[Closed] Relationshiptrackworld....saying no to children = saying goodbye to my OH

Why would having children be a mistake?
Why do you want a partner if you didn't select them to have your children? What is her role in your life?

You are both very young for this, plenty of people, myself included, didnt want kids at 25 but by 35 we had them .

No idea what to say to your other half but wait and see ?

Kids are ace, screw your life up, but its great fun

kids are fantastic, and are the making of most men.
we as humans are born with reproductive organs.......use them for what they are intended for.

three fish: her role in my life is...we make each other happy, we are travel companions and general best friends in daily life.

I think that perhaps for me, having kids would be too much of a sacrifice of time and freedom. I am not wealthy so would have to work mad hours to support children, I couldn't travel and do lots of things which I enjoy at the moment...all of which could make our relationship worse.

I appreciate that in 5-10 years I may mellow, settle and have a completely different opinion....but I don't have the luxury of waiting and seeing! I need to know within the next year really.

If she would leave you because you are unsure if you will want kids in the future then she's not the one to be spending the rest of your life with.

I fear equally- saying no, losing the 'one' and changing my mind towards kids naturally in the future...but she will be long gone
- saying yes to kids but never changing my mind towards kids...then not enjoying having kids but being committed to having them.

Eight years to doss around and spend cash with impunity seems fine to me. In that time a lot could happen including you deciding kids aren't so bad (positive) and her running off with your best mate (negative). You're thinking too hard about it and need to just go with the flow because all things considered you seem to be in an excellent place (and I don't mean Chile but that is ace too).

wanmankylung- I think expecting anyone to chose a person over a maternal desire to have kids is a bit of an unfair battle?
At the moment it 'feels' more my choice to stay or go, but it means having to make a decision about a future I can't see into.

you can't guarantee anything in life, but i'm pretty sure by the time you are 30 you'll be ready for kids. spend the next 5 years doing what you want to do, and putting a bit of money aside, so you don't have to stop doing those things when the kids come along.

having kids is hard, really really ****ing hard, but it's an incredible ride, one i wouldn't change for all the money in the world.

Decisions always have consequences. If you decide you don't want kids then your consequence is to split with your current gf. Alternatively you could decide to have kids with her with the potential of it being a huge mistake an you end up regretting it for years to come.

You have to decide what, on balance, is best (or possibly just least bad) for you.

scuttler- yeah you are right, we are very very lucky to have what we have.
I also agree that in the next 8 years I may change my mind, my trouble is that I need to somehow know this now! Impossible

Having kids doesn't stop you having free time or money to travel. It does however give you some other people to show the world to and share your love of travelling with. It's challengingly magnificent.

gonefishin- precisely my problem, thanks for reading the story.
Not really sure what I'm looking for, but at the moment I can't decide

Lots of people see the issue in terms of their own happiness. Don't forget the most important people in this 'is the children' thier happiness and the impact you and your partner will have on them. They don't get a vote.

I would wager there are more folk who regret not having kids than those who regret having them. I didn't think I ever wanted to be a dad but I love my daughter and the bond we have. Don't throw something good away.

You are quite young, but it's good that you are talking about it. I didn't think I wanted kids at 25. Wasn't sure at 34 when the first arrived, but was the best thing to happen to me.

Every relationship has to deal with theses kind of crunch issues. Only you know the answer. If she's The One, kids with her could be amazing, but the relationship will evolve when you have kids.

Having children isn't the end of your life.
It closes some doors but opens new ones.
5 or 10 years down the line you may change your mind anyway.
Nobody is really ready to have them.. You have no real idea what it's like or how it's going to affect your life until you get home from the hospital with your first born and you haven't got a clue what to do with a baby.

I can easily see how having children drives couples apart too.. It's stressful and relentlessly tiring at times. But it also has its magical moments which draw you closer to your partner.

I wouldn't get too hung up over the planning of children down the line as you never know what's round the next corner. Maybe your gf is feeling a bit insecure about the future and is looking for some commitment from you...

I have kids, grown up now.

I know plenty of people whose life choice was not to have kids. They are happy and in relationships with partners who also don't want kids. They enjoy each other's company as much as people with kids enjoy each other's company, but they didn't feel the need to procreate. Making babies isn't the only reason to get into or stay in a relationship.

