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Why did the one-armed monkey fall out of the tree?
Because I waved to him.
Me: "I've got a really good 'knock, knock' joke."
Other person: "Really?"
Me: "Yeah, you start..."
Other person: "Knock, knock"
Me: "Who's there?"
Other person: "Errrrrr..."
Gets people every time. 🙂
Wife asked me what I was doing on the computer I told her I was looking for cheap flights. "I love u!" she said,then she got excited, un-zipped my trousers & gave me the most amazing oral sex ever,which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts b4.
And those who understand ternary.
And those that don't. 🙁
'10' is 2 in binary, and 3 in ternary (base 3).
No, it's not very funny. Nor is,
Why do programmers confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.
Where do Martians get Mercury from?
HG Wells.
A bloke I was talking to the other day was bragging that the temperature of his testicles was -273 degrees Celcius.
Absolute bollocks if you ask me.
Wanted:
£20,000 reward.
Schroedinger's Cat.
Dead or Alive.
Drunken peer found unconscious at yacht club -
A Knight out with the buoys..
whats the difference between a golf ball & a womans G-spot?
A man will look 20 mins for a golf ball 🙂
Took the missus to a show where a black fella with big hair spins round & round in cicles.
When he had finished both me & the wife felt really horny.
Apparently it was an Afro dizzy act 😕
What's got three legs and doesn't talk.....Paul McCartney and Heather Mills!
I heard he bought her a plane for their first Christmas together.
She still had to use a razor on the other leg though.
A couple viewing a painting of 3 naked black men sitting on a bench noticed that the one in the middle had a white dick. Confused they confronted the artist about it.
He replies they are not black men but coalminers & the one in the middle had just been home for lunch.
My favorite Easter joke this year.
This week is Good Friday, where all thoughts turn to a long haired man who died on the end of a long cross.
Happy Easter Andy Carroll 😆
The worse job I ever had was crushing lemonade cans ....................... it was soda pressing 😕
Whats the diffrence between a woman and a computer?
A computer has a use for a 3" floppy
Why did the cheesmaker walk with a limp?
He only had one stilt on
What do you call a fairy who does not wash?
Stinker Bell!
Wife : l want 3grand for a boob job
Me: no way, rub toilet paper between them
Wife : how will that make them bigger
ME : Well it worked on your arse
How did the fairy get pregnant?
She sat on a toadstool
Think about it!
there are two sorts of people in the world:
those that think there are two sorts of people, and those that don't...
What does a tractor and a giraffe have in common?
One has hydraulics and the other has high bollocks.
How do you organise a party in space?
Planet.
There are three sorts of people in the world
1) people who think that there are 3 sorts of people in the world
B) People who are inconsistent
7) People who can't count
There are only 10 types of people in the world : those who understand binary, those who don’t, and those who understand gray code.
Bloke sees a man carrying a long pole at the Olympics, so he goes up to him and asks:
Are you a pole vaulter?
The man replies:
Nein, I am a German, but how did you know my name was Walter?
I'll have to put this one on, even though it's a true story rather than a joke.
When Richard Nixon was vice president to Eisenhower, he travelled to West Africa in the wake of the one of the independence celebrations (late 1950's). Always one to be seen to be doing the right things re holding babies etc, Nixon wanders over to the first black man he sees and asks loudly:
"So son, how does it feel to be free?"
The man replied:
"I wouldn't know, sir - I'm from Alabama."
A couple driving home run over a Badger, they get out of the car, find the Badger still just about breathing but it's freezing cold and barely conscious.
Husband: "Quick, put it between your legs to warm it up"
Wife: "But it's all wet and it stinks"
Husband: "Well just hold the Badger's nose then!"
Another you say?
I wasn't sure why the Doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a Dragon and I shat myself!
More?
The Doctor's have diagnosed me as a schizophrenic with alzheimers. I keep hearing this voice in my head saying "why don't you remember me?"
More?
My wife was stood at the front door with her case when I got home from work and said "I'm leaving you because of your strange sexual requests". "OK" I replied, "that's fine, but could you slam the door on my cock as you leave please?"
mboy - I like the last one - I think it's the joke itself, but seeing the word 'cock' written down always gets me.
