[Closed] quick, very short, clean one or two line jokes

I don't really find him that funny but there are a few here: http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/comedianjokes/timvinejokes.html

How do you make a witch itch? Take away the W.

I've been suffering with a recurring horrible dream.

What a nightmare.

I tried Yoga, but found it a bit of a stretch.

(And my favourite, which I'll use at every opportunity)

Why do communists drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

FELLA GOES THE DRS AND SAYS "MY COCK IS SHAPED LIKE A SPACE ROCKET!"
DR: "REALLY, WHAT DOES YOUR WIFE MAKE OF IT?"

"SHE'S OVER THE MOON!!!"

fella walks into a posh bakery. "I'll have one of those gattocks please,"

"It's pronounced gateaux and it's £25," the assistant responds.

"£25 for a cake? Bolleaux to that!"

hmm neither that short nor very clean....

2 penguins in a colony, one turns and say's to the other 'what does your mate harry look like'.

A horse walks into a bar.
Barman: why the long face.

I like this one from the Fringe:

“The universe implodes. No matter.”

Short enough for ya?

2 fish in a tank, one says "how do you drive this thing?"

2 budgies on a perch, one says "can you smell fish?"

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk in to a bar.

Barman says "is this some kind of joke?"

I went to visit the RSPCA's HQ, you can't swing a cat in there!

(shamelessly pinched from another post on here)

I was at the cashpoint the other day and an old lady asked me to check her balance for her.

So I pushed her over.

Russian Dolls, can't stand them, so full of themselves.

Jesus saves but Moses makes an incremental backup

lol

*cough*

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

Did you see they're closing to getting a cure for premature ejaculation?

I heard it's coming soon.

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he's laced these with but i've been tripping all day.

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

Say what you want about deaf people.

I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.

I organised a threesome last night. There were a few no-shows, but I still had fun.

You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.

Love one liners

Venison's dear, isn't it?

If that's too long you can probably cut the last 2 words

Stationary Shop Moves.

(Jimmy Carr i think)

i got a job as a tringle player in a reggae band.

i just stand at the back and ting.

from FB today.

Stewart Francis

I am the youngest of three. Both my parents are older.

I used to be a plastic surgeon, which raised a few eyebrows.

I’d like to dedicate this to my father, who was a roofer. So Dad, if you’re up there...

Is my wife dissatisfied with my body? A tiny part of me says yes

I was standing in the park thinking why does a frisby appear larger the closer it gets, and then it hit me.

He's brilliant, also Milton Jones

How do you turn a duck into a Soul singer?

Stick it in a microwave until it's Bill withers.

Two lions eating a clown.
One turns to the other, says: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Janet Street Porter walks into a bar, asks: "Can I have a large aperatif?"
Barman replies: "I don't think so love."

My daughter's favourite (possibly made up by her, but I'm not 100% convinced)

What type of spider likes music?
A Ta la la la rantula

Technically speaking, it's impossible to lose a homing pigeon. What you've lost, is a pigeon.

One of those insects flew into my house yesterday. It bumbled around for a bit, bouncing off the walls, and then exploded. It was a jihadi long legs.

What do rappers use to clean their toilets?

Bleaaatch!

My girlfriend left me cause I kept touching pasta....

I'm feeling canneloni right now...

Ah thank you and goodnight!!

Lorry has just shed it's load of Alphabetti Spaghetti on the M6...

A police spokesman said it could have spelt disaster.

G

What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror?

Halloumi.

A lorry has shed it's load of blue and red paint on the M4...

Thousands of motorists have been marooned.

G

What cheese do you use to disguise a horse?
Mascarpone

I'll never forgive the Germans for the way they treated my Grandfather during the war. Passed over for promotion, time and time again.

What cheese do you use to encourage a woodland dwelling mammal?

Camembert

Heard about the magic tractor?
It turned into a field.

My wife was gang raped by a troupe of mime artists...

The committed unspeakable acts.

G

Q: What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
A: He wiped his bum.

Did you hear about the chees board that blew away?

They think it was the strong bries...

What cheese should you serve to a Yorkshire hydro-electric power enthusiast?

Edam.

Not clean, but always makes me laugh.

How many Sigmund Freuds does it take to change a lightbulb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
PENIS!

jon1973 - Member

I'll never forgive the Germans for the way they treated my Grandfather during the war. Passed over for promotion, time and time again.

I find that offensive. My grandfather died in the camps.

