You don't need to be an 'investor' to invest in Singletrack: 6 days left: 95% of target - Find out more
Basically after working the weekend and having suspicious thoughts about my other half my fears have come true. The numpty decided leave her phone in the car while I borrowed it. And yes I looked through it and found out she has been messaging another bloke since September last year, even whilst we were on holiday with her daughter and her partner.
Sending bikini photos to him etc and receiving said photos back. It eased off by the looks of it the messages the beginning of this year whilst we were in the process of buying a house. But started up again this weekend when she was at her mates drinking.
The said Bloke however lives in Australia. This is the second time she has been caught out doing it, did it in 2014 when I was recovering from surgery on my achillies.
Trying to pick my moment when to confront her over it, spanner in the works is we have just bought a house together. Me and her stumped up 10,000 and my Mum gave us another £8000.
I cant afford the house on my own and the mortgage is in joint names.
Couldn't come at a worse time of year to be honest, alreadyvin a foul mood because it's 18 years since my step dad passed away today.
I seem to recall the previous one where you had issues...
What else did the conversations involve ? Declaring undying love ? wanting to screw ?
That would crush me.
I think you need to be clear what the intent is. Male friend who lives thousands of miles away who she chats to from time to time? I can be jealous so it would annoy me, but I know it's 'innocent' or more?
IF, and it's a decent sized IF she's being unfaithful, even if only via text, then you've got to end it. Money is only money and you can't put a prize on happiness.
My Brother is a serial offender, his MO is to chat up the young girls (18-24 ish) who work for him, he's a 34 year old Super Market Assistant, Executive, Supervising Manager or some other random collections of titles. His partner has caught him out twice, most recently when they'd had a baby about 4 weeks before, final straw for me, we talk if we happen to be at my folks place at the same time, but I've lost all respect for him, it's sad, but the only thing I feel towards him now is complete apathy, I don't care enough to be disappointed any more.
Messaging means nothing, even if it's smutty. If you want to use it as an excuse to end the relationship fine, but it's not a reason.
And you should stop looking at her phone, that's really not healthy.
So my vote: Forget it and carry on. Her messaging a bloke in Oz is no different to you going on p*rnhub, it's harmless.
Messaging means nothing, If you want to use it as an excuse to end the relationship fine, but it’s not a reason.
And you should stop looking at her phone, that’s really not healthy.
So my vote: Forget it and carry on. Her messaging a bloke in Oz is no different to you going on p*rnhub, it’s harmless.
1. Hmmmm disagree completely.
2. Yes it's not great
3. Really ? they're videos, this is a human, with emotions, a voice, a house... etc.
it’s harmless.
No. No it is not.
It is a trust thing.
To me even being unfaithful but not consomethinged as this is is enough for a very serious conversation and I would be very dubious about carrying on in the relationship.
OP - you have to have that conversation.
I haven't been in your position, but surely long term being with someone who messes you around is worse than leading the life you want?
Approx what sort of age are you & her?
Does she ever get to go to Oz?
Basically after working the weekend and having suspicious thoughts about my other half
What caused you to have suspicious thoughts in the first place?
I'm thinking either a) there's more to this that you've not explained or b) you're overly suspicious. There's nothing in your post to suggest she's done anything wrong if she's simply "sending messages" to a friend and photos that would be perfectly acceptable on her Facebook feed. Meanwhile, you've violated her privacy.
On the other hand, if she's sending photos of her foof with a message going "wish you were here," that's a different kettle of fish. Or if she's planning a long holiday with "friends" in the near future, then that could merit a DEFCON status change.
You say it's the second time she's been caught. Same bloke?
Sending bikini photos to him etc and receiving said photos back.
I'd be concerned if a bloke was sending my other half bikini photos too.
Sounds like you don't have kids together? That would change things a bit for me.
Once, OK, let that one go. Twice? there'll be a 3rd, 4th time..I'd be gone. Money is just that..
Why not suggest a holiday to Australia, see how she reacts?
I’d be concerned if a bloke was sending my other half bikini photos too.
*puts phone down*
Just as a point of reference, is this the same partner you were moving out from a few years ago? The one with the zoo?
Nothing pertinent to add, just nosy..
I don't actually think texting is the same as cheating.. unless she's met him. I know from a bit of online dating that a relationship by text is not real, you can get on like a house on fire of text, then meet and ****ing despise them!
But, it does show she's not settled and is looking for attention from elsewhere... which has to be your call whether you're prepared to put up with that.
She is 38 I'm 32. Both is well paid jobs. Yeah we do go to Oz probably every other year. She has family out there.
Don't have trust issues, I get odd feelings and they are 99.9% right most of the time.
