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Hello,
Only my 3rd post here. I'm not a dedicated biker I'm afraid. Invariably prefer my Walking boots. And if it's windy I'm still windsurfing after 34 years.
I retired from work August last year, 3 months before my 60th birthday. Fair to say I'd been looking forward to that! Bought myself a new van and was positive about the future. Lost my dad to cancer in March last and amongst the sorrow and difficulty of that was the, "you're not immortal" warning light flashing a lot brighter for me.
Sadly/annoyingly/miserably- I'm not really sure - I'm in the middle of my 8th night in hospital having had major surgery to remove a cancerous tumour. I won't go into the details here because I dont think I am looking for support or speculation about what the future may hold in relation to the disease. The surgical team reckon there's a good chance I've got a few Christmases yet and that will do for me currently.
I think I'm on here at 2 in the morning writing to strangers because selfishly it's maybe a help for me emotionally - I've shed some big self pitying tears in the last few weeks - and also, I'm a bit daunted by what to do next. Hopefully I'll be discharged by the end of the week.
Previously my loose plans were mainly about me and other half. She's 12 years younger than me and has been intending to work for another 6 or 7 years. Obvious thing would be for her to get out asap so we can get on with stuff together. We could manage this financially, just about. Thing is she likes her work and I'm not sure she would want to step out of it. So it maybe that she maximises her time off and we make sure we have great plans for it.
Anyway, that aside I'm wondering what else I could do. I think some of my enthusiasm for roaming the country in the van with boots, bike and boards may have dissipated. Some of the staff in the hospital here have qualities and attitudes that have me wondering if I've got something I could give to support people - wouldn't need to be health service. I've been trying to keep a positive face in my 6 bed hospital ward, and give an ear to some of the guys in the beds if they need it. Most seem ok to talk, most of us being frightened/scared/sad about where we are.
Been a bit of a reminder that I gave serious thought to junior school teacher training after a redundancy in my mid 40s. Had a strong suiting to it in a personality assessment and would have followed my mother who taught for 20 years and loved it. Didn't do it though, kept on with the crap I'd done before because money was so much better.
Thanks for reading and if you've got any experience that may help me with some direction it will be read with interest.
Finally and practically. When I got the tumour diagnosis I had a bit of a meltdown about inheritance tax and pensions....
We've got wills but we are not married, so if my time was coming soon I was beating myself up that my partner may be paying inheritance tax and also only have a conditional rather than automatic right to my most significant final salary pension. So may I suggest you have a think about those things if they might apply to you!
We do now in fact have a wedding planned!
I think many people never find a passion in life. I drone on to my lad about it sometimes. How important it is, he has to try and find his etc etc.
I'm blessed I think as I have a couple. Both very humble, nothing to shout out about.
You may well have found yours already or might have thoughts of reawakening a dormant one, who knows?
So I'll drone on again and say that I hope you have found yours or have an idea where to look.
If either of the above apply I reckon you have a good head start on most people out there.
I know from personal experience that hospital can be a truly horrendous place at times but it does tend to focus the mind on what really matters. A scary way of suddenly seeing things in painful HD. That in itself can be an incredible opportunity.
Anyway... All the best my friend. You're never the only one awake in the middle of the night even when it's at its darkest and most lonely.
Oh and huge congrats on the impending wedding!!
Poopscoop thanks. I can relate to hospital HD and focussing the mind. Exactly where I am, which is why I'm so keen to find some purpose when I get out.
Thanks re wedding too. Although she's been wanting to be married more than me, she was quite annoyed initially that I was now rushing it along for not quite romantic enough reasons!
I've much to say really, these things are tough. You do sound like you're going to make and keep some good plans.
If you're around Southern Highlands for a walk or ride, drop us a line.
**** cancer.
I think its natural that a major life changing situation like this causes you to re-evaluate things a lot.
However for me the prospect of retraining in something at 60 would not really fit - certainly for a major change in direction unless its something you can do very part time /volutary.
No one really knows how they would react in situations like this until they are in that situation however for me I think it would simply accelerate my retirement plans and I would want my other half to retire with me so we could go off and do all the things we have planned
If you wish to do the romantic wedding thing. A trip to Malcesine on Garda and marriage in the castle would do it! Worked well for my brother in law who's around 30 years older than his wife and needed to get married quickly (so he said).
All the best with kicking cancer to touch and the forthcoming wedding.
. I think some of my enthusiasm for roaming the country in the van with boots, bike and boards may have dissipated.
Do it and rekindle that enthusiasm. You owe it to earlier incarnations for yourself and once you do it you will enjoy it, or at least know you've had enough.
Also roaming can be be done in 4-5 day midweek trips, leaving the missus at home to carry on with her career.
Helping other people can be done (very) part time and informally.
