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We have a village "character" who frequents our local micropub. He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but otherwise a nice enough chap in a monosyllabic sort of a way, he likes his ale and generally mixes okay with everyone.
However, he also seems to have problem flatulence - by that I mean the type of fart that empties the entire pub three or four times in one evening. As Jilly Goulden might be moved to say "I'm getting notes of farmyard, volcanic sulphur and necrotic rat". Customers and bar staff have complained about the stench and the landlord has on several occasions taken the chap aside to plead "Steve, for Christ's sake please fart outside". There's a collection of industrial strength air-freshener sprays on the bar, but it's all to no avail, Steve ignores all hints and reasonable requests, he keeps quacking away night after night resulting in an exodus of choking punters.
Some of us worry that Steve has a profound learning difficulty and that he may not be entirely responsible for his actions.
Are we being played?
You are spending too much time in the pub !
Steve for PM. Embrace the diversity of characters in your life.
Are we talking a [url= http://tmoliff.blogspot.com/2012/08/berepper-n.html ]berepper[/url] or silent-but-deadly? If he's audible over the general bar hubbub then you can at least all get to the exits.
Are LEV barstools a thing?
Steve for PM. Embrace the diversity of characters in your life.
Quite the metaphor - Johnson farts in our faces daily and people still vote for him. Steve is better PM material though.
Are we talking a berepper or silent-but-deadly?
Proper SBD, there's no warning of the impending trouser-cough. Steve will even stand there in the epicentre of chuff chaos with a blank expression on his face as we scramble for the door. It's like that scene from The Wrath of Khan when the Enterprise is under attack and everyone is fleeing the toxic gas leakage in engineering.
Thank you Kayak - a pub whip-around will be arranged.
😀
We used to have a customer like that in the pub i worked at while at uni.
Sat at the end of the bar drinking stout and eating bar snacks all night.
Farts smelt much as you describe.
Eventual solution was a one strike and you're out rule.
Which worked well for everyone, he went for a lap of the building every time he had the urge to fart, so we didn't have to breathe noxious fumes, once he was drunk, and forgot about the rule, or just thought he could get away with it, he'd get thrown out and save himself a fortune.
"The one who smelt it, must have dealt it!" 😉
“The one who smelt it, must have dealt it!”
He who made the rhyme, did the crime…
Thank you Kayak – a pub whip-around will be arranged.
Sounds like there's already quite enough 'whipping around' as it were.
He who denied it supplied it.
You are spending too much time in the pub !
is this a thing now? i don’t understand the world anymore.
do they make a version of those pant called coco pops for when you’re in danger of following through?
Active charcoal cushion for Steve. And/or gluten free beer for Steve.
Funnily enough, the mate of mine who alerted me to gluten intolerance and bad beer farts is a Steve. Pretty sure it's a different Steve!
He who denied it supplied it.
He who articulated it, particulated it
local micropub - nice enough chap in a monosyllabic sort of a way - As Jilly Goulden might be moved to say “I’m getting notes of farmyard, volcanic sulphur and necrotic rat”
I think Steve is fed up of posho middle class folk disturbing his quiet pint so he is doing his best to rid the pub of such annoying chaps 😉
Funnily enough, the mate of mine who alerted me to gluten intolerance and bad beer farts is a Steve.
It's not good beer if it doesn't give you strong farts
"Strong" not "Bad", OK! 😀
Depends - I am sure Steve is very proud of his strong and bad farts... who isnt when its your own !
This and suitable siren:
Yes, farts are like kids: your own are great, other peoples' are terrible.
If you want to fight fire with fire then I’m available for hire. My rates are reasonable, accommodation and food required. I’ll bring 4 pints of Enville Ginger, I’ll soon have Steve gasping for fresh air
There’s no excuse.
Does he happen to do it every time there's a queue at the bar? You may well be being played.
Mention it before you stench on it
Bloody amateurs....
...the correct course of action upon committing a particularly foul loon sneeze is to smile at the barmaid and declare loudly 'Say nowt love, they'll all think it's me'.
Steve has paid for his pint and has every right to fart.
What's next, Steve can't sneeze?
We thought we had one in our local but no one would admit to it. Eventually cottoned on that the foul smell was radiating everytime one of the bar staff opened the dishwasher.....
Steve has paid for his pint and has every right to fart.
Noone has the right to fart like that.
What’s next, Steve can’t sneeze?
That depends - will the sneeze cause him to release gargantuan guff gasses?
Steve has paid for his pint and [s]has every right to fart[/s] is expected to be a reasonable citizen of the pub.
Ftfy
I sympathise with Steve. Beer does this to me. Not one or two pints but if I make a night of it and eat crap food. I go away hillwalking a couple of times a year with a group of mates. We usually stay in a bunkhouse near a pub. Full fry ups for breakfast, snacking on pickled onions and pork scratchings all day and pub steak and chips for tea. All washed down with eleventy six pints of Scruttocks Old Dirigible or some such.
The smell in the bunkhouse after a day or two of this is off the scale. It would peel the skin off your face. It's indescribable, truly horrific. To be be fair, it's not just me - we all seem to suffer but I am always aghast at the unholy miasma that emanates from my clackervalve on those trips. It takes me about 3 or 4 days to detox when I get home and Mrs Bloke usually decamps to another room until I am cleansed!
He who articulated it, particulated it
The one who sang the song made the pong.
