care... his only regret he says is putting up with the situation for 10 years and not moving out sooner. Especially as his kids are now asking why he didn't and how living in that environment affected them.

I never met his ex nor kids but its just a perspective that he could almost be your friends "ex" ... except he didn't.

Your friend however is in a fairly strong position.... the fact he walked out seems to illustrate he didn't plan this with the intent of getting the house and any legal advice at all.

That leaves being too stupid to get legal advice.(or even a consensus of people as surely most would say don't leave the house) ... just snapping or another woman ???

Mildbore - I'm curious as to why you think a father would be denied overnight stays of their two year old? I was cared for my children overnight on a regular basis pretty much from weaning/3 months.

My comment was based on CAB advice given to my son when he was pursuing access to his 2yo. It may of course be wrong or modified by individual circumstances

She needs to get a solicitor to respond to the letter. She needs to know facts about her entitlements and his as father. From that point they will need to come to some agreement. The father may pursue the court route if but that is his choice she will just have to deal with it.

Luckily when I split from my eldests mum it was kind of amicable but still really horrible for the first couple of year's. You just have to suck up / back down on some things for the greater good. If both gets spiteful it's super tough. Sometimes you do need a solicitor to state your case and facts about their choices and your rights. It also reduces worry as you dont live with maybes and coulds in your head.

Yr friend seems to be doing the right things but needs facts rather than advice. She can then only make her own decisions. It's a tough process but once a routine is established it gets easier. Eventually.