You don't need to be an 'investor' to invest in Singletrack: 6 days left: 95% of target - Find out more
Resolve my moral dilemma
I/we are almost certain what we are going to do, but I thought I would give you fine folk a chance to confirm we are taking the right path, or to change our minds.
Fun facts for context:
* We've 2 kids 12 and 9
* My wife and I work full time. She works in a school, term time only position, so no real chance of booking something in term time.
* My sister is 2.5 hrs drive away from my parents and is also pregnant, due to give birth in July. She also has a clingy 2 year old. I am 1hr away. Far more difficult for my sister to provide support than for me.
* My parents have generally been extremely supportive of us. However we are very different people, my parents are insular and right wing wheras we are more outgoing and liberal. Has led to an undercurrent of friction (but not blazing rows) in the past.
Here's the scenario in chrolological order.
Back in October the wife and I decided to book a big family holiday for the Easter school holiday first 2 weeks of April 2019. Biggest holiday for years. Due to the amount of work we both do, we decided to push the boat out and book a quite expensive really, really nice 4* all inclusive. We've been finding the daily grind something we need to get away from and this was something to look forward to.
We even bought the kids some christmas presents to use on the holiday (snorkels, flippers, swimming trunks etc - lots of great snorkelling/diving at the resort).
Fast forward to Christmas and my dad complaining of sight issues, goes to see doctor in January, initially diagnosis probably a mild stroke.
Further investigation this week - aggressive brain tumour. Due to very poor prognosis for recovery my parents have decided not to treat. Estimated 2.5 months to live.
Gutted about my Dad obviously, not ashamed to say I have cried a lot. However there are also knock on implications leading to my dilemma:
This means that our holiday is booked for exactly when my mum and dad will -probably- need the most support.
Holiday was insured as soon as we bought it, so should be able to claim for refund if we do not go. However, if we DO go, then emergency repatriation costs won't be paid as we now have knowledge of Dad's condition.
What to do?
If we DO go
I won't be there to support my parents when they will -probably- need me most. Also how will this feel to them, us jetting off at this moment?
I am also unlikely to enjoy myself very much (worry, guilt) however my feelings are only of secondary importance and the wife and kids may be less affected
The worst case of any scenarios is my dad dying just after we have left, and we have to either wait it out or repatriate at our own cost. ££££££. That really would be an apalling situation.
If we DONT
We are missing out big time on all we had looked forward to for the past 5 months.
The beautiful irony is that thinking about the best times I had with my dad, it was when we did things together as a family. His death will cause us to miss out on new memories with our own family if we do not go.
There is a reasonably good chance that they actually don't really need us that much at the start of April, and we miss out on this trip for no benefit to my parents.
Maybe my Dad hangs on a lot longer than 2.5 months (I have a hunch he'll hang on a lot longer) and we spend all spring and into the summer in limbo, having missed a trip we could have taken.
Additionally, if I keep the holiday time back at work intending to use it later in the year, most of our friends are away on their own holidays in Easter. My MIL is also having a knee replacement at this time so her parents won't be up for doing anything around then to ease the burden of the holidays on my wife either.
The wife will be (understandably) climbing the walls after 2 weeks of boredom and dealing with fighting boys, when we could have been on a fantastic holiday. It's a melting pot for future resentment.
If we don't go then there is a slight mitigation that we could do something shorter, cheaper, and probably in the UK. But it will still be a mega disappointment.
So: WWSTWD ?
If I was your Dad I'd be telling you to go.
Saw my folks today and slightly, kind of, broached the issue. I have not let on how big a holiday / dilemma it is, as they have their own shizzle to worry about and I'm avoiding adding to that. To claim on the insurance we need them to get the GP to fill out a document.
Anyway, I was half expecting them to say what you said - i.e. 'GO' but they didn't. All they said was 'are you sure' ? It's a nuanced difference, but I think this is their way of saying that they would prefer me to be around.
Sorry should have put that int he story really.
If I was your Dad I’d be telling you to go.
