[Closed] Really struggling

Mate, I went through a very unexpected bad break up a couple of years ago and as bad as it was, it gets better with time. Sounds a bit twee but it's true.

I'm also not seeing much of my kids due to everything going on at the moment, and whilst it's not great, things will go back to normal. I really struggled with not seeing my kids when I first split with their mum. Now that we have a routine, it's great. It just takes some time to settle down.

Stick with it and things will get better.

Why can you not see your child? Guidance is it's fine for dependants to move between households.

On the SSRI's, have been on Sertraline before and found it helped to get an even keel. Definitely some side effects but for me massively outweighed by the benefits. Weaned myself off it gradually and am fine now, obviously a bit twitchy given current circumstances but found them beneficial and not too difficult to get away from.

On the co parenting, IME if at all possible keep it amicable, try and separate relationship from parenthood and focus on the second. I remember my ex saying (and me thinking it was ****ing stupid and we wouldn't even be friends) that we'd always be family. She was right. Looking back, how could it be otherwise?

I cant help with any direct experience, but the adage 'time' seem apt here.

It's a rubbish situation compounded by the timing. Try and hold on to the thought that things will improve in time. Slowly at first, but they will improve.

Thanks both for taking the time to reply.

I'm in a house with my mother, as I understand the lockdown rules if I saw my daughter I then wouldn't be able to come back here.

Encouraging on the sertraline, I think I'm definitely at the point of giving it a go now.
The only comfort is that people do come out of these situations as you did futureboy. It helps trying to remember that.

Kids under 18 can move from parent to parent.

If your concerned you could even just go n have a coffee in the garden n see her and play.

Have you spoken to your ex about shared custody?

@njcisca you'll come out of it too. Remember that. All things must pass.

I can’t even imagine having all those things happen at once, but the one thing that rang out in your statement was the word ‘pathetic’.
You are not pathetic, far from it.
It’s a very good thing to sound out and shout.
A lot of people here have similar situations and I’ve been very glad of responses when I’ve been down.
The current situation obviously isn’t helping but try to keep active and stay off the alcohol ( doesn’t help, trust me).
Try and stay friends with the ex or at least on a good basis.
Good luck

Kids under 18 can move from parent to parent.

If your concerned you could even just go n have a coffee in the garden n see her and play.

Have you spoken to your ex about shared custody?

My mum is 70 so so it was the risk of bringing infection here I thought prevented me contacting my daughter. Could be wrong though.
No detailed discussion but we do both want to share custody. We're not really speaking much right now as things are very raw.

That sounds crap.
I’m not a parent but re. your child, my friend is in a similar situation and he goes and sees his daughter at the local park once or twice per week. She has to keep her distance and he lives with an elderly parent, but he gets to talk to her and see her in person. Not ideal but might be worth thinking about.
Re, the drugs, my wife went on them. The first 2 weeks were rough, I won’t lie about that, but they really helped her stabilise herself and then make decisions to get through it.
And finally, I know I’m a stranger on a bike forum, but if you want to talk to someone then just let me know.

I know this must sound a bit mad but when things get dark I always sing 'just keep swimming', the song Dory sings in Finding Nemo.
It encapsulates what you have to do. You have to completely reset your parameters for life and focus on the tiny things: get up and get dressed - win, have breakfast- win, put one foot in front of the other and get the essentials of the day done.
One day in the not too distant future you'll experience something like feeling the sun on your face and it'll be the best you've felt all week, and it'll be enough.
Just keep swimming. It'll take a full calendar year before life starts to feel normal again (a quote from another favourite film/book; The Shipping News), but it will feel normal again.
You've done the right thing reaching out for help. Find forums/groups of people in similar situations and talk, talk, talk. Personally I say don't take pills, there's nothing wrong with you. Of course you feel bereft, life has thrown you one of the hardest trials to bear.
Just keep swimming.

Thank you all, really means a lot.
Its definitely the timing thats making the situation all the more nightmarish.
Would be a long round trip to see my daughter but maybe possible if im feeling a bit stronger.
Very much just surviving hour to hour im feeling that bad.