Walla, it's a decision that I've been presented with, I'm a fair bit older than you, but I'm smart enough to to know that my decision isn't the right decision for others so I'll not tell you what to do and you should be very wary of taking advice from anyone.

Mate of mine has had two break-ups in the past five years due to this.

And I admire him for it.

I'm not one for wanting kids. Thought I did until a good friend got his GF pregnant. His life got turned upside down in a very short space of time. Although he never says directly he wishes he didn't have to be a father, I know through conversations that he isn't overly happy about being tied down,not being able to make decisions about his life without having to take his son into account (this goes for day-to-day activities such as "should I have another beer?" or "should I go for a ride?".

My GF is 33. Many of her friends have at least one sprog, both our sisters have kiddies. Fortunately she says that she can't see herself in that position. Theoretically I've another 2-3 years till I'm over the metaphorical hump that is her biological clock. I've already told her that she should leave if she does get broody as I'm not the one to (willingly) provide her with a baby.

Whatever decision you make will be hard, but make sure you make the right one for you.

Warton puts it well there. 2 kids by 35 means you've potentially got 8 years, you'll both be very different people by then, views and priorities change, I know mine did (I'm 35 now, no kids if that makes any difference). Also, do bear in mind that relationships happen a lot quicker in your 30's, you could part ways at 30 and she could still get what she wants without it being overly rushed.

I think you're over thinking it, stay with her, relax, enjoy your 20's and worry about it in 4 or 5 years.

Never wanted kids, but I love the wife so I did it to make her happy. I had a great life before. Fast forward 10 years and I have two girls aged 5 & 9 and they are the best thing I could ever imagine. I gave up my career and abandoned all my friends so I can spend all my spare time with them whilst they are young. Don't regret it one iota.

I hate other people's kids but you really can't describe how great your own are.

Also, very few people honestly regret having them.

For balance,

There are many, many fine women in the world. It's the hardest thing in the world to do, but if you don't want kids then you'd be doing her a favour by walking away now rather than stringing her along for another ten years.

I hate other people's kids but you really can't describe how great your own are.

Children are like farts. Your own are a thing of constant wonder and hilarity. Those of other people are disgusting. 🙂

OP, as others have said, there's no right answer. I wouldn't be without my beloved kids now, can't imagine life without them. Equally, I have friends who decided that it wasn't for them, and they can't imagine life with kids.

The best thing you can do here is to talk to her. Being a "travel companion" isn't all that. Being a life companion is, and if you really don't want kids at all, and she does, cut and run. If you're still not sure, talk. Then talk some more. Oh, and then keep talking with her.

Don't be in too much of rush to make a decision about it, splitting up so that she can find some-one else to have children with is, frankly, a bit of a lame reason. You'll be unhappy, and so will she. Let's be honest here, you'd need to be with some-one for what? 5-10 years before being sure to have kids with some-one, and that's you.

Be honest with each other about it. Have the discussion regardless of it's difficulties, make no promises, but rule nothing out.

Best of luck.

^^^ as per Cougar.

Let her go if you enjoy your life style coz you are not ready yet.

You may meet someone while traveling then by that time you might have changed your mind to settle down in a paradise resort but you are still searching ...

For her it's time to settle down coz she is ready and if she miss this time frame it would be very difficult for her.

🙂

edit: if you need 5-10 years to decide if that is the right person then you got the wrong person. I have seen couples who have been together for 10 years only for the man to decide she was not for him ... she was heartbroken and left for good. My cousin's cousin ... a ZM.

At 25 I didnt want kids...but was never against having them in the future. Got married and never felt the time was right for kids due to work or money. I then realised the time is never right, but I am now 40+, have 2 kids and wouldnt change a thing. You never know about the future so dont throw it away if you have a good thing going, hang on in there and see what happens.
35 is 10 years away, what did you want when you were 15.....who know what you will want at 35, 45, 55 etc. Just be happy as you never know when it will all end or go tits up.

Why do you want a partner if you didn't select them to have your children? What is her role in your life?

So your'e saying you shouldn't have a partner, who could possibly be the best thing ever in your life, if you don't want kids?

What a crock of shite.

My gf initially shared this opinion

Now things have changed. What if you had kids & realised it wasn't for you, what would you do then? Stay & be unhappy? Or leave & make the kids/spouse unhappy? As in what PawsyBear said.
MOST people are happy with kids, some are not. As I said in the other thread my mate & his Mrs are very happy, very well off & very free.
Do what YOU think is right & not what people on here tell you to do cos everyone's different.

