[Closed] Sense check - Am I being unreasonable

In a word

No.

That way, everyone wins.

I'd do the same - but expect grief.

I sympathise with you more over the grade A prick rather than the religious ceremony bit.

However, dealing with each others eclectic friends is part of being a couple.

So I'm going to stay sat on this fence getting splinters up my arse and see how this pans out...

Sorry but you should support your wife on this one if that's what she wants, get over yourself regarding the religious stuff.

Yes, you are...this is one of those times where you have to do the couple thing.

Saying that, I'd do what you are suggesting as well, so I'm aware of the right choice but I'd not do it myself.

Nope, seems entirely sensible to me.

I'd be out of the house now to avoid the pre-weekend grief too.

I think it'd be unreasonable to expect you to attend the religious bit if you've strong feelings on the matter. The rest of it depends whether you and your wife routinely opt out of socialising with each others friends, that seems a bit odd to me.

One of my wife’s university friend’s is [b]having their baby indoctrinated into their particular faith[/b] this weekend.

You sound like you are being a dick over other people choices.
That’s about it really.

Am I being unreasonable?

By thinking that the baby's parents' intentions for their child, your wife's friend's choice of partner and your wife's wish to attend with her husband (as per, I assume, the invitation) are all subordinate to your opinion?

I don’t believe I am…

I bet you don't.

get over yourself regarding the religious stuff.

Nah, the religosists get to be all entitled about having their wishes respected; it's about time the atheists stood up and said no siree too without being questioned. Otherwise it's just unthinkingly falling into a rut of normalising outdated 'traditions'.

He's not saying he's going to stand there with a banner and object to the goings on - he just wants no part of it and feels uncomfortable that his wish to do just that is being questioned as an option to make.

On the the friends thing - if he really is an arse and your wife knows that what you think I'd say it's equally unreasonable for her to invite him into your joint home to stay without both of you wanting it to happen. I have friends that I know my wife does not enjoy the company of (or rather the company of the friend's wife - so very similar to the OP's situation in reverse) and I wouldn't dream of inviting them to stay and ruining my wife's weekend and precious down time between busy working weeks as I respect her time and wishes as much as my own.

I'd feel how you feel about it (fortunately it's not a bridge I've had to cross yet, none of our pals have had their kids christened because it's 2019 not 1436) but you do have to suck it up. I might be allowed to miss the christening itself provided I showed my face after but hanging around with your wife's pals whether you like them or not is just part of marriage. I'd bet she hangs around with some of your mates that she thinks are bellends too.

Agree with most on this thread: sympathise with you but wouldn't expect to be able to go away without getting grief.

Simple answer (most of the time) to the question AIBU... if you have to ask, then yes!

TL:DR: Yes, you're being unreasonable.

my two penneth, is the christening for show or because they are religious, if the couple were religious then i'd be inclined to go, if they aren't then i'd go out on my bike and go for beers free sandwiches afterwards at pub

I reckon if your wife thinks you're being unreasonable, then you're being unreasonable 😉

I think in a similar situation I'd be playing the jolly host to the objectionable guests, and attending the ceremony, etc. Perhaps with gritted teeth. But whether that's reasonable or not for you really depends on the dynamics of your relationship.

it’s about time the atheists stood up and said no siree too without being questioned. Otherwise it’s just falling into a rut of normalising outdated ‘traditions’.

At risk of derailing the thread - say two friends are getting married in a church, would you go?

I would, and I'm atheist. I wouldn't sing the hymns or say the prayers but I'd be there to celebrate their marriage with them, which is the point, for me, of the ceremony. Similarly in this case I'd go to the christening as, for me, the ceremony is about celebrating the arrival of their child with them.

I'd be hoping my husband would come with me because I'd asked him to.
Tweedleprk can be avoided mostly, there's no expectation of a religion change of heart.

At 50 - I'm too old to go to events like this that I don't want to - so I'm with you on this one.

They'd have to be really good friends for me to attend weddings or christenings.

Is it the religious aspect they are going for or a place in the local school or church wedding they have their eyes on 🤔 my dad was a priest and used to refer to the later type as 4 wheeled Christians as they only turned up in pram, limo and at the end a hearse. If you are an atheist what does it really matter to you?

She invited them or said yes, we would love to see you. She wants you there to dilute the prickmas effect.
Bug out and let her deal with them
However, if you were consulted, and said OK, then suck it up buttercup.
Except I reckon it was presented as a fair acomplis by her, therefore giving you an opt out.
Rather than risking the silent treatment how about being there for a bbq the evening before, then disappear with work for all the religious tosh,
Or another plausible reason to do one, bike ride,
There might be a reason why I have never been in a LTR, so the above advise is caveated

I don't mind going to a wedding in a church. These days, now that Christianity is dying on its arse, it's easier to view them as fancy registry offices.