I'm on Sertraline right now, it's doing me good. I was on them a couple of years ago and they didn't do a thing for me then, but there's nothing addictive about them and although they say there are withdrawal effects, if you look them up, they're pretty much what you have now, low mood, sleep problems, anxiety and ideation. In short, take the Sertraline. For at least a month, some find they have an effect within a couple of days, others need weeks and weeks and upping the dose. Some they won't help much at all, but there's no real test of which antidepressant works for any individual so it's a bit suck it and see.

Your doc will have told you to call back if things change, remember that, you can call back to them and discuss things over and over, either because things have changed or your experience with the drugs.

You are the same person you were five years ago, with the same worth. The times have changed and fate has chucked a bit too much your way this spring to cope, and that's sort of OK, take the help from your doctor and anyone else who offers and you'll get through it. Try not to hide from the stuff you have to do, and use the lockdown as an excuse to not stress about the stuff outside your control. Music helps for me, there will be something that does for you too. Try stuff. Nobody has to be happy at the minute, ok and keeping going will do for now. Keep us posted, or just blow of steam on here.

Hi Nj, similar story here I'm afraid, partner of 8 years told me she wanted to split couple of days before lockdown - we have a young daughter and I'm really struggling with the thought of not seeing her all the time. I have had a few good messages from people on here and can only echo what hey say, time will be a healer. It sure does not feel that way at the minute, i just want lockdown over so partner (ex) can move out and I can move on, just feel in complete limbo at the minute.
PM me if you need a chat

Sorry to read about this. In the short term go for a few easy wins, help your mum, decorate her house, bake her a cake, grow some plants, cook her a meal.

When you say your ex has moved on, sadly friends who moved onto new relationships without a break seem to get a bit unstuck. Take the time to take stock of things, think about what you want to do.

Deffo use your daily exercise allowance and just walk round your nearest nature if you can.

Keep us posted how you get on.

Wow, tough indeed for those of you starting that process now. I feel for you both/all

I've not been there so can't speak from experience (let alone in these circumstances) but ... maybe ... you could think of it as being breathing/thinking space while this is all really raw.

How old's your daughter? Do you talk on the phone/zoom or whatever?

I’m on Sertraline right now, it’s doing me good. I was on them a couple of years ago and they didn’t do a thing for me then, but there’s nothing addictive about them and although they say there are withdrawal effects, if you look them up, they’re pretty much what you have now, low mood, sleep problems, anxiety and ideation. In short, take the Sertraline. For at least a month, some find they have an effect within a couple of days, others need weeks and weeks and upping the dose. Some they won’t help much at all, but there’s no real test of which antidepressant works for any individual so it’s a bit suck it and see.

Your doc will have told you to call back if things change, remember that, you can call back to them and discuss things over and over, either because things have changed or your experience with the drugs.

You are the same person you were five years ago, with the same worth. The times have changed and fate has chucked a bit too much your way this spring to cope, and that’s sort of OK, take the help from your doctor and anyone else who offers and you’ll get through it. Try not to hide from the stuff you have to do, and use the lockdown as an excuse to not stress about the stuff outside your control. Music helps for me, there will be something that does for you too. Try stuff. Nobody has to be happy at the minute, ok and keeping going will do for now. Keep us posted, or just blow of steam on here.

Thanks, I think I am edging towards the medication. I can't start them quite yet as I'm finishing a course of steroids for something unrelated first. Hoping they can just do enough to keep me afloat for now.
Music has usually been good for me too but I'm at that horrible stage of evrything leading to a memory or negative thought.

It sounds like a really tough situation and I don’t think you’re at all pathetic.
I’ve taken SSRI antidepressants from time to time and in fact I’m taking fluoxetine at the moment. I’ve tried a few different ones and fluoxetine works best for me, though everyone’s different of course. For the first week or 2 you might have side effects but they should wear off and you should notice a benefit after 3 or 4 weeks.
Stay safe!

Talking about music, and tryign to add a little bit of humour...I was in a previous relationship many moons ago - was in the process of leaving the girlfriend but she was kind enough to give me and a mate a lift to and back from a concert, every single song was either a break up song or the most ridiculous over the top rock love ballad (Whitesnake comes to mind)...mate was pissing himself in the back of the car while me and the soon to be ex sat in stony silence

Heck the response on here really is amazing.

My daughter is 5 having facetime or phone calls every few days. Very very hard keeping it together to speak to her.