Think hard about what you really want . A no kids lifestyle is great for a while but there's only so many trips abroad , round the world extravaganzas , parties , global jet setting etc that you can do and I guess that after a few years the novelty can really start to wear off . Having children opens up a whole new series of experiences , grows you as people and generally takes your life to a completely different level . Anyway if you dont have children who's going to look after you when you're old 😆

Having kids doesn't stop you having free time or money to travel. It does however give you some other people to show the world to and share your love of travelling with. It's challengingly magnificent.

Perfectly put. Was never sure about children myself but I can honestly say that they are the best thing ever.

Very similar situation to you but 10 years down the line. Nevet managed to do the traveling but did the crap jobs until i was 30. I was always against kids but have now mellowed to the idea. I'm still not the driving force behind trying but now don't mind.

Things change in 10 years worry about it when it happens.

I have two friends that went through very much what you're describing. She wanted to have children and he didn't, in every other respect they appeared to be the perfect match. They talked it through and decided that the issue of children was one that they wouldn't get past and split up. That was about 7 years ago and they are both in new seemingly happy relationships and she has the children that she always wanted.

If one of you is happy to compromise with certainty that it won't fester into resentment then maybe that's the way to go. If you can't be sure of that then maybe it's best to call it a day on the relationship and be happy that you are giving the other person the opportunity to have the life that they want.

4 weeks into my first child after trying for over 5 years and wondering wtf have I done. I got up at 5:30 this morning to get a ride in haven't had a full nights sleep in a month and slept no more than an hour in a bed. But today the first time in years I laughed so hard the missus and I cried when the little blighter was being a pain and got his head stuck in his baby grow.

My advice, which will sound harsh, you and your missus need to do a it of growing up before you start talking about kids. Galvanting about travelling is brilliant but if you need to get yourself sorted, settled and as financial secure as you can before you bring a sprog into this world. By all means keep having a laugh travelling the world, but that is almost the polar opposite of having a kid....you need to be some where closer, if that's not for you then there is your answer. As others have said a lot can change in a few years.

I didn't want kids in my 20's, wasn't too bothered in my early 30's but was more inclined. 35 and ours came.

You are both very young, you can not say now you will never want kids, things change.

What you should do though is say that at the minute you can't see yourself having kids. who knows what 10 years will bring.

Ramsey Neil - Member
Anyway if you dont have children who's going to look after you when you're old

The old folks home ... you pay. You pay now! (Said the management) While the Filipina look on to welcome you with "Mr walla24 are you a good boy?" "Have you been a naughty boy?" While you look on but with one hand slowly creeping up her thigh ... your mouth slightly open and your false teeth slightly loose and dropping ... 😯

Then when your money run dry they transfer you to another "home" but this time it is not the nice Filipina that looks after you but the "local" woman with arm the size of a body builder's thigh. "Oi you ... eat your grub while I have a fag break ..." 😯

Then when you soiled yourself they said "Look what have you done you dirty bugger, we are not here to clean your shite you know".

I've known loads of people who didn't want kids and ended up having them and it's been the best thing that ever happened to them. I was 40 when my first came along and 42 when no.2 popped out, I'd had a very full life before kids and was happy with everything I'd achieved prior to their arrival, now I realise that if they wait as long for kids as I did I'll be in my 80's before my grandkids come along and I'll be peeing my pants more than the nippers and now I wish I'd had them sooner. If you love her but you let her slip through your fingers for this there will come a time that you regret it and you may well spend the rest of your days mentally kicking yourself for it!
Let us all know what you do anyway!!

Surely you don't want to miss out on all the fun whingeing about not being able to afford holidays because travel prices "mysteriously" shoot up when the schools are off and everyone else with kids is trying to boom a holiday as well?

"Why do you want a partner if you didn't select them to have your children?"
Can't believe someone actually wrote, or worse, thought this!

I would suggest you find some young children to spend some time with while making your decision - visits some friends or relatives with kids as much as possible for a while. It will give you some idea if you can find them as fun or an irritation.

I worked with someone who accidentally fathered a child who and despite having weekly and totally voluntary contact with his child and a good friendship with her mother, was still saying 9 years later that he thought a lot of his daughter and 'loved' her but if he could time travel (and despite knowing who the child turned out to be), would be very happy to have eliminated her from his life and her own existence. Which is all rather sad.