Best of luck.
Good luck...... as above, even in the middle of the night there's someone on here who'll be happy just to listen. If you're unlucky, they'll argue back but even Drac and TJ need to sleep sometimes 😉
There used to be a bloke on here (it pains me to type that, I hope his spirit - both senses - still roams the forum) who was given 6 months and kicked it's arse time and again, up hill and down dale, sometimes even with a fridge in tow, for about ten years. If you've been given a chance of a few Christmases yet then don't waste them, lace up your boots, hoist up your household appliance and get on with it. Follow your dreams, if that includes voluntary work or whatever then do it. Marry your missus for the financial implications, but hug her and tell her you love her every day because even HMRC can't tax that and even if they could it'd be the best way to spend your pension. But don't crowd her, if she enjoys work, don't make her stop. There's 3 people in a relationship, you, her, and you both and you need to allow time for all three of you.
Where are you, I'm currently unemployed so have a bit of spare time, and also own a pair of boots if you want me to walk up to visit you and just chat. I'm not bringing a fridge though, maybe a cake.
I'm not thinking about retraining or a new career. Don't have time I want to give to that. Already spent 40 years doing what others paid me for. It's about whether there's anything that could give me or other people or things something else. So I'm aligned with TJ I think. Is that an unusual thing here...???
theotherjonv, thanks for your insight, spot on especially the relationship stuff.
And outofbreath you're right I should carry on with those travel plans. Just don't feel very much like doing anything on my own currently. Never bothered me before.
I'm in hampshire looking out over grey skies. At least I've got a window bed over the main entrance and I can see stuff happening outside.
It's a bit of a cliche but retirement can lead to you developing obsessive interests in new things. I saw it in my late father (winemaking) and FiL (porcelain restoration). I took early retirement 5 years ago and during that time became interested in an art movement that took me to Brum, Liverpool, Compton, Newcastle, Paris and London (and having thoughts about Delaware). This led me in to an interest in carving limewood, which currently occupies a lot of my time. And I still ride a bike.
As work (and hopefully disease) leaves your system you will find the energy and passion to pursue and do things that you hadn't previously thought of. Apropos of emotional support, this place can conjure up some amazingly insightful and helpful observations in addition to all sorts of offers of help.
Incidentally as someone who has enjoyed extensive travelling, I now find I have a really acute awareness of my immediate surroundings and can take great pleasure from walking down a street or being in a nearby field or forest. Travelling's not finished but it's all a blast. This is not a rehearsal, fill your boots!
Firstly, bad news but great attitude. Good luck!
I’m going to take a slightly different line on this - still from a point of respect and consideration, but biased by having a strong-minded wife myself. You say your wife is 12 years younger than you and unlikely to want to retire yet. I can well understand that. Despite your recent thoughts on immortality, your wife probably doesn’t see that same point for herself and may well want to retain her identity, rather than adopt yours through joining you in (very) early retirement. She may - and please don’t take offence at this - be wondering what happens to her when you’ve seen out the no doubt many Christmases you have left? I think your plan of maxing our her free time on joint experiences whilst she keeps working makes a lot of sense.
And yes, **** cancer.
I gave up work 17 years ago, Madame still works, but could work part time or even retire, but likes work. She's in Spain at present, it's quite nice only doing the washing up when I feel like it rather than immediately because if I don't she'll do it and reproach me for not doing it. Too much time together is too much. I have no idea how we'll handle it when she finally retires. One good friend felt "suffocated" by the relationship when his wife retired and that ended in divorce. Just keep on keeping on and take pleasure in simple things.
Had what is hopefully just a minor set back today. Still sent me plummeting though..
But thanks neilco BillMC and Edukator, more food for thought and good stuff which I can relate to.
It was a bit of a step for me to tell a bunch of strangers what's going on in my life in the first place tbh. Finger hovered over submit for a while...
But I'm glad I did, it's helping me through this stuff
Hi Dero
You made the right choice pressing the submit button - life can be a bastard at times but it becomes easier when shared.
How would you feel about giving something back to the community? Could you help out by volunteering a day or two a week at the local primary school, mentoring youths or helping out an environmental charity (it sounds like you appreciate the outdoors)? This could be super rewarding but also give you space to change down a gear.
Could your other half go part-time (3 or 4 day week)? That could give you both an opportunity to spend more time together but give her some balance in terms of pursuing her career (and having a reasonable income)
Best Woody
Not sure where you're based @dero but my dad was in a similar(ish) position to you a few years ago, though it sounds like your cancer is a lot worse than his was. Anyway, on a bit of a whim he decided to volunteer as a ranger on the North Yorkshire Moors, 'cos like you he loves a bit of a walk.