@iancity1 really sorry you're going through similar. What a time to happen.
I was nearly going to end up in the same situation as you and stay in the same house but finding out about her meeting someone made it impossible for me. Hope its amicable enough for you to get by for now and you can enjoy being with your daughter. Thanks for pm offer may take you up sometime soon.

Njcisca - best wishes for you fella.

I understand your fears regarding the antidepressants. I avoided them for years. I’ve just tapered off Citalopram over the last month after five years. It did a great job of calming me down and helping me to react rationally in situations I’d have found overwhelming without it. First couple of weeks can be tough, but it’s worth sticking with imo.

If you need to vent at someone please pm me and I’ll send you my phone number.

Sounds like a nightmare all round.

Having been there with depression you’re doing the right things so far - talking, facing up to it and seeking help. I was on meds too for a bit and wish I’d taken that help sooner. Once I’d found the right one for me it definitely helped.

You’ve got a lot on your plate here so no wonder it’s having an effect. Do what you can to get through it, some good ideas above about helping your mum out etc. Also any sort of exercise will help.

Take care, you can get through this.

Your feelings about your situations are totally understandable. Others have said what I would - but I would say, this place is great for support and keep checking in. Take care!

OP That is a lot to deal with, so don’t think it’s insignificant. As soon as you have so much in one go, I think it just overwhelms your bandwidth of coping.
Take the pills as soon as you can, and try to give yourself really little tasks to give you a little win each day. Great idea to do stuff for your mum, maybe ride first thing to get a buzz then crack on with a project.
This will be over, so all you need to do is survive, financially and emotionally, then enjoy life again.

Its not easy asking for help when everything feels overwhelming but glad I did - both medically and on here. First steps I guess.
Managing one short bike ride a day. Just turning the pedals in a daze with all the same thoughts swirling around but I know I need to keep active.

@funkmasterp thank you

Messaged you. Not sure I can help but at least I can listen

There is a world of difference between not being able to see your daughter "right now" or not being able to see her at all. Relationships aside we're living in interesting times and it sounds like there's at least some degree of amicability.

"Time blah blah blah" yes, but it's almost always true. Short term pain for long term gain. As bleak as it may appear suck it up for now, it will get better.

I split from my partner in Feb (her decision, though we'd not been happy for a while).
The first month is tough, similar to you everyons said give it time you get through this. At the time i couldn't see that and really struggled to cope, for at least a week just broke down crying consistantly.
Use your time to get either leagal advics or yo do some research, this web site has a lot of acvice link.
Use this to know your rights legal position, not one upmanship.
Ring a counciling/ samaritans line if you need support dont wait for doctor referral it takes upto 9 weeks.
Treat this place as a blog or sounding board, i found just writing down my problems and thoughts helped.

My situation was difficult (4 shared houses) and i'm still here as lockdown has dragged the already slow coveyencing process to near stand still. That has ment we have had to learn to be at least civil to each other.

Take care

I'm mentallly struggling as well OP as my Dad has terminal cancer so am not allowed to see him.

As he's menatally checked out i'm getting no sense or anything more than a minutes phone conversation out of him. I would go and see him but have no idea if its days, weeks or months that he has to live

I know the situatons are different but my way of (barely) dealing with it is firstly to try and keep my body clock to as normal as possible, make a list of all the jobs that need doing around the house and tackle one each day (this week i'm on a deep clean/de clutter of a room at a time), listen to one new album a day and watch something I wouldn't normally, also staying well away from alcohol. I'm also doing 100 press/sit/pull ups a day and marking it off

Theres still a massive time void but can be filled with a walk/run/cycle or going to the shops (I'm like an old woman now and have found I end up talking to strangers a lot 😀 on my trips)

OP - Keep posting on here. It's so important to talk (or type) what's going on.
You can't possibly see this atm, but time really will help. Every day, every week, every month you will see a change. You'll be able to cope.

Try and get yourself into a routine. And if possible do a bit of voluntary work. Keep riding your bike and getting fresh air and exercise.

If your child is old enough, talk to him/her on the phone as often as possible.

Big hugs
bunnyhop x

Futureboy77
Member
Mate, I went through a very unexpected bad break up a couple of years ago and as bad as it was, it gets better with time. Sounds a bit twee but it’s true.