This +1
There will be plenty more opportunities to go on nice holidays.
Spend the time with your parents, you've plenty of time to take the holiday when you'll be able to actually enjoy it without guilt or grief
I would claim on the insurance and have the holiday another time. To put it bluntly, holidays will still be there in a year. Your dad probably won’t be (from what you’ve said)
Its not really your Dad that will be needing the support but your Mum, and even if he doesn't die right then he will be ill and your mum will be needing you. More than you need a holiday I would think.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, and sorry for what your whole family is going through.
sorry about your Dad, but there is no dilemma here - cancel your holiday, you will need to support your mum whether he is still alive or not by then. Maybe look at taking your mum away with you later in the year.
Thanks everyone for reading, please keep the opinions coming!
Know what you mean about my mum. Definitely as worried for her (or maybe more worried) than I am for my dad.
Don't go. Spend time making more memories with your parents.
No dilemma. Cancel. Be there for them.
How is this even a question?.
Thanks everyone for reading, please keep the opinions coming!
Know what you mean about my mum. Definitely as worried for her (or maybe more worried) than I am for my dad.
This post makes it sound like you want more people to say... go on holiday, nothing to see here.
We are missing out big time on all we had looked forward to for the past 5 months.
The beautiful irony is that thinking about the best times I had with my dad, it was when we did things together as a family. His death will cause us to miss out on new memories with our own family if we do not go.
There is a reasonably good chance that they actually don’t really need us that much at the start of April, and we miss out on this trip for no benefit to my parents.
Maybe my Dad hangs on a lot longer than 2.5 months (I have a hunch he’ll hang on a lot longer) and we spend all spring and into the summer in limbo, having missed a trip we could have taken.
Additionally, if I keep the holiday time back at work intending to use it later in the year, most of our friends are away on their own holidays in Easter. My MIL is also having a knee replacement at this time so her parents won’t be up for doing anything around then to ease the burden of the holidays on my wife either.
The wife will be (understandably) climbing the walls after 2 weeks of boredom and dealing with fighting boys, when we could have been on a fantastic holiday. It’s a melting pot for future resentment.
Wow, you're either a troll or a terribly self centered person/son.
My Dad was diagnosed with AML back in February 2018 and his prognosis was 6-12 weeks. Parents cancelled their Norwegian cruise as they didn't feel they could go due to that time frame. Lost all monies due to an 'unforseen illness clause' in their insurance.. however as of right now, hes still alive.
So, I'd be advising your insurer, prepping your wife, kids and family that you might not be going but certainly wouldn't be cancelling anything just yet - does it make any difference if you cancel now or later if you do it through insurance, but if you are inside your cxl period for the travel agent then you might get 50% from them, the rest from insurance?
I think there's more scope for future family resentment if you scrap the whole plan right now and he ends up ticking along or even departing early.
Wow, you’re either a troll or a terribly self centered person/son.
No need for that in this scenario.
I read your post but haven't read the replies ...don't go .
I was brought up by my grandparents until the age of six ..so very close ..I missed seeing both of them by hours before they died .
My mother had all kinds of medical complications and died relatively young aged 69 ..again I got a call from work to say she was in hospital and she died while I was on the way there ..
I still have huge regrets to this day that I never was there for them ..
Family first ..always .
Everything else can wait ...
The last few months of my dad's life were really rough.
Between my brother and I one of us was pretty much camped out there the whole time just to help with care.
Those few lucid moments in that time will forever be precious to me. We didn't agree about a lot, but he was a good man and that's what shone through.
I believe there are a couple of ways of looking at this:
If you go, I can guarantee you’ll be always thinking about your parents and not enjoying your holiday. You’ll probably call them a few times, they’ll sound like they need a hand and there’s absolutely nothing (within reason) you can do until your flight home). In the mean time all you can do is sit and worry.
You can always rebook the holiday. Can’t always do that with parents, unfortunately.
