[Closed] Remarrying after being widowed

Whenever feels right surely.

Guess you'll never know till it happens to you. No set rules, really.

I imagine for everyone that remarries in a couple of years, there is an equal amount that don't.

Yes it's a sensitive subject. A good mate of mine died and his wife was with someone else within a few months, it has never sat easily with me. The alternative argument is that the person is gone and whilst their memory lives on its time for those still around to move on. Re-marrying shows that the experience must have been a good one so it can be seen as an endorsement of the earlier relationship. Impossible to generalise I think.

A friend of mine lost his wife to cancer about 3 years ago, aged late thirties, three boys under 10. He remarried a couple of weeks ago. Never went looking for it, just happened to meet his new wife on a work trip, and there they are. There's no right or wrong, everyone and every situation is different, plus you never know what's around the corner.

Theres no time limit. I'd say most people fall in love when they least expect it.

Would you want someone you loved to reject the chance to be happy, and remain lonely instead, out of some misguided mark of respect? Or to have a chance to live out their life happy and fulfilled?

If you loved them, you'd want the latter

My cousin died of MND a couple of years ago, her husband had remarried within 18 months.
It seemed pretty soon to me but I guess he had had a long time to come to terms with her illness and subsequent passing.
Can't judge till you've been faced with the same situation I guess 🙁

I hope I'm never in that position

I hope I'm never in the position where I make decisions based on other peoples expectations instead of my own needs.

Meaningful relationships happen when they happen, not when you think you're ready for them or when anyone else thinks they're appropriate

I can't help thinking that it seems really soon

I didn't think you were bothered about excessive speed 😉

Don't see why people should remain lonely for appearances sake; there's plenty of people unfaithful to living partners

'til death do us part, then move on with your life, unless you feel your loving wife would prefer you to be miserable after she's gone.

^ back of the net boardinbob

up to the parties concerned.

Having seen the stats on elderly people and loneliness (and seeing my dad who is now alone after 53 years) my personal opinion is good for them.

I can also assure you my position on a few things has changed since seeing my parents get older and experiencing death, alzheimers and the general frailty, health etc complications that tend to come along.

[i]I can't help thinking[/i]

Why you are listening to 5Live...

But then you are a Cabbie 🙂

I think it depends how long the bereaved has to get over it. A couple of people I know have lost partners after long illnesses and have been with someone else quite soon, I guess if you come to terms with it, maybe have the "I want you to be happy after I'm gone" conversation before tbey die, you move on with life quicker than a sudden unexpected loss.

I suppose it matters how they died too. And if the body was ever found

[img] [/img]

Depends if you shot her 4 times through a toilet door or not! Old bouncy feet has got himself a new partner according to the news. He must be inconsolable in his grief.

A friends mother married the vicar who did her husbands funeral service.

Depends how strong the relationship was and what that person meant to them.

I know girls that'll jump straight onto match/POF etc within the week of a breakup and be sleeping with someone on the first date. I imagine those types wouldn't grieve for that long. Well they 'deserve to move on'.

Then there are others who lose the person who was their soulmate.

I like to think mrshora would have me stuffed with a bible in hand to be placed in the corner of the bedroom.

Either that or she becomes a Nun. To be honest though I'd prefer that she was buried with me along with my DVD's, alcohol and chariot for the afterlife.

Maybe you could do the Viking longboat thing where they push her out to sea, with your body and all your possessions, in a burning floating pyre?

*makes note to specifically request this in my will*

If you have children what do you do about your dead partner's family? You can't just cut them out.

But then you have to put up with 2 sets of in-laws at Christmas.

5thElefant - Member
A friends mother married the vicar who did her husbands funeral service.
POSTED 1 MINUTE AGO # REPORT-POST

Wow, so he took advantage of a vunerable woman possibly?

I didn't think you were bothered about excessive speed

Boosh!

I don't think you can really generalise on this one - as above, if the partner/spouse died after a long illness, I think the grieving starts before the person has died, as well as the fact that the one who dies may not want the survivor to be lonely. Before my mother died, she had several conversations with me, and I suspect my father, about the fact that she wanted him to find someone else and not sit around moping on his own. He's now at the start of a relationship with a very old friend of his whose husband had died a couple of years before my mother did, and is happier than he had been since my mother was diagnosed, so I'm all for it - he's got an interest in life again, is out doing things, and there is someone in his life who might be able to convince him he's being stupid if necessary (he's not the kind of person who really takes advice from his children, because they are too young to know anything!)

TBH- when someone close has died, you'd always be in their thoughts and heart. Grieving continues long after death.

I remember seeing birthday balloons tied to a lampost. Kinda speaks for itself no?