THIS^^^^

It does sound twee, but it is true!

I've been divorced twice, I didn't choose either - but when I look back now, as bad as things were, both followed a similar trajectory....life as I know it is over - feeling worthless - feeling like I have no power over my life - feeling alone >> very gradually becoming part of the world again without really realizing it, generally through everyday meaningless tasks and things that need doing - thoughts gradually start to concentrate on the present rather than dwelling n the shoulda/coulda/woulda - you realize that you've not let it affect you for some time and you're actually enjoying life

Problem is - there's no quick fix

My point is, you'll feel crap for a good while, it may get worse....but just know in the back of your mind that there is light at the end of the tunnel and you will naturally reach it when you're ready

In a lot of ways - what RollingDougnut said

........focus on the tiny things: get up and get dressed – win, have breakfast- win, put one foot in front of the other and get the essentials of the day done.
One day in the not too distant future you’ll experience something like feeling the sun on your face and it’ll be the best you’ve felt all week, and it’ll be enough.

Five years ago I went through a bit of a 'thing'. Solely related to work stress with an unreasonable and borderline sociopathic boss. Got myself in a rut and lost sight of all the things that an objective view of the situation would make obvious. Anyway, enough of that - SSRIs.

I went onto a small dose of Citalopram. I won't lie, even a small dose hit me hard. The doc said this was indicative of how low my 'levels' had got (to be so affected by a low dose). The acclimatisation period was probably about six weeks, so not quick. During that time there were a few issues. Nothing unexpected (the doc had gone through them all), but expectation only forewarned me so much (more of that in a minute). Also, fairly severe insomnia. The doc prescribed zopiclone for that, very effective, but also ludicrously addictive. I never took it more than two nights running.

The bit about 'expectation'. Being forewarned was vital, but remember that the SSRIs are altering your brain chemistry. So even 'knowing' that the 'down' was due to acclimatising only did so much good, because the altered perception was real. It was like the paranoia that accompanies a really bad hangover where you might have done or said something stupid the night before, but without the knowledge that you will be fine the next day.

So, that is the acclimatisation. Being with your parents will help if you get them onboard. I found exercise was excellent. Stay off the booze whilst you acclimatise. The actual period of taking them (18 months in my case) was much less odd. SSRIs fill the troughs in the lows, but they also trim the peaks off of any highs. They are like a mental anaesthetic when you are up to a level. Not 'happy pills'.

What this evening up of moods allowed me to do was calm down, assess my options and get a new job. I don't think I would have managed it without them, so I view them very much as a tool that I used and then put away. I think it was always going to be that way for me. I think we must face the fact that there is still very little evidence for what any long term side effects might be in later life.

After getting my work life sorted I was on holiday when I decided to come off of them. I did half dose for a week or so, then quarter dose for another week and then nothing. Because the source of the problems was mostly gone, I found it pretty easy to come off of them.

I only ever told a handful of people that I was on them and I doubt that most of my friends and family who don't directly know would have been able to guess, but that's mental illness for you....

Happy to talk if you want.

When I had a crap period I found somthing I could do that made me feel good and either took my mind off the crap, or meant I felt worthwhile and added value to someone or a cause.

Eventualy timed dulled the crap feelings and other opportunities arose.

Have you some skills that can be volunteerd to a worthy cause of your choice ?

Set yourself some goals that you can work towards, anything thats different and removes you from the current situation.

R. E. The medication - you would take paracetamol or similar if you had a pain somewhere, you shouldn't regard anti depressants as any different, just because the disease is seen as being a mental one it doesn't make it not real.
Mental issues are every bit as real as something like a cold or physical injury and should be seen as such. The medication helps

Some more great advice thanks again for everyone taking time to read and post.
Got slightly more sleep last night but still woke up feeling crushed by everything.

Its going to be a long road out and you are all right its the small steps I need to focus on. I think I'm very much still mourning the relationship and security I had at home. Its like complete withdrawal syndrome. Every part of me wants to just go back be normal and be with my daughter and now ex even though I know its all changed. Knowing shes met someone is just the final nail, horrible feelings of worthlessness and jealousy that Im struggling to fight off.

Things weren't perfect but for it all to be taken away in a short time Im deep in the shoulda/coulda/woulda as yoshimi said above.