Worst case, you’re in the dog house got a couple of days/weeks till you book the replacement holiday.....or you go away for the weekend to somewhere like centre parks, to keep everyone happy until you go on your full holiday.
Agree with the no dilemma, cancel and support (mainly your mum).
Third option you stay at home whilst your wife and kids go on the holiday. Whether you go or not could be left to a few days before the holiday - if you do not go you would lose your part of the holiday cost.
I did this ten years when my mum was dying from cancer. The circumstances were a bit different from the OP's though as the holiday was with my wifes extended family so she was not on her own with two kids.
You can’t cancel a holiday via insurance because your Dad might be ill.
Unfortunately you will need to wait until nearer the time of the holiday and see what circumstances it brings then.
The one thing you can’t do with illness / end of life is plan, because you don’t know what will happen.
This
If you go, I can guarantee you’ll be always thinking about your parents and not enjoying your holiday. You’ll probably call them a few times, they’ll sound like they need a hand and there’s absolutely nothing (within reason) you can do until your flight home). In the mean time all you can do is sit and worry.
...and this
Agree with the no dilemma, cancel and support (mainly your mum).
(in chronologically posted order)
First thing - are you sure this sort of thing falls under the terms of cancelling a holiday?
Second thing - if yes, then maybe there's no need to cancel until (for instance) a week or even a few days before the holiday? Let the family know it might happen and then wait and see if it's actually necessary?
It's untidy and not the way anyone would want a holiday or the passing of a parent to go, but as we know - life isn't always neat and tidy.
Personally - I have learned (I'm quite old) that sometimes "The Universe" is trying to tell you something and it's usually best to listen . . .
Not a nice situation, but I'd cancel and look do do stuff local in the holidays including your Mam and Dad as much as they are able, even if its just nice meals or a cafe. I lost my Dad (unexpectedly), and 22 years later still have regrets about things I wish we'd cleared up. One of the biggest being that the only time I remember telling him I loved him was when he'd gone.
Whizz bang holiday another time, I know my wife wouldn't resent that and neither would I if it was the other way around.
My dad died last month, so quite fresh with me.
I’d cancel, not even a question.
How about the family go without you ?
You are then free to spend some quality time with your folks and fit some quality you time in there as well.
Edit. Mrs zips dad died as we were pulling into the airport Carpark. Posh hotel in Barbados and first class seats.
We turned around and went home.
Obviously we all approach these things differently, but IMO you are far more likely to massively regret not being there for your mum and dad at this point than you are missing out on a holiday.
How much will you enjoy it if you are constantly thinking about what's going on back home? Chances are you will need the same holiday more in six months' time.
Best wishes, won't be easy for you, come back on here for support if you need it.
As someone who’s dad passed away very recently, I’m glad I spent his last 3 days by his side. He was unconscious through but I know I’d be feeling differently if that was otherwise.
That said, I didn’t have a once in a lifetime holiday booked! But I suspect if things go wrong when you’re away, your holiday might not be nearly as enjoyable as planned and it’ll be a bad memory.
There isn't a right or a wrong here and everyone has a different relationship with their folks (to all those who have great relationships with their parents, I really am very happy for you).
Personally, I would look at the cancellation clause of the insurance and wait a little while to see how your Dad and Mam are doing, are they coping ? is your Dad deteriorating ? and then make a decision.
I didn't fly home from the ski season when my Dad died recently but I did come back for the funeral to support my brother and his family and say goodbye to him.
The chances are whatever you do you will feel guilty, if you stay and miss the trip you'll feel guilty about everyone missing a great holiday and if you go you'll worry and feel guilty about your parents. It is a crap situation to be in.
If I was your dad, I'd be telling you to go (I hate people fussing over me); if I was you, I'd be cancelling holiday as family comes first.
That is based on me though and my own experiences.
Not even a dilema. Cancel and be there for your parents.
Cancel. It's just a 2 week package holiday. Go next year.
As others have said, cancel the holiday.
It is only a holiday and the kids are young enough to do it all next year.
