[Closed] Rrelationship woes

Time to be a bit selfish and let her go I reckon.
You can't stay with someone because you feel sorry for their health issues. Take away her health problems & what would you do?

Its hard to imagine and Im not sure. I dont know if all the factors are just making me insecure or I am being blinkered by them and they arnt that bad. As a relationship its incredibly emotionally draining all the time. I just look to our potential future and think we are in for a hard life if we decide we want a house or kids. Physically shes the best she has been in 10 years due to her eating healthier and exercising, sticking to a sleep pattern and learning to slow down and not exhaust herself so quickly. Im looking to the future too much and cant seem to enjoy the present.

Life is too short to have that kind of shit! From the wise words of the Disney Film Frozen " let it go, let it go-o..la la la la la.."

And I always follow these words someone says iirc on a telly ages ago " if you are not part of a solution, you are a problem, and I have to go" .....i know life is helping and blah blah blah like that, but then again you can only help so much ... Even god helps only to those who are able to help themselves, ..read this somewhere, bible i guess.

Relationships are sometimes hard, but they should never be a constant struggle. As mentioned life is too short for that.

How much of the stress is money (debt) related? If her debts weren't there, how much better would things be?

And what is the likelihood that those debts will be paid off in a reasonable time? (Do your better career prospects help much?)

If the financial issues are causing most of the stress, and it doesn't seem possible to resolve them soon, then I doubt that your relationship will last.

 despite seeing my mates a little more it didnt fill a hole

Sounds like you were unhappy before you got back in the relationship. Learn to be happy on your own perhaps mate?

Also, I'd not want someone to stay with me because they felt sorry for me.

I love her but dont believe I am in love with her.

I think you have answered your own question here

In my experience, when you split once then the relationship is done. People rarely change. You both make an effort for a bit but it quickly returns to the way it was.

If its gone its gone. Move on.

Imagine someone else had posted this thread on STW and you'd just read the opening post. How would you reply? There is only one possible reply isn't there?

I think you gents are right. Money isnt a major problem but it would be nice to think that the other half could buy the drinks or on the other end of the scale, have savings to put into a house for example. The latest is her account has been hacked for a 3rd time and Ive had to whip the credit card out to pay for a wedding present and shoes. If it were me Id have changed my bank details or bank after the second time!

I bounced from relationship to relationship before her as I didnt feel settled living at home and being in a job I disliked.

Its just lots of factors. It will take years to get over her debt properly to a point it wont affect her or us and her health is as good as it will ever be and will get worse at some stage.

Thanks for the help, always a great response on here.

Learn to be happy on your own perhaps mate?

Wise words

crankboy I could have been the author of your post 15 to 20 years ago . I was trapped in a relationship which despite a number of apparent posatives had nothing good for me. My wife had physical and mental health issues and self harmed on a number of occasions. I stayed too long partly because I was worried about what she would do how she would cope without me.
Ultimately I left those who I thought would critisise me for leaving came out and said I had been a fool for not going earlier my family who I thought liked her were nothing other than supportive. My social life picked up . I became happily single and planned to slip into a disreputable bachelor's life for the rest of my days . I am now 10 years into a genuinely happy and rewarding relationship and a sickeningly happy husband and father.

You know the answer to your problem it will be hard but accept it and do it.

OP, tough times but I am also of the view that it's time to move on.

It will be tough, you'll miss her from time to time and you'll feel guilty. However based upon what you've posted you need to move on.

I left my relationship of 27 years which had been a "rolling trainsmash" for more years than I care to remember. We only get one crack at life and spending time in the wrong relationship isn't the best use of it.

Good luck.

Depends how hot she is.

Crankboy and Jambalaya, nice to see you both happier after. Haha, Loddrik, if she was a ten Id have no chance anyway! 😆

I would guess that her fibromyalgia and ME aren't well managed?

It is managed the best in years. Her doctor was seeing her every month but shes recently extended it to every 6 months as shes happy with how well she is doing. Her sleeping patterns are steady, diet is better and she dosent suffer the exhaustion or pain because she manages how much she does. However, she is now living on her own working part time on normal hours. Before, she was looking after 2 kids, one with Aspergers whilst working early hours 5 days a week for a cleaning company and continually struggling for money. Just down to her lifestyle change she has vastly improved but she is still in pain most evenings and sleeps most of the weekend although her medication is steady and her routine is improved.

OP if you said I love to her bits and I'm really happy with her except her health and money issues cause concern then I'd say shes a keeper/your right to look after her etc.

However (from limited info) - you aren't saying that. You aren't happy and are staying with her (partly) out of duty(?) over her illness.

Thats one thing you shouldn't do.

I guess the issue here is that you know what you [i]want[/i] to do. And for those of us sitting at the end of our remote keyboards it's pretty easy to tell you that it's time to go. It's kind of a selfish attitude because at the heart of it is the question of how happy am I. Can I really deal with all this and still be happy? Is this the full expression of my life lived to the full? And when the answer is no you want to bail out and go look for the "best". The problem with that is that life is not a breeze and we will all at some point hit a shitty patch. It's unfortunate for some that most of their life seems to be mired. Then, throw into this mix that sense of duty and respect and honour that we all seem to have to varying degrees and that's when a decision like this is hard. If we really didn't care about anyone but ourselves then this situation is a piece of cake - leave. And sometimes life will be harsh. It might be in this case that, lovely as she may be, you just don't have what it takes to give all of you to her and, long term, that's going to be sub optimal for you both. There may be someone out there that will be fulfilled by making her happy and being able to make that personal sacrifice. It's just not you, by the sounds of things. Maybe it is time to walk away now while you can do it with composure rather than a couple of years down the line when things may have brewed a bit further and it becomes more bitter and acrimonious. I can understand the dilemma though!