@mehr very sorry to hear about your Dad. Your routine and approach to each day makes a lot of sense.

I found that my mind kept churning through different thoughts but never actually finishing a chain of thought so that I could make a decision. As soon as I started to think what I could do about Issue A, issues B - Z interrupted me. Also, I couldn't see any difference day to day and so felt nothing was happening, nothing changing and no hope.

I started to keep a notebook by my bed. Not as a diary but just kept a record of what happened during the day, how I felt and anything I thought about. I also wrote down as much about the decisions I was trying to make as I could.

Reading these back on the following days helped me see things were moving forward. Also I could pick up the chain of thought about Issue A from where it left off rather than constantly starting again.

Not sure if this will help you but it helped me. Stay strong and look for positives wherever you can

Although I have never done it myself a work colleague swears by keeping a notepad by the bed at times of high stress. So if he can't sleep or wakes up thinking about something he can write it down to think about in the morning. Sometimes it is the fear of forgetting about something that keeps you awake mulling things over.

I'm aware this is a work thing in this instance but it could help....

Notebook could be a good call. Even getting things down in writing has been useful on here.
Most of my thoughts now aren't so much decisions to make but issues that for now have no real resolution. That clarity could come in time, the limbo of lockdown is just preventing any practical moves.

Got a telephone appointment booked with a councillor next week. Another first for me - hoping professional perspective will be helpful.

Perhaps keep the notebook for the week leading up to the counselling. Write down the issues that are concerning you, why they are concerning you, which are most concern, what you can do about any of them etc.

If nothing else, it will give you a starting point for the conversation which can be awkward if you have never been through it before as you (well me) say things that aren't important or miss those that are important. Obviously the good counsellors know this and will coax it out but nothing to lose.

Good luck and stay strong

Because there is some great advice above, I won't try to add to it except to say that I genuinely hope you feel better soon. Things will get better.

Not in any way to diminish your feelings, in the meantime, I will share with you the Canadian antidote to all ills. Apparently this song quite literally saved the life of a Massachusetts fisherman. Listen to the words. You'll see why. 🙂

What a great song thanks Saxonrider. Love folk/roots music - been known to occasionally strum a guitar or even banjo for my sins!

Second (or third) the notebook/diary. I keep a word doc at work and just write down my thoughts at the moment and how I'm feeling, and I do find writing things down really does help to clarify in my mind whats happening, how I am feeling etc, but I also try to end it with a positive note "...and try to make sure I see daughter every day" or some such line.
A word on counselling, went through some stress related issues 7-8 years ago, work sent me for counselling, first one was weird, 2nd one just tried to me one of da boyz and constantly swore, nearly gave up but the third one I saw was excellent, we really got on and I learned a lot...so if you find its not for you it might be worth trying a different counsellor

Another thing Nj, I joined the Gingerbread (site for single parents) forum, not as busy as here but a few guys in similar positions to ourselves, and I think, or certainly for me, hearing other people's stories helps...

From my own experience I always say the same thing. It will get better, you know it will get better but you won't feel that it will get better. And you'll never wake up and think it's all ok but you'll wake up and not think about how bad it is.

There is nothing wrong in feeling that nothing will ever be any good ever again. But ask yourself would you ever think that that was the case for anyone else who came to you and said it. Of course you wouldn't, acknowledge what you feel but have faith in what you know.

Will be writing things down for sure ready for the counselling. @iancity1 good point too, if its not working with the first counsellor I'll be prepared to try someone else.

You are right avdave2 I've seen friends and family come through rough situations and that is what I would always tell them. Just much harder to see while caught in the middle looking outwards.

 Just much harder to see while caught in the middle looking outwards.

More than hard, impossible. And there is nothing wrong with it being that way, you're human and it's just the way it is. Be as understanding of yourself as you've been of your friends, know that they feel for you in the way you felt for them and remember a bunch of random people on the internet you've never met are all thinking of you too.

Honestly im blown away and moved by the support. When everyone is dealing with stress and uncertainty in their own lives too.
Impossible for now true. I think when the relationship first ended I was almost in denial, its only the last few weeks that size and implications everything have hit me.
Everything that was constant or a source of stability has gone, or at least changed.