Whatever you decide, it should be said you are a hugely decent and caring person for thinking of your partners future. Well done. Quite often men procrastinates and string women along until the women are too old to have kids, then the guy dumps her and has kids with someone else, which is utterly cruel.

If I could go back in time and meet my 25 year old self
I would say what are you waiting for have kids now!

As a now 46 year old I would have my life back.

Have a 5 and 7 year old and they are the best thing to happen to me , just wish I had them earlier

The other thing of course is,

If it's meant to be, your paths might cross again in five, ten years when your world outlooks have changed. I've seen that happen to friends.

Aged 25, there was no way I was having kids [b]ever[/b].

Some 25 years later I have two kids.

As Tony says they are the making of most men. They made me sort a lot of stuff out sharpish which *may* be acceptable if you are just doing your thing in your 20s. Definitely not acceptable if you are a parent though.

I'm happy with how things have turned out. I love spending time in their company.

Why do you not see yourself as a parent?

Personal experience: at 25 I was adamant that I would never have kids, because I loved my independence. At around 30 my feelings changed drastically, perhaps as a result of my sister having her first child and me doing a great job of being uncle. But I wasn't with someone with whom I wanted kids. Now, a 'few' years on, I have reverted back to living my life as I please. But I'm reasonably sure that if you're going to have kids, get them out as early as possible; it doesn't get easier the older you are.

Tough call

OK my take [ not read threas BTW]

1. If you know you do not ever ever want to have kids and this wont change then be honest and leave [ or let her make this choice]. Its highly unlikely she will change her view on the subject

2. If you are uncertain /ambivalent many folk did not want them at your age. If you are not certain chances are you will in a bit but that is at her risk.

Personally I wish I had kids earlier and i was 34 when my first was born [ 10 last week] Christ it flies but still getting hugs.

3. Whatever the hell you do dont have kids to stay together. It wont help , it may make you hate each other and worse you may resent the kid[s] for it.

Best of luck its a tough choice but I think having kids to stay together is unlikely to work and unlikely to make you , or her, happy. I dont think it makes 100% of happy couples happy never mind your scenario.

as others note if i had my time over i would have them younger and i was 34 and my eldest has just turned 10.

Ive never wanted kids. Was engaged to a woman 7yrs back and she did. It wasn't the only reason we split, but it was a factor. She is now happily married with a child & I'm happily sat in my garden drinking cocktails with MsD who REALLY doesn't want kids.
Its not for everyone & society does seem to frown on those who choose to be childless, but its your life & noone else's.

Have them now.
Keep doing everything together. It's just that they'll be more of you.
Go and live in a village in the mountains somewhere with them.
Give them the travel bug. They'll leave at twenty and be worldly wise.
At your age that's a lifetime away, but at 45 it isn't.
I'm 50 next year and still race bikes as much as I ever did.
I still travel as much as I ever did.
And expect to for at least another twenty years.
Cyclists keep riding well in to their 80s.

In 2.5 years she went from not wanting kids to wanting some at some point in the next decade. Can you be certain that your view won't change in the coming years?

I guess my wife and I never didn't want kids but we never had an urge to have them, biological or otherwise - it was more a case of not wanting to grow old without them so we eventually stopped using contraception (we'd been together 13 years by then). Best thing ever, just magic awesomeness! No. 2 due in a fortnight (again it was a case of "well we don't want her to be an only child, not OMG need another baby!"

Yesterday we went on a bike ride (she's almost 2.5, was on her balance bike, me on my hardtail) to our local jumps and she scooted around and giggled at me jumping. We have an awful lot of silly fun together - I never realised you could be such close friends with a toddler, going out for lunch together, having in-depth conversations about the difference between a tractor, a 4WD and a forklift, and then playing on the swings. I'm even becoming quite stylish on a bouncy castle... I am clearly just a man-sized child! 😀

Chewkw, by the time I'm old the Phils will have a first world economy. We'll probably be getting looked after by imported Greek birds whilst living in a massive villa in the Philippines.

We have a fantastic three year old daughter, who has almost outgrown her balance bike but zooms around with a big grin. We have another on the way in September.

Life changes, utterly. Every decision is taken with family in mind. Including 'can I go ride my bike' and most especially 'shall I have another beer?'