Although you may not get on perfectly with your folks, you said that you'd be a little on edge going with the knowledge that something could happen.
This alone will likely spoil the holiday for you and your family, so it isn't going to be the holiday of dreams anyway.
You only have one dad and he'll only die once; it would be a shame to miss it.
Sorry for the flippant and insensitive way that sounds.
Cancel the big trip abroad whilst you can, book something for the same time on these shores and take your mum & dad with you. A proper family holiday at the seaside. It may make things easier for them too.
One of my worst childhood memories was being on day 2 of a holiday in Brittany when we got the message my father’s mother was gravely ill. Packing up and driving back to Manchester overnight (pre tunnel or m25). We got so close to being killed when my dad reacted slowly to hgv being in the wrong place. Thinking about it now I can’t imagine what it must have been like to be in my dad’s position knowing his mother was dying (complicated by his sister who had lost her husband out of the blue only 2 weeks previously in his 30s being the only person there to provide support until he got there) desperately tired but driven to try and get back. Sitting in the back of the car watching him and the emotions going across his face is a memory that will stay with me.
Don’t go. Be there for your mum and dad. Sent your family off on the holiday if it takes the pressure off you. Hope it goes as well as it can.
scotroutes
Member
If I was your Dad I’d be telling you to go.
So would I. But if I was your “wife” I’d be telling you no way!
I lost both my grandfather's a few years ago and I delayed the opportunity to go and visit them; I missed visiting one of them by 3 days. Those are my 2 true regrets, especially as we are a close family.
Don't try and use the holiday to escape from reality as you'll feel doubly guilty, once for not being there for your parents (even if your Dad hangs on) and once for trying to escape it.
Are you able to re-book the holiday for the summer so you can still go this year? You'll earn more money, you don't get second parents.
The thing about life is that you never know how you are going to feel until you get there.
You might think this holiday is important but really it isn't.
To illustrate I offer a contrasting scenario with reflective results.
My mother (parents long divorced) was a disturbed person who made mine and my siblings lives a misery.
She desperately tried to inveigle her way into your life and then destroy it from the inside.
In latter years my strategy involved seeing her on my terms, once month, paying off whatever bill she presented, taking her out for dinner and having a "lovely" time. She hated it because she could exercise zero control over me. I really did not have any feelings for her and really only had any relationship with her out of a sense of duty.
She had cancer several times and was in remission when my partner and I decided on a RTW trip for a year before we started on making babies.
We had discussion about what we would do if mother got ill again whilst we were away and I surmised that she would probably survive until we got back and if not, well tough shit.
About 7 months in to our trip, we were in India, I got the surprise email that she was in hospital, dying from cancer and would likely only last a few days. My sisters pleaded for me to come back. It turns out that she was ill before we left but the rest of my family kept it from us as they knew how important our trip was, we had been saving for 10 years.
I had a huge urge to go home. I saw her on her hospital bed weak and dying of pneumonia. She half heartedly tried to apologise to me for a multitude of things but I shushed her, I felt that many of her previous horrific actions seemed meaningless in the light of her current state. She was surrounded by her big family and died 24 hrs after I got back.
At the funeral I didn't cry and felt pretty neutral. Now 15 years later I can truly say a few facts:
1) I don't think I could have forgiven myself if I had not seen her
2) More importantly I was there with the rest of my family, we all rely on each other in so many ways, some are stronger than others, some are richer than others, some are kinder than others (its a big fam). They wanted me there.
3) I don't miss her in the slightest and do not think I ever really loved her.
TLDR: My advice to you is that even me, as a cold hearted scumbag who never loved his evil Mum needed to see her at the end, for her sake, for my sake and for my families sake.
You will regret it bitterly. Claim the insurance and plan a new trip after you have been able to see your Dad at peace.
Member
scotroutes
Member
If I was your Dad I’d be telling you to go.
So would I. But if I was your “wife” ...
#strangestboner
My brother in law was diagnosed with terminal cancer in July 2016 and wasn't expected to see Xmas that year. He's still with us and doing fine.