So yesterday afternoon I found out its going to be a couple of weeks max left, so me and my sister are going to see him today for probably the last time as he mentally checked out a long time ago

I've been up since 3am going through old photos to take as he'll probably be lucid so will give us something to talk about and hopefuly bring better memories

Very sorry to hear this. I can only hope you are able to connect and share some good memories today.
As others have said to me do keep talking, the forum has exceeded my expectations there are some good folks on here.

Just to say I hope all who are struggling got through today ok.

I have a friend living and locked down with me who's struggling right now so I see it everyday. It happened to him before and I tried to do what I could, then it was my turn and he did what he could and now he's been lucky enough to go through it all again so it's my turn to do what I can.

To all who are going through it there are people who will and want to stand by you and to everyone who's well look out for those you can help, you may well need them one day.

Nice words avdave2. If theres one thing I'll take from this time its to never forget the people who are helping my through then make sure I repay them in anyway possible when the time comes.

Mixed few days for me. Yesterday maybe the worst of all - had no sleep at all and completely broke down with the pain of missing my family, home, everything. Very dark day.
Felt a bit stronger today, spoke to my daughter on the phone and started to plan to see her in the week. Still incredibly hard but its something to work towards. Longer bike ride helped too, mind racing but a few moments of remembering I can enjoy turning pedals and tyres on tarmac.

A daft little mantra I've been repeating... You are still in there. Under all the pain, stress and doubt. Still there.

Thinking of you NJ, good to hear you spoke with your daughter, however painful it may be that you are not seeing her, as the old saying goes, its good to talk.

Hang in there...

Hi, just a little update and maybe some advise.
Still feeling all over the place as to be expected, very low mood at times and all the same thoughts about my family and situation. Had one councilling appointment over the phone, not sure what to think yet - so far maybe felt a bit generic? conversation didn't go beyond what I've discussed with friends/family/here but its early days so I'll give it a few more sessions.
On the other side I've been on a couple of longer bike rides this week that I'm starting to enjoy again. All being well I should also be seeing my daughter for a day later this week. Also on the positive side i'm hopefully going to be starting some part time bike spannering in a workshop. My usual work is still months off but will be good to have a focus.

I've just started on the anti-depressants (sertraline) but I'm unsure whether to continue. The reason I'm questioning it is I've already noticed some side affects - mainly even worse sleep, feeling sick and a bit out of it. Really don't want to mess up the chance of work by feeling too unwell or not being 'with it' enough to concentrate. I'll call the gp tomorrow and see what they say. Those who have taken these kind of meds how did you cope with the first few weeks? did you manage to get on and work as usual?

Hope everyone else whose been up against it is hanging in there, thanks again for the support.

Thanks for keeping us up to date, good to see you have something to keep you occupied for some of the time.
After my wife died people thought I was a bit strange being back at work after 2 weeks, but I found it helped a lot to stop my feelings and thoughts overwhelm me.
On that note I have been called in so its off to work I go.
But its better than sitting at home and drinking.
Keep taking things slowly and try and smile if you can 🙂

Sounds like you are feeling more positive, that's a good thing.
just remember you can always post or vent on here, no one is judging.
keep on riding

On the antidepressants it's worth giving them a bit of time and if what you are takings isn't working then there may be another that does. My friend who's here with me is on his third prescription at the moment and that seems to be starting to work. Getting the right drug or drugs at the right dose can be a long process. The second ones he was on only saw him emerge from his room after midday and it would be 3 in the afternoon before he did anything at all. He's now getting up by 8 and gets out walking every day You're doing stuff and making plans which is really good

Cheers all. Another rough night turning things over in my head and little sleep. Really missing family life (and tbh my now ex).
There are some positives down the line though. Will be great if this
work comes off just being occupied will really help.
Bike business is apparently booming, I used to work in a shop so could be good timing getting back into it.

I'd only taken a couple of tablets so doc says it's OK to leave them for now if I'm insure. In reality it was too soon to experience any side affects so it was either in my head or just being under the weather.
I'm going to get through this week and if the underlying low feeling and anxiety are just the same I'll start again and commit to the full course.
Avdave as you say gp said there are other options for meds but need a good few weeks see how I react.

You are doing all the right things.
Riding the bike, getting out in fresh air and hopefully some countryside, making plans and most of all will be seeing your daughter.
One step at a time.