You'll always be in her heart. Sadly someone else will be ontop of her in your old bed though 😯

However you happen to find yourself single there is a primal urge that drives everyone to find a partner. It's to do with those bits between your legs.

Wow, so he took advantage of a vunerable woman possibly?

My old dear met her present husband at his wife's funeral..

I say met, they'd actually met in their late teens, early 20s as he'd known my dad but the funeral was the first time they'd seen each other in many years..

To be fair, they didn't marry for about 7 years after the funeral, but they were definitely bunking up within a year.. He's a vegan though, and looks like Captain Birdseye, need I say more?

The saucy old seadog. Did he have fishfingers?

If I died first, I would want my husband to find a new partner as soon as possible. Loving someone is about wanting them to be happy.

Life goes on. I've got a chum who lost his childhood sweetheart to cancer. And now he has a new lady and they are so much in love. (I also suspect he was instructed to find a new lady by his wife or else!)

On a serious note. Agree. I've told mrshora's sister in private that if I was to die my partner could chose what to do and when and I'd be happy with that. Why should someone sit miserable for the rest of their life? What a horrible selfish thought if you thought otherwise. You've got bigger worries- i.e. death and if theres something after it on your plate.

Depends how strong the relationship was and what that person meant to them.

Offensive, simplistic bollox!

(EDIT: Just seen Hora's subsequent post, which makes more sense, but my reaction to original statement remains)

Mrs mW is terminally ill and while she is alive I will do everything I can to make her remaining time with me as happy, comfortable and fulfilling as it can possibly be. When she dies I don't honestly know how hard it will hit me or for how long I will feel governed by that grief. I have a suspicion that due to the length of the illness and the fact that i seemed to spend a long time coming to terms with the reality at the time of the original diagnosis that the transition might not hit me as heavily as if the death had been a sudden one but I won't really know until it happens.

What I am sure about is that neither of us would want the other to waste a moment of their life. In the same way that I would glady do everything and anything for her now, it's her wish that I shouldn't waste time moping around once she's gone. It might be that i don't meet anyone else for years if at all which would be fine as up unit recently I was happier than anyone can realistically expect to be. The concept that there should be some kind of 'holding period' to satisfy the feeling of people that remain some distance from the real emotions is one that i have no intention of adhering to.

I can't even imagine what you are going through. How long have you been together?

Seems petty to get annoyed for someone marrying sooner than you think is ok. I reckon you should allow a 10% margin.

I can't even imagine what you are going through.

Well, unless you both die in an accident or you decide to end it like star crossed lovers in a joint suicide pact, either you or your partner are going to have to deal with something similar one day. The only way to cheat that emotion is to either die first or never form close relationships, neither of which sounds like a winning scenario.

How long have you been together?

We've known each other for 30 years, although actually in a relationship for 25.

Man. I've been with mrshora since I was 18 (23yrs).

From experience, it can take a while to climb out of the dark place you may find yourself in. Say three years before you even think of looking around, which would be about ten percent.

Deleted - wasn't making a clear point!

very sobering, Muppet...

getting dusty in here. enjoy life!

I've talked about this to MrsRobdob and she says I would need to find someone nice pretty soon if she passed away as she wouldn't want me moping around and being depressed - she knows me very well! I have said to her the same if she wanted to but to find someone who cherishes her as much as I do would be the most important thing.....

Of course there is no hard and fast rule about when you can move on and maybe have another relationship. People who are "outside" that situation may think that 1-2yrs it soon soon - maybe thinking that they have forgotten that deceased person when the new relationship starts. That doesn't happen though - all your memories will still be there and you will still chrish the times you had, they don't go away once someone new comes along. Hopefully that new person will respect that you will still have those feeling, and if there are kids in the equation they will also need to know that their birth dad/mum's memory will not be forgotten or pushed aside.

There was a feature on R4 recently where a woman had lost her husband suddenly - they were soulmates and she was paralysed with grief. the way she described it was shocking, saying things like she cried in ways she didn't know were possible. She was able after a few years to remarry another great bloke who respected the love they had and the memories the kids had and fitted himself in the right way to make room for the lost husband but not replace him (hard to describe but it worked well basically). It was a very uplifting story in the end and gave a great insight into how devastating grief can be but how it is possible to get past it and start again.

Drac you are over-reading into this. You need to make sure your moral compass is calibrated..........

I'm still out of kilter. I'm not sure I could move on. At very best, casual relationships but replace and even marry after so long together? Personally- I'm not sure. I'm happy with my life, I'm quite happy in my own company, I have my interests and friends. Everyone is different and I accept that mrshora may feel the need to move on to someone new. Me though? Not sure tbh. Throughout life I've known a few girls, worked with quite a few and tbh not many have shown themselves to be great.