He fell from a guardtower.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no eye deer

Doctor, you know those pills you gave me to increase my strength?
I can't get the top off.

what do you call a woman juggling bottles of stella whilst playing pool

beertricks potter

Did you hear about the agoraphobic homosexual?
He came out then went back in again.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer

What's the difference between an egg, a woman and a good w***?
You can beat an egg...

Dwarf shortage.

A man walked into a bar........ouch

A Brummie joke

What the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
You can't wash you hands in a buffalo....

Meanwhile, Ravers in Yorkshire have started injecting liquid Ecstasy directly into the fleshier parts of their mouths.

They call it, "E by gum."

Took my mrs up the arse the other day... odd name for a pub, I know.

..she asked me for a double entendre, so I gave her one.

Bear walks into a bar and asks "Can I have a gin and .... tonic please?"

"Sure you can, but why the big pause?"

Emo Philips describing his school teacher "She was by and large."

What did the fish say as it got run over by the bus?

AAArgh! McGills!

still the best joke in the world...
[b]
Two scientists walk into a bar
The first one says “I’ll have some H2O.” The second one says, “I’ll have some H2O too.” Then he dies.[/b]

How did Bob Marley prefer his doughnuts?

Wi Jam In

What do the donkeys on Blackpool beach get for their dinner?

Half an hour

Emo Philips

Thanks for that, greatest comedy legend no-one's ever heard of.

..she asked me for a double entendre, so I gave her one.

Then a roadie* came in, and he gave her one too.

* As in a music roadie, not a road cyclist

Tim Vincent, we thank you.

So I rang up British Telecom and said: 'I want to report a nuisance caller.' He said: 'Not you again.'

Albinos - you can't say fairer than that.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah and I thought: 'He's trying to pull a fast one.'

So I said to this train driver: 'I want to go to Paris.' He said: 'Eurostar?' I said: 'I've been on telly, but I'm no Dean Martin.'

Beware of Alphabet Grenades. If you throw them, it could spell disaster.

I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said: 'Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.' I thought: 'I can't turn that down.'

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
I wanted to be a milkman - but I didn't have the bottle

I wanted to be a milkman - but I didn't have the bottle

I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said: 'It depends where you're calling from.'

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: 'I can't make Tuesdays.'

The advantage of easy origami is twofold...

This bloke says to me: 'Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?' I thought: 'That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness.'

I'm against hunting. In fact, I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

My next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes - he's a catholic converter.

I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags - he's bisatchel.

Tim Vincent - Edinburgh fringe winner

- I am thinking of selling my vacuum. It's just been gathering dust.
- just come back from a holiday of a lifetime, never again.

Steve Marchant
- why can't hedgehogs just share the hedge?

Anon
Wife to husband - would you still love me if we won the lottery?
Husband to wife - yes, but I'd miss you

Two moths on a wall. One moth says to the other moth "I'm off".

Whats brown and sticky?

A shit.

Emo Philips
Thanks for that, greatest comedy legend no-one's ever heard of.

I love to go to the playground and watch all kids running around and shouting and screaming.

They don't know I'm only firing blanks

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no balls?
Still no f*****g idea

What do you call a deer that has no legs, on fire, deaf, in a southern european country, blind in a layby and on fire?
.
Still flaming deaf in Italy no eyed dear, by the way.

Tim Vincent:
[img] [/img]
Tim Vine:
[img] [/img]
RM.

Did you hear about the explosion in the french cheese factory?

All that was left was de brie!

So, suicide bombers, what makes them tick?

How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?

11..... 1 to go and buy a new energy efficient low wattage guardian approved Eco bulb and 10 to write a pamphlet called "coping with darkness"

I'm related to a social worker so please don't hate me.

Why do Swiss cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.

I went to the corner shop.

I bought four corners.

I went to the paper shop.

It had blown away.

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. They're very efficient. But not very funny.

What sort of bees can you get milk from?
Boobees!

When I can't sleep at night I cant stop eating. It's called insomnomnia...

How do Mexicans keep warm?
... They use chicken fajitas!

Why do farts smell?

Do deaf people can enjoy them too!

Two tomatoes crossing the road... One says to the other "ketchup!"

What's the difference between a wet dream and a western dream?
In a western dream, when you wake up you're still shooting!

I was walking through the Olympic Village and saw a man with a long thing over his shoulder....

....I said "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He said .."No I am German ..and how did you know my name was Walter?"