Are you able to re-book the holiday for the summer so you can still go this year?
The thing is though that these prognoses are not an exact science.
I have lost 3 friends to brain tumours over the years. All were given less than six months; one survived about 2 weeks, one about 18 months and one about 3 years (albeit being in a care home for 1 of those years).
It's that uncertainty that makes it such a dilemma for el_boufador.
Ask holiday company for a re-booking for August? or
Ask holiday company for a re-booking for Oct half term?
I don't know what else to suggest , having done the rushing to hospital thing its not nice
I think you need to be in the country for the next 3 months, support your mum , dealing with all the end of life neccessaties .
Please ensure you have LPA, Will all sorted by now?
No dilemma. Don’t go.
For me personally, I wouldn’t have any second thoughts on that decision.
Having been there for deaths, away for deaths (and funerals) and cancelled plans for nothing to end up happening I can understand your dilemma.
One way to see it is life cannot go on hold because something bad might happen. If you spend time up to the holiday having fun and being on good terms that will be the last memory.
If you are away and it all goes south that is not a fun time and thinking about what is happening back home can also ruin your time away.
Another way to look at it is you will need time should anything happen so if you burn all your vacation you can come unstuck.
You are insured so can wait somewhat but eventually it will all come to a head
Sorry for short reply last night.
The last few months of my Dad's life was very tough, but I have no doubt whatsoever that using all my holiday time, and some unpaid leave, to be there for him, and more importantly my mum, near and after the end, was the right thing to do. I am sure that acting differently would have had me filled with regret for some time to come.
As it happens, cancelling an Easter break abroad now with a valid reason, before others start trying to do so with dubious excuses, would be wise. Get it done. Next month could see lots of people looking for get out clauses as regards expensive trips abroad at the start of April.
Like others have said, I doubt that you'd enjoy the holiday if you went, you'd be there in person, but possibly not in spirit. Your mum will need a lot of support when your dad does go. I know that after my dad died, the sheer amount of stuff that needs arranging and sorting after someone dies (tax form after tax form for instance), especially at an already stressful and upsetting time, can be overwhelming. I'd delay the holiday until after everything was sorted, you were settled and over the worst of the grieving process and then really push the boat out.
My mum's elderly neighbour died yesterday. His daughters live at the other end of the country. I discovered that he'd died and had to break the news to his kids. I know from talking to them that they're feeling guilty that they weren't there when he died. You'll only get the one chance to do this for your parents, you might regret going away if he does go whilst you're away.
Thanks for the responses everyone. (Well almost everyone!). This really helps to confirm we are making the right considerations - we have discussed most of the above options and scenarios over the last day or two.
So long as further conversations with insurance go as expected we'll be cancelling.
Appreciate this, everyone.
Anyway had a great day up with them today in the sunshine in their garden, have to make the most of these now.
Can't believe the op is even contemplating leaving his folks to deal with those alone....
My mum was rushed into Bart's beginning of 2017. I dropped everything and spent the last year of her life trying to make it better /bearable. Took a mauve financial hit, but I've only one mum.
If you're not there when your old man takes his last breath, you'll regret it.
Remember the time the medics have given you is very much only an informed guess. It could be a lot shorter or longer
I have seen people in this situation many times. Some have taken the holiday and some cancelled. One family delayed their holiday three months in a similar situation and still had to cancel as their parents disease progressed more slowly
There is no one right answer. Every situation is different. Be very sure that whatever you decide it's a decision that you take for the right reasons and that you are content with it
I'm in the don't cancel camp.
If I could cancel at minimum cost I would. Thinking what if is not nice, going away full of worry would not be fun.
Having said that when my old man was diagnosed with a brain tumour we were all booked to go to see my uncle is US, mum and dad couldnt go, we went but for a shorter time. He wasnt expected to die in that time though...and he hung on for almost year more.