I'd grudgingly stay about but make sure there's a weekend away planned for doing something we do want to do.

1) You're being a dick
2) It's exactly what I'd do (and have done)

what will the consequences be?

Borderline.

Depends on whether you were asked about the whole thing beforehand, or just ordered to go along with it.

You never know... you might find yourself filled with the love of the Holy Spirit/Allah/Krishna and repent your atheist ways

I take it that they’re playing the long game to get junior into a decent school?

So it doesn’t really matter if you’re their or not

Assuming it's a Christening you're on about (or similar event) then it's not actually about God or Churches or anything else. It's a cultural thing about celebrating the fact that a child has been born to your friends, and they've asked you to be around them as they celebrate that. People choose to do that celebration in a religious 'framework' because that's how our society has worked for hundreds of years. It's inertia, and yes I personally think it's a bit silly, but you are totally acting like a clown here.

what will the consequences be?

No pudding?

Is your wife called Louise?

tweedledee and tweedleprick

What is their surname?

🤡

yeah, you're being unreasonable. Skipping the ceremony itself is one thing, disappearing for the entire weekend is quite another.

hanging around with your wife’s pals whether you like them or not is just part of marriage

...so part of marriage is making one half of the relationship do something, or lots in this example, that they dont want to do? Thats madness, no wonder so many couples divorce.

I’d bet she hangs around with some of your mates that she thinks are bellends

Why would you force your partner to hang out with people she/he thinks are bellends? I have more respect for my wife than to make her do something she clearly doesn't want to do. Why on earth would she hang round with people she thinks are bellends? I wouldn't expect or want her to.

Husbands and wives can and do have separate friendships, its healthy.

 

Where's the "that prick isn't stepping foot over the threshold of my house, tell them to get a hotel" option?

A relationship is often about compromise, but "compromise" isn't losing your own sense of self and rolling over every time the other partner wants something.

I've spent far too much time in the company of arseholes because they were "friends" or friends of friends, or just generally marching to someone else's tune, and with the benefit of hindsight my life would have been improved immeasurably if I'd learned to say "no" at an earlier age. Your wife wants to go, you respect her decision; you don't, why should she not respect your decision too? You're not standing there demanding "we're not going" so that's your compromise right there, no?

You should support your wife, its all part & parcel of the crap involved with choosing to be in a relationship.

I hate christenings. not just the religious connotations, but the cynic in me just see's a grubby exercise in obtaining cash and gifts for the new brat - but id probably just go along with what the mrs wants.

there does not seem to be many christenings these days which is good, but in the past ive just turned up at the reception thing and skipped church... the little baby is never arsed.

what i wanna know is what makes the house guest such a prick ??

Sorry but yes you are being unreasonable.
I am a firm 6 on the Dawkins atheism scale, but recognise that there are events (funerals, weddings, christenings etc) which may have a religious nature but, critically, are simply not about me and my beliefs (or lack thereof). Equally I would not expect those of a religious bent to decline to turn up to my wedding/funeral on the basis that its location does not accord with their religious beliefs. We all just need to recognise that there is a time and a place to "express" our views, and someone else's christening (or wedding or funeral) is not one of those (and failing to turn up is simply another way of expressing your views).
Oh and putting up with your partner's friends for relatively short periods of time is just part of the deal of being married unfortunately.

Yes you are.

As others have said, it's to celebrate the birth of a child. You don't have to say any prayers etc.

As for Tweedleprick, that's just life. The wife of the bloke I was Best Man for, hates me. Always has. It's pretty mutual. We can still deal with each other.

so part of marriage is making one half of the relationship do something, or lots in this example, that they dont want to do?

It's called a compromise. part of life.

…so part of marriage is making one half of the relationship do something, or lots in this example, that they dont want to do? Thats madness, no wonder so many couples divorce.

I keep my wife locked in the cellar so as to best void this kind of unpleasantness

Assuming it’s a Christening you’re on about (or similar event) then it’s not actually about God or Churches or anything else. It’s a cultural thing about celebrating the fact that a child has been born to your friends, and they’ve asked you to be around them as they celebrate that. People choose to do that celebration in a religious ‘framework’ because that’s how our society has worked for hundreds of years. It’s inertia, and yes I personally think

101 reasons not to ****ing go then!!
Disclaimer, I went to one last year because mrs anagallis said she wanted me to. It wasnt too awful, also my son who believed all the dairy stories told in school was really put off by how dull it was and never wants to go to church again...result!!! 😀

At risk of derailing the thread – say two friends are getting married in a church, would you go?

I would, and I’m atheist. I wouldn’t sing the hymns or say the prayers but I’d be there to celebrate their marriage with them, which is the point, for me, of the ceremony. Similarly in this case I’d go to the christening as, for me, the ceremony is about celebrating the arrival of their child with them.