In the intervening couple of years he now hardly does any actual rangering - he now mostly leads work parties (ranging from kids who are struggling in mainstream education to what he terms the 'Hobbs' - mostly octogenarian ladies and gents who like to get out and to something useful. On one particularly eventful day he even combined the two!
So it might be worth looking into what voluntary opportunities there are close to you, and seeing where that can lead. He's more fulfilled and happy (not to mention busy) than he has been in years. And the nice thing is he can pick and choose when he wants to work - so if he wants a week away with my mum, it's not a problem.
Thank you to people for support, encouragement and suggestions today. All positive and valuable, even though I haven't acknowledged everyone by name. Might sleep better tonight.
Why does it need shit like this to happen though for me to realise how much I love my OH and to be reminded how selfless she is...??? More effort needed from me here! In fact there are things on both sides that we are already talking about which we could both do differently.
Location wise I'm in Hampshire btw, a few miles from the eastern end of the south downs way.
Sorry for a further post - being in hampshire I'm obviously at the western not eastern end of the south downs way....
I don’t have much to offer that people haven’t already said. I would emphasise a couple of things though:
- Don’t write-off the walking, wind-surfing or cycling plans just yet - you’re in the initial stages of recovery and things change
- There are many ways to help people. People often find the initial post-diagnosis very hard to deal with or helping out the vulnerable in the wider community - if you have the desire try a few things
Take care. Strength to you and yours and my best wishes for a full recovery.
Jay
When you are out, go to your local primary school and offer your services as a volunteer to hear children read and help out where you can. Al you need is a DRB check. First you are male, and primary schools are absolutely crying out for any male presence. Second, you’ve already considered teaching seriously. Thirdly, Classroom assistants have all the fun without the responsibility. And being free! The head will rip your arms off! Your partner enjoys her work, and work is a fulfilling way of taking one’s mind off things. If it becomes a chore for her, then look at options.
And congratulations on the engagement. Do it ASAP. My mother and stepfather married after 25 years together. The marriage lasted 14 days. It will make things MUCH easier for your family should the worst happen.
When you are out, go to your local primary school and offer your services as a volunteer to hear children read and help out where you can.
Good idea, my daughter's school do this.
Oh yeah, failed to mention both F and FiL were cancer survivors. Maybe it's the case that a little look over the edge sharpens the perceptions and joys. See it as a privilege. Also my OH works and I act as driver and bellboy, editor, bouncing board, cycling mate, pub date and we get on splendidly well. There's nothing like laughter in a relationship to help make it work and you can have that anywhere, and it comes free.
Five years into retirement (apart from a 6 months contract) and I feel gloriously unemployable and loving it.
TiRed, I like that suggestion thanks!
Didn't even know it was a thing.
The village primary school is just round the corner from us.
I'm 65, do a lot of windsurfing and cycling (MTB and road).
I don't thing retirement suits me. I guess the 40 years of Monday to Friday 9 to 5 has ingrained a work ethic into me. Mrs BigJohn, partner of 50 years has also retired.
I need the structure of some kind of work to discipline me. So I've taught myself to be a carpenter but if I was less fussy I could scratch a living as an odd-job man. I only like to work about 3 or 4 days a week, and try not to commit to specific days so when the forecast looks good I/we can nip off for a good bike ride, a half day blasting at Chasewater or West Kirby, nip off camping for a few days or even pop over to Tarifa.
Ironically because I do this bit of work I think I get out doing what I like a lot more than if I had nothing else to do. I've seen people younger than us succumb to the debilitating condition called daytime TV. And the bit of money I earn (which we don't really need) makes me feel OK about spending on toys and travel.
Mrs BigJohn keeps busy with her allotment and golf, I get a massive buzz out of my customers telling me how they love their new wardrobes, and keep inviting me back or referring me to their friends and I don't think we've ever been happier or more fulfilled.
Didn’t even know it was a thing.
It's huge now. They'll love you for it. If I retire early, I'm also considering Primary Teaching, to go with the odd consultancy role. Being with children will keep you feeling young.
dero - congratulations on the up and coming wedding. It seems that you are getting married for the right reasons, which is the way it should be.
As others have said I think the way forward is to volunteer. There are so many things you could do with children that combine your love of sports, also the outdoors.
Just get your strength back and don't rush into things as you need to take things a bit easier for a while. Then throw yourself into whats fulfilling for you, your new wife and the children you want to help out.
bunnyhop x
I was discharged from hospital yesterday after a 10 day stay.
Again, thank you so much for your comments, support and suggestions - I was very low and they helped me through a couple of tough nights. It's nice that strangers can do that for someone. And I think it reflects how genuine people's responses were.
I've a way to go to get back to fitness including potentially, several weeks of radiotherapy.
I'll come back later if I manage to make some progress with what I asked about above.
Thanks all.