To everyone who is making a judgement on me even asking the question (judge away - I don't really care!):
Have you ever been in this situation, or a situation where a decision you make will negatively affect the welfare of people you love, whichever option you choose?
I am patently not making this decision for me, in my favour!
How much will you enjoy it if you are constantly thinking about what’s going on back home? Chances are you will need the same holiday more in six months’ time.
Yes, but who's to say he'd get that holiday in six months time.
if the OP knew that his dad was going to die I precisely 2.5 months time then I compleyely agree that he shouldn't go. Bit that's not the case. His dad may well be around for many many months. And much of that time is likely to be very stressful, and you may be best going into that with a bit of peaceful holiday time under your belt
It all depends on your relationship with your parents. It sounds like you’d be best served cancelling, but only you can make that decision.
There is no one right answer. Every situation is different. Be very sure that whatever you decide it’s a decision that you take for the right reasons and that you are content with it
Totally agree with Tj. Go with your instinct not the opinions off here. Thinking back to my parents they would have been very upset if I'd cancelled such a hard earned holiday because they might or might not have died whilst I was away.
I am patently not making this decision for me, in my favour!
Maybe you should?
What makes this so hard I think is the exceptional situation where we are making a decision against our kids' best interests and in favour of my parents. In any other situation it would always fall the other way.
we are making a decision against our kids’ best interests
. . . but you're teaching them an important lesson on what's really important in this life.
Cancel holiday if possible or swap to next year if not. See how things are at Easter and have some epic days out / a last minute holiday.
Yes that is true, and it helps. Thanks
That was to Esme... Ctk yea that's how I see it going. Just going to have to wing it through other hols this year. I'm hopeful we can get abroad late summer or in the autumn half term. Before then it's probably wishful thinking.
How many dad's have you got?
Nice that you seem to consider his political views impact on you level of care though. Classy, but typical STW.
There's a load of people on this thread saying "family first, don't go"
The OP has a wife and kids to think of here. Things aren't always that clear cut.
Zanelad. Did you read the post? The ****ing irony of what you wrote is ****ing astonishing.
Yep they are both family.
And to zanelad I know you are trolling however it is kind of a relevant point. I put the comment on their general personality and outlook in there for context.
There have been moments when my parents have acted like bellends in the past and it has taken all our strength not to fall out with them (they probably think the same!)
I think the strength of your relationship does of course impact on this decision. If they had been genuinely evil bastards (they are nowhere near!) Then I would be going with a clear conscious.
Can't really see how the sides of the argument come any where near close though Mr General.
Irrespective of the points, one side of the argument is going to result in the loss of a parent and a potential collapse of the other. The other side of the fence has two kids and a wife a bit disgruntled because they postpone a holiday they can take again later.
Rather one sided I'd say.
Can understand siding (if that's the right term) with immediate family over parents in 99% of situations, and as a dad of grown kids I'd expect nothing less but, in situations like this one it is a lot different.
Yep twonks. I don't disagree with what you said, but my other thought is that he has no idea how long his dad will actually last. He could hopefully be there for months.
My FIL had a heart attack 3 years ago and so my wife dashed off to be with him.
She...
Sorry. Too much info
Best of luck OP
Ok here's one selfish thing I have realised and am going to say: canceling this holiday does make it easier for us to live with ourselves if we do some shorter uk breaks should the illness drag on.
If we took a big holiday on a big risk, then I think it would be reasonable for my parents to expect us not to go away again to cause more stress.
I think it is unreasonable for my parents to expect us not to be away at all (if only a few days) until my dad passes.
Ps I would be looking to make sure other support was there in those short break circumstances
Twonks - I have helped people in this situation many times - its not nearly as clear cut as you think it is. YOu do not know how long he will be here for. so the family cancel this holiday - and the dad lives another year - can they not have a holiday in this time?
I'll tell a tale of someone I looked after. Patient came into my care with a few days to live. Full end of life care. She instead improved, regained consciousness and stopped needed the painkillers but still terminally ill. 3 months later she was still there and one son took his holiday that he had postponed from earlier in the year when she first was admitted to us. She declined again while he was away She died the day after he came back from holiday.