Working with people day in day out you kinda become good at reading what people need, want by just looking and listening to them.
I saw a change in her attitude and acted upon my suspicions and I was right.
No I shouldn't look through her phone, however I had reason to believe and I was right.
My phone is left unlocked and doesn't stay attached to me because I have nothing to hide.
And I believe this bloke they had something going on in the past as he originally lived in the uk. And referenced a sexual activity from said past.
Send him a pic of your Wang.
I'm probably not very good at this
If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, more often or not, it is a duck ....
Depends what you have feel invested in this ... it it were me, no kids, and she wasn't the emaning of my every breath, I might think I would fell happier elsewhere ...
Re equity in the house .... if you are not married, then negotiate ....
You say sent bikini photos but were there other photos included and really it was just innocent? Or was it obviously flirtatious? My best friend is a bloke and I send him random photos of me in new bike shorts etc. all the time to get his opinion and equally I've probably sent myself in a bikini to him but I think my week ago ex is in the photo too so totally normal.
her daughter and her partner.
Just out of curiosity she has a daughter old enough to go on holiday with a partner? Or is there some kind of typo there?
I’ve probably sent myself in a bikini to him but I think my week ago ex is in the photo too so totally normal.
That's fine, he can crop the BF out for **** purposes.
Tell her you know by all means. Basically this means you hold all the power now. There'll be no more 'no you can't go cycling' no more 'no you can't go away with your mates' you can lie in with impunity stay up till you want. 👍
Speaking from experience, she’ll never change. She’s obviously after attention/to feel desired/excitement. She needs to get to the bottom of why this is or she’ll carry on doing it. You need to leave or you’ll just be continually in this cycle
oh and the previous thread
https://singletrackmag.com/forum/topic/thinking-of-leaving-girlfriend-or-rather-will-be-leaving/
Golfchick- Bikini photos are fine but when the reply to said bikini pic is go lower and the reply to it is, I can't because M(me) is next to me it's not just a random holiday snap. And thevword tongue in places where it goes when doing bedroom aerobics or flirting is mentioned then it's going beyond friendly messaging!
Outofbreath - yes she has a 22 year old daughter. A woman who is not stranger to being drilled from a young age.
Not that I can talk, lost my Virginity very early, but wasn't stupid enough to get somebody pregnant when I was a teenager.
I'd love to just walk away but the house is stopping me. If I had an extra £470 going into my bank account is be able afford it on my own.
A woman who is not stranger to being drilled from a young age.
You sound nice.
An emotional affair is what this type of thing is called in these modern times.
Edit: Just read the other thread. Stumped as to why you thought buying a house with this person was a good idea.
the previous thread
So the OP has been living in misery for years. Then committed to buying a house with the source of the misery, and now wants out over something relatively trivial just after he made the situation 10x more complicated.
'Other people's lives' as the great TW once said...
Two sides to every story etc....
Oh and what outofbreath said.
Has he sent her any photos of himself down under?
Seriously though fella, you need to bring it up or it’ll gnaw away in your head.
Are the people saying that sexting other people when in a relationship, the modern day equivalent of people who used to go to parties at houses with pampas grasses outside and throw car keys into bowls?
OP I think you know you should leave but are very anxious about doing so. Is the house the real reason you feel you need to stay or is it something different - e.g. fear of being alone.
I think you need to be totally honest with yourself about how you feel and then make the best decision for your own happiness.
Other than finances what's actually stopping you form sitting down, talking about it and inevitably going your separate ways?
Suggest swinging.
If she jumps at the suggestion, you have your answer.
Imagine if you'd taken the advice you asked for on the previous thread... or are you just airing this stuff out?
Financially, people make it work (splitting up, I mean!).
Are the people saying that sexting other people when in a relationship, the modern day equivalent of people who used to go to parties at houses with pampas grasses outside and throw car keys into bowls?
No, it's the modern day equivalent of having a pen pal in France and writing them saucy letters on that thin blue paper stuff you used to have to buy from the post office.
You sound nice.
He sounds bitter.
I don't mean this to be callous but, on your previous thread you had four pages of people telling you to get out of there and you're still with her. And presumably still miserable. Is any advice given here going to make any difference to anything?
Three years ago you said:
I’ve had enough, so started packing things up ready to go this week.
and
Already looking up a two bedroom apartment. Close to my mate, family five minutes away. Lived in one with my ex before this ex. Brand spanking new. Fully furnished tastefully. £500 a month. Down the estate agents when they are open again.
so what happened?
No, it’s the modern day equivalent of having a pen pal in France and writing them saucy letters on that thin blue paper stuff you used to have to buy from the post office.
As someone else posted, both of these scenarios are emotional affairs and absolutely not acceptable.
