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I'll try and keep this short and to the point. I'm in a situation where most people would say it's time to split from my partner, however the logistics of doing so seem to make it impossible to do in actuality. We have 3 children that I would want at least joint custody of if not full custody. How on earth can I move out (she won't) and afford to pay to rent somewhere and pay bills on 2 properties until the finances are settled which may be a year or longer. She doesn't work, I earn just over the average annual income.
I am feeling trapped right now but want to do the best by my children
Feel for you fella. That sounds like a horrible situation to be in. afraid I can't offer any advice but wish you all the best.
Having been there myself. Don't move out.
Not sure what your circumstances are, but my ex had decided she was going to stay in the family home and I was to move out. I had to point out that only I could afford the mortgage repayments. She eventually conceded and moved out.
She had instigated the split however so I felt I had some room to hold my ground on this.
Separate finances took a long time with solicitors involved. Every time I thought we had agreed on a figure, she asked for more.
Horrible process, best of luck.
My three kids and I are out the other side and doing well now though, split was pretty amicable all being told, just frustratingly slow...
We're kind of in a similar situation but only two kids and both of us are working. Even so, we've agreed there is no point in expecting to have our new living arrangements sorted out any time soon. Realistically we're probably going to all still be living together at the end of the year and it might take even longer.
Unless there is a reason you have to be out of the house very soon I would just have a conversation about realistic timeframes to get established in your respective new living arrangements.
My advice, don't move out, this risks access, as you are not technically there.
Seek advice, family solicitors deal with this all the time. Ask questions.
If she can work they will make her go back to work.
The more you can be amicable and discuss and work out between you the better, if you present a both agreed case the judge will agree.
If you make the judge decide its not great, they are old school sh1te and usually side with mum
As far as I'm aware, the judges are not there to care about what's "fair" to either parent. They're there to make sure the kids are provided for as well as possible with minimal disruption to them. So if one parent moves out and then contends custody, a court is more likely to favour the kids staying put in their home and the absent parent covering some of that cost. How much the moved-out parent covers depends on the difference in the parents' earnings and assets.
But also, if it does end up going through solicitors and courts it is potentially MUCH more complicated, drawn out and expensive. Even a divorce lawyer friend advised me to avoid getting lawyers involved if possible!
I don't think staying would be viable, she will make my life very difficult if I wanted to separate. I am the main carer for the children currently, and if asked I think they would rather live with me, would that count for nothing?
No way she will move out and she will be incredibly hostile from day1 if I make a move to go
Some sound advice here. I have been through a similar situation a long time ago now. I can only say don't let communication the two of you break down. It's much easier if you can actually talk to one another
yeah, i echo the above. My ex decided to end it one day, we had a 4 year old, mortgage, but werent married. I moved back to my parents at 30 years old. it sucked. I then paid the mortgage for 13 months, whilst they lived there, knowing it was coming, then accused me of making them homeless. She took basically everything. Muggins here had to walk on eggshells for years, as to not upset the ex, as she would limit my access to my daughter. I still regret not going through the courts and getting split custody or an agreement.
Although we are assuming its an amicable 'grown apart split'. If its due to someone doing the dirty, then they have less of a leg to stand on in my eyes and should reap what they sow.
A mate moved out, despite being the only earner, although I understand why he did it. Wife had to return to work and he provided support for the kids. After 3 years of slow progress she got a solicitor involved, and has since failed to meet any of the deadlines her own solicitor has set. Loads of extra costs.
5 years on, it's still not resolved, both kids now at uni. House hasn't sold. He's torn all his hair out. Going for a ride/beer with him tonight.
He was lucky to be earning nearly double national wage, and met someone after a few months who he is now living with. As an average wage earner, as is MrsMC, pretty sure there's no way we could afford to separate, short of proper shitty houses in proper shitty areas of town.
Can only wish the OP good luck. The kids should be the priority for you both.
Stared down that barrell a couple of times over the years, suspect a lot of couples are still technically living together long after the relationship has run it's course.
Said this on another thread
you need to get a mediator involved, even if it doesn't help, directly, there will still be documentation recording any issues occurring. the only way anyone is getting forced out of the house if they are causing a risk to the other or kids pretty much.
Sod living in a house with someone if it's bad, but that's the only choice unless you can move out with the kids and forgo any ties financially to your current property (which i doubt you can)
If not, you will need help sorting this
It wouldn't be amicable, she is a narcissist and manipulative and that's on a good day, I've seen what happens to people she has a minor grudge against.
Guess it's time to suck it up for another 10 years and start playing the lottery.
Just been shafted trying to do the "amicable" thing - go get formal legal advice.
suspect a lot of couples are still technically living together long after the relationship has run it's course
Yip, that's my situation. No kids, just a mortgage together.
Good luck OP.
I'd start to keep a diary of what is discussed and agreed, just incase she tries to change the narrative on what was agreed.
Who's name is on the house? (yours/both)
Similar with other assets around cars, savings, etc?
I'd also think about setting your own bank account up and potentially having your salary paid into that so you have sole control of that cashflow
She doesn’t work, yet you do and you’re the main carer 🤯