All this is worth it to me, at 36, in a way that it certainly would not have been at 25. It sound patronising, but 25 really is early to know your mind, and the trite comment about showing the world to someone looks like wisdom from a viewpoint a decade later.

There's a life hacks TED talk on youtube [url= https://www.ted.com/talks/jane_mcgonigal_the_game_that_can_give_you_10_extra_years_of_life?language=en ]here[/url] that you should watch.

Not directly relevant, but the whole bit about deathbed regrets made me think. Hope it clarifies things for you.

I'd say stick with it, give a a couple of years, wait til some of your mates have kids, and see how you feel. Keep thinking about it though, but don't make hasty changes. Two years won't make a big difference to either of you having kids in future, which ever way things go.

Btw, Fathers' Day tomorrow: my treat is to be allowed to get up at 0545 and get a ride in early so I can be home before I the rest of the day's plans begin.

Believe it or not this feels totally worth it from my point of view.

Have kids. No chance on earth you'll rwgret it, they're amazing and give you an unparallelled sense of worth. You become someone's world. It's truly awesome. I'm completely in love with my wee boy and would die protecting him

I didn't really know I wanted a kid up until our daughter was put in my arms. Even then it was more a "what the Hell have we done?" feeling than absolute certainty. I think that's partly because of all the horror stories - you'll have no life, no money, no spare time, etc etc.

Really, that turned out not to be true. The first few months are hard work, but that eases off. We can't afford the yearly snowboarding trip to France. But really she doesn't cost all that much, we still have a decent quality of life, and it's lots more fun having a small person to go on holidays and adventures with.

I love my OH, and would do anything to make her happy - that included having a child when I was still pretty unsure about the whole idea. Haven't regretted it for a second.

Had my first at 27 and my second at 30 and 2 days! Best job ever. It is a hold your nose and jump experience. Scary and maybe not for everyone.

see my post in your other thread

Telling him to have kids now isn't a good idea. He might want them in the future, he might not and it would be a massive mistake to assume that you'll come around to it. It's easy for those of us who are parents to think that it's right for everyone.
Personally I'd say, if she wants kids more than she wants you then get rid of her.

FTR; I felt the same as you and relented, had a boy when I was 36. Just to muddy the waters, I'm very very glad I did. Probably have another too. Whilst I love my boy, and being a dad, it's not for everyone.

I was in a similar situation a few years ago, had been with my wife for 3-4 years and had recently got engaged. When we first got together, neither of us had wanted kids. After a couple of years she started getting broody and talking about her biological clock. I still didn't want kids and I even thought about breaking of the engagement as I didn't want to stop her from being a mother.
But at this point I had had zero contact with babies or toddlers. Some friends had a couple of babies and the more time I spent with them and got comfortable around them the more I warmed to the idea. After getting married we decided to go for it (I was still wasn't 100% sure) and we now have a 4 month old daughter. It is the best thing I have ever done and I'm so glad I changed my mind. Like you I was worried about my ability to enjoy my pastimes and you will lose some freedom and spare time, but I can't wait until she is 6 months and I can go hillwalking with her in a carrier (already booked a scotland trip) and then introducing her to my passions as she ages. I changed my attitude from losing my freedom to gaining a new climbing/riding partner.
Now we have an agreement, I can carry on with local rides/runs as long as they are first or last thing in the day, as long as my wife can do things as well, and I can have 1-2 full days away a month.
I think the biggest factors in changing my mind was spending time around kids and seeing how awesome they be and my age (we were 25 when we met and 31 when we became parents).

Looking back on it all I had a pretty miserable childhood for a variety of reasons into which I shan't go on this or any other forum.

For this reason I never wanted children as I couldn't imagine inflicting a similarly miserable experience on anyone else. In later life (late 40s) my reasoning changed slightly as one of the reasons - money - went away. The lack of desire to reproduce never changed, though.

MrsJulianA (whom I met and married a bit later in life than most, perhaps) went through a great deal of unhappiness (partially unknown to me) as a result of my selfishness / arrogance / ignorance - view it as you will but, to my great good fortune, decided that I was a good bet for the future.

We are now looking forward to celebrating our 17th wedding anniversary with another trip away and another couple of investments. We are incredibly blessed with the way our life together is turning out and things are brilliant.