Does having a bit of a crush on someone constitute emotional affairs?
What about tossing off to grot?
This shit happens, sensible adults know that they are fleeting impulses and don't go any further. Keep that in mind.
Agreed.. you sound super bitter dude. Most people in a loving equal relationship would never speak about there oh like that if they cared.
Dump her. Dont be a cuck.
Buy her a one way ticket to 'straya
Send him a photo of your wanger
Post bikini photos here
Messaging means nothing, If you want to use it as an excuse to end the relationship fine, but it’s not a reason.
And you should stop looking at her phone, that’s really not healthy.
So my vote: Forget it and carry on. Her messaging a bloke in Oz is no different to you going on p*rnhub, it’s harmless.
1. Hmmmm disagree completely.
2. Yes it’s not great
3. Really ? they’re videos, this is a human, with emotions, a voice, a house… etc.
1) I really don't - IF it's just messages.
2) yeah.
3) They're videos. Of humans with emotions.
I think the crux is though, if you don't feel that the messages are OK, you need to tell her. Or you need to decide to ignore it if it's not worth it. A house you can't afford shouldn't be the deciding factor.
And if she knows you're not OK with it, she shouldn't do it. But then pics in a bikini or pics in bikini bottoms? Do you feel that your partner is cheating on you with everyone else on the beach?
both of these scenarios are emotional affairs and absolutely not acceptable.
Given that others have disagreed, I'd argue that it's subjective.
To my mind, if a partner had a flirt-buddy I wouldn't give two hoots about it. If she had one and was lying about it however, I'd be livid. Trust, y'see, and betrayal thereof.
Given that others have disagreed, I’d argue that it’s subjective.
To my mind, if a partner had a flirt-buddy I wouldn’t give two hoots about it. If she had one and was lying about it however, I’d be livid. Trust, y’see, and betrayal thereof.
Oh I agree too. Its the secretive nature implied here that makes it unacceptable IMHO.
Oh and...
Honestly if you're not happy, leave. Whether it's cos of this or something else, if it's been that long you can't realistically expect stuff to change hugely.
I had some very good counselling and stuff, but still ended up splitting with my partner of 10 years last winter. It hasn't been easy, particularly as we have kids, and there are still things to sort out, but I'm happier now than I had been for years. And only partly thanks to tinder 😉
Of course if you're not sure, give it a good go, see a counselor or whatever might make you happy. But get to a point where you know quickly. I had to be spurred on to stop trying to get my ex back by other life events that made me take stock and realise how short life is and that I can't have her as I'd really want her.
Good luck.
Where in Bolton are you?
Get rid.
You will end up in the same spot further down the line.
First thing is, she hasn't randomly started messaging a bloke thousands of miles away, she has either met him before now or went search for something online/app etc. Unless you can suggest how else this happened?
You clearly suspected something was going on otherwise you wouldn't have checked her phone (and the fact you say she was stupid enough to leave it in the car suggests she very rarely leaves it laying around).
Having a secret relationship, in whatever form, is not acceptable.
Money part isn't nice, but better being skint and with someone you care about / cares about you.
What about tossing off to grot?
Is this a question or a suggestion?
Going OT for a bit - "junk", "grot" ... what does this tell you about people's values.
what does this tell you about people’s values.
Not a lot. Suggests they have a sense of humour.
Not sure it's been linked, but for context:
https://singletrackmag.com/forum/topic/thinking-of-leaving-girlfriend-or-rather-will-be-leaving/
Is she fit? I wouldn’t mind some bikini photos...
Sit down with her and talk like adults? Maybe she wants out and left the phone knowing you’d look at it. Alternatively keep borrowing her phone and send increasingly absurd texts to the bloke in Oz.
yourguitarhero
Member
Send him a pic of your Wang.I’m probably not very good at this
Actually I think you are spot on. I would have sent a nice knob shot to the guy, that would have brought it to a front.
Life is so simple ... get the woman’s phone , initiate contact with oz dude posing as herself. Tell him you’ve just given birth to a bouncing little girl and he’s the dad .... depending on reply you will then know if she was only sending bikini pics 👍
In my experience, your setting yourself up for an argument because you have to admit to searching her phone. Here's what I would do .
Go to her mum all upset and apologised profusely as you borrowed her phone and in doing so read a message which you know is so wrong and you've made a big mistake. Be very sad. Tell mum the story and that you don't know what to do next .
If there relationship is like most mums and daughters she'll send you on your idiot way BUT she will now take this up with your wife. After all, she invested in your relationship with her daughter, so she thinks enough of you to chat to your wife and give her a verbal ear clipping most likely .
After Mum and daughter have spoken. Likely your wife will come to you with an admission and an apology of sorts, or she'll propose a split with mum helping to fund a solution .
