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Wouldn't normally post something this personal but I'm really struggling.
Three weeks ago, our elder dog (11, boxer X spaniel) had a lump appear on his neck. After an inconclusive fine needle biopsy, a CT scan last week confirmed it as a massive tumour that extended into his chest cavity, and that there was no realistic treatment option.
We knew it would eventually press too much on his oesophagus, so made plans to have him PTS at home today. In the intervening days, he was still strong enough to play tug of war, run around daft, go to the beach, and pretty much carry on as normal with the help of strong painkillers.
Last night, his last night with us, whilst having his dinner (soft mush raw mince, as that was all he could eat by then), he suddenly went into respiratory distress. We had to rush him to an emergency vets and he ended up having to be PTS in the back of the car in their car park.
I can't shake the guilt and the feeling that right at the end, when he was supposed to go peacefully at home, I failed him in a way that I can never put right. We had his last day planned - he was going to go for as much of a walk as he could manage, come home, play with his toys a bit, then fall asleep on the sofa one final time. I wanted our last hours together to be peaceful and calm, because after 11 years of awesome, I owed him that.
I know that right at the end I was still there, comforting him and being there for him, but I can't get the images out of my head, and the feeling that I let him down by leaving it a day longer than I should have.
I'm not sure if there's anything anyone can say to make me feel less guilt, but it's eating me up and needed to get it out.
Also, if you have a pet (we still have our younger rescue dog who is mourning), go give them a hug right now and make sure they know how much you love them. After the last couple of posts regarding losing dogs, I made sure to do that every day.
Thanks for reading.
Ah man, sorry to read that. Can't say much else, but I'm sure having you with him was a reassurance, even though it didn't work out as planned.
Good to think over the good times when you can
I know that right at the end I was still there, comforting him and being there for him
That's all that counts.
You did OK.
It feels bad because of how much you loved him. If you didn't care, it wouldn't hurt.
You got the timing near perfect. Had you arranged for yesterday, you'd be beating yourself up wondering if you'd stolen time from him.
It ends badly, because it's come to an end. There's no way for it to end nicely.
You're not going to forget how you feel right now, but with time, you'll remember those 11 years of awesome more than yesterday.
This is the worst bit about having a dog but the rewards are so great that we end up doing it again and again
You did all you could. He was unwell and the disease didn't play ball but that's not your fault. He had all the good stuff on his last day which he wouldn't have if PTS earlier.
I still guilt about not taking ours to vet on his birthday even though I should have but he had a day of being loved and toasting in front of the fire.
Ah man, so sorry to hear this. As Footflaps says, you were with him,just you being there would have meant everything to your pup. That reassuring presence of you would have calmed him.
I lost my best mate last September. A Boxer Rotty. I still miss him, say good morning and good night to him everyday still (we have his ashes still, cannot part with them yet at his favourite walking spot).
Massive virtual hugs to you and your rescue dog.
It hits you hard, I don't think you did the wrong thing at all.
We had put to sleep both of our schnauzers within 8 months of each other. We also had a baby on the way, this all made it even more upsetting, we hoped both dogs could meet the baby but it wasn't to be, one went a couple of weeks after we found out about the baby and the older dog who was 16 went 10 days before my son was born, we were both in bits. My son arrived and of course everything changes then as time disappeares but I still cry a little from time to time, not ashamed to admit it. I won't even discuss another dog, as you always get "will you get another" from friends and family.
You had a plan, the circumstances changed and you changed the plan to do right by your dog. You did nothing wrong and everything right be kind to yourself and hug your rescue pup.
Have a man hug from me. Holding it all together while you see them out is the hardest job there is.
Nothing anyone says will make you feel better or get rid of that guilt. Two months ago said goodbye to my second dog in a similar health cancer situation and I still have guilt ten years later about my first dog. You did the right thing by him and the guilt that will stay with you makes you the perfect doggy parent, just sucks as well.
There's no good way for them to go - the hurt and loss you feel is like nothing else. Sounds like he had a great life and was loved to the end. Don't feel guilty for trying to do the best for him.
We lost our border terrier Angus in January. He was doing fine, he was 13, with no illnesses to speak of and was still pretty active. Then he had a seizure one day and within 2 days he didn't know where he was or what he was doing. The decision was easy in the end, but the suddenness completely shook us.
We were going to wait a while till we got another - then errr Frank turned up! He's also great but so, so different to our Border. Frank enjoying the view...
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I feel your pain. It’s one of life’s most difficult things but try to focus on all the great times you shared and the memories you will have for ever. Big hugs from the household Sandboy.
Always moving reading about people losing their dear friends.
You did the best thing by him, you had his best interests in mind. When you needed to change your plan - you did, rapidly.
I can’t find anything in what you did that you should blame yourself for. More importantly, I’m sure he would not blame you either.
Please go easy on yourself.
Sorry for your loss. We lost our family dog back at the beginning of March. He had a lump on his chest that had steadily been growing. We knew in advance when we were going to PTS, and tried to have the best day for him, but I still felt like a traitorous bastard when I took him in. However, looking back I can see it was for the best and he had a great life. There's never going to be a "perfect" time to PTS, because basically it's going to feel shit no matter when you do it. I try to focus on all the good, positive times we had and remember him fondly.
I don't have a dog (and never had) but threads like this make me sad 😔
Sounds like you gave your dog a fantastic life so don't be too hard on yourself.
Warning. The link below may make you cry.
Thank-you all for your replies - my OH and I have spent most of today looking through pics of Digby and sobbing our hearts out. The house feels so empty without him as he had such a huge personality, but we're trying to be strong as Elvis is missing his big brother. We tried to make sure he got to see Digby after he had passed away so that he could smell him, and try to wake him, to understand that he's gone - but when my OH went out to get some food earlier, when she came back he still got all excited as he thought she was bringing Digby home. Broke our hearts. He'll get a new, younger brother to look after soon enough though.
Here they are in happier times, Digby (departed, left) and Elvis (right).
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