I'm getting older, crankier and more of a tosser with age! I have done exactly what you say you do in the past to both weddings and christenings. Went to a religious funeral last year but that was for work to support ex students of mine so I see that as a bit different - my job was not to participate but to support others participating. Some were religious lite but some (one christening in particular) were (to my mind) horrendous occasions of chanting and fire and brimstone sermon. If it wasn't happening in a 'normal' church I'd have thought I had accidentally found myself in some sort of nutjob cult meeting. Fortunately despite attending countless weddings (40 maybe) I can only remember 4 in churches and only 3 friends have bothered with christening - I must run in a very heathen crowd.

But, now it's a no. Only had to do it twice mind but it's my firm position. One I explained why rather than just a no show as they were friends, the other I went for a coffee as I was a plus one, had never met the bride or groom and would not be missed. Pitched up shortly afterwards and to my knowledge no harm done.

Your wife just doesn’t want to have to answer questions about where Scruff is (ie lie). So you’re both being selfish. As someone who has an explicit policy of doing exactly what I want, I’d do the same.

Borderline.

Depends on whether you were asked about the whole thing beforehand, or just ordered to go along with it.

Kind of this, but I think your OH's doing the unreasonable part of it, not you.

One of my wife’s university friend’s is having their baby indoctrinated into their particular faith this weekend.

You sound like you are being a dick over other people choices.
That’s about it really.

I dunno, I read a horrific piece about Christian Scientists over the weekend. If that's their faith, I'd want no part of it either https://www.theguardian.com/world/2019/aug/06/christian-science-church-medicine-death-horror-of-my-fathers-last-days.

Might just be easiest to say the friend is a prick and you can't stand being around them. Makes you seem less bothered about people's choices and more about people being pricks.

While I can empathise you are conflating two issues which doesn’t really help your cause.

A: were you asked about the christening?
B: were you asked about prick +1 staying?

If yes to A - did iWife respect your choice or not?
If yes to B - did iWife respect your feelings about prick?

If no to A or B or A+B then NO you are not being unreasonable and iWife has no right to moan (unless you're balls deep in her to keep her sweet)

just ask yourself "what would jesus do?" 😉

Tough one this, I'd roll over and put it with it. But at the same time I'd make it known that I'm banking some serious credits for the future.
I would hate the entire weekend, but would smile and chat through gritted teeth, safe in the knowledge that when I call upon said credys I'd be having the time of my life!

"Your wife just doesn’t want to have to answer questions about where Scruff is (ie lie). So you’re both being selfish. As someone who has an explicit policy of doing exactly what I want, I’d do the same."

A big part of it is this, I'm all for just saying "Mr Scruff? Nah, he couldn't make it -he's away sailing this weekend"

Mrs Scruff is more a what will they think of you / us if you don't go. I couldn't give a toss what they think.

I wasn't asked if it's be Ok for pal and partner to stay but I wouldn't of said no if she had, however I would of made it clear I wouldn't be around to entertain...

You should totally ask this same question on Mumsnet and see how you get on.

You should totally ask this same question on Mumsnet and see how you get on.

Twice?

As many times as it takes.

There is usually cake and catering at these events, worth it if you ask me.

As for putting up with matey, why not book all of you to go to the cinema so they can't talk for a few hours?

just ask yourself “what would jesus do?”

This^

You should totally ask this same question on Mumsnet and see how you get on.

and this^ (with a link)

Initially i would have said you are being a bit of a dick.
But as your OH didn't ask about the guests and you don't seem to have discussed attending before you were volunteered....maybe neither of you should go and you can sort out your communication problems instead 😀

You should totally ask this same question on Mumsnet and see how you get on.

It would be fun - can't decide if you should post it as if it was your wife writing or you....

Is the OP worried they're the first person to step foot into Church/Temple/Mosque/other who doesn't believe in Religion, they're somehow convince them to join up?

I mean, I'm all for avoiding social gatherings, but it seems a bit Dickish to me.

free food and booze.

get stuck in

If OP is doing a weekend of things that wifey would not be interested in doing, she gets to see her mate, you get to do things that might make you feel guilty if wifey was at home doing nothing... Win-win IMO.

Two wrongs don't make a right .... Grow up and go

You're probably have a good time and you'll get loads of brownie points.... fancy inviting people to stay over without discussing it first?? ... Milk it.

Have fun.

I wonder whether if the OP didn't want to go to a Christian event because he was a devout Muslim rather than 'only' an atheist you'd all still be lining up to call him names?

I wasn’t asked if it’s be Ok for pal and partner to stay but I wouldn’t of said no if she had, however I would of made it clear I wouldn’t be around to entertain…

Do you often run away when things make you uncomfortable?