Try that .
I was in a similar situation a while back. I'd get your mum to write you a letter saying that the £8k is a loan to be paid back in due course. If/when you sell the house, the £8k is recoverable and you have a 50/50 split on the final sale.
All the very best, I hope everything works out for you - and go with your gut instinct!
I guess life just hasn’t been the same since you had those ensuite bathrooms.
Does the new house still have a menagerie?
Don't do what kryton suggests. That's some weak play that is, man up and be direct.
Don’t do what kryton suggests. That’s some weak play that is
Yup.
I'm amazed he even suggested that course of action..
Don’t do what kryton suggests.
*Do* do what Kryton suggests, or at least the first part. "I've looked at your phone and I want to dump you because you're phone cheating" is going to lead to an argument. (She can come back with "You shouldn't look at my phone" and 'messaging isn't cheating". She can also promise to change and make things even harder.)
Least said better. "It's not working out, bye." Far harder to argue with that. Just get out with the least possible squabbling.
Except I don't think the OP is leaving. He'll be back in three years with "Now I'm married to her with 2 young kids and I still want to get out."
I’m amazed he even suggested that course of action..
Because her mum has paid £8k and is invested in the relationship financially and emotionally, and will be received far better when wifey is told what a silly girl she's been from Mum rather than the OP.
Or **** it, go home and accuse her of cheating, add a bit of shouting and google Jeremy Kyles number. That'll be sure to end well.
His mum.
Read the OP again Kryton.
Or **** it, go home and accuse her of cheating, add a bit of shouting and google Jeremy Kyles number. That’ll be sure to end well
If we'd reached the stage where my missus was sending pics to a bloke, i don't want it to end well... I want it to end with her bags on the doorstep.
Read the OP again Kryton.
Oh. His Mum.
I retract everything I said, time for a new patio OP.
OP I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in, sounds pretty bad. Having said that you had all these issues a year ago, and you still bought a house together..?
Split, sell the house, give your mum her money back. It'll take some time to sort stuff out (that you should've done a year ago) but in 6 months time this will all be a memory, and you can get on with your life.
EDIT: There doesn't have to be a big bust up, you don't have to tell her why you want to split, or reveal that you know about the phone messages; just tell her it's not working out, and that you want the relationship to be over.
^^^^ This times 1000. For your own sake move on man, and don’t look back.
Save your number into the phone under his name, continue saucy texts, report back...
I’d get your mum to write you a letter saying that the £8k is a loan to be paid back in due course
The terms of the agreement exist before any such letter is written and it wouldn't mean much in court.
Kick her out and get a lodger
from experience - it's not the 'act', it's the will to act that causes the damage to trust. I had this twice with my ex-wife, two different things with 5 years apart, and those were the ones I knew about. We limped along for ten years after that, but ultimately trust was irrevocably broken.That is no basis for a relationship, let alone a marriage with kids involved. What I learned is you can 'get over' the specific thing or act, but I could never come to terms with the fact that she had the will to do it, not once, but twice. That tells me all sorts - but mostly for whatever reason she felt the need to look elsewhere.
As has been said many times on here, you have to be brutally honest with yourself. Personally at 45 years old I realised I faced a life in a shit marriage making compromises, or I could turn the page and start a new chapter. It has already turned out to be an utter revelation, and changed my life for the better. Some people say 'relationships/marriages are supposed to take work' - bullshit. If it isn't working naturally and effortlessly, you're actually working to compensate for some issue in the relationship that you are not admitting to, and that will cost you in someway, generally your happiness and self-worth.
Good luck
fact is she's done this twice now, people don't change they just become better versions at what they do. Voice of experience here. Get out now as longer you leave it harder it will become, it will be tough no doubting that. And she will do it again if you stay, as it's in her nature. All the best
Do you suspect he may have didgered her doo ?
eople don’t change they just become better versions at what they do
disagree here.. Of course they do.
I cheated on plenty of girls in my past, but have never even considered cheating on Mrs Weeksy... However, using our logic, i must have done (or likely would do)
People change....
I'm not convinced for a second she's on that potential change list..... but people can.
Maybe you always tried to be faithful and just got better at it?
Kick her out and get a lodger
I honestly read that first as 'kick her out and get a badger'!
You and me both!
I honestly read that first as ‘kick her out and get a badger’!
Me too. Best advice so far.
If the 8k was a gift, she can claim 50/50, if it was a loan it can be retrieved.
If you're married and she's older than you in divorce proceedings she gets a bigger chunk (mad I know but true).
It could be argued that if she's mentally playing around (with a 3D person, not pron) she has mentally left you already.
Anxiety and mistrust in relationships destroys both the relationship and it destroys you.