Don't know how our old age is going to turn out but we'll sort that out as and when.

As to the original post - not wanting children doesn't have to be the end of a relationship. If that were the case I probably wouldn't be here to post this.

If this helps I'm glad but it was cathartic to post...

My ex wife was desperate for kids..I not so....everyone told me that id change my mind etc... when kids come along and so on...you know...all the normal societal conformance bollocks... I have a son..I love him to bits but it cost the marriage anyway and I would have been much better in hindsight if i had been man enough to let my wife go and find someone who would have been a better dad and provided the fluffy 2.4 kids world she wanted and eveyone expected.

Some folks will see it as selfish, but it is far better to be brutally honest than compromise and risk screwing not only your life up, but those of any kids that may come along as well

@tazzy - I think honesty cost me one relationship - and thank God for that in every way!

I have never been less than honest in that respect and I think my marriage is all the better for it.

As I see it, you probably think about this in one of 3 ways:
[list][*]You know that you definitely want kids[/*]
[*]You don't want kids now but things may change in 10 years[/*]
[*]You can never see yourself having kids, ever. [/*]
[/list]

When I was 25, while I was miles away from having kids, I still knew that I wanted them one day. I'm now 35 and have one with another on the way.

I look back at both my single and childless lives sometimes, and while it was good in some respects I much prefer my life now.

If it were me, I'd say that I didn't want kids now but things will likely change as I get older. She then needs to decide if that's enough commitment.

i got married at 24, having been wth my GF for 5 years or so. We both knew we wanted kids, one day, but in no hurry.
We enjoyed life. Pub of an evening, away biking and hiking most weekends. Took 18 months out and cycled around Australia, New Zealand etc. Decided that at about 28 we'd settled down and have kids.

But we couldn't.

Well, not easily.

4 years of trying, going through all sorts of stress with fertility treatment, eventually got there, only to miscarry. Tried again, with success. Jr_bandito #1 is a joy, but my wife had 8 months of a shit pregnancy, followed by 7 years now of a hyperactive bundle of energy. After 2 years, we thought a it was time to try again. Again, we couldn't, another 2 years of treatment and Jr_bandito #2 came along, that was nearly 3 years ago.

We're knackered. I can count the good night's sleeps that I've had over the last 10 years on one hand. We can barely function at the best of times, and as for sex? Ha!
What's more, its amazng the number of people I know who have had fertility treatment of one sort or another.

But my boys are a joy and I woudn't change things for the world.

In short, your missus should probably start trying sooner rather than later, so if you really, really think you never want kids, then hoof it and giver her a chance. But as has been said, in 5 years you may think differentely, and for her sake as much as yours, don't miss out on the chance.

Kids are great.

I don't want any myself.

My life is busy as hell and I don't need to live through my kids.

If the best thing you have done is have kids, then ask what their aim in life is?

O.P. Be happy.
If having kids makes you happier: then go for it!

Walla I can't be arsed reading page two but I suspect it's the same as page 1!
I'm an old git now with three girls and I wasn't keen on kids really but I can honestly say that my life would be pretty empty now at our my three girls.
Don't think life continues as it is without kids. Life changes massively as you get older and without kids it'll be sad .... Easier, but crap.
Time to think about the future.
Forgot to say... All these dog threads on here - kids are even better than dogs (some of the time!).

If it were me, I'd say that I didn't want kids now but things will likely change as I get older. She then needs to decide if that's enough commitment.

Likely? Maybe? Never?

Hard to say...

have a kid you idiot. You don't know life, lack of sleep, hell, shit, love. life, hate, fear, happiness or poverty.

but **** me if its not worth it.

the only reason that you are alive.

Guess what? Sometimes you have to commit without knowing the outcome. It's called gambling. Welcome to life.

Ps kids are the best thing I have done but I wasn't sure at the time.

Whatever you do, if you decide to comitt to kids, you need to committ to sticking with it.

Really interesting reading, thank you all for taking the time to post.

I really appreciate those who have taken the time to read the whole thread and pick up on a few key points such as

-Unfortunately being able to wait and see how my mindset changes over the years is not an option. I need to make a commitment now or let her find a family elsewhere.