Sounds like a single weekend where you have to (barely) put yourself out, I'm with the OH for this one

just ask yourself “what would jesus do?” 😉

I think jate and woodster have it.

From the tone of the way the question was written (it's a baby so it's hardly being indoctrinated FFS) you don't come across very well. Which then tends to lead to the answer that you are indeed being unreasonable.

The whole of life involves compromises. After all, how many of us, given a choice, would go to work every day? For 40 years? And relationships too involve compromise - anyone remember the various "It's Christmas..." threads? Doing your own thing all the time doesn't make for the healthiest of relationships long term either - if you are in one.

Quid pro quo.

She has to put up with "Lola" coming round for an evening of specially selected films followed by making up a jolly threesome outing to a "alternative" type of bar.

See how much mileage that gets.

You never know.

I wonder whether if the OP didn’t want to go to a Christian event because he was a devout Muslim rather than ‘only’ an atheist you’d all still be lining up to call him names?

Why would a Muslim not want to attend a Christening if he is friends with the parents? I fairly sure that apart from the Fundamentalists, this wouldn't be a problem. I would happily call him names for it.

The reasonable answer to this is that your wife asked you about your thoughts before accepting the invite and offering the spare room to people she presumably knows you don't much like? <span style="font-size: 0.8rem;">If that's what's happened then suck it up, if not then feel free to be as much of a dick about as you see fit. </span>

A caveat. Marriage is all about the compromise, you do know that, right?

You can't indoctrinate babies.

A relationship is often about compromise, but “compromise” isn’t losing your own sense of self and rolling over every time the other partner wants something.

But we don't know if that's what's happening here. If it's once in a blue moon, she says 'look this is important to me can you please be around?' then fine; then when he asks for something, she can give a bit back, and everyone's happily married for years. If she's steamrollering his wishes every weekend, that's different.

Even as an atheist I've been to countless church ceremonies for family and friends because family and friends. I'm even someone's Godfather. And you know what? I even enjoyed some of the services.

INRAT

I am much older than you lot I am sure but as an Atheist I always try to avoid any occasion with any religious element. Over the years I have come to realise it occasionally hurts people I care about who are often stuck in the middle and themselves trying to find a compromise. Everyone in our circle knows my thoughts and they in turn never try to involve me too much so there is a middle ground. Plus not one of my friends or family is really religious so any occasions are religious in name only and we all end up having a party anyway.
I would support your partner because she probably doesnt want to host this idiot either.

You're being very reasonable. This is not the middle ages. Religions and their dogma are for the naive. I have religious friends and they don't impose it on us but having to welcome a prick in my own house just because of a ceremony and having to attend said ceremony is ridiculous. I would ask your wife to respect your rights as a rational critical thinker who is considerate and open minded enough to avoid any risk of confrontation.

Assuming it’s a Christening you’re on about ...

I'd assumed it was FGM.

Get absolutely leathered at the christening do afterward, then tell everyone exactly what you think of them, stressing your contempt for their chosen religion.

Maybe punch a nun to stress the point?

I would ask your wife to respect your rights as a rational critical thinker

I don't know what your relationship with your wife's like but if I tried that one they'd be able to hear the guffaws from miles away. To be honest, I doubt I'd be able to get the words out with a straight face 😀

You should support your wife, its all part & parcel of the crap involved with choosing to be in a relationship.

☝️ This.

I have done it before by objecting to go to some events the consequences for relationship is no good.

nickfrog

Member

You’re being very reasonable. This is not the middle ages. Religions and their dogma are for the naive. I have religious friends and they don’t impose it on us but having to welcome a prick in my own house just because of a ceremony and having to attend said ceremony is ridiculous. I would ask your wife to respect your rights as a rational critical thinker who is considerate and open minded enough to avoid any risk of confrontation.

Would you be just as upset if it was a naming ceremony instead?

You should totally ask this same question on Mumsnet and see how you get on.

I believe one of their mantras is "it's an invite, not a summons" - don't ask me how I know that...

I'd probably want to do what you're doing in your situation, but I'd stick around for the weekend and go if my wife really wanted me to (probably to act as a buffer against tweedleprick). However, we rarely ask the other to do something they really don't want to do (and she knows I'm anti-social) so for me it depends on:

(a) what's the balance of "doing things you don't wanna do for your partner" in your relationship? If it's 50:50 or more in your favour you should just go.

(b) is it worth the fallout if you don't go?

Maybe you could negotiate a compromise, e.g. you bugger off on your bike on the Saturday and minimise Tweedleprick exposure but go along to the christening?

Ask yourself the same question - would you wife put up with friends that are known to be knobbers, if the answer is no, then there you have it. Compromise, as the dictionary will tell you works both ways.