It turns out that Steve's regular drinking circuit involves a few pints of John Smith's at the Wetherspoon's in the next town. Apparently he's ejected from there once he's stunk the place out so he rocks up to our village and a pint of Gadd's is enough to trip the fart-fuse once again and away he goes.
Honestly, the scenes last Friday were a lot like this:
The one who sang the song made the pong.
Whoever rapped it crapped it.
This game will give you an indication of acceptability in this area:
https://www.addictinggames.com/funny/hide-the-fart
Whoever rapped it crapped it.
Whomever sensed it, dispensed it.
Just please don't stop with the couplets. Genuine guffaws here!
Steve has paid for his pint and has every right to fart.
What’s next, Steve can’t sneeze?
Think we've found Steve's forum login
What’s next, Steve can’t sneeze?
I rather suspect this would carry a greater risk.
Steve has paid for his pint and has every right to fart.
Well I never knew that.
How much farting does buying one pint allow the purchaser...... unlimited farting for the rest of the evening?
A bit like Weatherspoons 'have as many coffee refills as you like' deal?
From a human rights perspective, the right to fart, whilst potentially unlimited, would need to be balanced against other drinkers' olfactory rights according to the principle of proportionality.
Is that ^^ link really relevant to the situation in the OP's local pub? Quote :
"Under international humanitarian law governing the legal use of force in an armed conflict, proportionality and distinction are important factors in assessing military necessity."
If so it represents a serious escalation from what appeared to be the original issue.
Oh no have we been conned again? Is this a variation on the allotment thread
would need to be balanced against other drinkers’ olfactory rights according to the principle of proportionality.
There's nothing proportionate about Steve's farts. I'm a stepfather to twin boys, I've known terrible stenches, but this guy is a wrong 'un.
Oh no have we been conned again? Is this a variation on the allotment thread
Genuinely not, it's actually a thing at my local.
There’s nothing proportionate about Steve’s farts. I’m a stepfather to twin boys, I’ve known terrible stenches, but this guy is a wrong ‘un.
See if the local vet has a solution?
I've just been to the Tappit for the first time in 2.5 years.
One room.
I genuinely looked around and wondered if 'Steve' could be one of the regulars.
In a similar fashion to blokeuptheroad I went diving in Scapa Flow, sharing the boat with 10 other hairy-arsed divers. You know what a thermocline is? Well, by day two as you went down the ladder to the sleeping quarters was a definite parpocline that brought to tears to your eyes...
Full fry ups for breakfast, snacking on pickled onions and pork scratchings all day and pub steak and chips for tea. All washed down with eleventy six pints of Scruttocks Old Dirigible or some such.
Have you been taking notes from Johnny Fartpants? 😉
From the reviews:
'Always pop in here when we stay at the old churches hotel great wee pub'
blimey, that too
Are pints in micropubs smaller than normal pints?
No, just further away.
If so it represents a serious escalation from what appeared to be the original issue.
When the weapon (in this case the trouser cough) appears to rival mustard gas it’s probably more of a Geneva Convention/war crime sort of situation.
My local's a micropub rather than a wee pub (apart from some Fridays) but fortunately no-one pops down there.
Bring back smoking in pubs! A great mask for bad farts, mildewed curtains and rancid seats.
A great mask for bad farts, mildewed curtains and rancid seats
You need to find a new local 😃
So....
It's been a while. Steve still continues to shuffle into the pub after a Wetherspoon's Safari and will hold court at the bar.
Bless him, he's a little wee guy of indeterminate late-ish middle age who has apparently been to a lot of gigs. He's told me about having seen Joy Division, John Cooper Clarke (he's an encyclopaedia of knowledge of Factory Records gigs) and of his er, appreciation for Tin Machine.
He also seems to have given up farting in the pub. The last year or so has been largely free of sulphurous stenches, despite him announcing earlier this evening "Wh-wh-hat? You don't like oyster stout? I've had five th-th-this evening".
Here's to Farty Steve. Legend.
Tin Machine? He’s playing you, 100%
Totally. But he's not guffing the sort of stenches that belong in the boiling sulphur-pits of the seventh circle of hell in the pub anymore. He goes outside to do it.
How do you know who did it? If he's not smart enough to let it leak out slowly while he shuffles around the room on a cropdusting mission, he deserves to be thrown out for incompetence.
If he’s not smart enough to let it leak out slowly while he shuffles around the room on a cropdusting mission, he deserves to be thrown out for incompetence.
So he's not a smart fella, instead he's a fart smeller?
If so it represents a serious escalation from what appeared to be the original issue.
Chemical weapons are banned under NATO (Not Announced Trouser Operation) terms, so the rest of the pub is well within rights to enact Farticle 5 and retaliate reflatulate
Get one of these for his seat - https://www.amazon.com/SMELLRID-Activated-Carbon-Flatulence-Control/dp/B07228XT6R
Fart-absorbing pad.
😂Long live fart fella😂
Ladies downt pub must love him or is it a country pub where it attracts loads of crazy horsey male looking birds
Whoever stropped it, dropped ot
The one who sniffed it, gifted it.
Whoever policed it released it.
Whomsoever grunted ought to be shunted.
But yeah, gas masks + straws all round. Except Steve, who should be made to think about what he just done did.
Have a whip round, buy him one of those long fire lighter'wands' and create a flare off bit like an oil refinery. only really amusing to teenagers and drunks but should clear the air.