It's like really posh women swearing...........
Two snowmen in a field.
One turns to the other & asks, "can you smell carrots?"
For DannyH
How many freudians do you need to change a lightbulb?
Two - one to change the bulb and one to hold his [s]cock[/s] err, ladder
There's a sale on at the pi shop.
3.1 for 2.
What's blue and fluffy?
Blue fluff.
How do you organise a party in space?Planet.
I wouldn't bother, there's no atmosphere.
There's a sale on at the pi shop.3.1 for 2.
\o/ That's my new all time favourite joke. Thank you.
what did jesus say to his disciples when he was being nailed to the cross?
none of you lot steal any of my easter eggs, ill be back on monday!
What has two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog.
.
Where can you find a dog with no legs?
Wherever you left it.
.
What's blue and orannge and lies on the bottom of a swimming pool?
A baby with burst armbands.
A man sees a bee in trouble and helps it out. The be says "think you kind man, if there's anything I can ever do to help you just shout "bee, please help!" three times".
The man goes about his business and then a few days later he runs out of petrol in the middle of nowhere. He wonders how he's going to get home and then remembers the bee.
"bee, please help, bee please help, bee please help" he shouts.
Minutes later the bee arrives,
" hi kind man, how can I help?"
"well, I've run out of petrol and I'm wondering if there's anything you can do?"
"sure, open your petrol cap and I'll be back in a few minutes"
The man does as the bee asked and sure enough a few minutes later the be comes back with thousands of other bees. They fly into the petrol tank and then back out again, one by one.
20 minutes later all he bees have been in and out of the mans petrol tank.
"right kind man, start her up" says the bee.
The man doesn't think anything will happen as the motor just turns over but then the cars engine fired into life
"wow thanks bee. What did you put in the tank?
The bee just replied "BP"
Good stuff, people. Kept me going through a night on-call, that. 😆
[i]\o/ That's my new all time favourite joke. Thank you. [/i]
There's some irony in a Pi joke becoming a recurring favourite.
A freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother
I was in the supermarket the other day and saw a loaf of bread that reminded me of you.
Said "thick cut" on the packet.
Mrs Toast - Member
Went to the zoo, it was rubbish. Only had one animal, a dog.It was a shih tzu.
Mrs Toast may be pleased to know this had me and my son crying with laughter last night. We were reading a book about dogs and it fitted nicely. 😀
who is the coolest person in the hospital?
The ultrasound guy......................
when the ultrasound guy is off work ,
who is the coolest person in the hospital?
The Hip replacement guy.
An essex girl is pulled out of the rubble of the world trade center. A paramedic rushes over.
'where are you bleeding from honey?' he asks
'romford'
Went to the zoo the other day, saw a chameleon......
Crap chameleon
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.
What do you call a woman with a chimney on her head?
Ruth.
What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
Doug.
What do you call a man with a ship on his head?
Captain Boat Hat.
What do you call a man with an oil rig on his head?
Derrick
Went to the zoo the other day, saw a chameleon......Crap chameleon
I lol'd. 😀
When Caesar invaded Britain, what did he say to his men before they got off the boat?
'Get off the boat, men.'
What do you call a man with a ship on his head?
Captain Boat Hat.
Howard Keel.
Skeleton walks into a bar and says "give me a pint of lager and a mop please"
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it!
Had to laugh at the Caesar one, V good.
Found an app on my phone that makes my wife look fat.
it's called "Camera"
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None.
The Mrs said, turn the bedside light out and I'll let you stick it up my bum... To be fair I probably should have waited till the bulb had cooled first!
In the gym last night I bspoke to this bird. I said, "Have you tried skipping?" She said, "What, like boxers do with a rope?" I said, "No, meals fatty...
When my girlfriend told me that Davy Jones of the Monkees had died, i thought she was joking,..... And then i saw her face. Now I'm a bereaver!
When I was young,my dad used to sit me in a tyre and roll me downhill,those were Goodyears.
I've just sat there watching Fatima Whitbread, in a skimpy bikini, having a shower under a jungle waterfall & thought to myself, please don't get an erection...
...but she did!!!!!
A catholic Priest was on the tellypraising one of his alter boys for saving his life. The 14yr old apparently found a lump on one of his testicles.