-It's not a case of 'is she the right person' for me to be with or have kids with, we have such a good relationship that, without doubt if I did want kids, she would be the one I would want to have them with. No question about that, I bought an engagement ring months ago before she changed her mind to so firmly wanting kids (I think watching her brother have a child/another friend may have firmed her mind...which I totally understand). She knows I have the ring so there is no doubt of current commitment on either side.
At the end of the day it would be me ending the relationship not her, so that I am not stopping her from starting a family.

-If I did commit to kids I would never be able to nor want to split and run, I couldn't and wouldn't do that to her or any children.

It's been surprising and more than a little frightening to read how many people have had problems conceiving or how long it has taken, this shortens my time frame even more. I totally understand and agree that the younger the better, not just for health reasons but also so you are more likely to be fit and healthy to enjoy their childhood.

Muppetwrangler- that's exactly it, I don't think that this is something we can compromise on. If she says ok no kids, she will almost certainly be sad about it forever and it will darken the relationship.
If i say- yes ok kids, there is a chance (% unknown as i can't tell the future!) that I will resent my choice if my mindset doesn't change.

DT78- also a very useful post; we currently have very little money, no jobs or careers, not even a home rented or otherwise! while we travel....the whole thing would need to be built from the ground up-- starting pretty soon to have it done and 2 kids by 35.
I have been fighting having a career in favour of the freedom to travel etc since school, something else I would have to change my mindset on.

Thank you all for your honesty and experiences, please keep them coming if you can.

I am not looking for an answer, because I know that everyone is different and I can't but scratch the surface of the detail in our lives, but it is very, very helpful to see this from other people's perspectives. We are both reading the posts and discussing.

Thank you STW

As a balance to all the 'have kids, you won't regret it' posts I'll write my experience up (short version):

Met a lovely young lady 10 years ago who was (and still is) pretty much perfect. We got on really well with a similar outlook on life etc. Neither of us wanted kids or marriage and were adamant this would never change. Unfortunately her mind changed after we'd been together 3 years. She was definitely getting broody but I still definitely didn't want kids. We talked it over and agreed to give it another few months before making a decision.
We split up as she still wanted kids and I didn't, it felt wrong to stop her doing the natural thing despite her saying she would go without to keep us together. I made a difficult decision to end it for her happiness.
She is now married to a great guy with two lovely kids and is the happiest I've ever known her, a real natural mother. I'm still definitely of the mind not to have kids or get married so it was definitely the right decision.

Do I miss her? Yes, even though I see her fairly regularly. Would I change anything? No. Would I be happy if I had gone down the kids route with her? Judging by my reaction to all my friend's kids and my nephew I would definitely not. I like kids but love the fact I can hand them back to the parents after an hour or so. I would really struggle to make any sacrifices to my life for them, selfish I know but true. It was the right decision for both of us, even if it really hurt us both at the time. I have no regrets.

Good luck with whichever route you decide to take!

milky- thank you for the post.
can i ask why you didn't want kids? how strongly did you know you didn't?
It's almost impossible to imagine having to choose to end things, let alone the thought of potential regret in the future without her.

Did you meet someone else too?

I've known I didn't want kids from an early age, maybe 15 or 16. I didn't have a very good experience through school at the hand of other kids (bullying etc) that really put me off the idea of bringing a mini-me into this world to possibly experience similar things. I know that there's every possibility they won't go through the same experiences but there's no way I can take that risk. Add in me having no paternal instincts to talk about and it would just be unfair on the child knowing my heart would not be in it. Some people are just not meant to be parents, some of them end up becoming one and end up raising damaged kids. I don't want to take the chance.

As for other relationships afterwards, there has been one or two but they have all ended due to the fact that they all wanted kids too. The vast majority of women do want a family so the pool of non-breeders to choose from is limited. I am quite happy to end up on my own if I don't find someone, it's a consequence of the choice I have made and I have been well aware that it could end up being my future. I won't regret it though as the one opportunity so far that I have had of going the family route I knowingly turned down and every time I see the ex I am reminded of how happy and content she (and her family) are so it was the correct decision for her.

The best advice I can give is to have a good, honest and thorough talk with your partner about everything. Only with all the facts can you both come to a decision.

OP in our 20's I wouldnt dream of having kids. At 35 yes.

Stick with this gem and yes agree to two by 35.