Thsts hit the nail on the head. I feel guilty for wanting a hassle free life. I guess I want the normal 2 kids, nice house and normal life and the idea of trying to manage her conditions whilst looking to get that doesnt appeal. Also there is nothing substantially 'wrong' with our relationship. We dont argue, we get on, there is physical attraction there and we are both very easy going. Time to bite the bullet.

I feel guilty for wanting a hassle free life.

Just a different take and by no means saying you are right or wrong for what you want and how you feel but if Mrs Danny and I went for the easy life we would not be together.

We have had so much shit thrown at us sometimes I cannot believe we are still together. I have suffered major illness, operations, depression and she has had a horrific time with her family and in particular her mum who she is having to watch slowly disintegrate before her eyes.

There have been times when we have both felt like chucking it in and we do even now.

Also there is nothing substantially 'wrong' with our relationship. We dont argue, we get on, there is physical attraction there and we are both very easy going.

Life can be hard, very hard. Are you genuinely going to be better off without her. It sounds you like you have the basis of a good relationship here. May need some tweaks here and there but is it broker?

Will life be any easier on your own, will you have the same feelings toward the next person you meet?

As I say I am not for one minute trying to preach or making out you shouldn't want something else but as an outsider looking is

I missed her immensely and despite seeing my mates a little more it didnt fill a hole.

Sounds to me like your situation has improved and now you feel you can do better. You want a 'normal' and 'hassle-free' life (good luck with that) and are trying to rationalise leaving her.

I would say the very least she deserves is not to be patronised and have you staying out of guilt. If you don't want to deal with her health issues any more then come clean and get out.

Other people you know might appear to have a 'hassle-free' life from the outside, but honestly, they're few and far between.

When I say 'hassle free life' what I mean is a 'normal' life (whatever that may be) Life is never straightforward however worrying continually about if I have to massage out her painful muscles or cancel plans because she has to sleep or, potentially in the future, I have to physically, emotionally and financially support her dosent seem my idea of a fulfilling relationship. Is it out of order to think that way?

I see it like rain. No one likes starting a ride in the rain but if it starts raining while you're out you just accept it. The point is I'm not happy with her or us and despite other major factors changing in my life (job, housing situation) which I thought could be contributing to what I am feeling nothing has changed.

dooge - Member

When I say 'hassle free life' what I mean is a 'normal' life (whatever that may be) Life is never straightforward however worrying continually about if I have to massage out her painful muscles or cancel plans because she has to sleep or, potentially in the future, I have to physically, emotionally and financially support her dosent seem my idea of a fulfilling relationship. Is it out of order to think that way?

I see it like rain. No one likes starting a ride in the rain but if it starts raining while you're out you just accept it. The point is I'm not happy with her or us and despite other major factors changing in my life (job, housing situation) which I thought could be contributing to what I am feeling nothing has changed.

Out of order... Slightly... it could easily be argued yes.

But.. it takes an exceptionally strong person to be a carer full time, which you're not a million steps away from. For someone young and independent to do that, is even more exceptional.

Personally, I'd walk away, but I'm not an exception person.

To use your analogy, I'm lucky, in my life, it never rains.. it's very rarely even a bit cloudy. But I am very lucky there.

I cnan understand your "meh ness" as i'm ther in a long winded grandpa simpson story roundabout way.

I had a freind where you were 18 months ago and told him that he shouldnt go along with the flow and not upset anyone else. It is however your life.. you shouldnt sacrifice your life to make somone else happy or not hurt them. I told him bluntly not to make the mistakes i had in "trying to make smoneone else happy doing the right things for the wrong reasons"

Speak to your GP and see if you vcna get some counseling or try talking to somone - relate or the samaritans. Dont make the mistake i mad of bottling it up and deling with it by being a prat and being angry and arsey.

18 months is a drop in the ocean in the long run. That you've already had a break, and regret getting back together, and now doubt the future it's probably time to go it alone.

Of course it's difficult, but the right decision. Besides, it will give you both the opportunity to be with the right person in the future.

Just keep swimming.

Thanks, its difficult to get perspective when friends are biased as she is in the group. What I meant to say is if I was with someone and something happened it would be different.

We get on because Im tolerant and patient. My mum also suffers with M.E. and similar conditions to my girlfriend so Ive lived with it and already looked after her which is possibly why I dont want to be doing it. Its not just the illness' though, lots of other little other reasons that hint this isnt right so I know what I am to do.

If she is or as hot as Kylie M. I would gladly embrace all hell and shitty things from her... Anything less, you can find me in Follow the Dog and Monkey Trail than deal that kind of shit... Always remember OP that in any relationship there is only one parachute on your way out, i maintain the habit of getting that parachute first.. Not being selfish ... Ok im lying i'm being selfish in a way, but hey ho it's your/ my life to deal with at the end of the day.

I am with Finbar here - life is really so hard for most 'normal ' couples . Add a bit of extra stress , illness , money woes , children issues etc on top of this and previously loving relationships can crack under the strain. Sometimes its NOT the other half that is the problem but these extra factors affecting the relationship.Most of us tend to just attack everything about the otherhalf first and how we feel about them - rather than actually doing anything to sort out these external factors and how we can manage these better. NO-ONE I know has a hassle free life and relationships are difficult but if you feel you have some love left - you owe it to them to talk about your feelings however difficult , go to counselling / relate etc before you throw in the towel! You just never know where these discussions will take you. But have it from me - I made a mistake many years ago which I regret and lost someone who I wish I was still married to because I blamed her for my unhappiness and everything in our marriage that wasnt right - but now I realise I was just unhappy with all the external stresses going into the mix! So before you throw it all away - talk talk talk and be open and honest. You never know where it may lead.....Good Luck