As I said - there is no clear answer to this one. There is no right or wrong. There is only what the people involved feel is best. the key thing is to make the decision for the right reasons and be content with that decision.
OP - If you want to talk this thru with me then PM me. I will not be able to reply immediately tho
Sorry if my reply was a little curt earlier.
I came within hours of losing my mum to a subdural hematoma this week and seeing my family drop everything to be there for her brought home what is important. Mercifully the old dear is now staggering round LGI making inappropriate comments again, but earlier this week she was on her way out.
Thanks TJ, really appreciate the offer. I am ok, long talks with the missus, seeing my parents (on top form as it happens) this weekend, and this thread have all really helped. I'm also content for other people's opinions /approaches to differ from my own. As you say, every situation is different.
For what its worth I'd take the holiday probably
I realise it for sure TJ, as I lost my sister to cancer at 32 (13 years ago) and my dad in an accident that nobody saw coming a couple of years ago. One was a situation I knew was happening and one very much out of the blue and a hell of a shock. Both crap 🙁
There's clearly not a perfect answer for any of it as life and death isn't anywhere near as predictable as time.
Still, all our thoughts and opinions are out there to hopefully help the OP with his decisions.
My Dad died last weekend and I was fortunate to be able to be there to say goodbye and support my mum.
I reckon one reason I feel 'relatively' ok right now is that I was there for him at the end and I now have no regrets.
If I had missed that weekend for whatever reason, I know it would play on my mind for many years to come.
TJ is correct on this and there is no right or wrong.
My dad died from cancer in his own bed in our family home - mum brother and me under the same roof. He was ill for six months from diagnosis, the last month or so bedridden. The last week or so unconscious. We knew he was going to die, just not when or how. I used to go to work everyday and then come home in the evening, have a chat etc. Eventually there was no more chat and then one day I got a call at work to say it was over. It could have happened much quicker, or much slower. There was no program. No bedside vigil. But at the same time we still tried to lead our lives as normal as possible, and carry on regardless. When he died it was a massive relief for us three, for friends and relatives a massive shock and sadness. We had been living with sadness and death for six months and now it was gone. For them it had arrived.
For my dad and us it was important to spend time together when he still had some quality of life, could go out and enjoy old haunts and fresh air. Say things that needed saying.
Ultimately it's an awful time to go through, don't beat yourself up thinking you could have done it better or different.
If your holiday company is run by people with empathy ask to defer the booking and explain why. There will be a re-booking fee and possibly a charge to cover any changes in currency values and accommodation rates. You will need to go on the holiday at the revised date though. (This may be a problem if your father dies a month before the revised date, cancer prognosis is not an exact science).
Good luck and may your god go with you.
There's a lot of time in life for regrets.
So what will you regret more, not being there to support your father in his last days, and your mother after, or a missed holiday?
Which will burn the more?
I'm not going to post details of my personal life.... but me, i say go on the holiday... Enjoy it.
I’ve been at the bediside of my dying sister and then my mother shortly after. I found it pretty over-rated if I’m honest. We all had very close relationships, spoke often and shared everything. In the same circumstances, my mother would have insisted I go on holiday. Time of death is very uncertain, except for things like liver failure (two weeks). I’d be close to them before going, but still go. Your parents would want you to care for your own family. That’s what my mother told me.
You might have regrets, that would be natural. On the day my mother did die, I’d been staying with my other sister for two weeks locally. I took her boys out cycling along a river for a picnic. Then headed to see my mother. She dies whilst we were with her just after I arrived. If I had not been here it would not have worried me or her and I’d still be remembering the bike ride with fondness. Enjoy them whilst they are with you.
where we are making a decision against our kids’ best interests
It really isn't. The disappointment over a delayed holiday will be transient, the value of you demonstrating the importance of prioritising even a sometimes fraught relationship with your dad will serve them well, and may even be repaid in full at some point down the track.