After years of crazy fun it is a progression. I know people who dont/didnt and they act 20's still. Good for them but people describe me as a teen trapped inside a 40'yr olds body and Ive got a crazy 5yr old mini me 🙂

I'm kind of reverse to OP: got together with Mrs Ox at 23, I was ready for kids by 25/26, she was all "no, I want to enjoy myself". We had some long discussions about our apparent differing views on the matter, but ultimately she persuaded me with the 'having kids in our 30s' idea and so I decided to stick with her. Also, she let me touch her boobies and stuff. We went on to have a marvellous time. Upping sticks and moving to a different country, lots of travel, lots of fun, lots of spending cash on frivolous things. We got married at 31, and carried on with the fun for a while, but eventually decided to try for a kid at 32. We now have 2.5 year old Oxling and he is an absolute joy from the minute he wakes us up to the minute he goes to bed. We're a bit skinter now, but it's not in the least bit important. We just do what we can afford to do and love every second of it.

Stick with her and see what you feel like at 30. If you're the same then you can say a fond farewell and she's still got plenty of time.

Walla24, there's a lot of good advice on here. I've only got one thing to add - judging by the things you've said in this thread, the careful way you're thinking about it, and the respect you have for others, particularly your partner, I'd say you'd make a great Dad - much better than 90% of the idiots who just stumble into it!

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Your in Chile, travelling the world? If you are going to regret anything, it's putting a downer on what should be one of the best periods of your life.
Just enjoy yourselves for now - as others have said, you still have bags of time, most of my friends didn't start properly settling down until late 20s/early 30s, and Badnewz is an eternal bachelor these days (and no, that is not code for anything!).

Walla, take your time load, take your time. You have ages to decide, 5 years minimum, arguably more. Take your time, enjoy your life and each other and look at where you are in 4 or 5 years times, that is the point to make a final call.

now this is life.. at 25 i was still a kid .. having kids was unthinkable.. but having a hot girlfriend who i enjoyed spending time with very pleasant so do what some blokes would .. just lie.. say sure two by thirty five sounds great.. we ll crack on with it at thirty. then you get 5 more years with hot to trot girlfriend who wants to practice all the time..by thirty you might have changed your mind or she hers..

ps.. kids are the best thing .. no matter what you did before life will change but for the better, it wont include all the things you did BK ( before Kids) but most should survive and as they get older ( mine now 13 and 10) you can do all you did before and more besides.. best job ever been a dad.. even to gurls.

Without wishing or intending to be dismissive towards your dilemma, it sounds, from the detail you have furnished us with, as if your girlfriend needs to do a lot more living in and appreciating the now, rather than living in the future. You, OTOH, appear to be much more and happier in the present moment and have become unsettled by the feeling that you need to be living and experiencing life in her frame of reference.

Which, on that line of thought, probably gives you a little too much of a heads up as to your decision, as and when you choose to make it.

As I've mentioned before, life is precious, valuable, tenuous. Try not to let it disappear by trying to control things that have happened or are yet to happen.

your girlfriend needs to do a lot more living in and appreciating the now, rather than living in the future

Ouch!

It's an interesting point though - which one is being selfish? The OP for not wanting to be tied down yet, or the OH for wanting to plan his future away 😀

I just wanted to comment from the female perspective. I think you need to decide your own perspective rather than take her decision from her. It is perfectly ok to tell her you are not sure just now. You cannot guarantee that you will or won't want kids as it is too early for you. This is a perfectly reasonable position to be in. It is HER decision on whether she wants to wait and see for a while or wants to move on. Don't take away her decision.

MrGinger had no experience of kids when we met (only child) and was unsure he would ever want to have one. He might or he might not, he didn't know. As i did want a child, I then had to decide whether I wanted to be with him even if it meant no kids. I decided that I did. We got married (after 5 years together).

After we got married we decided to try and see what happened. Nothing did, at which point he decided that actually he would very much like a kid! Several years later we got our daughter. She is now 5 and a complete star. He is a fantastic Dad and he can't believe he wasn't sure he would like it. We would have liked two but that hasn't worked out for us, particularly as we were fairly late starting to try, so had little leeway when it didn't work out (you spend your teens being told you will get pregnant if you so much has hold a boy's hand too long, so it is a shock when it doesn't happen when you try!). Based entirely on my own experience I would leave it much past 30 to try if you have a choice but life doesn't work out like that so you just go with the flow.

Please let you girlfriend make her own decision. You are not responsible for her happiness - she is, so don't be patronising and think it is up to you.