Before she died my mum told me that she had instructed my dad to find someone nice to look after him after she was gone - "someone like that lovely x from work"

2 years later my dad married "that lovely x".

So having been through this I think it's such an individual thing. I meet my wife at 20 we married at 22 and she was diagnosed with breast cancer at 24. After fighting hard she died aged 28 1/2. I was totally devastated and have never got over her death, however I have accepted it and moved on. I meet my current wife when I was 30 we got together properly at 31 and got married at 32.

Was that too soon? No idea but we're still together at 49 so i'm guessing not? For somepeople it'll always be too soon but at 28 I didn't want to be on my own forever.

Mrs MTG was widowed at 41.
There's too many variables to put a set time limit on it.

I think you should leave it long enough for the heat to die down and the insurance money to land in the bank.

Old owner of our house- his first wife died in the house aged 30. He then remarried and his next wife died of a heart attack in the house before we bought it. Hmmm.

I knew of a woman (now dead) who had two husbands and one lover die.
And the dead lovers body was found at the grave of one of the dead husbands.

The woman and her associates were under suspicion but after a full investigation by the police no one was any the wiser of how this came to be.

My father died from a long illness, during which my step mother had come to terms with his death. So at his death there were very few tears and in effect she had already started to move on. She has only just re-married, but had been in another relationship which started only a couple of years of my fathers death. Within the family we were delighted since we believe that life is for living, the memories of the dead should be treasured but not stop people living.

I suspect I have put Mrs roper off relationships for life. In answer to the op, the time is right when it is. There's no such thing as normal.

I was married for 20 years when my wife was diagnosed with cancer. She succumbed 4 years later and I was sure that was it for me, aged 46.
I didn't intend to go looking for someone else but met a fantastic lady about 6 months later and we got on really well. She helped me through the grieving process.
We were married 7 years ago,which was 3 years after my first wife died, and I've never been happier.

I'm not judging people who do, granted 2 years seemed quite soon (not inc preceding courtship) but whatever works for them.

I'm pretty sure that if I were ever in that position then I'd never be in another relationship, but then that'd probably apply if we ever split up too, I just like my own company too much and loneliness not really an issue, not prepared to share myself emotionally with anyone else again.

Throughout life I've known a few girls, worked with quite a few and tbh not many have shown themselves to be great.

You have a somewhat unique view of women.

You have a somewhat unique view of [s]women[/s] everything.

How soon is acceptable? Listening to the 5live phone in and I'm surprised by hearing people losing a partner and being rightly devastated, only to hear they remarried a couple of years later.

Imagine how ****ing lonely you'd be after losing your wife/husband, if you were genuinely good together.

2 years is fine, in fact, 2 years of grieving probably isn't very good for a person so I'd say a year. I wouldn't like to think of my wife wallowing in self pitty for two years, that would be utterly narcissistic of me.

Either you believe in an afterlife where you meet your pissed off ex wife or you don't, this sounds callous but if you don't, any number is utterly arbitrary.

There was a feature on R4 recently where a woman had lost her husband suddenly - they were soulmates and she was paralysed with grief. the way she described it was shocking, saying things like she cried in ways she didn't know were possible. She was able after a few years to remarry another great bloke who respected the love they had and the memories the kids had and fitted himself in the right way to make room for the lost husband but not replace him (hard to describe but it worked well basically). It was a very uplifting story in the end and gave a great insight into how devastating grief can be but how it is possible to get past it and start again.

This +1, that's what I'd hope my missus would do. As the famous song says, life's a laugh and death's a joke, I'd be more upset if my other half spent years in misery.

Either you love your partner and you'd want them to be happy after you die, or you are stuck on how important you were to them and this needs to be proven by them being unhappy enough for the prescribed period??

Trust me you don't know how you'll react until it happens. Hopefully for most of you reading this you'll never have to find out how you'd feel and how long it might take to accept such a life changing event.

good for you, leftyboy

A guy in my mtb club lost his wife to cancer a few years ago. Three young kids further complicated things. He bounced back and was in a happy relationship within months (and still is). Any time after the funeral seems fine to me though I've no idea how I'd react personally.

My wife's on her way to the US today, so we discussed what i would do if anything happened to the plane, apparently, two weeks before i am allowed to go on Thailady4you.com.

The answer is whatever feels right for the surviving partner as it's their life to go on living. If the neighbours talk and the ex in laws aren't happy, that is entirely their problem.
If I dropped down dead tomorrow all I'd hope is that my Mrs was able to find happiness again in whatever time scale suited her.

You have a somewhat unique view of [s]women.[/s] both sexes

From a young age I became too aware of how adults act. No one ever grows up in life, you just add loans and titles to the child.

Sorry if I'm a cynic. I think I was 9 when my eyes started opening to the world.

chiefgrooveguru - you do realise this is the internet and not 'real life'. A place for fun, frollicks and not taking yourself generally too seriously.