I went for a testicle check up last wk. The little Thai nurse cupped my balls & said, "Don't worry, it's quite normal to get an erection during this procedure"
I said "I haven't got an erection"
She said "No, but I have."
A man walks into a pub
Ouch
It was an iron pub
A local radio station are running a phone competition to win either $200 or tickets to see an Elvis tribute act. I don't know whether to press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.
The wife screamed "I'm sick of you wasting your time on all these inventions! None of them flipping work!"
It was at that point that the "slap-a-mouthy-trollop 3000" sprung into action
And the one and only physics joke:
Beware of quantum ducks
QUARK QUARK!!!
Only two things smell of fish.
what's blue and doesn't fit?
a dead epileptic
Surely not Sparkyspice! -
Why did the chicken cross the moebius strip? .... to get to the same side!
A neutron walks in to a bar "How much for a double 25 year old Bruichladdich"?
Barman - "to you sir, no charge"!
da dum.
With thanks to Dr Sheldon Cooper.
Blonde in car accident and the paramedic gets to her and checks her brething and pulse etc then checks for blurred vision holding two fingers in front of her says "How many fingers have I got up"
The blonde replies "Oh my God I'm paralysed"
I was accused of interfering with a kid in our street, got off with it because there are no cute kids in our street! (This is a joke by the way not a statement!)
Why did the broccolli keep swearing...........he had florets.
Polar bear walks into a bar. Goes up to the barman and says
'I'll have a pint of.....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
lemonade please'
Barman 'No probs, but why the big pause?'
Polar Bear 'Because I'm a bear!'
That's up there with,
Horse goes into a bar.
Barman asks, "so, why the long face?"
After digging to a depth of 1000 metres last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network a thousand years ago.
Not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug 2000 metres and headlines in the U.K. papers read: "English scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that our ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital network a thousand years earlier than the Scots."
One week later, the Irish newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 5000 metres, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, our ancestors were already using wireless technology."
This is a true story:
Man goes and visits remote tribe and asks them how they get news of the outside world. "We use the Bush Radio" was the answer. He assumes this is some version of the Bush Telegraph that he knew about from Tarzan etc. He's slightly surprised later on when someone brings out a transistor radio and tunes it into the World Service.
A really scruffy, tangled piece of string walks into a bar...
The barman points to a sign which reads 'We don't serve pieces of string in here'
The string says 'ah, but that doesn't apply to me'
The barman says 'why, aren't you a piece of string?'
The string says 'No...I'm a frayed knot'
Horse goes into a bar.Barman asks, "so, why the long face?"
The horse says 'Well, if you must know, I've just had some bad news'
A man walks into a sweet shop and says to the girl behind the counter: "I'll have a kitkat chunky".
She gets him a kitkat chunky.
"No I wanted an ordinary kit kat, you fat cow."
Building on andrewh's...
What's got 2 legs, spots and bleeds..?
Half a leapard!
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a pint and a....
.
.
.
.
mop.
Three American hunters come across some tracks...
Biff says 'I reckon they're mountain lion tracks'
Hank says 'Well I reckon they're bear tracks'
But before Chuck could say anything they were all hit by a train.
A little old lady goes to see the doc...
"Doctor, I've got constant TERRIBLE flatulence, but it's silent and it doesn't smell"
"OK" replies the doctor "Take these pills and come back and see me in a week"
A week later she returns
"Doctor, I've still got the terrible flatulance, it's still sielnt, but now it smells AWFUL"
"OK" grimaces the doc "That's sorted your sense of smell, now lets work on your hearing!"
I rear-ended a car this morning …
I tell you, I knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day. The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it! He was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said, "I'm NOT fing happy!"
So I said, "Which fing one ARE you then?"
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
pingu66 - Member
Blonde in car accident and the paramedic gets to her and checks her brething and pulse etc then checks for blurred vision holding two fingers in front of her says "How many fingers have I got up"
The blonde replies "Oh my God I'm paralysed"
😆 😳
found my level
What's red and isn't there.
No tomatoes.
Why are pirates called pirates
They just arrrrrrr!
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in a microwave 'till it's Bill Withers.