Anyway, back on topic. An extreme example is Nigella and her ex-ex(?) husband.

My Brother died last year, after a 6 year battle with cancer, he was 36, and his wife 34.
She has had a tough year trying to get on with life, but has mentioned a couple of times that she hopes to find someone else one day, when the time is right.

I know my brother would have wanted her to be happy, and have someone around to take care of her. So although it'll be very odd for us to see her with someone else, I hope she finds someone to start a new life with when the time is right.

Mrs C was diagnosed with cancer when our son was only 4 months old, he's now 14 and the battle is raging on against secondaries all through her body, now in the past few weeks we have been told it's in her brain too.
Life is really hard, we try to make each day as good as possible, she doesn't want me to be lonely and miserable when she's no longer here, I have my boy and until he's settled into what he wants to do I beleive at this moment in time I would rather be on my own, but I won't say never.
I would never stop loving Mrs C, she's the most amazing, wonderful woman I've ever known, I just know I'll have a massive void that I can only fill with memories, and no one can take them away

So sorry to hear of other people's tough circumstances past, present and future. I think if you are childless it is what is right for you. If you are a parent it most likely is what is right for you all...

I hope I could never be replaced in my wife's heart - but also I would want her to be happy after I am gone, whatever that may mean, should that circumstance arise. This may be a very selfish thing to say though but I am not sure I can imagine the idea of my children calling another man 'Daddy' in the same somewhat selfless way... I know it is not an admirable way to feel but there you go... That being said - whatever I would want my children should the situation arise to have a positive relationship with another man.

None of my business. If it makes them happy I can't see it as a bad thing.

Life is really hard, we try to make each day as good as possible, she doesn't want me to be lonely and miserable when she's no longer here,

My heart goes out to you! I've been the little 14 year old boy in that situation sadly... My mum died in 1994 when I was 14, my dad was 40. The Big C has a lot to answer for! What wasn't expected though was just how quickly my dad seemed to move on. I know he'd had lengthy chats with my mum before she died, and she wanted him to be happy, but he'd got a GF by the time of her bloody funeral, only 10 days after she passed away! Me and my younger sister were mortified at the time. Now I realise it was just his way of dealing with things, trying not to get too upset and depressed about my mothers death.

Anyway, 20 years on, and 2 failed marriages later, my dad is now 60 and getting divorced for the 2nd time. It may be a delayed reaction, but currently he misses my Mum more than he ever has done, and he realises just how special she was!

If I went, I wouldn't want my wife moping about leading a solitary life and mourning me for years to come, or struggling through what seems to be the three year rule before settling down with someone if she was ready before that.

I did some work at a guys house and it was sobering, he had turned into a hermit since his wife committed suicide two decades ago. His house was like a timewarp, stacked to the ceilings with various random hobbys and books/newspapers, all shuttered up. Then he showed me his wife's suicide note framed on the wall 😯

It was slightly creepy especially has he had rigged up some lock on the only unbarred door and I had to ask to be let out every time I needed to go back to the van!

In 11 years at BT, its the only job I've had to convert an old hardwired phone with the cotton braided flex, to a socket and plug in phone. Thats how timewarp it was, I don't think they were fitted after the 70's...

My friends wife died suddenly 18 months ago, 3 weeks after the birth of their second child; he was, shall we say, "finding comfort" within 6 months and did introduce one woman to his kids but has yet to have a relationship.

It's been taken differently by different friends but as has already been said, it's his journey, and aside from feeling he needs to put his kids first in any decision he makes outside of that it's none of anyone's business how soon or when.

It's him who has to lay alone in bed at night thinking of what he and his sons lost and what they need to be happy again, no one else.

Blimey, it's a bit dusty this morning isn't it?

I'm sure that anyone who finds themselves in such an awful situation will be cheered up when they find people discussing it as a [i]hypothetical situation[/i].

🙄

It's him who has to lay alone in bed at night thinking of what he and his sons lost and what they need to be happy again, no one else.

Precisely.

No rules imho.
I have a friend with a similar story to many on this thread (very sudden and unexpected loss rather than prolonged illness or time to say goodbye if that makes any difference) and nothing has exploded, fallen apart or gone wrong with him, new wife, inlaws, late in laws etc in the eight years since then, they are a lovely happy family. Fwiw he is is also still close to his late wife's family even though there are no children 'tying' them together. In fact he lurks on here sometimes (*waves*)

Unless it's hapened or hapening to you (lots of cancer families on here me included) you dont know how long or how soon. A sudden loss i would geuess would for me take longer to get over and move on as opposed to a forseen or known of death. Mind my situations like everyone elses is uniqe.